Boyfriend really demanding and pissing me off

ches1983

I've been with my partner about 4 years.
I love him to bits.
But he is soo demanding.
He needs to know everything i've spoken about anyone to, and i need to defend my right to speak to another man, or to stay overnight with girlfriends. He reckons its unreasonable of me to not spend 1-2 hours on a nitelink bus after a nite out in dublin with the girls and come home to him instead of staying with a mate which is traiterous.
He was thick at me yesterday as i had an appointment, and asked him to turn the cooker on as i would be late but all the dinner was set up to go.
He dislikes anything i do for my dad, saying i never treat him like this.
He has also said at times that i am a control freak, i treat him terribly, and my anger is the problem.
He wakes me up drunk at night by coming to bed saying loudly 'are you awake' until i am awake.
He drinks every penny he gets (i know you'll say stupid girl, but he did that long before i came along)
He needs to be asked a million times to do the most basic of stuff, like wash a dish,or do his laundry,(i used to do these) and then calls me a nag.

He will not do anything else with me but go to the pub.
He reckons i hoard money away as i don't drink as much as him, and frankly i would drink more but we argue with drink.
I've sepnt about a 1000 quid on him for christmas by saving and working at it and he has done nothing as he says i'm too hard to buy for and he has no money( i'm not, i told him exactly what i wanted ages ago when he asked, which he didn't do me the favor of, same as last year)
He hasn't anything for his family, and is cutting some of them out of christmas this year!
Worst thing is this guy is on a 3 day week, still makes more money than me, we have a mortgage, pets, and he says that he can't afford this christams this year, while i got all my 5 nieces and nephews expensive pressies, and my sisters and mother and father and him.

I am full of resent, and there is no point talking to him any more, as it never has any result. He'll admit that he needs to do more etc, and then nothing!!
I feel this guy has now drained me of all happiness and i'm a bitter angry girl who is worried about life going down the pan, to a fella whose whole life is about drinking, and eating takeaways, and smoking, and giving out to me that i'm never up front enough with him (he wants to know everything i do and everyone i talk to every day,and what about and i can't do anything like meet a friend in town (i have none left now really anyway!!)And if i do meet a friend he wants to know if i was talking about him, and he'll start saying i thought you were meeting a guy? didn't you say smetjing about that? why are you lying?

And then he says you can do what you want, and he has a big thick head on him and bulls around the place.

So basically we argue constantly, and we are both angry. I'm angry cos i think he's lazy and arrogant and he is suffocating me and being controlling it feels like.
He's angry as i don't go drinking with him enough, and i correct him when he is blatantly lying/wrong, and he says he wants us to be closer!.

He won't go to relationship counselling.

Does anyone have any experience of a situation like this? (2 bull thick people!) and do they know how to get out of it with a mortgae involved? can you just walk away? as in know there will be consequences, like never getting a mortage again, but not being jailed...

any advice welcome pls.

LegacyUser

I think the two of you need to call it a day. You definitely arent right for each other and if you continue to stay with him I think you will end up resenting and hating him and just when you realise you have finally had enough, you will have wasted half your life (and your money!) on this guy!! You're not doing him any favours by staying, he needs to grow up!!! FAST!!! Get shot of him!

Floppybits

Hey there,

I read through your post and I feel for you. The only advice I can give you is to walk away, I know that may be hard to do especially after 4 years, but if he hasnt changed in that time then I am sorry to say he will never ever change and may only get worse.

For your own sake and sanity walk away. As for the mortgage that depends on whether you bought signed the mortage or if one of you got the mortgage. I know friends of mine who have been through this where they sold the house or one partner bought out the other partner.

Either way you look at this situation it is going to be messy but as I said before in long term you will be better off out of this relationship. I think this relationship may even border being abusive or is abusive.

ManOfMystery

Why are you with this guy?

It sounds like he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

He's extremely possessive. He's tight with money. He drinks too much. He's argumentative. He won't take responsibility. He obviously has very little respect or care for you. He won't pull his weight. By his actions, I would also say he's trying to alienate you from friends/family so you're wholly dependent on him. And by refusing to go to relationship counselling, he has no interest in saving your relationship.

If it was one of your friends in your shoes, and you read the post above - what advice would you give her?

