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Sick of myself.

  • 08-12-2009 2:30pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    This is sort of a tricky one to explain, but I'll do my best.

    I'm 19, living at home in what I consider a ****ing war zone. All I want is a normal family, but I have one full of hate, anger, guilt and resentment. My mam I'm pretty sure suffers from depression, and also suffers from bulimia (please don't give out to me for not being sympathetic, after 8 years of being very aware of it and getting to see/hear it after every bloody family meal, it's getting tiresome). My sister has serious anger problems, and her and my mum argue ALL the time - basically they hate each other and because they live together, they use the most horrible, personal things against each other. It gets so violent sometimes and the guards have been called. My dad is a saint, and I wish he'd just leave because he doesn't deserve this at all. He gets so much **** from the both of them, and it just kills me to think about. There's so much he wants to do.

    The majority of memories I have of my childhood are arguments. We sit down to have dinner and no one says anything.

    No one really knows about this because to some extent I'm amazing at hiding it. But I think it's all coming out in other ways. Maybe it's the reason I am like I am, or maybe that's just me.

    I constantly feel guilty because I don't want to go out and start having a good time because I feel guilty on everyone at home - they're so miserable and have been for a long time. I'm so paranoid about my friends, always thinking I've done something or they suddenly hate me. Any time a relationship begins to develop with a guy, I run a mile (i'm trying to stop this from happening right now) - I always find a stupid fault with him that I can't seem to let go even though it's ridiculous, but then I get jealous when i see them with someone else and want that happiness too.


    Please help?


Comments

  • #2
    RossFixxxed
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,102 ✭✭✭RossFixxxed


    You have to, HAVE TO look after yourself. If you are in a toxic situtation and bring yourself down on top if it, then you can't do anything.

    Can you move out? Move in with mates? Distance away and fending for yourself may be a big boost.

    You have NO reason to feel guilty. You have every right to go out, have fun, spend your money. If relationships are an issue, there is no need to be in one. All your focus should be on yourself. If you can't function you can't help anyone.

    On the plus you have friends, you are able to meet guys and at least start something. If nothing else that's a confidence boost for yourself! Serioulsy you have to live your own life for you. If that involves helping your family that's great but not to the tune of making you miserable or your life suffering severely.

    Really you need to start doing things gradually for yourself. Not all at once but a hobby, something away from the house. Maybe a 'movie night' in a friend's house on a set day...? A set time to go out walking/running/drinking/dancing/tv/playing music or whatever floats your boat.

    Look you may have got the repetition. Look after YOU and do it NOW. That does not not not mean avoiding your family or being cruel to them. It means being kind to you and that ultimately is good for them too.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time of it OP. We certainly can't pick our families!! It sounds to me like you are pretty close to your dad so maybe if you sat down and had a chat to him about things. Explain that the situation in really starting to get to you and is starting to affect your personal life. Maybe between you, you could go about trying to resolve these issues and it may help you both to know you are not alone in the situation.

    Also have you thought about going for some counselling? It might help to air these problems with someone completely neutral.

    I have issues with my family also, they are great for sweeping problems under the carpet and letting resentments fester. Obviously this doesn't help anyone. Have you tried talking to your mum about her illness?

    I don't know if this is any help, issues with family is always a minefield but you can't keep going on like this. You only have one life and if your family are making you so miserable maybe you should think about moving out for awhile and explain to them exactly why you are going and that they need to have a long hard look at themselves and sort out their issues.

    Hope things work out for you OP x


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