Didn't attend baby's birth and now I feel like sh1t

LegacyUser

My marriage is on the rocks and my wife and I sleep apart and have done so since shortly after she got pregnant. We were having real problems prior to her conceiving so the pregnancy isn't the cause of us living apart (while still under the same roof).

However, during the 9 months, she told me nothing of how she was getting on, never asked me if I wanted to go to the scans etc and even up to this morning when I brought her to the bus stop (she didn't want me to bring her in), she didn't say a word to me. So I went home to mind our other kids while she went into hospital.

At 10am and out of the blue, she rang and asked what time was I coming into the hospital as her c-section was scheduled for 12.00pm. I said I was minding the kids (which she bloody well knows) and I couldn't abandon them (or bring them in) to rush into Holles Street. She asked why I hadn't gotten my mother to mind the kids so I could go in. Then I was told that the new baby would be brought into the world with no one to look after it as she'd be in recovery following the section. This guilt trip was laid on thick. At the time I was raging as she's been giving me hell for a year now, slagging me off in front of the kids, refused to let me be part of the pregnancy etc and all of a sudden I'm needed and I'm a swine for not being there when the new baby is born.

The thing is, I'm now on the verge of tears as I was at the birth of all my kids except this one and I was so bloody stupid to let my pride get in the way and thus I've missed out on my child being born. He/she is now on their own in a crib in Holles Street while I'm at home with my 9 year old, 4year old and 18month old. I've no one to call on to mind my kids so I can go into hospital. I'm such a sh1t for letting my failed marriage and my anger at my wife get in the way of me being there when my child came into the world. While I'm not one to have regrets, this is the one moment of my life that I'll never forget or forgive myself for.

Stupid fcuking pride is cold comfort at this time.

metrovelvet

Why cant you bring them with you? Get a cab.

You missed out on his birth, try not to miss out on his life.

littlebug

stupidmistake you must feel awful BUT your baby doesn't know you weren't there. Lots of fathers don't attend the births of their babies for various reasons and it doesn't affect their relationship one way or the other. And really your baby doesn't have "no one to look after it". That's what the nurses and midwives are there for. Could you bundle up the kids and bring them all to the hosp to see the new baby?

Your relationship with your wife is another thing however and though you admit it yourself you let pride get in the way of you thinking straight and thinking about the birth of this baby, there's a pair of you in it! For the second half of my second pregnancy I had my plan A, B and C in place for looking after my eldest when I and my husband went into hospital and in general that's what MOST mothers do!

I think all you can do now is try to get over your guilt thing now and try to get the house in order for your wife and baby coming home so you can all establish a relationship with the new bab in a relatively peaceful environment. What a difficult situation to be living in for everyone in the family. Have you considered or tried marriage counselling?

Trev M

Ive been trying to come up with some words of consolation but , jaysus its a tough situation no matter who's to blame...sound like a serious lack of planning and stuborness on both sides.

I wouldnt dwell on whats done - its gone.

Try put the wheels in motion NOW to improve things. The only thing you can do is to pack everyone up and get in a cab and go in...alternatively do nothing which is going to make for a horrible day for you and the rest of your family.

Regardless of where youre at with your partner Id suggest its a time to try and bring the family together, not let other things divide you.

You said yourself stupid pride...well suck it up bro and do what it takes to bring your family together.

I hope things get better.... they wont get better by themselves though thats for sure.

Best of luck

January

I reckon the comments of "bring the kids with you" is pretty redundant at the moment since there is a blanket ban on visiting in the hospitals at the moment due to the swine flu outbreak. Only the birthing partner/nominated visitor is allowed into the hospital and it cannot be interchanged between people either.

Is there anyway you can get someone to mind the kiddies? Arrive into the hospital with the biggest bunch of flowers or chocolate (yes, you and your wife are on the rocks but she did just give birth to your child) and apologize for not being there. Don't argue, I know it's hard right now. Is it possible that after your wife gets out of hospital you can start some counselling to try and work on your marriage and relationship?

Beruthiel

Stupidmistake

Now I don't mean to be harsh but from what you say above, being at the birth of your latest child is the very least of your problems. So put that behind you right now, it's of little consequence in the grand scheme of things.
As has been pointed out to you already, your child does not know or care.

What is more important, what you should be focusing on is how to keep your family together in a happy, home environment.
You say your marriage is on the rocks, are you intending to fix that? Is your wife?
That is where you should be putting all your energy.
Best of luck.

BTW - did I read that right, did you put your wife on a bus when she was in the process of giving birth?

loyatemu

Beruthiel wrote: »

BTW - did I read that right, did you put your wife on a bus when she was in the process of giving birth?

it was a scheduled C-Section was my reading of it.

Beruthiel

loyatemu wrote: »

it was a scheduled C-Section was my reading of it.