My advice to you : cut your losses, move on. There are many men out there who will treat you as an equal and with the respect you deserve ............... unfortunately your current partner is not one of them. Staying with a man like this will wear you down until you DO become dependent on him, and you don't want that.

If this is how he behaves after 4yrs of merely going out, imagine how it would be if you had marriage, kids (and all the work that goes with them) and settled into a routine.

Barracudaincork

OP i dont know if i can help or not, but i have read your post 3 times and there is not one thing in there that i can think of that would be a reason for me to stay with someone like that.

Is this the kind of life you want?

If you can give me a good reason i.e. the opposite to what is written in your post as to why you guys should be together, please tell me and i can see if i can offer advice or not. For the record, saying you love each other isnt reason enough, he doesnt appear to even like you, not to talk of love you, so i want a better reason than that!

LegacyUser

i didn tread through your post i read the first couple of lines, you know they way he is treating you is not right, your pissed off with it, its been going on for a long time and he has no intention of changing he is jealous of your family and your friends time you just walked away nothing positive to been in this relationship dont go wasting another year of your life. make the break

SheRa

Ok, my boyf and i are really really stubborn and we both can be quite bull headed but your problem is nothing to do with being stubborn. Your boyf sounds incredibly controlling. Its not often that im speechless but the way he treats you is shocking. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you or even particularly likes you. I really feel for you when you mention that you have hardly any friends. You can't keep living your life like this. Was he always like this? Re the mortgage, no you can't just leave it unfortunately. If your name is on it you are as legally liable as him. That means that not paying this mortgage would have serious implications on you trying to get a loan or mortgage in the future

petethebrick

Your boyfriend sounds like a prick. Dump him I say.

ches1983

relationship has become abusive i think, and i'm not free from blame either after my actions a few weeks ago. I snapped, and i'm not proud of it.
He has never hit me, he just uses his physical strength to prevent me from walking away from an argument.


When things are good they're great, but something is always niggling.
Like i have to make the sacrifices for things to get to that stage. I have to drink with him. I have to not nag him about drinking cans at home or doing anything in the house. He starts nagging at me for fun then saying he is only messing and getting his own back!

I think you may be right that he just doesn't like me and i'm not sure I like him...
I'm just so anxious and wound up all the time, and I think people know we have problems but its like he has more support, and he is a nice guy and i think everyone presumes me a horrendous bitch. (possibly i am, somethig to consider). This isn't my homeplace and he has been here longer than me.

the mortage is equally in both our names and there can be no buying out for money reasons

I feel resigned and sad and angry in a desparate way.
I need to grow ball and walk away... I won't do anything before christmas. I don't even know how to explain i don't want this any more. I can't write him anything as he says this is childish and won't even try to read it... He is happy for me to try explain and he just puts me down by rubbishing fairly rational arguments. (His aren't rational to me really)

Danniboo

ches1983 wrote: »

He drinks every penny he gets (i know you'll say stupid girl, but he did that long before i came along)
.

That is actually worse if it was a habit he developed 2 years into your relationship I could understand, why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone you know drinks every penny they have let alone enter into such huge commitment like getting a mortgage together. You deserve better than that.

Wagon

Best to walk i reckon. I can't see any nice points in that post about him. I'm sure he does but you didn't mention them which really just means that the good outweighs the bad.

Kiera

I got nothing positive from your post about him. I know you've a mortgage and pets but if i were you i'd leave. You cant stay in such a shítty relationship just because you'll lose some money selling a house. If this continues you'll end up even more mentally drained.

Think of it this way: If you daughter was with someone like him, what would you say to her? Run! He's no good for you.

Best of luck.

Nevyn

Sounds like he is an alcholic who is so unhappy with himself and his lack of self estime and control over his drinking that he is projecting all of that on you.

He can't control himself, so he controls you, he can't picks over your 'faults' and 'failings'
so he never looks at his own, he will make himself feel better about himself by running you down and even if you did everything prefect and exactly how he wants it he would find fault with you some how.

I think you should consider going to al anon, they are support groupd for people who are living with alcholics.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/alanon.htm

You can't change him, he has to want to change, he as to want to stop his negative behaviours and running away from his issues which is what he is doing with his drinking.

