Serious issues with my boyfriend in the bedroom

LegacyUser

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone can offer any words of wisdom on this as it it really getting me down.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and everything is wonderful apart from the sex. We live together and have sex max twice a week.
It has been like this since day 1. It is always me who initiates it. When he does agree he literally just gets on top of me and its over in a couple of minutes. There is no foreplay and what gets me down the most is that he doesn’t touch me at all during it. He has never undressed me. It’s gotten to the stage where I feel so self conscious about myself – thinking I’m repulsing him in some way or I just don’t turn him on. I would have previously been very adventurous in bed. I’ve tried everything (and I mean everything) to entice him,suggesting different positions, dressing up for him. But he just isn’t interested. I’ve also tried talking to him about it outside the bedroom. I’ve been very sure not to be accuasatory with him and have just said things like “I’d love it if you did this more...or I’d love it if we could maybe do this” or “is there anything more I can do for you”. He just gets uncomfortable and changes the subject. He won’t go down on me, even when I ask and the one and only time he let me give him a BJ, it went soft. I was mortified!!! He gave the reason “don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s me”.

I’m at my wits end about this and just don’t know what to do. He’s said he just ins’t as sexual a person as me and gives out to me for constantly thinking about sex. That would be fine except I was mates with him for ages before we became a couple and when we would be with the other lads he’d go on about girls he fancied and what he’d do to them. Generally, he came across as a complete “horndog”! He watches porn online (a good bit) and I'm fine with that. I've even suggested we watch it together but that idea disgusts him too. Another thing I knew about him before was that he loves big boobs. A fact he went on and on about previously aswell. I have very small boobs, something which I am self conscious about anyway. Now I think this is the reason I don’t do it for him. He never touches them and the last time I tried to place his hands on them during sex he snapped at me saying that was a slutty thing to do.

I feel bad for posting such detail on a forum and I know he would be so hurt if he knew I was doing this.But I really am at my wits end here. I’m a good enough looking girl with what I thought was an okish body but what girl in my position wouldn’t have doubts? Everything else in our lives is fine. He’s not stressed, i’m sure he isn’t having an affair and we generally don’t argue. It’s gotten to the stage where I think that he just sees me as a friend he lives with and sometimes kisses!

St James

To be honest, this can't go on.

he seems to have a problem, either physical or emotional. He either has a low or non existent sex drive, or he is simply not the one for you. You cannot really let this situation continue. Sex is natural and is a need in any relationship.

You seem to have tried your best and your best is not working.

I would not think for one moment that the problem is with you, it is simply with him.

He is into porn, but not reality. He will not watch porn with you either. has he some bad memory of sex in the past? Was he assaulted? Did he assault and is a guilt thing?

If he does not see the problem and it is quite plain to see, then you will have to make that hard decision - do I stay or do I go.

My thoughts and sympathies are with you.

magneticimpulse

He seems to have a very Catholic Boys view on sex. Did he go to a single sex school? Something seems to have really turned him against it and into thinking its a bad thing. I can understand he doesnt go down on you, some guys wont do that at all. But on the other hand, normally these same guys like BJ. Its quite unusal for a guy to have low sex drive. Is there a time where you have taken a "break" from sex?? Maybe without it for a while, he will start to initiate things again.

LegacyUser

Could he have homosexual tendancies? I don't know if you have discussed this at all, is the porn he is watching all women?

I am a bloke and I would love my girlfriend to give me blowjobs, which has never happened, ten years together! Do you get on generally apart from outside the bedroom, you say you do, if you raise it as an issue is it a confrontational discussion?

You need to be frank, ask him why he doesnt want to be more involved sexually. Dispite his potential catholic views as someone else said he needs to understand that YOU have needs and wants and he has to meet you half way.

I'm sure you are a beautiful sexual woman and he needs to see you as that as opposed to a best friend who bothers him twice a week for a quicky.

Talk to him and explain your frustrations, I wonder how he would feel if he read your post?