Sorry. Ya.
Still. Harsh.

metrovelvet

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sorry. Ya.
Still. Harsh.

A cab would have been the more considerate option. That's for sure. Especially carrying all the gear you have to take with you.

Rondolfus

Stupidmistake wrote: »

I wanted to go to the scans etc and even up to this morning when I brought her to the bus stop (she didn't want me to bring her in), she didn't say a word to me.

:eek: ........just........:eek:

Nevyn

Not everyone has a car or the means to pay for a taxi so please let's not get side tracked,
pregnant women do travel on public transport.

Stupidmistake I suggest you get in contact with friends and family and get someone to mind the children and you get yourself into the hospital pronto.

If you knew she was going in to have the baby you should have made arrangements earlier, what ever has been going on between the two of you, you should have made the effort today, you can still make a lot of this right. Make the phone calls go see your new child, go thank your wife and be there for her as much as you can.

cbyrd

what a sad situation..

pregnancy hormones make women crazy, there's no doubt about it.. not attending the birth is not a shooting offence..k.. try to get someone to take the kids if even for an hour. get your butt to the hospital and make an effort to make ammends, by not talking to you i think your wife was testing to see how far she could push you, in this instance it was too far.

this new baby could be a new start your wife is going to need a lot of help and in fairness to you she didn't make any plans either for your other children. there's a pair of you in it unfortunately and at the end of it all it's the kids that take the brunt of it. both of you have to realise you can't use them as bargaining tools they rely on you to make the best of things so you have to suck it up get to the hospital and take care of the newest member of the family.

there's also the post natal stuff to consider.. it's not going to be easy but you have to do your best so it can't be thrown back in your face at a later time. nobody knows the truth behind a marriage on the rocks only the 2 people involved, as they say theres 3 sides to this yours hers and the truth.. find some perspective, what's the most important thing and start there.. and good luck i hope it works out for you!!;)

eviltwin

It seems to me you missing the birth isnt really the issue here at all. If you've been having problems prior to the pregnancy I imagine you could have been there and you would still be where you are today.

You need to address what was there beforehand and deal with it rather than focus on the fact you weren't there.

But what I really cant understand is why on earth would any couple going through marital difficulties even think about having a child? Thats just crazy.

Just concentrate on being a good dad at the moment. Neither you nor your wife are going to be in any fit state to concentrate on repairing your relationship at the moment. Call a time out and just be there for her and the kids and when the dust settles then think about counselling.

LegacyUser

I got a phone call from a nurse in Holles Street to inform me that the c-section went well but the nurse hung up before I could ask if it was a boy or a girl. That started me wondering if that was because the nurse was busy/ignorant or if it was my wife's instructions.

As for putting her on a bus, I did offer to bring her in but she said no to that, and besides it would have meant getting our other 3 kids out of bed at 6am to drive from our place in Naas into Holles Street (she had to be in by 8am) and then straight back home to get 2 of them to school. And we were told that only the partner can go in due to the swine flu paranoia that pertains, so I can't go in with the kids. There's no one available to babysit as her family is in the west of Ireland and mine are on the northside of Dublin, and they all have busy enough lives of their own.

I didn't want another child because of how things are, but in our house sex is only available when she wants a baby, otherwise its "fcukoff with yourself" - meet me, the worlds only walking sperm bank. Unfortunately for me, I tend to hit the target almost straight away which means that sex is practically non existant and if I get the chance, then I take it cause I don't like the celibate lifestyle.

I've had family and friends calling to see if there is any news but apart from my mother (who could always read me like a book and who knows that my marriage is over), no one else knows how things are and I can't think of a way to get round to telling them the truth, i.e., "did Mary have the baby? - er yes but I don't know what she had!". I'm now avoiding answering the phone as I can't think of what to say. With no babysitter, I can't go in without the kids and they wouldn't be let in anyways. As for the reception I'd get, well hell hath no fury like my former wife.

I've been thinking about this all day and what I've come up with is bringing a child into an unhappy marriage is a stupid mistake. I'll be the best Dad I can to the child but I'm sure my darling wife will love to tell him/her how Daddy couldn't be bothered attending his/her birth.

Moonbeam

Ask a neighbour,a friend,a relation anyone you trust to look after the kids and go in and visit your lovely new baby. otherwise she might hold it against you forever or you might regret it.

eviltwin

"I didn't want another child because of how things are, but in our house sex is only available when she wants a baby, otherwise its "fcukoff with yourself" - meet me, the worlds only walking sperm bank. Unfortunately for me, I tend to hit the target almost straight away which means that sex is practically non existant and if I get the chance, then I take it cause I don't like the celibate lifestyle."

Whatever happened to personal responsibility? You did yourself, your wife and your existing kids a huge disservice bringing a child into the world you didnt want just because you wanted to get your end away

Whatever happened to using protection or God forbid just saying NO???

