Parent trouble

LegacyUser

Hi

Just looking for some advice or feedback on this issue i have with my Mum.

Basically i think my mam has an issue with alcohol, i've thought this for years. I dont know if you would call her an alcoholic as she has a full time job, etc, still functioning. But she still manages to down a bottle of a vino a night every night.

My problem is i dont mind the fact she drinks but its the person she becomes when she drinks. She is extremly aggressive when she gets drunk, not in a physical way but definetly in an emotional way.

Now i've learned to deal with this as i'm old enough to take it but she started on my 12 year old brother yesterday and i snapped. Told her what i thought of her, wasnt pretty but had to be said. Anyway now she wants me out of the house because i dont respect her blah blah i told her respect is a 2 way street but there is no talking to her.

I know this woman is never going to agree with me on this she lives in a world of denial and she is happy there. but i've had enough of it.

Now i'm homeless, jobless, and boyfriendless.

Do i apoligize and sweep it under the carpet or stay strong and see if wakes her up into getting help?

james.xix

It is difficult, I had a girlfriend who was like that.

When sober she was grand but after a few drinks she was like a different person.

I'm sure it is a hard subject to approach with your mom.

If she does something hurtful, it might be best the day after to say something about it.

If you do this for a while, you've responded in bits to it but there's a time when you will have to have a talk to your mom about all the occasions and hope she listens.

If you talk about one instance, she say that was only one time.

If you've made a bit of a comment the day after over a bit of time, she can't say you've come up with it out of nowhere and you can outline how it's been happening for a while.

I imagine then, she being your mother, she might listen to you.

Neither of my parents ever drank, so you might want to take my advice with a pinch of salt on this.

Nevyn

You can't help her if she doens't want to change.
You can only get help for yourself and your younger brother.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for your replies. Its just so frustrating, she is a lovely person but there is like a personality change when she drinks.

The really sad thing is that i am the same when i drink. But i recognized it and changed my ways, and i'm 23!!!

She is so passive aggressive too, she rang me and asked me what my problem is, I am the one with the issue beacuse i have such a problem with her drinking. She makes me feel so small and insignificant.

I am trying to look after my brothers thats why i stayed at home this long. But i think i have to look after myself now, it is seriously affecting my mental health.

Argh!!

Satyr_The_Great

I know what its like OP. Not my parents buy uncles and friends went thru and are going through the same thing. My uncle is now off the drink 10 years, almnost 11 actually.
If you want to PM me and talk to someone then go ahead. And to the mods, if that last line was inappropriate or not allowed feel free to edit my post.

james.xix

anon 123 wrote: »

OP here.

Thanks for your replies. Its just so frustrating, she is a lovely person but there is like a personality change when she drinks.

The really sad thing is that i am the same when i drink. But i recognized it and changed my ways, and i'm 23!!!

She is so passive aggressive too, she rang me and asked me what my problem is, I am the one with the issue beacuse i have such a problem with her drinking. She makes me feel so small and insignificant.

I am trying to look after my brothers thats why i stayed at home this long. But i think i have to look after myself now, it is seriously affecting my mental health.

Argh!!

How is she passive aggressive?

I've been accused of that here when discussing how my gf would shout at me.

It's very difficult to approach family members to help them with problems like that and to look after your brother.

Do you ever talk to her the day after about things she said and how she made you feel?

LegacyUser

OP here.

I've mentioned it to her on a couple of occasions but the backlash i would get i.e she would then go into a personal attack of my character just to get the attention off her and her drinking. I cant have a rational conversation with her about it.

I have very bad memories from when i was younger with her and her partner arguing and physical violence. I witnessed it and it didnt leave a nice mark!!!

James when i say passive aggressive i mean, she uses me and my character flaws when having an argument, she puts up a brick wall and only hears her side of things.

For example today on the phone " boo hoo lets all feel sorry for you and the terrible life you've had, so your mam drinks so what get over it....."and on and on in a very condescending belittling way.

It justs shatters my very shaky confidence every time we have this argument.
God she is 50 odd years old, get a bit of cop on!

mazcon

Active alcoholics are among the most devious, manipulative people you can meet. They will twist and turn everything that is said to them and nothing will ever be their fault. It is pointless trying to force them to change, you just won't be able to and you will exhaust yourself attempting to. The best advice I can give you is to find your nearest Alanon meeting. There you will find people who understand exactly what your life is like and who will support you. It is amazing the changes that can occur in an alcoholic family when even one person changes how they react. I have being going to meetings for several years now as my husband is an alcoholic. I tried everything I could think of to get him sober and nothing worked. I joined Alanon a mental wreck and I learned that his drinking was not my responsibility, I learned to focus on my life and to leave him to face the consequences of his actions. He is sober today and I definitely think it started with me getting help for me. There is also Alateen which your brother might find helpful. The only problem is that, as far as I know, there are only two Alateen meetings in Ireland, one in Dublin and one in Naas. I don't know if either of those are of any use to you.
Remember, you didn't cause your Mother's alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Take care.x

username123

Hi OP - many +1's to the previous poster. Alanon is the starting point for you. I joined it a mental, emotional and physical wreck and it sorted me out (my father was the alcoholic - he never stopped drinking btw but I got better).

An aggressive backlash when the issue of alcohol is raised is very common, my father used to turn into a horrible disgusting verbally aggressive and physically intimidating bully if anyone questioned his drinking habits, it was always someone else who had the problem, and I mean that to an extreme, I didnt understand cos I was just a kid, my mother clearly was annoyed about something else and just having a go, the guy in the pub he had a fist fight with was looking for trouble, the guard who pulled him over was looking for a promotion, the judge who banned him from driving was just trying to make an example of someone, the bosses who fired him were just a shower of eejits etc.....etc.... The list goes on. Over the years he estranged himself from everyone, family, friends, kids etc... It was always someone else with the problem - never him. Well guess what? It WAS him with the problem!!!

When I joined up with Alanon the whole family dynamic changed because my behaviour changed. As it happened my father never stopped drinking, but my life became better and I learned how to cope with his alcoholism without letting it affect me.

Look after yourself.

Oh - depending on your brothers age he may be able to go to Alanon, not Alateen - we had a 16 yr old in our meetings for a while cos the Alateen wasnt convenient for him. It depends on the meeting and what the people 'in charge' say.