Darthhoob

to me it seems that he has misguided views about sex. he feels it is dirty and although he likes it..doesn't want his girlfriend to be dirty. perhaps he feels that sex like you want is for protestutes and porn stars...not REAL people.

the problem is with him though...not you. so do not go thinking it's because of your boobs or body...it's his distorted views.

if he will not acknowledge that there is a problem, then i think the only thing to do would be to leave him. you cannot keep up with a relationship like this. it's affecting your self esteem and sex IS important! it's not the number 1 thing about a relationship but you're at least meant to enjoy it and not feel crap about it.

who knows...you leaving him could make him man up and realise that HE has a problem.

kenbrady

Darthhoob wrote: »

to me it seems that he has misguided views about sex. he feels it is dirty and although he likes it..doesn't want his girlfriend to be dirty. perhaps he feels that sex like you want is for protestutes and porn stars...not REAL people.

+1

He thinks sex is dirty, he loves you and doesn't want the woman he loves to be dirty. 100% his problem

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again. Thanks for your replys guys.
We get on so well outside the bedroom. That is what confuses me so much! We have very similar interests and tastes and sit up for hours talking (about everything but sex). He is so good to me in every other way; he is always buying me gifts and flowers, is great at cooking and cleaning around the house and taking me out or on trips away. He is affectionate in terms of giving me hugs and kisses. We both have great careers, thankfully don't have mony worries and have a beautiful house. That is why I feel guilty for bringing this up, but I can't go on like this.

The Catholic boy thing - I don't think this is the issue. He is from a rural Irish villiage but his parents are quite liberal. He went to a mixed school. As I mentioned in my OP, he deosn't seem to have a low sex drive as I knew him before we went out and he never came across that way (we met in Uni in the UK). I would see him checking out other girls and scoring other people before w got together. He only looks at female porn as far as I am aware!

Does anyone have any tips on how I should approach this again? I've tried backing off for a while before and seeing if he initiates something but that resulted in 2 weeks without sex! The whole thing just makes me fel so unattractive. We are going away on a sun holiday for Christmas so I think this might be the time to bring it up again. I really don't want to throw this wonderful man away but I really am missing that part of the relationship. Your replies sofar have really brought this home to me further.

ManOfMystery

It sounds to me like the whole Madonna complex issue. At the risk of posting a Wikipaedia link (which I know is not the ultimate authority on these issues), this will give you an overview if you've never heard of it -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna-whore_complex

Would explain why he has no issues talking about sex with mates, looking at porn, etc ............... until he gets into bed with his partner.

On the other hand ......................... he could see you more as a friend and hasn't had the guts to be honest with you about this. I was with an ex who I fell out of love with and during the few months it took me to sort out my feelings and end it with her, I found it hard (no pun intended) to engage in anything physically intimate with her at all. However, that was only over a short period - not 3 years like yourself.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It sounds to me like the whole Madonna complex issue.

Would explain why he has no issues talking about sex with mates, looking at porn, etc ............... until he gets into bed with his partner.

On the other hand ......................... he could see you more as a friend and hasn't had the guts to be honest with you about this. I was with an ex who I fell out of love with and during the few months it took me to sort out my feelings and end it with her, I found it hard (no pun intended) to engage in anything physically intimate with her at all. However, that was only over a short period - not 3 years like yourself.

Thanks ManOfMystery, that link made me laugh and cheered me up a bit if nothing else! Seriously tho, I don't think it's that issue as his mother is a very affectionate and loving and they get on like a house on fire. He had a lovely childhood by all accounts. On your second point, I gauge from everything else outside the bedroom that h is still in love with me. He tells me everday and has brought up marriage a lot over the past few months. I think that is why this issue is freaking me out more than ever now.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I just had to respond to this thread, although I don't know how much I can add or help you.

The same thing happened with me. From very early on in my relationship with my ex...again note it is an ex as a lot of people have also written above...he said to me that he loved me and wanted to marry me and have lots of babies, BUT because of that he didnt want the relationship to be 'all about sex'. Like you we had loads in common, great jobs, loads of money, fantastic house, lots of holidays and weekends away.

Well the relationship was never all anout sex, at the outset we did have a very passionate sexual relationship, but within 2 months sex had basically dwindled. I found the whole thing so fustrating.

