Do men ever really get over first love?

LegacyUser

hi all, i'm looking for some male opinions please.. i know at least 4 guys (friends) who are still hung up on they're ex girlfriends, their first true love if you will... in some cases the relationship has been over almost 4 years and still they pine for their 1st girl and seem to mess up all other relationships along the way cos they keep comparing the current girl to the ex.
It's just that my new BF seems to constantly bring up his ex gf and it's setting off alarm bells, it's been over with them for 3 years and it was a messy break up by all accounts.
My question is guys, if your first true love said she wanted you back, would you go? Or would you say that your 2nd or 3rd relationship is equally as intense and loving as the 1st one was?
sorry if i'm in wrong forum, mods feel free to move.thanks,

Wibbs

It so depends on the man involved. I would say that a lot of guys I've known do carry a bit of a torch or some comparison thing going on with their most significant ex. I would say they're more cautious about going down that road again, particularly if it was messy and they got hurt. Compared to the women I've known I would say more men would feel like that.

With your new BF, I reckon it depends what he says about her. Are they still in contact? Do they meet? that kinda thing, but even there it's all too easy to jump to the wrong conclusions. I wouldnt be too concerned, if he is treating you right and is being a good partner.

LegacyUser

they hadn't been in contact at all up to recently enough when she rang to tell him she'd been thinking of him. (found this out by accident)
but they live quite far apart so they don't see each other
when he does speak about her, it just seems like he's putting her on a pedastal, like she could do no wrong if you know what i mean. Not that i would want him to badmouth her, i mean that wouldn't be a nice trait of his either..

It's a bit early into the relationship for me to make demands regarding how much contact he has with her, i really really like this guy i'm just wondering if i'm wasting my time going any further..
if he's still holding a torch for her he's hardly likely to tell me is he?

LegacyUser

OP, to be honest I think it is a bit disrespectful for your boyfriend to be even mentioning his ex in front of you. It's clearly upsetting you so first and foremost, I think that should be your main concern. There should be no need for her name to ever come into conversation, unless they are still friends. Ask him why he feels the need to mention her and that you do not feel comfortable with it.

Blazer

I'd be concerned...I'd know if it was me or any guy I know he'd definitely dump the girl currently with to get back with the ex..
And if he's talking this much about her then you can take it for granted if there was any chance he'd be gone back to her.l

Wagon

I compare every woman i meet to my ex. It was the only relationship i was ever fully comfortable in until it ended but i'd never go back to her.

Wibbs

Not always. It depends on how much of a life they shared together. In the practical sense I mean. If they have/had the same mates, interests etc, then him mentioning her could simply be a reflection of how much she was a part of his life. It may mean very little vis a vis any attraction left.

Thinking more on this I would say with guys anyway this is very variable. Some men can switch off a past love very easily and move on and experince the same or more a second or third time. At the other extreme you will have guys who never feel that strongly again after that major past love. I would be more the latter type. I had ten odd years between being in love. Even still I ddnt compare the last with the first one and while I would be incredibly cautious about going down that road again, I defo wouldn't rule it out with the right woman. No way. Most would not be that extreme and would be somewhere in the middle I would say.

Sanjuro

I'd agree with Wibbs on this one. The part about never feeling strongly about another love as you do with the first one. I can understand this point of view, as I've been in a few relationships since that first love, but none really compared. However, I think that's more down to the fact that myself and my first love had a lot in common, personality-wise and we got on better than I did with any of the girls I've been with since.

I'm still in contact with that girl, and we're good friends. Rare, I know, but it's just how things worked out. But if the chance of that relationship starting up again arose, would I take it? No. We broke up for a reason, and it was the right thing to do. As great as it was, there were a lot of problems involved too.
But I was in love with her, and since she is the only girl I've ever been in love with, naturally I'm gonna compare other relationships with it. OP, I'd be worried if the guy was always talking about his ex and comparing you to her (which would be pretty low thing to do anyway). Otherwise, we all talk about our exes in some capacity.

krudler

Its human nature to compare past relationships with new ones, everyone does it in some way, and you do bring things from previous relationships,baggage,insecurities, turn offs, dealbreakers, whatever into new ones as well. It wouldnt bother me if someone was talking about their ex as long as it wasnt all the time and it wasnt with rose tinted glasses, but its something you should raise with him as he may not even be aware hes doing it that much

seahorse

Bett wrote: »

OP, to be honest I think it is a bit disrespectful for your boyfriend to be even mentioning his ex in front of you.

