Hate being seen as shy

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am seen in work as a "nice, quiet, shy" person. With my friends who I have known for a long time, I am good fun and anything but 'shy and quiet'.
Then we had a work party and after a few drinks I am all talk and having a laugh.
One or 2 work colleagues are then saying "oh but you're so quiet. I suppose you'll go back to being quiet on Monday."
This really annoyed me. And On monday pretty much the same is repeated.
Do I not know who I really am or do I have other issues?
I was always really quiet when very young and became much more outgoing once in college.

Anyone of similar feeling?

Thanks!

LegacyUser

You've nothing to worry about, your colleagues were being a**holes.
I'm an outgoing person but at work, and work functions, I keep my head, limit my alcohol intake and don't dance on tables. I don't need to put on the "I'm mad, me" act for others.

There is a famous saying that goes 'better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're stupid than open it and remove all doubt.'
And that definitely rings true in a working environment. Don't let it bother you, if the world was full out loud, life and soul of the party types imagine how tiresome a night out would get with egos jostling to be the centre of attention!

LegacyUser

no worries wrote: »

You've nothing to worry about, your colleagues were being a**holes.
I'm an outgoing person but at work, and work functions, I keep my head, limit my alcohol intake and don't dance on tables. I don't need to put on the "I'm mad, me" act for others.

There is a famous saying that goes 'better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're stupid than open it and remove all doubt.'
And that definitely rings true in a working environment. Don't let it bother you, if the world was full out loud, life and soul of the party types imagine how tiresome a night out would get with egos jostling to be the centre of attention!

Well, I genuinely dont think they are being a**holes. It's just the way they are. Think more so that they cannot figure me out, which makes me annoyed with myself. Am I quiet or loud or what. It's like - what is this person!

When I meet new people out as well I get on really well and am very friendly. But if I meet them again in a day or 2, they find me less friendly and much more introvert.

Sleepeee

OP I think you are being hard on yourself. People put on different personas when they are at work and for very good reason.

You even say yourself that you are the 'nice quiet person'. To me that means everybody likes you, you have good integrity and people more than likely trust you. More power to you that you can maintain a professional attitude in work.

I personally find it very indearing when a person who is shy and quiet in work can reveal themselves a little bit on a work night out. And going back to being shy again that is cool coz that is you. If shyness comes naturally to you then don't change it. Everyone at work likes you the way you are.

I think you just need to make the decision that this is how you act in work and run with it. As contradictory as it sounds, be confident that your 'quiet' attitude is the attitude you protray yourself in work.

For all you know your boss is a drug taking cross dressing sex fiend, who knows! It's an intelligent skill to be able to control how much people you work with find out about you.

james.xix

usernameshy1 wrote: »

Hi,
I am seen in work as a "nice, quiet, shy" person. With my friends who I have known for a long time, I am good fun and anything but 'shy and quiet'.
Then we had a work party and after a few drinks I am all talk and having a laugh.
One or 2 work colleagues are then saying "oh but you're so quiet. I suppose you'll go back to being quiet on Monday."
This really annoyed me. And On monday pretty much the same is repeated.
Do I not know who I really am or do I have other issues?
I was always really quiet when very young and became much more outgoing once in college.

Anyone of similar feeling?

Thanks!

There's nothing wrong with being quiet but I don't think you are.
I could be seen as not so different but I wouldn't get too bothered.

What you need is something to stand out that starts conversations or somehting, then people will look to you more to discuss at least a different or particular subject and you can work from there.

Some people like to label you has quiet, you have to shrug that off. Oneupmanship is very common amongst lads, if they perceived you as quiet and someone passed that comment, they were being a bit of a something really and trying to put yourself down.

Fight fire with fire and play then and their own game and better.

mconigol

I don't think people recognise the difference between being quite and being shy, they're not the same thing in my opinion...i'm quite in general but i wouldn't regard myself as shy even though that's probably how some people would probably describe me, it's not as if i'm afraid of people or anything just not interested in wearin the ear off every second person i meet!...my opinion OP is just ignore it, try to better understand who you are as a person, do that and you become more comfortable with yourself and what others think will bothers you a lot less...although you can still feel like clobering them sometimes...failing that start telling people that they talk too much...90% (and that's being generous) of what so called outgoing people talk about is pure sh*te anyway

LegacyUser

OP=me

I am exaclty the same, its so weird and I dont know why it happens with some people/groups and not with others.