You can get help for yourself, get some distance and learn to see what are his issues and not take blame for things which you are not doing wrong.

Click for PDF version

Are You Troubled by Someone's Drinking?
Al-Anon Is for You!

Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:

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Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
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Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
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Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
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Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?
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Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
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Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker?
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Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
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Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
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Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
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Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
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Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
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Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
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Do you search for hidden alcohol?
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Do you ever ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
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Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
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Do you feel like a failure because you can't control the drinking?
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Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
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Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
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Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?
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Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

If you have answered "Yes" to any of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help you.

Hearing what others have been through and how the patterns of abusive, belittling and controlling behaviors are common to most alcoholics and that you are not along and you do not have to put up with it can help you grow balls as you but it and get support form people who have been where you are.

You deserve better, you deserve to be happy in your home you deserve to have a partner who you want to be with and how is supportive of you.

ches1983

well the answer is that the drinking to the thing about the drinking which i should have known about, was something that seemed normal at the time we got together as it was what people did at that stage, but where others sort of moved on and grew out of it, he never did.
He thinks he is completely normal as sometimes he goes 4-5 days without a drink.

I'm well aware that i sound like a whinging little muppet. I just want a different path in life to him possibly,but i have asked him before should we call it a day and he'll say he knows he needs to do more and we need to try aagin as WE have too much to lose...
a boot up the bum might be good for us both .
Its like i want him, but i want/need him to change the way he does some things.

I'll prob wait until after christmas, and see if anything changes, but i'll have to walk probably which is going to be hugely difficult.
I'm dreading being on my own where i don't know anyone now.
I won't leave my job which is same place as where i am living as i enjoy it and i'm needed(they are great people)

In short i guess i'm scared

Danniboo

ches1983 wrote: »

well the answer is that the drinking to the thing about the drinking which i should have known about, was something that seemed normal at the time we got together as it was what people did at that stage, but where others sort of moved on and grew out of it, he never did.
He thinks he is completely normal as sometimes he goes 4-5 days without a drink.
quote]


I don't meant to sound undermining and apologies if it comes accross that way but having a hectic carefree social life is one thing but drinking every penny you have is not something I think is normal at any stage in life. Do you have any past history of alcoholism in your family, don't meant to pry jus curious. I have an alcoholic parent and i've seen patterns where people who can't change a loved one with addiction go on to meet a partner with these problems and think they need them and want to change them and think their drinking is normal. I seriously think you need to get out of this relationship.

LegacyUser

Op,

Don't wait until after christmas. Bite the bullet. You have wasted enough time and money on this guy already. Why would you put up with it any longer? You are enabling him to continue this way of life if you stay with him.

As for the mortgage, you can both leave the house and rent it out until you can sell it. Go and rent a place on your own or stay with family until you can get this sorted.

This man is toxic. You deserve a better life than this. Best of luck.

Barracudaincork

ches1983 wrote: »

I'm well aware that i sound like a whinging little muppet

OP, this is proof that he has made you feel that anything you say is deemed to be just a nagging old battle axe having another go at him! You do not in any shape or form sound like a whinging little muppet!

OP, i get a feeling from your post that you posted in frustration and sadness over your life but you have no intention of changing that life, you have given plenty of excuses as to why you want to stay in this abusive (this is how i see it) relationship, dont you realise you are worth so much more than you think you are worth???

ches1983

I do have a parent who was/is a drinker, but it is unclear whether it was a reaction to a situation they were already in.

You're right that i've just spilled all this out here, but i really do want to do something about it, but i don't feel strong.

I am quite a highly strung person normally, and something is going to have to give. I can't help feeling dread about the future. Its hard to imagine going back to being just me, without obligations and it may sound silly but that is scary.
I feel like i've failed if i walk away and i'll be only more lonely for it.
I'm very confused, but facts do speak.

I feel like a shadow, and he gives out that i have no sense of humour when he teases me, but i just don't find him funny, it is more something to be wary of in my eyes.

ManOfMystery

When it gets to the stage where you're wondering if you even like your partner, you really have to take a step back and ask yourself why you're still in a relationship at all.

The whole point of it is meant to be about feeling happy and being with someone who you love & vice versa. I know there's a mortgage, I know you're scared about being alone again, etc ........... but all of that surely pales in comparison to feeling like this the rest of your days.