But here is the crux of the matter - We didn't sleep together for a few months, I brought it up with him in an non critical way and said that we needed to sort it out as I felt terrible about it. My confidence was shot to nothing, I was trying to loose weight, wear sexy clothes, everything you could think of as I thought it was all to do with me. We were also going on hols and he said he was stressed at work and the matter would resolve itself on the holiday. Well on the holiday I realised that he wasn't sleeping with me as he had slept with someone else and was feeling guilty about it (This is the truth although he still won;t admit to it). Not only that but he was online chatting up hundreds (i estimate 1000) other women. I know he slept with some of them. He doesn't see this a a problem. He didnt say much by way of an explanation, but he did hint that he doesn't like doing 'sexy dirty stuff' with someone he loves and wants to marry as he feels he is harming them and it is not right. By sexy dirty stuff I think he meant just sex as we defineatly didnt do anything out of the ordinary. He also asked me if I thought he could have been abused at an earlier stage? He then told me he didnt find me attractive enough to sleep with - soul destroying.

So - Basically my advice, hard and all as it is is to leave now... run for the hills. This will destroy you in time and will erode your confidence. You deserve to meet someone who will look at you and can't resist you. Imagine being in a sexless marriage. If you want children (I did but I think it is too late for me now as I stayed too long with him) you will be unlikely to have them with him. Also, I found it hard coming out of the relationship to think that someone would find me attractive enough to sleep with. Think of yourself in this, you really do deserve to be with someone that can give you everything. Thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck.

thermo66

Whoa if marriage is on the cards you really need to sort it out. If you can't talk openly about sex, or at least bring up the subject without dreading it how on earth will you manage to talk about the many ups and downs that can occur in a marriage.

IMO he is being very selfish toward you. For you to make the effort of dressing up for him and for him to snub you like that is terrible. People differ in their sex drives, its natural, but there needs to be some compromise on a long term basis. And he certainly shouldn't be making you feel dirty and abnormal for wanting it.

Would you feel comfortable writing all this out in a letter and letting him know that way? My friend used to find it difficult to talk to her partner about various problems they were having as he used to cut it short and she'd never be able to say it the way she wanted due to nerves so she started writing letters to him. May sound ridiculous but it helped her get everything off her chest and let him know how she was feeling without having the pressure to respond on the spot. They worked through it and are married now. Just let him know that you love being with him but this issue is getting you down and effecting your self esteem etc. To be fair you have the patience of a saint to put up with it this long. If he is unwilling to talk through it then you need to decide if you can put your needs and desires aside.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP

thought I might post my point of view, or my experience

last year I met this fantastic girl - we got on like a house on fire - she's pretty and quite striking looking actually, we would go for coffee together at work, then outside work,

I subsequently left that work place and we ended up meeting up a few times and eventually hooked up (as in kissing only) and I stayed over in her bed (but each of us most clothes on) a few times

the problem: I just didn't fancy her physically - I really couldn't bring myself to initiate something like taking her clothes off - even kissing her - we could happily walk for hours - chatting away, holding hands - a good spark was there but when it came to the physical stuff I just couldn't get too interested

I also thought that all along she was a virgin (for religious reasons - and that not a reason for me not phsyically fancying her) but then she told me she wasn't and she wanted us to do it but I said I didn't think it was a good idea at that time and for various reasons (there was also geographical separation) I haven't really seen her since - but we're still in touch (as friends) through text and facebook (infrequently)

this girl is pretty , just not my type physically, she had plenty of suitors in the work place and is "in a relationship" now according to her status

since her, over a year ago, I haven't really met anyone like her that I had the spark with, could chat for ages with etc etc and maybe it would have been easy enough to slip into a nice comfortable reationship with her but having been in a couple of relationships in my past where there was lots of physical chemistry as well as the other side of it I prefer to look for that again

so it's possible your bf just doesn't fancy you..?

has he had many previous relationships and how did they go?

calculator

Hi OP, sounds like a horrible situation and, while compromise is always a factor in relationships, it sounds like you've out up with as much as you can. you should satisfy yourself (!) that you've discussed things as much as you can and if he's not listening, then it's time to leave.
best of luck!

Stella777

not to sound like some sort of armchair Freud, but this totally sounds like a Madonna-Whore complex, as others have said. He can only see women as either pure, mother-like women who he loves, or as dirty "sluts" who are only good for raw physical needs. He loves you and feels that to have sex with you is to somehow defile you. I'm not sure what the solution is TBH, but the porn is probably not helping in his case.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all your replies, especially lucylu who has been in the same situation. justdontfancy, there could be the possibility that he doesn't fancy me but I'd like to think that he wouldn't have stayed with me for 3 years if that was the case. Surely no sane person could do that?It has been like this since the very beginning and hasn't just fizzled out over time. He is away in the UK this weekend, so I will have some time to myself to really think about where this is headed and how I am going to approach discussing this again with him.

writestoomuch

ruby01 wrote: »

There could be the possibility that he doesn't fancy me but I'd like to think that he wouldn't have stayed with me for 3 years if that was the case. Surely no sane person could do that?

