Harry Potter: Replacing 'wand' with 'willy'

The Volt · 05-12-2009 2:38pm #1

It turns out replacing "wand" with "willy" makes harry potter a lot more entertaining:

"Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his willy hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent."

A magic willy... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first willy. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice willy for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany willy. Eleven inches. "

"... Today's will be a practical lesson. You will only need your willies."

"Don't put your willy there, boy!" roared Moody."

"Both Sirius and Snape lowered their willies... the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses... "But what's going on?" asked Mr. Weasley. "Nothing, Arthur," said Sirius, who was breathing heavily as though he had just run ...a long distance."

"Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?" said Snape smoothly. "Willy out, Potter."

Draco whipped out his willy, but Harry was prepared and his willy was in his hand before draco could react....

"He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking toward the door with their willies pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them..."

"Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, willies raised..."

"Are you OK?" said Harry urgently.
"My willy," said Ron. "Look at my willy."
It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on only by a few splinters

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's willy, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

"Come on Harry, whack your willy out." said Hermoine.

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's willy had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

"Lupin drew his willy so fast that Harry had barely the chance to reach for his own"

"It's time you learned the difference between life and dreams Potter," said Malfoy. "Now give me the prophecy, or we start using willies." "Go, on then," said Harry, raising his own willy to chest height. As he did so, the five willies of Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny and Luna rose to either side of him.

He bent down and pulled his willy out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his willy, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his willy, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his willy at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

"Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry's willy?"

"Your authority!" she sneered, attempting to wrench her hand from his grasp. "You lost your authority when you lost your willy, Lucious!"

"Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this." said Hermione, raising her willy.

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his willy very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his willy.

"Then he whirled his willy at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them."

Then, with a sigh, he raised his willy and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

"Yes, very handsome. And is it working well? I always think willies require a little breaking in, don't you?"

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised willy.

Harry hurried along it, stumbling now and then on the uneven floor, holding his willy out in front of him.

"There will be no foolish willy-waving or silly incantations in this class!"

"What's got your willy in a knot?"

"Just because you can use magic now does not mean you have to whip your willies out for everything!"

"No," said Voldemort. "I have peformed my usual magic. I am extraordinary. But this willy... no. It has not revealed the wonders it has promised. I feel no difference between this willy and the willy I procured from ollivander all those years ago."

"...did things with a willy I've never seen before..."

"But if my willy was so powerful, how come Hermione was able to break it?"

Harry took the willy. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the willy above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.

"Harry looked down at his own Willy. He could see finger marks all over it..."

"Stand back." said Lockhart, who was rolling up his jade-green sleeves. "No-don't-" said Harry weakly, but Lockhart was twirling his willy and a second later had directed it harry's at arm.

He looked down at his willy, which he was still clutching in his hand.

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me willy in half an' everything."

"Don't put away your willy, Harry. They might come back."