By the way, there's nothing wrong or scary about being alone - perhaps you need some time to enjoy being YOU without him breathing down your neck.

Danniboo

I'd break up with him before Christmas take that grand you've saved ( I know this only superficial stuff but it's just a suggestion) for the good for nothing S.O.B arrange to stay with a friend or family member. Go treat yourself to a nice day at a spa buy some new clothes get your hair done. Whatever just something nice for yourself to make you feel nice about yourself then you can start on the inside, don't be so hard on yourself you deserve better than this. How much have you paid off the mortgage can you not sign it over to him if it's not that much or vice versa, perhaps pay the other a few grand. Living in rented accomodation with complete strangers would be more fun that owning a house with him.

ches1983

there are things i like and enjoy about him, but i never feel relaxed with him any more.I have even gone so far as to send him long texts explaining what i feel is going on, and no results. Nothing i've ever said has had any lasting impact.
I have tried writing all my feelings down and then burning the page so he doesn't read it, and he's seen me do this, and told his work colleagues who he says he has spoken to about our issues (i haven't been allowed this luxury), and they have told him that i'm a bit much, and that i'm bullying him. (that bit where i'd told you in the beginning that i had snapped, and that there is some abuse in the relationship)

He feels very sorry for himself about all this, and that is fair enough. but he neglects to admit to the past incidents where i was subjected to worse and when spoken to about it the fllwoing morning he denied it...

My head is absolutely fried.

I know i've been advised to leave now, but i can't do that yet,it would be too mean, i've gone this far, it'll be after christmas.

I don't have any family here, so i'll be on my own, and our friends are more his friends of which are few anyhow. I can try to get back in touch with mine but it'll be hard. I think they would find me a different person too.
I can't even talk to him about renting the house out as he will dig his feet in and say he's not going anywhere. I can't have an adult conversation with him, for difficult to explain reasons. Its like he's already set rules and common sense or compromise doesn't come into it.

Like i said i do love him, but i'm not sure what good that is doing!!I have no joy

As to the mortage, its young and high..
as to his pressies: gotten ages ago, no refund i'd say!!

Its good to talk on here because it helps me sort my head, especially getting feedback.

ches1983

ches1983 wrote: »

there are things i like and enjoy about him, but i never feel relaxed with him any more.I have even gone so far as to send him long texts explaining what i feel is going on, and no results. Nothing i've ever said has had any lasting impact.
I have tried writing all my feelings down and then burning the page so he doesn't read it, and he's seen me do this, and told his work colleagues who he says he has spoken to about our issues (i haven't been allowed this luxury), and they have told him that i'm a bit much, and that i'm bullying him. (that bit where i'd told you in the beginning that i had snapped, and that there is some abuse in the relationship)

OP, been here as well in the past. Insecure, controlling (now ex, thankfully) bf, claims to be a victim all the time with mates, but is actually extremely manipulative. Serious double standards on everything (e.g. making you late for any joint appts, but if you're late for him you get harassed about it every 2 mins). Cuts you off from friends/family or tries to at least. Eventually it gets to the stage where he has worn you down so much you think you're to blame, or a horrible person. And yeah, of course you aren't proud of your actions in this relationship - dealing with him and being affected by him will rub off on you that way.
You need to leave asap and stop making excuses to put it off.

He feels very sorry for himself about all this, and that is fair enough. but he neglects to admit to the past incidents where i was subjected to worse and when spoken to about it the fllwoing morning he denied it...

My head is absolutely fried.

I know i've been advised to leave now, but i can't do that yet,it would be too mean,

He's hardly considered about being mean to you. Why not do this now, so you have your first free christmas to enjoy? Do it with family and friends.

I can't have an adult conversation with him, for difficult to explain reasons. Its like he's already set rules and common sense or compromise doesn't come into it.

Let me guess - anything you say to try and improve things is nagging. Eventually he starts yelling or deliberately making you upset so you cave in and drop the issue, no matter how important it was.

Honestly for your own sake, take off and enjoy a christmas without this crap.

ManOfMystery

He sounds like the kind of guy who will promise you the earth if you do leave, then when you come back he'll be back to his old ways within a month.

