Friendship - Your thoughts?

Ticktactoe

I am wondering what people think about friendship?
I consider good friendship to be important but Im starting to think lately that I am expecting to much i.e a good friend is someone i would do anything for, trust completely and consider part of my 'family'.

Ive recently taken a 'knock' back in relation to people I would have considered as very good friends and now im looking at it in hindsight wondering was I a bit naive.

I would just love to hear peoples views on what they consider good friendship to be....:rolleyes:

CDfm

Ticktactoe - you can count the people you can really trust on one hand.

So you will only have a few real friends in your life. I would say I have one possibly two that I could totally trust with the exception of my partner.

LegacyUser

Interesting post because I have been going through similar revealations about where I stand with my friends myself.

I had high expectations of my long term friends becasue I would have considered my love for them quite unconditional. In our late twenties and early thirties they began to settle and I kind of became 2nd best (next to their boyfriends). This revealation hurt me and I sort of 'withdrew' from them. I see it as a sort of defense mechanism becasue I don't want them to be my number 1 but for me to be their number 2. I hope that makes sense.


At the same time I think I was expecting too much from them at this age. If I had a boyfriend I might not need them so much. If they knew I was hurting as a result of this I do think they would try to make ammends. That is what I have come to also reaslise. We are just at different stages in our lives and I have to accept they have moved on. I don't believe there is any malice involved. It is sad and hard to let go all the same.

On the plus side I have come to appreciate some newer friends and some singles friends so much for the simple reasons:

They ring me
They invite me to things
They reply to my messages
They ask about me
They will know if something is not right with me and try to make me feel better without making a fuss about it


I dunno, I kinda think the people I have met as an adult, treat me like an adult. And visa versa. So if my 'newer' friends and I ever have a misunderstanding, I find it easier to talk through it with them. Perhaps I expect less from them.

Ticktactoe

ToetacTick wrote: »

Interesting post because I have been going through similar revealations about where I stand with my friends myself.

I had high expectations of my long term friends becasue I would have considered my love for them quite unconditional. In our late twenties and early thirties they began to settle and I kind of became 2nd best (next to their boyfriends). This revealation hurt me and I sort of 'withdrew' from them. I see it as a sort of defense mechanism becasue I don't want them to be my number 1 but for me to be their number 2. I hope that makes sense.


At the same time I think I was expecting too much from them at this age. If I had a boyfriend I might not need them so much. If they knew I was hurting as a result of this I do think they would try to make ammends. That is what I have come to also reaslise. We are just at different stages in our lives and I have to accept they have moved on. I don't believe there is any malice involved. It is sad and hard to let go all the same.

On the plus side I have come to appreciate some newer friends and some singles friends so much for the simple reasons:

They ring me
They invite me to things
They reply to my messages
They ask about me
They will know if something is not right with me and try to make me feel better without making a fuss about it


I dunno, I kinda think the people I have met as an adult, treat me like an adult. And visa versa. So if my 'newer' friends and I ever have a misunderstanding, I find it easier to talk through it with them. Perhaps I expect less from them.

Very interesting post and thank you for posting it.
I have noticed that friends come and go due to circumstances in life i.e single, married etc and tbh this is what mainly fueled my post.
I find it difficult to cut the links with friends that you once considered very close - its like loosing a member of the family. It just seems that it all has happened at once.

leahyl

Ticktactoe wrote: »

I am wondering what people think about friendship?
I consider good friendship to be important but Im starting to think lately that I am expecting to much i.e a good friend is someone i would do anything for, trust completely and consider part of my 'family'.

I feel this way too OP. I guess i'm quite naive but a friend to me is someone that you can treat as part of the family and they can call over to your house whenever but i can count the number of times on one hand that i've been in my 'close' friends houses. For example recently we were out of water in the many parts of the city in cork for about a week and a half (my area included) and not one of the friends i consider to be closest to me told me i could use their shower etc. which kind of hurt me to be honest, esp since i've been friends with them about 8 years. But then a girl that i know about a year and a half was like "hey you can come to our house and use our shower and stay the night etc" which was really lovely. It's just nice to be asked.

That's just one example anyway of what i mean so i'm beginning to wonder lately if they really are as sincere as i thought - don't get me wrong like they are still good friends but things like that annoy me. I've also been let down by few people in the past so mayb that's it i don't know:)

LegacyUser

Yeah i've expereienced the same sort of thing lately my friend basically spoke to me as if she is now better than me having gone to Trinity yada yada yada. We had a major row and she was only short of calling me a hick. Nice!!!

Ticktactoe

leahyl wrote: »

I feel this way too OP. I guess i'm quite naive but a friend to me is someone that you can treat as part of the family and they can call over to your house whenever but i can count the number of times on one hand that i've been in my 'close' friends houses. For example recently we were out of water in the many parts of the city in cork for about a week and a half (my area included) and not one of the friends i consider to be closest to me told me i could use their shower etc. which kind of hurt me to be honest, esp since i've been friends with them about 8 years. But then a girl that i know about a year and a half was like "hey you can come to our house and use our shower and stay the night etc" which was really lovely. It's just nice to be asked.

That's just one example anyway of what i mean so i'm beginning to wonder lately if they really are as sincere as i thought - don't get me wrong like they are still good friends but things like that annoy me. I've also been let down by few people in the past so mayb that's it i don't know:)

Exactly, its the hurt that I also find difficult to deal with. I find lately Im telling myself to 'cop' on as such because I was silly to think so much of friendship in the first place.

As a previous poster said you can count the number of good friends on one hand and that has always been the case with me, but over the last few weeks its been reduced to fingers rather than hand.

I find it difficult to 'pretend' that a good friendship exists when it doesn't and when you feel you have been used and let down especially when something better comes along for them. Also its amazing how quickly your 'friends' can believe anything that is said about you (negitively) without asking your version and be happy to talk about you behind your back. How can the pretence continue that a good friendship exists....


PS Thanks for the replies guys, its reassuring to know that Im not the only one that is thinking/feeling this

cufroige

Friendship is not about expectations, if you have expectations from friends, it is inevitable that you will be disappointed.

If you look to external sources for confirmation & validation, again you will be disappointed at some stage.

We all do this at one stage or another, without realising the pressure we put on others to "be" our friends...I think anyway.

A friend is someone who accepts you just the way you are; whether you're at your best or your worst.

Can you claim this level of acceptance toward your friends, even when you feel the way you do?

"Friendship" itself is rarely unconditional, but an unconditional positive regard for the people we call friends is the key to a long term successful friendship.

I have been through the mill with 'friends', but what I discovered is that I wasn't exactly living up to the ideal myself...Today I'm a better friend myself and as a result my friendships are true.

LegacyUser

Hi
I've been just thinking about friendship myself today. I live a different county to my friends but i come home every weekend. i meet up with them as much as I can but lately anymore when I come home they are busy etc and have all met up with each other during the time I've been away. Like on Sunday they all met up for drinks and only for I text one of them I wouldn't have been told about the get together. I was so not impressed. the excuse they used was "we didn't know you were home". Ha bloody ha. If they'd bother to text or ring they would have found out besides me running around after them.


Anyways on a positive side, I've made friends where I am living now. they are lovely people and we do be in touch a lot. Maybe what I learned from these past few days is to stop running around after my "friends" and to come home less and put more effort into my new friends as the friends at home seem to be happy with each other and I don't fit into their group because I do not be home during the week.

New friends get you out and about and you end up going to different places and trying new things. As one of the other poster's said, people move on. I feel sad aswell that it's come to this with my friends at home but change is a good thing, I can't be relying on them for my happiness

Hope things work out for you.