My ex did . His problem was that he couldn't admit it to himself (although he figured it out eventually).

Blackpitts

maybe my question might sound stupid but...
how much he is into porn? it's just something he does rarely or is he watching it on a daily basis? it might happen that he is...eeehm...masturbating too much on it and this would explain the lack of interest in havng sex with you. Some people are addicted to it and their relationship can be affected seriously.

LegacyUser

Blackpitts wrote: »

maybe my question might sound stupid but...
how much he is into porn? it's just something he does rarely or is he watching it on a daily basis? it might happen that he is...eeehm...masturbating too much on it and this would explain the lack of interest in havng sex with you. Some people are addicted to it and their relationship can be affected seriously.

I think you might have a point there. I was on our computer one night a good while ago and went through the history (to find a different website I couldn't remember the name of. I would never snoop as I am a believer that if you go looking for trouble, you find it) and it seems he is looking at it every day. That is why when he says he isn't into sex much that I get so upset. He obviously is, but just not with me.

How do I bring this up though without insulting him or him thinking that I am keeping tabs on him (which I amn't). I don't have a problem with porn in general as I said in the OP, every man looks at it, even I do! But I suppose I do have a problem with it if it is one of the reasons behind this problem.

LegacyUser

Hi There Darling

First of all yes someone can go out with you for three years and be like this!Don't try to convince yourself otherwise.I am sorry if i sound harsh but what you need to hear is the truth.The reason i am so sure of this is because i was you !!

I like you tried to think of a million reasons why he wasn't interested in sex with me.I kept thinking it was me and that i was sex crazed freak and that once a week on sat mornings was normal.i also dressed up and did anything sexy i could think of for him with no real result! Also not sure if this is relavant but just to give you full picture on us I was always told i was totally out of his league by friends,but i loved him, for him because he was such a lovely guy.

From what you have said He is keeping the sexual side of himself a secret from you,if he isn't taking about these things with you,who is he taking to them about?he still looks at porn like my ex did but yet makes you feel bad for wanting sex with him while he is pleasuring himself in secret !!

He will continiue to play mind games with you about this and in my case i held on hoping it would/could change as i believed we loved each other we had been living together for over two years aswell.

Ultimitely he dumped me saying we were too different and i was heartbroken.Now looking back i can see this was the best thing for me i now have a new boyfriend who may i say is drop dead gorgeous,my ex could not hold a candle to this man.

Our sex life is amazing and it has shown me what loving someone and expressing this means.He tells me i am beautiful and notices when i get a new outfit really and makes me feel loved.Can i ask if your current BF does that much?

When living with my ex to be honest i felt like a single person because that part of our life was missing,because of this i did end up kissing someone elce because of the lack of sex and i felt awful,eventually no matter how much you love him this could also happen to you!! Do not let this make you a cheater like me,i would leave him now before he will leave you .Its so so hard but you can do it there is someone out there who will adore every inch of you and won't be able to keep their hands off you.

I will be thinking of you and i wish you all the best for the future x

Blackpitts

ruby01 wrote: »

I think you might have a point there. I was on our computer one night a good while ago and went through the history (to find a different website I couldn't remember the name of. I would never snoop as I am a believer that if you go looking for trouble, you find it) and it seems he is looking at it every day. That is why when he says he isn't into sex much that I get so upset. He obviously is, but just not with me.

How do I bring this up though without insulting him or him thinking that I am keeping tabs on him (which I amn't). I don't have a problem with porn in general as I said in the OP, every man looks at it, even I do! But I suppose I do have a problem with it if it is one of the reasons behind this problem.

in this case i think you need to investigate more...I think he is also ashamed of what he is doing, that's why he said that some stuff you did are "slutty", there might be a big conflict in his head.
that's an awkward topic all right, i'm not sure how you can talk to him about it but there were many discussions in this forum on porn addiction in the past so the search button can be your friend here.