With mu college and home friends and work friends I am the mad one, cracking jokes, always up for the laughs and also get on with everyone and no problems at all.

But when I am with this society I joined in the last 6 months I just cant seem to come out of my shell as they say. I dont just chat naturally to those people, feel awkward and watch what I say. It wreckes my head cos I know they all think either I am reserved (NO!) or just shy (NO!) or heaven forbid snobby (defo not). And like the OP when I go out with them and get drunk and have the craic they are like 'ah, its always the quite ones!'. And Im thinking 'me? quiet?'.

They say that its a bad thing to have different personalities with different people, that lack of consistency is a bad thing. For me, I think its almost too late now to start jabbering away like is my normal way with them. They would think the shy girl has gone cuckoo!

Eve_Dublin

Sleepeee wrote: »

OP I think you are being hard on yourself. People put on different personas when they are at work and for very good reason.

You even say yourself that you are the 'nice quiet person'. To me that means everybody likes you, you have good integrity and people more than likely trust you. More power to you that you can maintain a professional attitude in work.

I personally find it very indearing when a person who is shy and quiet in work can reveal themselves a little bit on a work night out. And going back to being shy again that is cool coz that is you. If shyness comes naturally to you then don't change it. Everyone at work likes you the way you are.

I think you just need to make the decision that this is how you act in work and run with it. As contradictory as it sounds, be confident that your 'quiet' attitude is the attitude you protray yourself in work.

For all you know your boss is a drug taking cross dressing sex fiend, who knows! It's an intelligent skill to be able to control how much people you work with find out about you.

Good advice. I like that ^^You are what you are OP and there´s few people who are consistant in their personality with every single person they meet.

OP, just to add, some people tend to say things like this to take the heat off themselves. It´s an insecurity on their part...perhaps they´re not completely comfortable in social situations themselves or can see some of themselves in you (in that they´ve been shy in the past with certain groups) and comment on it so no one will notice them.

Take no notice of those kinds of comments. It´s no reflection on you. People are generally more subdued at work because that´s what´s expected of you. If you let these comments get to you, you´ll be even more self-concious and you won´t be yourself. Try to ignore it. Tenner bets most of us have been labelled quiet among certain groups.

marxcoo

There's nothing wrong with being a bit quiet and shy at all. I'm pretty much the same as you in so far as I am very quiet around people I don't know very well but once I get to know people and am comfortable around them I am pretty outgoing. Not everyone can be the life and soul of the party and to be honest some people who think they are the life and soul of the party are some of the most annoying people you meet.
I don't think people dislike people for being shy, and the more they get to know you and realise what you are truly like they will appreciate you more for it.

LegacyUser

OP, I was very similar to you for a long time. Among my own friends I was really 'out there', always the mad one... but in some social groups e.g work I would clam up completely. Just couldn't get it together at all. And sometimes it would drive me nuts because I knew that outside these situation, I would be natural, easy friends with these people I'd clam up with in work (or college etc.)

This continued until I was about 30. As I got older I became a more 'integrated' personality - I'm never as hyper or mad as I used to me, but I also never get paralysed with shyness and I'm a smooth operator!

I wouldn't worry about the colleagues. I don't think they were giving you a dig - They made an honest observation - So what? You are what you are: complex. It keeps things interesting ;-)

LegacyUser

marxcoo wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with being a bit quiet and shy at all. I'm pretty much the same as you in so far as I am very quiet around people I don't know very well but once I get to know people and am comfortable around them I am pretty outgoing. Not everyone can be the life and soul of the party and to be honest some people who think they are the life and soul of the party are some of the most annoying people you meet.
I don't think people dislike people for being shy, and the more they get to know you and realise what you are truly like they will appreciate you more for it.

Yes. This is it. Once I get to know people well then I act like myself. Like I do with my own friends. I feel uncomfortable meeting new people and hate the thought of work socials or events such as weddings.
How can I become more open and relax more with these issues?