Sweet Jesus! If a new bf of mine said that to me I'd run! :eek:

Don't mind this OP. It's natural for people to speak about past relationships regardless whether it's with ex partners or old friends or whatever. You need to look past your current insecurities here. It actually endears me to my partner to know that he remembers his old flames with fondness, but I guess it takes having spent time with a right bitter bastard with a nasty attitude towards his ex's to teach a woman that. I've been there - never again!

Taltos

Hi OP.

We all have history and sometimes it can be hard to let go of that.
At least he feels that he can be open and honest with you - is that not a good thing?
I know my wife is glad that I can talk to her about a woman from my past (not an ex - a regret that I have from teenage yrs where I was too chicken sh1t to let her know how I felt). I only mention her when I have had the same dream a number of nights in a row - but I am really really glad that my wife is ok for me to talk to her about these dreams.

Instead of being harsh on your bf - instead why not let him know that you are glad he can trust these thoughts to you? It is not disrespectful - unless of course he starts down the road of comparing you to her - if that is to happen even once then you need to nip it in the bud - easiest way is to then draw comparisons to some ex of yours. Let him see how he likes it.

Why not sit him down and ask him whats on his mind? ie Why is he talking about her so much? Could it be that something that happened back then - he maybe fears is happening again now? - If that is the case then maybe subconsciously he is trying to stop it before its too late.

opinion guy

Hmmm I think there's no simple one true answer to this. I've done my fair bit of pining in my time, but the older i get the more my attitude shifts. Alo of the people I would have been in love with previously and pined over I'd have no interest in now. You change in time. Sometimes missing someone and then meeting them again is what it takes to see how you've changed. I think that every 'love' (if there is such a thing) is different. But I wouldn't always have thought this. Your guy may be in the process of figuring all this out

Bett wrote: »

OP, to be honest I think it is a bit disrespectful for your boyfriend to be even mentioning his ex in front of you. It's clearly upsetting you so first and foremost, I think that should be your main concern. There should be no need for her name to ever come into conversation, unless they are still friends. Ask him why he feels the need to mention her and that you do not feel comfortable with it.

I disagree with this. Well it depends. If he's going on about it all the time thats bad. If she asked him then its him being honest. At the end of the day if this is how he's feeling the OP is probably better off knowing it than him keeping it secret and talking to the ex behind her back, wouldn't you agree ?

krudler

Bett wrote: »

OP, to be honest I think it is a bit disrespectful for your boyfriend to be even mentioning his ex in front of you. It's clearly upsetting you so first and foremost, I think that should be your main concern. There should be no need for her name to ever come into conversation, unless they are still friends. Ask him why he feels the need to mention her and that you do not feel comfortable with it.

Thats a bit much, surely every couple has had a discussion about one or some of their exes or at least mentioned them at the beginning of a relationship, its an easy talking point as everyone has their past

blogga

Who?

james.xix

It depends on the person.

I generally thing after 4-6 weeks, I'd definitely be over a girl and getting on with my life.

Life is too short to cry over spilt milk.

If it does not work the first time out it generally is best to move on.

Past relationship can shape other relationships. It's best to move on, look back on the positives, learn lessons if you have to and kick on.

LegacyUser

hi all, james.xix i generally get over an ex if i cut contact for a considerable time, "out of sight out of mind" as they say...
but it's worrying me that he's still banging on about her 3 years after they've broken up and they haven't had much contact at all up to now.
Also, he's told me that i'm the first person he's had feelings for since his ex. but surely if that's the case he'd have let her go out of his head by now and concentrate on me?!
he's never directly compared me to her but just little things such as buying me perfume he once told me was his ex's favourite (i think he forgot he told me this).
It's very disheartening cos i think i'm really begining to fall for him and i don't want to get hurt if she happens to click her fingers and he runs back to her...