LegacyUser

ruby01 wrote: »

I think you might have a point there. I was on our computer one night a good while ago and went through the history (to find a different website I couldn't remember the name of. I would never snoop as I am a believer that if you go looking for trouble, you find it) and it seems he is looking at it every day. That is why when he says he isn't into sex much that I get so upset. He obviously is, but just not with me.

How do I bring this up though without insulting him or him thinking that I am keeping tabs on him (which I amn't). I don't have a problem with porn in general as I said in the OP, every man looks at it, even I do! But I suppose I do have a problem with it if it is one of the reasons behind this problem.

Hi OP,

I used to watch porn, I'll be honest it did have an impact on my sexual relationship with my girlfriend. If I had watched porn and did the business, the day after I just wasn't into my girlfriend that much, she could be dressed up and although I would think she looked really good, I just wouldn’t be... how to say... horny enough to try it on! After a few days of non action (as in self pleasure) I'd be all over my girlfriend... Something to think about if he is at the pc every day

RossFixxxed

Some really good points from the posts. I'd summarise/ask it with:

1) He's 'enjoying' porn everyday. That could explain his lack of appetite. It's also the easier/lazier optiong. It's like eating take away every day. It IS food but it's not very fulfilling

2) Is he into pot/drugs?

3) What sort of porn is he into? Is it fairly standard or is it all around something/someone particular?

4) Any health issues, physical or mental? Is he on medication? Is he a heavy drinker?

5) How is the relationship otherwise? Are there cracks and strains that you guys are ignoring/painting over?

Even with the most waning libido I would have thought a girl offering to try 'everything' in your word, and dressing up etc etc would be a definite yes from a partner!

LegacyUser

PornProblem wrote: »

I used to watch porn, I'll be honest it did have an impact on my sexual relationship with my girlfriend. If I had watched porn and did the business, the day after I just wasn't into my girlfriend that much, she could be dressed up and although I would think she looked really good, I just wouldn’t be... how to say... horny enough to try it on! After a few days of non action (as in self pleasure) I'd be all over my girlfriend... Something to think about if he is at the pc every day

Thanks you are very honest and I appreciate your post. Can I ask if you are still with that girlfriend? If she had confronted you about it and been concerned,would you have been insulted?

RossFixxxed,to answer to your questions:

Is he into pot/drugs? No, not at all. Used to do a bit during Uni but none now.

What sort of porn is he into? I'm not too sure but from what I saw the time I went into the history it seems to be the usual stuff - girl on girl etc. The one thing that bothered me when I saw the web history was that he had been on one of the sites that day. That morning in bed I had been in the mood before work and he didn't want to because he was tired. He was working from home that day so obviously had gone in to the sites when I had gone to work. That really made me feel awful. He wasn't up for it with me that morning but yet had the urge to do it when I was gone.

Any health issues, physical or mental? Is he on medication? Is he a heavy drinker? No to all of these. He plays a lot of sports (rugby and tennis mainly) and because of this doesn't drink a lot.

How is the relationship otherwise? Are there cracks and strains that you guys are ignoring/painting over? I really can't think of anything at all and I'm being totally honest. Like any couple we've had minor ups and downs over the years but on the whole it has been fine. No infedelity that I know. I've had no reason not to trust him up until now. From reading all the posts, I really am getting warning bells. From posters who have been in this situation before, it really seems like I should leave him. The problem is that I still fancy him like you wouldn't believe and am madly in love. The thoughts of not being with him and him being with someone else makes me feel physically sick.

LegacyUser

OP I was in your shoes once too. The lad I was with mustn'y have fancied me at all but concealed this to keep me. I couldn't get my head around that but thing was he saw me as his 'best friend' and safety net and was just plain too chicken to admit it and let me go.

I wasted a lot of time trying to figure it out. Every time I would be going he would talk me into staying insisting he loved me (i didn't need love I needed to feel desired) and fancied me.

Anyway, I stopped trying to figure out why he would say one thing and mean another and got out.

Its hard to say this but I dont think he fancies you. His actions show that he doesn't.

Like the girl above I am now in a really happy relationship with a gorgeous man and so happy.

Just because he doesn't fancy you doesn't mean no-one else will btw

Staying with someone who is decieving you for your his own gain is wrong. You need to step out of this relationship. He may never admit to you the truth, he may be confused himself. Don't listen so much to what he says, his true feelings are apparent in his actions, or lack of actions.

