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Just read BF's email from ex girlfriend
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06-12-2009 11:39pm#1
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Hmm. I don't really agree with the other responses posted here. I don't think you've got any reason to be jumping to the worst conclusions. From what you've said the mails don't necessarily imply that he still has feelings for his ex or there is anything going on with the other girl.
However, it would have been better if he had discussed his plans to meet his ex with you, especially since there had been issues in the past. The fact that he didn't would bother me, although it's at least somewhat understandable if he thinks you're sensitive about it.
So I don't know about whether "alarm bells" should be ringing. But I do agree that you need to talk this out. If your relationship is strong enough that you think you'll be together for the long haul, then you should be able to successfully resolve this without resorting to extreme measures such as breaking up or trying to throw a spanner in his Christmas plans!
This is a really shameful thing to have to confess to, but I'm actually someone with a fair amount of experience confessing snooping to my partners (I am really not proud of this but it's a fact
...). I feel there are good and bad ways to approach it. The following has generally worked for me... (Yes, I know this sounds awful, and I'm not in any way condoning the snooping, but I do understand very well the urge to do it... )
Pick your moment. You know him so you'll probably know when a delicate conversation like this is likely to turn into an argument and when it's likely to flow smoothly. Bring it up gently. Say that you've done something you're really not proud of and he's got every right to be angry and you feel terrible, but that now it's done you really feel you need to talk to him about it. Then just say what you saw, explain what's worrying you, and see what he has to say.
Then listen to him. Consider his responses before answering. Don't fight back. Let him talk. It's important to go into it determined to avoid getting defensive and angry. You need to be prepared to take any criticism he might want to throw at you about your peeking, because regardless of what he may or may not have done, the fact is that you have definitely messed up. Take the criticism on the chin. I've actually gone into these conversations really frightened, and fully prepared for the worst -- to be dumped over my actions. That resolve helps. Taking full responsibility for your own actions in that way is quite a liberating thing. I think that sincerity tends to come across too, and encourages the other person to be understanding where they might have been confrontational.
However, it's also important to not let your mistake be used as a weapon for him to avoid giving any answers. As in: "you invaded my privacy why should I tell you anything?!" Yes, he would have a point. But from a practical point of view, this response does not constitute a successful outcome to the conversation... If he tries this, keep calm. Let him know that you agree he's got every right to feel that way and that you know you have screwed up. Let him know that you understand it is not your place to know everything about his private life, and that if he wants to not talk to you about it then that is his right. But you can say that you're asking anyway, even though you know you haven't got a leg to stand on, because although you shouldn't have looked, the fact is that you did, and you feel that asking him outright in the spirit of good communication is better than letting it fester.
... That's the way I would approach it anyway.
Good luck.0 -
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