LegacyUser

To be honest, No! guys are different to girls, girls seem to go full steam into a relationship, they want everything, and they want it all now, they give out about guys cuz there reluctant to comit, but thats cuz when they do they really mean it, and when she breaks up with him, she easily hops along to another guy and starts again, where the guy is left heartbroken,
and it never goes away, everyone remembers there first time, and for a guy, its when he has experienced giving his repressed from childhood emotions, that he has no idea what they are or how to control them and all of a sudden hes left gutted. that kinda pain never goes away, but, it does get replaced, if your current boyfriend is telling you about his ex, its because he is starting to open up to a girl for the first time since hes been hurt, dont take it personally, and stop getting jealous, cuz thats what this really boils down to, your jealous of his ex.

they broke up, there not going to get back together, if you really like this guy, be the girl he'll fall in love with, but dont forget, his experinced heartache, hes gonna be reluctant to let it happen again, once bitten, twice shy.

greengiant09

the answer is no.....men never get over their 1st love.....it's actually a scientific fact.....think i read it somewhere.

The Recliner

greengiant09 wrote: »

the answer is no.....men never get over their 1st love.....it's actually a scientific fact.....think i read it somewhere.

Greengiant09 banned

mbren

Personally speaking, I have never gotten over my first true love. It has been off for years now and I still love her to bits.

Wibbs

guest1234 wrote: »

To be honest, No! guys are different to girls, girls seem to go full steam into a relationship, they want everything, and they want it all now, they give out about guys cuz there reluctant to comit, but thats cuz when they do they really mean it, and when she breaks up with him, she easily hops along to another guy and starts again, where the guy is left heartbroken,
and it never goes away, everyone remembers there first time, and for a guy, its when he has experienced giving his repressed from childhood emotions, that he has no idea what they are or how to control them and all of a sudden hes left gutted. that kinda pain never goes away, but, it does get replaced, if your current boyfriend is telling you about his ex, its because he is starting to open up to a girl for the first time since hes been hurt, dont take it personally, and stop getting jealous, cuz thats what this really boils down to, your jealous of his ex.

they broke up, there not going to get back together, if you really like this guy, be the girl he'll fall in love with, but dont forget, his experinced heartache, hes gonna be reluctant to let it happen again, once bitten, twice shy.

Yea that's not a bad way to put it at all. For many men anyway. I would defo agree with the once bitten twice shy part.

That_Guy

From my experience I don't pine after my ex. It was difficult getting over her yeah but after a while I saw all the bad things about her and realised how horrible she actually was.

I've only eyes for my current girlfriend and I love her to bits. Some guys I know do still long after their first love but they've told me that they just don't know how to move on.

LegacyUser

guest1234 wrote: »

To be honest, No! guys are different to girls, girls seem to go full steam into a relationship, they want everything, and they want it all now, they give out about guys cuz there reluctant to comit, but thats cuz when they do they really mean it, and when she breaks up with him, she easily hops along to another guy and starts again, where the guy is left heartbroken,
and it never goes away, everyone remembers there first time, and for a guy, its when he has experienced giving his repressed from childhood emotions, that he has no idea what they are or how to control them and all of a sudden hes left gutted. that kinda pain never goes away, but, it does get replaced, if your current boyfriend is telling you about his ex, its because he is starting to open up to a girl for the first time since hes been hurt, dont take it personally, and stop getting jealous, cuz thats what this really boils down to, your jealous of his ex.

they broke up, there not going to get back together, if you really like this guy, be the girl he'll fall in love with, but dont forget, his experinced heartache, hes gonna be reluctant to let it happen again, once bitten, twice shy.

You have a point there, and i am trying hard not to come across as jealous, i think it's more a fear of getting hurt rather than jealousy on my part, we're both in our late 20's and i've had my heart broken before too so i know what it feels like and i don't particularly want to go through that ever again.... yes, we've talked about our past relationships which is to be expected and i want him to open up to me but i don't keep going on about my ex like he does, like he brings her up everytime we do something new together, i have to listen to "funny" stories of what she used to do or say etc. ...
Personally, i find it very disrespectful... but he is perfect in every other way and has told me i'm his first real relationship since her.
i feel like i have to say something cos it's eating me up, i don't want to fall for him if he's going to be pining for another woman for the duration of our relationship & get my heart broken again...
i don't want to be the typical girl and go full steam into this relationship, i just want to know where i stand! But how the hell do i do that!!!?

