How can I help my friend

LegacyUser

I know what some of the responses might be, but I would like some advice.

I have a close friend who has been in a relationship with a man for the past six years. Now, I didn't like him from the start, it was a personality clash, and he messed her around for a few months before hooking up with another friend of a friend. She was devestated and I was the shoulder to cry on for months. She said at the time he was the only man for her, she had a few brief flings but held out until she could get him back.

A year after all this drama, she met up with him, they ended up going on some dates as "friends" and eventually it developed into a relationship. As I said, its been going on six years. During this time, he decided (without consulting her) to move to another country to work for two years, leaving her to commute to see him which upset her greatly. He is now back in Ireland, but instead of suggesting they move in together, he moved into a flat with a friend, something she said she is ok with but over a few drinks said to me that she is really annoyed he doesn't want to move the relationship forward.

She wants to get married and have children, we are in our late 20s so its the time of life we should be thinking about these things, but says she has to wait until he decides when this will happen. She seems to have her life on hold waiting for this man to propose, but what if he decides its not for him?

To make things worse, I was the perpertually single friend with a few short relationships but met someone six months ago. From the start I felt like I'd met "the one" and we are now discussing living together and what the future will be like for us. I know its soon, but I always felt when you know someone is right, you just know. I don't want to throw my happiness in her face, but I'm just so delighted to be in love with a man who loves me too and who is excited about our future together. I had dinner with my friend the other evening and she said it sounds like I'm more secure in my six month relationship than she is after six years.

How can I help her? I think she feels she's invested so much time with this guy she can't walk away now, but I think every day she's waiting for him to make a move is a day lost when she could meet someone who wants what she wants. I don't want to brag about my relationship, but I want to discuss my life with her as she does with me? How should I approach this?

Sanjuro

Unfortunately, OP, I don't think there is anything you can do to help your friend. In my experience, people in positions like your friend have to figure this situation out for themselves. She obviously is in love with her guy and will do anything to be with him, and if you try and interfere, you'll end up getting the nose bitten off you. By all means, talk to her and be her friend, but be very careful about offering advice on the situation. Obviously you don't want your friend to get hurt, but the best you can do is be there for her when she needs you. She needs to wake up to this situation herself. It's not your responsibility to open her eyes for her.

LegacyUser

Look. The way you can help her is to stop enabling her.

The bloke she is with is making a mug of her but not as much as she is making a mug of herself. Stop treating her with kid gloves, she is an adult and needs to grow up and start taking responsibility for her own happiness.

You earned your happiness YOURSELF. No one did it for you so don't feel guilty. I've often been the one in your shoes, spoonfeeding some dysfucntional 'friend' (drain) at the expense of my own quality of life.

Explain gently to her that you don't approve of the bloke she is with and why and let her take it from there. You cannot hand hold an adult through life. The more you shelter her from the consequences of her choices the less she will learn.

LegacyUser

I have told her I don't think he is a good guy, but her response is that she knows him well and she knows there is no one else out there for her. I know that is not true, she is gorgeous and has a lovely personality so any man would love to be with her, but I think she feels she's at a "point of no return" and its too late to end things now.

I said the best thing she could do would be to sit him down and say "I plan on being married when I'm X, first child at X and second at Y" so he knows that if this isn't something he wants, she can find someone who does want marriage and a family. This did not go down too well, she said she would never "hassle" him into marriage she wants him to propose.

Any further advice/comments really appreciated.

Sanjuro

good friend wrote: »

I have told her I don't think he is a good guy, but her response is that she knows him well and she knows there is no one else out there for her. I know that is not true, she is gorgeous and has a lovely personality so any man would love to be with her, but I think she feels she's at a "point of no return" and its too late to end things now.

I said the best thing she could do would be to sit him down and say "I plan on being married when I'm X, first child at X and second at Y" so he knows that if this isn't something he wants, she can find someone who does want marriage and a family. This did not go down too well, she said she would never "hassle" him into marriage she wants him to propose.

Any further advice/comments really appreciated.

Well what else to you propose to say to her. You've told her your feelings on the issue, and that you don't think he's good enough for her. She's given you her response, and she wants to stay with him. Whether you agree with her or not, you cant control her relationship. If you persist with the issue, you risk a backlash that could result in a breakdown in your friendship. I know it sucks to watch a friend in a relationship you feel isn't good enough for them, but it's their mistake to make, and learn from. You cant protect her from it.