There are literally hundreds of threads on here over the last few months from people in similar situations, and rarely does anything change.

As for his friends - just ignore what he claims they say. They're his friends, so of course they're going to take his side in this. In fact, if he's as unapproachable and unreasonable with them as he is with you, they'll probably just tell him anything he wants to hear to save an argument.

Loving someone isn't enough, despite what books and movies will tell you : your partner has to respect you and treat you as an equal, not a dog that they own. Yours isn't doing that, and it doesn't look like he's prepared to change.

Whatever decision you make, stick at it. If you don't, you'll end up a shell of yourself, out of touch with friends and family - don't let him take your life away from you.

ches1983

its all common sense i'm hearing. I won't do it now at christmas as i'd be the worst for it, as i can guarantee you that my name would get blacker.
Plus he genuinely can't comprehend what i'm trying to tell him. He is fried himself i'd say and i have to explain everything he wants to know in tiny detail like he is a child.
It would be nice to buzz off for the christmas but it wouldn't be worth it, i'd worry too much for starters and that would ruin it altogether!.
But like ye say there are loads of posters on here like this, and i don't want to be another cailin letting herself be drained...
i don't want to be another statistic of how people stay in these relationships either..
Small act of rebellion: i'm off now to the pub by myself! i'll have some explaining to do now!

Jessica-Rabbit

the longer you stay with him the more you are losing your self worth. No realtionship should be this hard.. you keep looking for reasons not to leave him but your so unhappy.. its understandable to be scared of taking the plunge and leaving him but the longer you put it off the worst its going to be.. look at it this way.. he hasnt changed HE WONT CHANGE TRUST ME!!!! can you imagine spending the rest of your life with him.. can you imagine having children with him.. if so I can garuntee you will regret it sooner or later.. stop making excuses and just pack your things and go now while you can.. it will hurt thats for sure but soon you will look back and realise what a lucky escape you've had...

ManOfMystery

Thing is - you don't have to explain yourself. Go and enjoy yourself and have a drink in the pub, if he starts bombarding you with questions, don't answer them. If he then huffs, let him huff.

You have to treat him almost like how you treat a child - never let them get their own way.

Emme

ches1983 wrote: »

I'll prob wait until after christmas, and see if anything changes, but i'll have to walk probably which is going to be hugely difficult.

Nothing will change. You'll say to yourself "I'll wait till Valentines and walk then". But you won't. You'll wait till St Patrick's Day, your birthday, his birthday, the cat's birthday, the dog's birthday. In short you'll keep making excuses and stay in this soul-destroying situation. Bite the bullet and walk NOW. Sod Christmas - you probably wouldn't enjoy it with him anyway as he will probably be drinking more than usual.

ches1983 wrote: »

I'm dreading being on my own where i don't know anyone now.

You don't know anyone because that is the nature of your relationship. Your boyfriend doesn't want you to have contact with friends and family and this has isolated you.

ches1983 wrote: »

I won't leave my job which is same place as where i am living as i enjoy it and i'm needed(they are great people).

That's a good thing surely? If you get on with your colleagues that's a plus. Throw yourself into your work to forget him and with your new found freedom you'll be able to socialise with your colleagues more.

ches1983 wrote: »

In short i guess i'm scared

Of course you're scared. But if you leave him I guarantee you won't be because you'll get your self-confidence back.

ches1983

Had my works party on monday... great fun but finished up early..made the mistake of inviting him down after, thought it might be nice, turns out he'd been drinking at home already, anyway he informed me there that aren't going to his parents for christmas like originally planned...we are spending a quiet christmas together...he had informed his sister of this
I was cross, he didn't say anything to me about this at all...
Then his reaction was that i don't want to spend time alone with him, and then that i don't respect him, there is a long list.
He walked out and i stayed in the bar a while before going home. It had been such a great nite. I haven't laughed like that in a long time and i felt all 'lit up' inside.

Anyways he was calling me before i got home i ignored that. He started when i got home. I went to bed and he joined me for a while, trying to start a fight... i, like a child i know, put my hands over my ears, i've heard it all before. Anyway he is giving me the silent treatment now, and i'm relieved to say the least. I'm tired fighting over head melting issues.

