Budget Funnies !

dak

What DO you think of the Budget !

dak

"Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month; others just go over them."

dak

EFFECTIVE Jan 1, 2010

NEW PUBLIC SERVICE OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed accord­ing to
your salary ( If you have one left)

2) If we see you wear­ing Prada shoes and car­ry­ing a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well finan­cially
and there­fore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to man­age your
money bet­ter, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
there­fore you do not need a raise. ( Don't let anyone catch you going north)

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and there­fore you do not need a raise - just a levy!

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s state­ment as proof
of sick­ness. If you are able to go to the doc­tor, you are able to come to work.

Per­sonal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 per­sonal days a year.
They are called Sat­ur­days & Sundays.

Bereave­ment Leave:
This is no excuse for miss­ing work. There is noth­ing you can do for dead friends,rel­a­tives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrange­ments in your place. In rare cases where employee involve­ment is nec­es­sary, the funeral should be sched­uled in the late after­noon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and sub­se­quently leave one hour early.

Bath­room Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toi­let.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three min­utes, an alarm will
sound, the toi­let paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a pic­ture will be taken. After your
sec­ond offense, your pic­ture will be posted on the
com­pany bul­letin board under the ‘Chronic Offend­ers’
cat­e­gory. Any­one caught smil­ing in the pic­ture will be
sec­tioned under the company’s men­tal health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny peo­ple get 30 min­utes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Nor­mal size peo­ple get 15 min­utes for lunch to get a
bal­anced meal to main­tain their aver­age figure.
* Chubby peo­ple get 5 min­utes for lunch, because that’s
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loy­alty to our Public Service We are here
to pro­vide a pos­i­tive employ­ment expe­ri­ence. There­fore,
all ques­tions, com­ments, con­cerns, com­plaints,
frus­tra­tions, irri­ta­tions, aggra­va­tions, insin­u­a­tions,
alle­ga­tions, accu­sa­tions, con­tem­pla­tions, con­ster­na­tion
and input should be directed elsewhere.

Brian 1 and Brian 2 ( If we weren't dyxlexic we'ed be 2 Brains )

boneless

Guy walks into a pub with a budgie on his shoulder... oh, wait... BUDGET!! sorry...

dak

NEW TRAVEL Policy effective 1st Jan 2010


MemorandumTo: All Public Employees


Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.

Transportation If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in NY but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to London, then travel to London will be substituted for travel to NY.

Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.

Lodgings : All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.MealsExpenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as “Dunnes” and “Tesco" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.

Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering “all you can eat” salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business.

Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment : Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to “pick up the tab”. Such actions will save the Country money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about “spending his money on providing a good product for him”, not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.

Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in all parking lots complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.

Miscellaneous : All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate Euros. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport “layover” periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, “Red Caps” will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Thanks

The 2 Brians again

dak

Leaked

New Dailian Travel Policy
10th December 2009

Memorandum

To: All Ministers, Whips ,Shadow Ministers .. all our friends in the Dail !
From: Headquarters


Now that we have the €4 billion secured lets have a ball ! The following corporate policies are announced regarding Dailians on any travel ! Don’t forget to always say its official business . The purpose of these policies is to spend money, thereby decreasing depression and increasing happiness !

Transportation

If commercial transportation must be utilized, the dearest tickets will be purchased. Any travel other than 1st Class Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances . If, for example, if a meeting with anyone is scheduled in Dublin , but you can have more craic travelling to Dubai , then travel to Dubai .

Lodging

The Annual Christmas party is in the Burj Al Arab . If anyone asks we are on a Diplomatic Irish- UAE trade mission . Well it is true as we can trade stories !

Meals

Expenditures for drink and meals will be unlimited


Entertainment

Entertainment while on travel is encouraged. Enjoy it while we can !

Miscellaneous

All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to spend corporate euros ! If we have to take a 20 or 30 % cut in Salary lets ensure we make up for it !

Didn’t we tell you the year would end well !

Happy X-mas

B &B

Sea Sharp

I wrote this on FB yesterday.

"God dammit I have to cut 1.2 GB off my C drive to install something and I can't find any useless files. Now I know how Brian Lenihan feels."

dak

Brian Cowan has denied roumours that he is gambling with public finances! He said " we have come a long way and have turned the corner but still have a lotto do ! "

Capt'n Midnight

A budget is what you stay within if you go without