Stargate

Stupid Mistake wrote: »

I got a phone call from a nurse in Holles Street to inform me that the c-section went well but the nurse hung up before I could ask if it was a boy or a girl. That started me wondering if that was because the nurse was busy/ignorant or if it was my wife's instructions.

As for putting her on a bus, I did offer to bring her in but she said no to that, and besides it would have meant getting our other 3 kids out of bed at 6am to drive from our place in Naas into Holles Street (she had to be in by 8am) and then straight back home to get 2 of them to school. And we were told that only the partner can go in due to the swine flu paranoia that pertains, so I can't go in with the kids. There's no one available to babysit as her family is in the west of Ireland and mine are on the northside of Dublin, and they all have busy enough lives of their own.

I didn't want another child because of how things are, but in our house sex is only available when she wants a baby, otherwise its "fcukoff with yourself" - meet me, the worlds only walking sperm bank. Unfortunately for me, I tend to hit the target almost straight away which means that sex is practically non existant and if I get the chance, then I take it cause I don't like the celibate lifestyle.

I've had family and friends calling to see if there is any news but apart from my mother (who could always read me like a book and who knows that my marriage is over), no one else knows how things are and I can't think of a way to get round to telling them the truth, i.e., "did Mary have the baby? - er yes but I don't know what she had!". I'm now avoiding answering the phone as I can't think of what to say. With no babysitter, I can't go in without the kids and they wouldn't be let in anyways. As for the reception I'd get, well hell hath no fury like my former wife.

I've been thinking about this all day and what I've come up with is bringing a child into an unhappy marriage is a stupid mistake. I'll be the best Dad I can to the child but I'm sure my darling wife will love to tell him/her how Daddy couldn't be bothered attending his/her birth.

So Sorry to hear of your sad situation , it must be soul destroying for you , your wife and the kids , everyones suffering , hope you get something sorted coming up to xmas , wish you the very best of luck ....follow your heart !!

Oryx

Not seeing your child born is something you cant change now. Accept it and deal with your other problems. First, phone the hospital again and ask the sex of the child. I cant understand why you havent already, you are the childs father, but you sound like youre going around in a haze, or a panic and doing nothing.

Stop attempting to hide your broken marriage from everyone. Why are you doing that at all? Trying to keep up appearances and the wheels on the family, for what? Young or not, your kids wont be long noticing if they havent already. Marriage breakup happens, sure, people will talk about you, but trying to hide it just adds another layer of pressure as you keep your public face 'happily married'.

It sounds to me like you are both living in the same house, while seething with resentment of each other, but not doing anything constructive about it. The keeping up appearances aspect adds to that, as you just keep going every day, making dinners and tending to the kids without actually dealing with your problems. Before you know it, a year has gone by. Youve got to get proactive, you cant live like this longterm. For now, find a way to deal with civility with your wife, ask her for the same. Over the next few weeks, deal with this new baby, but also get counselling if you havent already. Tell close relatives so you have understanding people who will give you space as a couple to sort out your marriage.

Actually DO something about this, dont just stay in your separate bedrooms and wait for the sky to fall and magically sort it for you.

Cabaal

Stupid Mistake wrote: »

I didn't want another child because of how things are, but in our house sex is only available when she wants a baby, otherwise its "fcukoff with yourself" - meet me, the worlds only walking sperm bank. Unfortunately for me, I tend to hit the target almost straight away which means that sex is practically non existant and if I get the chance, then I take it cause I don't like the celibate lifestyle.

You may not like the lifestyle of being celibate but sex for sex sake is not a very good idea and bringing another kid into the world is only adding to your problems so your options should have been
- No sex
- Get snip
- Use Condoms

Just because she offers sex doersn't mean it should be taken especially given as you said yourself its "fcukoff with yourself" unless she';s the one offering it.

Its possiable she may want to have other kids with the hope it will fix things (wouldn't be the first to think this), or having kids to try make up for an unhappy marriage...neither of which are a very good idea.

Neither of you can continue hiding the problems you both need to either talk to each other and somebody else about this for the sake of the kids, if the outcome is you seperate let it atleast be on good terms for the sake of your kids.

Nobody...neither you or her should use the kids as weapons against each other

Snowman123

I am really sorry to hear that you missed the birth.

There is NOTHING you can do about it now. So try and make your home somewhere safe and nice for the baby to come home to.

As much of a c#nt your wife may be - tell her congrats/well done/sorry you couldnt make it and take it from there.

Dont give up on the marraige and family life together just yet.

First step make peace and see where yous go from there.

Ring and find out what sex the baby is.

Ignore your phone.. people understand you will have more on your mind right now.

And congrats on the new baby. I really really hope this works out.