"The Second Time"

RopeDrink

*Note: Contains coarse language and mild violence*

It's been many years since I wrote anything - I guess I needed a bit of inspiration. I've lately started playing a certain game (In my signiature) and met many people through it. Considering it's an MMORPG, some of the folks opted to flesh out their characters by writing some passages about them, some of which have blown into full-sized intertwined stories - Considering we're all in the same clan, intertwining the stories has added a nice inspiring edge to it as people started collaborating their efforts.

Anyhow, I was bored enough last night to sit down and just... Write something. As said on the related page, it may not be a good read, but it's a read nonetheless.

The characters (bar one) are wholly my own though there's not a lot of development with them and considering the setting is based inside said game, people may not understand some references made - Just know the words "Dead Frontier" and you may guess what is to be expected.

Below piece is a mere hasty, ill-thought out introductionary piece to my character as an experiment to see how the folks take to it. It is just that, introductionary, so it abruptly ends.

I'm curious to know what people think of it, however, even though I've no intention to return to, or improve apon, my poor writing skills outside of the occasional random flurry of words now and then. Anyways, enough talk.

You'll have to forgive the poor format of the below post - It translated into a more readable manner on the other website so it may come across as a bit garbled on this one.

pickarooney

I only have time to review part of this. I might get around to the rest later.
On a general note, it's rather overwritten, with what should be straightforward descriptions stretched out for sentences. There are an awful lot of misused words throughout also.

RopeDrink wrote: »

"Sit down, Sir."
Soft spoken words, piercing through the drone of ringing phones and radio chatter,

'Pierce' is usually associated with high-pitched, shrill voices. Conversely 'drone' is more the noise of a low, humming, like a phone on vibrate but not a ringing phone.

patiently parted from the lips of a steadfast woman standing rigid behind a desk

Words are usually considered inanimate and thus cannot have human attributes such as patience. You could say 'patiently imparted' and thereby change the roles of the words in the sentence so it works.

Any particular reason the woman is standing behind her desk?

- The tone was a direct contrast to that of it'sits intended recipient on the other side, leaning within three inches of her face.

You can't really receive a tone. You can receive a message delivered in a tone.

"WHAT IS WITH YOU ****ING PEOPLE?"
Anger and frustration spliced with desperation, emitting from the twisted, bloodied mouth of a middle aged man, red-faced with rage and rampantly contorting with the effort of restraining himself from punching the very same desk.

'emitting' is not right here. It's bitransitive and needs a subject, i.e. something can not 'emit' on its own, it must 'be emitted'. Something can 'emanate' on its own. 'Emanate' is a little long, flowery and vague though. 'Stream' or 'pour' might work better.

The woman calmly continued to sift through the throng of paperwork lining her workspace, seemingly disinterested in the display in[]front of her

'throng' sounds really strange to me, although technically it can be used for inanimate objects.

- She was honed to tolerate such behaviour,

Honed = sharpened. Use any synonym of 'trained' instead.

though enduring a cold ten minutes of a random unknown, venemously throwing acts of anger within close proximity, hadn't really helped her hold on to the last remaining grains of care for the situation.

'Cold' seems out of place, given the man's evident anger. I'm not sure you can throw an act and 'within' doesn't fit with 'proximity'. It's either 'in proximity' or 'within X feet/metres'. The sentence is overwritten, particularly the end.

"Sit down, Sir... Please."
Almost monotone, as if programmed by the brain to self-speak at set intervals whilst the body is trying to operate other tasks

What is the subject here? What is 'programmed by the brain' - is it the woman, her mouth... ?

- The woman hadn't lifted her eyes off the desk for the entirety of his presence,

'The entirety of his speech' or 'the duration of his presence' at a pinch.

further cementing his frustration and impatience,

I think 'cementing' works better with something permanent, such as a belief.

his fists now sporadically clenching and unclenching, screaming for the anger to be released through them out of want of attention.

Car alarms where wailing through the nearby window along with the distinct sound of sirens - A high pitched duet, sister kin to the room these noises where invading, dancing and mingling with the inner sound of multiple voices and their barely audible conversations being held within the brightly lit office, almost cut off by the continuous piercing drone of nearby desk-phones. The woman finally looked up to soak in her surroundings with an unheard sigh escaping her lips. Blurry figures milled about the room, rows of others lined the wall, fidgeting in seats or stood leaning for support - Those passing by would flit a glance in her direction - The sitting where staring.



Footsteps... Voices... Phones... Noise... All just constant, shrieking, unavoidable noise...

*THUMP*

The woman snapped her vision dead ahead, eyes reajusting to reality within a blink and locking on to those of the owner of the fist planted on her desk, drowning out her surroundings, enough to pick up the sound of gritting teeth and fleeting sheets of paper sprawling to the floor.

You could snap a gaze but not really your visiion. All you can really do with vision is adjust it. 'Sprawling' is lying in a heap whereas the paper is in motion. 'Fleeting' refers to temporary things, such as moments or memories.

I'll need to read the rest before giving you global feedback (i.e. the positive stuff as opposed to the technical nitty-gritty).