Thanks!

crazyy

yeah im the exact same as OP and 'moi aussi'!. always the shy quiet one at school, not good in big groups unless ive had a few drinks. With people i know pretty well im well able to talk and be myself but in groups i tend to listen rather than talk and am perceived as quiet except at parties etc when drunk. Not the way to be though as i need to remember i can be myself without alcohol, it just seems to be harder. My close friends notice that when im in groups im a lot quieter, and annoyingly point it out but I dont know why Im quieter, and cant seem to just relax and be me.

LegacyUser

Hi again, OP here.
Its been the same now again today! People talking about xmas party and how I was the messer and to watch out for the quiet ones!! This p1sses me off! And then I go and retreat back into my shell for the rest of the day. And I just don't want to be here. I'm just tensing up inside myself and getting even more anxious and quiet.
Sucks!

maidie

Hi Op,

Funny I always thought I was the only one who felt like that but glad to see its pretty common. I had a job for 3 years where I was always the messer and quite outgoing, then decided to change and worked elsewhere for another 3 years where I feel I never let my guard down, I felt colleagues couldn't figure me out for some reason, I was always friendly but never got to the stage where I joined into conversations etc without been asked for my opinion. I don't know why this happened as i was happy in the job and also in my personal life. I also liked my colleagues but they all worked in a different department which hindered opportunities I suppose. When I left I got loads of good wishes and a great send off including night out with great turnout so it appears that although I was quite I was also more popular than I had imagined.

In a new job now for the past number of months and I suppose I am 50% reserved and shy and 50% Messer and confident depending on who my colleagues are on a particular day... I am working on building up my confidence to be my own usual self with everyone the same as I am with my family and friends... The main thing is once you are happy in your own skin you shouldn't have to fit in with anyone elses expectations and I do agree snide comments come from people who have no cop on!

Polar Girl

I think you don't need to worry at all about this. I am shy also and very quiet until I have known someone for ages. I also tend to go too mad on work nights out and get too drunk. But I don't think that people are thinking negatively about you at all. They have no reason to.

I remember a few weeks after I started working where I am now one guy said to me in front of everyone at the breakfast table " Do you actually speak". I was so upset by this as it was a big issue at the time. But he was an ass. You will always get people like that who suss out your weak points and use it to try to be funny/make themselves feel better.

If I was you I would be happy in the knowledge that you are respected and liked and you let go a little on a night out. I think people saying things like "oh it's always the quiet ones" are only saying it for something to say and probably have no idea that it bothers you.

Polar Girl

Also meant to add that being seen as nice and quiet is a lot better than being seen as loud and annoying!

wylo

OP, your worrying way too much about what other people think of you. You need to start training yourself to not care, because the truth is, they dont actually care, they are all immersed in their own thoughts that they dont care whether you are loud or quiet. Someone probably made that comment and never thought about you again for the rest of the day.
So what your quiet in front of some people,maybe once you start accepting that fact you might actually start being more chatty.

Try and keep reminding yourself that they dont care what you say, or what you dont say.

I used be a bit like you, a bit quiet and worried that people thought I was quiet. Now im still kinda quiet but dont care one bit. I dont even feel awkward silences anymore really because I know well that they are thinking about themselves not me. This has allowed me to relax and actually have the reverse effect, as a result I find I can chat to strangers no problem, but again, I dont care if im not chatting to them.

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

OP, your worrying way too much about what other people think of you. You need to start training yourself to not care, because the truth is, they dont actually care, they are all immersed in their own thoughts that they dont care whether you are loud or quiet. Someone probably made that comment and never thought about you again for the rest of the day.
So what your quiet in front of some people,maybe once you start accepting that fact you might actually start being more chatty.

Try and keep reminding yourself that they dont care what you say, or what you dont say.

I used be a bit like you, a bit quiet and worried that people thought I was quiet. Now im still kinda quiet but dont care one bit. I dont even feel awkward silences anymore really because I know well that they are thinking about themselves not me. This has allowed me to relax and actually have the reverse effect, as a result I find I can chat to strangers no problem, but again, I dont care if im not chatting to them.

Hi all,
OP again.
I hate the thought of having to go back to work after the hols. Dreading it. I was really sick of the people around me before xmas and got quite annoyed and became even quieter. All those around me are so chatty and all get on very well together. I just don't seem to fit in.
My new yr aim is to become super confident and not to feel the way I do. Would appreciate any advice.
Thanks!

LegacyUser

Five words op:Empty vessels make most noise. :-)