Best friend ignores the lads in favour of gf

Rocky77

My best mate, who's 26, met his first girlfriend in March and has, as most of his close friends would have predicted, turned into one of those 'forget his mates to spend every minute with her' type of guys. Coming back from the AC/DC concert in Punchestown, I was driving my brother was in the passenger's seat and he was in the back on the phone to her for a good 45 minutes telling her how much he loved her and how he didn't care that we could here. A tad uncomfortable, you might say...

Anyway, since that we've seen him less and less. Refuses all suggestions of nights out cos he's says he's always broke but on average has nights out with her and her mates every second week. If ever confronted with these statistics he gets uber-defensive and flies off the handle. I took to clling over to his house on week nights to watch telly just so I could see him and despite all the promises of him doing likewise he never once bothered.

It's worth pointing out that in the time they've been going out, I've met her once, the same number as the rest of the lads in our circle.

OK, now I appreciate that it's his first girlfriend and the novelty factor is still there but likewise this is all new to him so it can be dangerous to get too wrapped up too quickly, I fear anyway.

Anyone got any similar experiences? He's my best mate and don't want to lose all touch with him but I can't continue to beg him to grant me some time now and again...

LegacyUser

Maybe give him some time he might come round in a few months. Besides if you keep hounding him to spend time with him and calling over the whole time he might think it's a bit strange. I'm a girl and have friends that go through this phase apart from saying I don't get to see much of you we should arrange to do something I really don't think there's a whole lot else you can do. For all you know she could be the posessive, clingy type and if this is his first relationship he might think this is normal relationship behaviour. You sure she doesn't have him under the thumb.

unclecessna

I personally think that you have done all that you can and have handled this with patience and compassion.

If I were you I would just stop making the effort re your friend. I would just take the guy off my radar completely - life has a way of working itself out - my bet is sonner or later your friend will hit a rough patch with the girlfriend and then realize the error of his ways when he goes looking for support from his friends who simply couldn't be bothered anymore after the way he has been treating them recently.

disneymum

Hi Rocky77

I'm coming at you from the other side here but bear with me!
When now husband and I started going out we were very much in our own world and he did leave things go with his buddies as did I with the girls. As time moved on we did too and settled down had a few kids (earlier than everyone else cause we have been together so long), now he feels he has very little in common with them. Some of them, both the lads and the girls have babies now so the bridge is begining to form again as we have common interests but we have still lost out on those really good friendships.
My advice give him time for her but let him know ye're still there too. (easier said than done I know)
I know it's not much but I hope it helps....in some way;)

MissFlitworth

It sucks OP but it's a very common thing to happen and is unlikely to change. Nothing you're going to say will make him give spending time with her in order to head out with you. In your situation I'd stop making so much of an effort with him, it'll just end up frustrating you and giving him an un-needed ego boost ('I'm just sooo popular, but the lads don't understand what it's like to be in an adult relationship' and so on)

Don't be bitter about it, just hang out with your friends and stop inviting him along and watch out for the PI about 'I've no friends anymore and I'm sick of going out with my girlfriends mates'

Fiend-Foe

We had a mate like this who totally disappeared when he met his first girlfriend. His personality totally changed too. He didn't make any effort to see anybody or do anything with us for months. Then when as soon as they broke up everything went right back to normal. It was kinda insulting that he thought he could pick everything up right where it left off. Also insulting that he was looking for support from his mates after the breakup but had been nowhere to be seen for months when his mates may have needed some.

So as said above the only thing you can do is wait and leave him to it, as soon as there's some trouble in paradise he will be straight back. The thing is if you will still value him as much as a mate. It's very selfish when people behave this way, but I don't think they mean to be such pricks. It's like they have blinkers on and can't see how they're acting.

Monkey61

Ah I'd say give the lad a break.

He's 26 and has just got his first girlfriend. He probably wanted one for years so no wonder he is excited about it and being in love and such.

Yes we all learn over time that it is healthier to maintain your own friendships and lives and not get too wrapped up in someone else - but he has to learn that for himself. There is nothing that you can do to make him realise this now.

It could be a number of things really. He could have major self esteem or confidence issues and is enjoying his comfort zone too much now to move out of it. Or he could just be devoting time to his future and trying to build a life with this girl.

As we get older it does make sense I think to prioritise your partner (obviously not to such extreme levels) as they are the ones that you might conceivably be spending the rest of your life with, starting a family with and building an immense support structure with.

I think part of being good friends with someone is allowing them time to drift and follow their own happiness. Let him make his mistakes and if it all goes wrong (and it may or may not) don't abandon him then to prove a point. As it stands it has only been 9 months. If this had been going on for three years I'd say maybe just realise that the friendship might be over; but it is early days yet.

Why don't you try to get the friendship groups together? If he goes out with her friends why don't all of you go along as well? Or if money is an issue why don't you try to work out one night a month where a group of you go around to his house to hang out. Or maybe invite the pair of them out together? Maybe he is sick of lads nights out and he just prefers cooking dinner and having lots of sex, after years of nights out getting drunk and going home alone. It's still all a novelty to him.