everything is crumbling again i'm scared

LegacyUser

this is going to be a long one but please bare with me i feel i've no other option right now. i'm sorry for the vagueness in my post, i don't want to be recognised.

i started counseling a few years ago because i came from a rocky home environment and it had began to affect my life. before that it was a balancing act to appear to the outsiders that everything was fine. i was often admired for my "easy life" so i did well to cover myself. inside i felt eventually everything would be okay. i focused on the good not the bad.
it all started to spill out and everyone found out and i couldn't hide anymore. so i went to counselling.
i was at first ashamed, then scared and then very numb. i felt that my problems weren't "good" enough for the amount of attention i was seeking. i was surprised to find out my life wasn't as typical as i grew up believing. i began for the first time to fully understand and let myself feel pity for myself and i fell into depression, i felt i was everything bad under the sun. i cried until i couldn't cry anything more except a dull ache. then i began cutting myself to feel just something different. Which just led to more shame.
if it wasn't for the man in my life at the time i know without a shadow of a doubt i wouldn't be alive anymore. i cared about noone else in the world anymore. i only stopped myself because i couldn't hurt him in any way. he was my rock.

I tried meds, they had really horrible side affects. i talked until i couldn't talk anymore. i put all my effort into taking the focus off of me and into helping others. ironically this lost me my rock or at least he said so, he said he didn't think he loved me anymore because he didn't believe in helping people. maybe he just got tired.
so i made it my mission, it became a higher purpose to it all. i didn't have anyone anymore so why not? for over a year it was all about others. i saw some of the most horrible things and won and lost different things to help others. i just worked and slept. i felt great at the start, and then more and more emotionally drained, far older then my age. I grew greatly as a person though so i do not regret it.

deep down i knew i needed to do something for me though. i yearned for a passion of mine that helped me see the world in a better way. i returned to it.
when i begun i was so happy i cried after the first week because i felt guilty to feel so happy when those i was helping before was still where they were. it keeps me awake less so now but still it can if i'm not careful or distracted.

i had met someone special just before this and everything is going well with him. he is nice to me and i think i love him but he does not love me (yet hopefully as opposed to ever).

now i SHOULD be on top of the world. But why am i starting to feel depressed again?? Now i wasn't depressed when i was working before to help others, emotional drained yes but not outright depressed. i wasn't happy but i was hopeful for the future.

plus i was so happy to begin with only when i started this new path. i still am enjoying it, i'm doing well. but when i'm alone, i feel so sad. i cannot be alone. i feel like life's just full of trials for everyone and i'm losing the point. i feel alone and all i see is the trouble in the world. i'm at my wits end. i don't want to bother my new boyfriend because i feel like i don't want to put too much on top of him. i guess its a mix of not wanting to rely on anyone anymore and wanting to pretend this is all just going to pass. I'm sorry to say i'm not sure anymore. worst of all this is how it began in the first place. the same feeling when i'm alone.

i'm too scared to see a counsellor again but i don't think rehashing old wounds will solve anything.

i know i'm going to get posters saying "lifes tough, get over it" i've tried to get over it but my thinking is so bad. if you saw the world the way i do you'd find it as hard as i do to get out of the bed too.

i'm sorry to say i just wish i could be brainwashed into thinking the world is good but i do. i don't know what i expect but i had to try something.

Ticktactoe

You feel guilty when you feel good about yourself. You help others so to divert any attention away from yourself and helping anyone except yourself is a good thing or so you believe.

You need to feel comfortable in your own company. Happy with yourself and who you are. Praise yourself daily. Its an emotional battle you have with yourself and you can only overcome this when you accept that you are worth your weight and gold, and that you deserve to be loved and to love yourself.

Be strong

AngryBadger

OP whenever someone realises they have a problem that needs to be sorted they're always entering into a project that is going to take a long time to finish.

Without knowing the specifics of your situation, from what you've said it seems that you've had a bad run, and you've been trying to adjust yourself to avoid finding yourself in the same situation again.

The problem is that in adulthood we become very set in certain ways, not simply habits, but ways of looking t the world, and that makes it even harder to deal with problems, since those problems are rooted in the same habits.

The only honest advice I can offer is to say that I, (like everyone else ) have been htere, and it's a long road. But coming on here was a good idea, continue to do so while you try to work things out.

And best of luck