LegacyUser

Hey OP, my relationship started out exactly like that.

We started out very casual, he used to say little things about his ex, didn't bother me at first. Like he saw I had blue/grey eyes, said he blue/grey green eyes.. guess why, yes the ex. Little things like that.

Then we got more serious and it did bother me... After a year he still had the exs phone number in his phone, even though they weren't in contact.. Except for bumping into each other on nights out, (he was always the one eager to say hi too). He'd do things like kiss me or be inappropriate with me in front of her (I believe to make her jealous). And he never inrodued me to her..

Also the first time he said he loved me, he said "You'r only the 2nd girl I've ever said that too.." Nice second best eh

Now she's rarely if ever mentioned and phone number is deleted. I never actually confronted him, but! On a night out we were walking together and he just left me to hug her, I was standing there like a gom, so I just huffed off to my mates.. He knew then. Childish??? Maybe but he had to see how ureasonable he was being and I'm unconfrontational, he knows that.

I also think he got over her because of me. Fell in love again, and forgot all about her.

I've no advice really only don't become obsessive about it, for ages it drove me mad just thinking about her.

Like a previous poster has said, he has strong feelings for you (perhaps like he did for the ex), and is just going about it wrong in trying to express them.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Don't mean this in a philosophical way but I don't think anyone fully gets over anyone they truly love.

i feel like i have to say something cos it's eating me up, i don't want to fall for him if he's going to be pining for another woman for the duration of our relationship & get my heart broken again...

Well why not actually say it to him? - you may not like talking about exes but plenty do. I think its usually a healthy sign in a relationship when you get chatting about previous relationships. Just stay well clear of the sexual details. That stays in the past!

This kind of thing is very hard to respond to on PI. How are you generally with guys, you say you "don't want to get hurt again", do you easily become jealous in relationships or are you pretty calm?

I think its fully possible it just hasn't occurred to him that you might have a problem with him mentioning his ex. Going back to what I said earlier, maybe mention something that happened in a previous relationship to you, and ask him what he thinks, get him to open up about it. Maybe he actually just never had someone to talk to about his ex and he needs to get it out his system.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Don't mean this in a philosophical way but I don't think anyone fully gets over anyone they truly love.

Well why not actually say it to him? - you may not like talking about exes but plenty do. I think its usually a healthy sign in a relationship when you get chatting about previous relationships. Just stay well clear of the sexual details. That stays in the past!

This kind of thing is very hard to respond to on PI. How are you generally with guys, you say you "don't want to get hurt again", do you easily become jealous in relationships or are you pretty calm?
.

Well i'm generally not jealous in a relationship at all! It was the other way around in my last r/ship, my ex was obscenely jealous and constantly questioned me, checked up on my phone, emails etc. and i can't stand it! I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a jealous partner so i do not want my new BF thinking i'm like that... and i don't rush into r/ships either, this one kind of happened by accident after being single for past 2 years.
Like the other poster above, i'm not confrontational either, usually very laid back but this is the only thing that's bothering me... i suppose i just have to give it time and suss out if his feelings for me matter more than his pining for her....

Bottle_of_Smoke

aimed wrote: »

Well i'm generally not jealous in a relationship at all! It was the other way around in my last r/ship, my ex was obscenely jealous and constantly questioned me, checked up on my phone, emails etc. and i can't stand it! I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a jealous partner so i do not want my new BF thinking i'm like that... and i don't rush into r/ships either, this one kind of happened by accident after being single for past 2 years.
Like the other poster above, i'm not confrontational either, usually very laid back but this is the only thing that's bothering me... i suppose i just have to give it time and suss out if his feelings for me matter more than his pining for her....

Well then i reckon you should get into a conversation with him about her. Like when you're having a good chat. Perhaps after sex, people generally very relaxed then. You'll get a better impression of how he feels about her then. Might be just fond of her but knows its over and doesn't actually want her back