I have his mother texting me saying can i please ask him to call her, she wants to meet with us on saturday, and not to give her a pressie..i had to text that msg to him. He didn't reply, and isn;t answering her calls or texts...

the only reason he hasn't had a go properly is because i have a family member in the house for a week or so...he'll be away before next week i'd say... no escape then... bf also says i treat family member better than him, and i talk to him but not bf, which is bull****, just i have to watch what i say to BF....

I feel like screaming and getting taken away... this message i'm sure requires deciphering!!

Taltos

Ok - you said it yourself - after he left you lit up inside and had a ball.

Now - extend that a bit and imagine Christmas with your family...

This has all the hallmarks of a toxic relationship - and I have a rule of thumb for those - get out now - don't delay - just leave.
You seem to have tried everything - and maybe after he sees you are serious about wanting a better life he will do something - but right now the familiar is ruling his head - he has behaved terribly in the past and feels he can continue to do so...

Wagon

It's kind of sad to read your posts. Leave him now. If he leaves you and you get happier, that says it all. What's the point in waiting before christmas?

MizzLolly

Ches, seriously, what are you waiting for? Don't let another Christmas go to waste for this fool. I know you're away from your family but you said you had some money saved. Break it off with him and go stay with your family for Christmas. The guy sounds like an energy vampire and is frighteningly immature.

He's the stereotypical abuser, making you feel like you're always wrong and acting like he's being victimised. My ex did this to me all the time. He'd spend nights away with ex's with his phone off and yet I'd end up apologising for being angry. You know at the time that it's wrong but you become so unsure of yourself that you need them to tell you right from wrong. Get the hell away from that man immediately. He's a lost cause.

You deserve an adult who can see past his own pathetic, lonely ego.

the_syco

Anywhere you can stay? Pack your bags, and leave him. Say it's for "time apart". Heck, just tell him you're sick of his drinking.

PaddyInChelsea

Ches, I only read your post for the first time, tonight, when it was freshened up.

I have an issue going on in my life at the moment; a tiny issue compared to the serious situation you're in. I posted here about it last week and the replies I received from those who take the time to post here have been extremely supportive, understanding and very sensible.

You are living with a clone of a guy who is married to a good friend of ours. He's about 5' 6" (apologies to all the vertically challenged posters here!), and suffers from "The Small Man" syndrome-everything has to be bigger and better than anyone else has or does, to make up for his height. He has been abusive to her all their married life-mentally, physically and psychologically. He always boasts about his big house and the amount of money he earns. He's a full blown alcoholic and most of his money goes on drink and on those that he buys drink for, to prove to them what a big and important guy he is. His business went belly up because the money he should have been putting aside for the Tax Man, went over the counter of every pub he went into. All her friends pleaded with her to leave him and to have a life that she and her kids could enjoy. She stayed with him much longer than she should have and, in the process, cut herself off permenently from some people who were there for her when she needed somebody. She did eventually get a court order and kick him out but she did so years after she should have done it. He hasn't changed but she is now back on track, with a new partner, and has regained much of the self confidence that he had drained out of her during their years together.

And back to the point I made at the start. I got great advice from posters here. They're giving you great advice also. Please heed it. I can understand why you don't want to do anything at Christmas but, in the short term, you have to get away from this bullying little sh*t!

Nobody should have to live with, or put up with, a person like him. You strike me as a wonderful human being. You have only one life. Please don't waste it. You deserve better and you deserve happiness. Get away from him.

CDfm

OP Paddy in Chelsea seems to have hit the nail on the head.

You should also discuss his drinking with the man himself. If his drinking is totally out of control just take a tally of what he drinks and ask him can he cut down in the new year and see if he can stop say Sunday to Friday night each week.

Why dont you also make enquiries of the HSE on their alcohol addiction courses as I believe they run evening courses 1 evening a week and go on one together.You can also ask your GP for help.

Its difficult to get out of a mortgage especially if the amount of the mortgage exceeds the property value. His income and credit history would have to be such that would allow him take it over. That seems unlikely.
Now it may be that he can do the mortgage or even take in a lodger.

You mentioned that you are two bullheaded people and I am sure the relationship didnt start off this way but this may fuel it.

silentmovies

a new year is comming, make freah start, u really deserve better
best of luck making the fresh break