Anyway best of luck and take care!

LegacyUser

He could have been sexually abused, making sex and intimacy very complex and stressful for him. The emotional scars left by abuse can cause this behavior and can cause erectile dysfunction.

LegacyUser

Hi Again Ruby01

~~~~~~
writestoomuch Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby01
There could be the possibility that he doesn't fancy me but I'd like to think that he wouldn't have stayed with me for 3 years if that was the case. Surely no sane person could do that?

My ex did . His problem was that he couldn't admit it to himself (although he figured it out eventually).
~~~~~~~~

Surely no sane person could stay with you 3 years if he didnt fancy you? Mine did, we were together 2 years, and would still be together if I hadn't found out about his trangressions and finally admitted to myself that I couldnt stay in a sexless marriage. And anyman that need porn instead of the girl he is with (considering you have no other issues with each other) seems to have lost his way a little in regard to intimacy within a relationship.

Have you asked him if he would try councelling? In my case he wouldn't. Working from home is the worst thing he could be doing. All day to be on the internet uninturrupted with no one knowing what he is up to? Have you checked his emails accounts - sneaky I know but i did tell him i was doing it -but I actually had to as a fact finding mission to put my mind at rest and for me I found he was signed up to numerous dating sites. Lots of people on these are looking for intimate encounters via email and webcam.

I really do feel for you. Having been there and only now coming out the other end I realise how hard it is and my thoughts are with you.

I might just add that my ex met someone just as our relationship ended. I am 100% the same issues apply in this new relationship. And he had told me the same happened in the past with another stunning loking girl. Hard to change the habits of a lifetime i guess.

Best of luck whatever the outcome.

Sleepy

OP, ever tried a straight up, old fashioned, telling him exactly what you want?

Use the basest, crudest language you can and either text it, email it or leave it as a hand-written note on his pillow (with props if that's part of what you want). Don't try and move slowly - if you want him to fvck you like a porn starlet on one of his websites, tell him that this is what you want rather than couching it in 'I'd like us to me more adventurous' language. The message will get through better this way.

If that seems too scary, or if you want to at least give him a heads up of what's coming, (and I can't believe I'm suggesting this) get him to watch the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte tells her husband that she's a sexual being and wants him to just **** her. Or maybe get a friend to get you the box set for Christmas and work through the lot of it with him - I think the madonna whore thing comes up in that series a hell of a lot (at least in what I've seen of it with my girlfriend).

LegacyUser

Hi OP. After reading your post I felt compelled to reply. I am in total agreement posters suggesting the porn addiction. I know because I was an addict. I am a guy and I have a wonderful girlfriend. She is beautiful, sexy, great personality, etc. However, there was a period in our relationship (about 2 years ago) when I became addicted to porn. The problem isn't so much watching it, but blowing your load while watching it. Anyway, it got so bad that I was **** off about 3 times per day while she was at work. And then when she would come home and try to get intimate I would have absolutely no interest.

This went on for a few months until she brought it up in conversation. She was concerned about my lack of interest and was becoming really conscious about herself and began to lack confidence. It was then that I realised I had a serious problem. I needed to stop and I did. I cut down bit by bit and eventually stopped completely. It was very difficult and took a lot of will power but I knew I had to stop or risk losing her. Stopping has made such a difference to our sex lives. From the sounds of it I would definitely your boyfriend has the same problem. You need to confront him about it. If he doesn't stop you need to leave. I wouldn't have expected my girlfriend to stay if I didn't stop because I knew how much it was affecting her confidence. I hope this helps

T "real deal" J

Oh God...i can't believe what i'm reading.

Ok it would be easy for me to tell you to give him the flick but you say all other aspects of your relationship is great...this is a good start...

But i'm sorry i'm getting the impression that this may not be the case :

You seem like a nice accomodating girlfriend and you're not pressurising him too much. The problem i see here is not that he's defunct in bed...but

He's not trying to work with you to make this better. you guys should be working as a team. This is a reasonable thing for you to ask. If it's upsetting you it shouldn't be ignored with "all you talk about is sex"

I can't see why he won't go down on you, if he makes you cum then it will take the pressure off the sex bit. This seems a little selfish.

ie. You need to confront him on his attitude moreso than his dysfunction.
Best of luck