Freaked out cos she is not on the pill...

violetdream

hi, i met this girl a few weeks ago...we have had sex a few times...i ALWAYS use a condom....she told me the other day she does'nt take the pill....i am not comfortable with this as it is a bit risky and she is in her late 30's and im younger so i am suspicious i am the 'last chance' and she maybe wants a kid.......

should i give an ultimatum for her to take the pill or is it way out of line to do so?.....any advice appreciated....

i have told her i don't want marriage or kids....

CeNedra

I think its way out of line to tell somebody to go on the pill. There are many reasons why somebody is not on the pill, health reasons are one of them. You cannot make her do this. YOu need to talk to her, tell her you are worried and discuss other options. You sound like you don't trust her, and if that is the case maybe you should finish it.

violetdream

thanks for the advice....i only met her 3 weeks ago, which is way to early for me to trust anybody.....

Overheal

violetdream wrote: »

thanks for the advice....i only met her 3 weeks ago, which is way to early for me to trust anybody.....

Lol.... and yet nobody seems to think 3 weeks is too early for Sex :rolleyes:

kittenkiller

You could *try* demanding she goes on the pill or risk losing you.
But then you could also couple the condom usage with the withdrawal method and be equally effective.

If you do decide to go and demand that this woman changes her lifestyle and hormonal balance because you don't trust condoms I'd brace yourself for a swift slap upside the head and to return to singledom!

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you put the johnny on right and pull out before you ejaculate pregnancy is very very unlikely.

SarahSassy

What makes you think she would want a kid with you? If she had been trying to catch you out, she would have told you she IS on the pill.... Think about it.

violetdream

good point sarahsassy.....thank you for the honest feedback.....just never been with a girl not on the pill before and wanted a second opinion about it (mainly from the girls)....thanks....

Nevyn

Is she using any other contraceptive methods at all?

While constant and effective condom use can prevent pregnancy to a high precentage
a 10% to 18% chance of a pregnancy occuring is too much of a chance for most people.

violetdream

i don't think so.....ye those percentages echo through my head (one with brain) at the point of climax :pac::pac:.....like a munchkin chant....

ash23

Thaedydal wrote: »

While constant and effective condom use can prevent pregnancy to a high precentage
a 10% to 18% chance of a pregnancy occuring is too much of a chance for most people.

If condoms are used correctly then they are 99% effective.http://www.thinkcontraception.ie/contraception_condom.asp

I don't take the pill. I'm single so I use condoms and I also track my cycle. That very small risk of pregnancy is not worth the risk of mood swings, blood clots, weight gain and depression that the pill tends to bring to my doorstep and tbh, if any bloke gave me an ultimatum after three weeks of the pill or him finishing with me, I wouldn't be running to the nearest GP. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

I think it's very odd that you assume a woman that isn't taking the contraceptive pill bit IS using another method of contraception, is desperate to marry you and have your children! Even though she's only known you for 3 weeks. Not every woman in her 30s is marriage and pregnancy obsessed.

There are many reasons someone might not want to take the pill, there are health risks associated with it. Some women just have a bad reaction to it or don't like the idea of it. You have no right to go telling her she has to take it.

Of you use condoms correctly they are very effective. They have always worked for me. But if you really aren't comfortable using just one method of contraception talked her about it sensible, don't go giving out ultimatums.

Darthhoob

pill isn't for everyone. in fact i personally know more women who cannot take it (or chose not to because of the side effects) due to massive health risks. i myself cannot go on it due to risk of heart failure, blood clots, weight gain, stroke...etc
NO shag is worth that LOL

she IS using contraception, ok she isn't doubling it but then tbh not everyone does. i very much doubt she is trying to trap you :rolleyes:

there other methods of cntraception she could try..but tbh there isn't any out there that you can demand her to do...i myself have chosen the best contraception which is getting my OH neutered (or me if i have a c section this time )

Chinafoot

violetdream wrote: »

i don't think so.....ye those percentages echo through my head (one with brain) at the point of climax :pac::pac:.....like a munchkin chant....

And even if she was on the pill there is still no 100% guarantee that pregnancy won't happen. These are the risks you take when you decide to have sex.

As had been said, use the condoms properly and if it'll make you feel better, withdraw before climaxing. Do not even attempt to tell this woman you've known for three weeks that you want her to go on the pill. Huge difference between putting on a piece of latex on your knob during the act and pumping your body full of side-effect inducing hormones for 3 weeks out of every month.

violetdream

lala13 wrote: »

I think it's very odd that you assume a woman that isn't taking the contraceptive pill bit IS using another method of contraception, is desperate to marry you and have your children! Even though she's only known you for 3 weeks. Not every woman in her 30s is marriage and pregnancy obsessed.

There are many reasons someone might not want to take the pill, there are health risks associated with it. Some women just have a bad reaction to it or don't like the idea of it. You have no right to go telling her she has to take it.

Of you use condoms correctly they are very effective. They have always worked for me. But if you really aren't comfortable using just one method of contraception talked her about it sensible, don't go giving out ultimatums.

most women in their mid - late thirties i know are racked with fear of not finding the one....tick tock tick tock= reality. she was way too relaxed the other day and very eager to get going without a condom....ive been with enough girls to know that this is alarm bell stuff....especially when she said she wants kids and is freaked about her age.....said she loved me within a week....and tells me that this the most romantic time in her whole life.....and i am 'the one'.....too much ...i will be checking out very soon....to be fair to me and her.....thanks for advice...

Wibbs

Well to be fair that's a bit different. She tells you she loves you within the week, that you're the "one", she wants kids and is a bit too easy going regarding contraception? Eh yes, then I would be concerned too. And gone pretty fast if I wasnt feeling the same way. Hell even if I was I am very dubious of anyone saying you're the one and I love you within a week.

Nevyn

ash23 wrote: »

If condoms are used correctly then they are 99% effective.http://www.thinkcontraception.ie/contraception_condom.asp

I don't take the pill. I'm single so I use condoms and I also track my cycle. That very small risk of pregnancy is not worth the risk of mood swings, blood clots, weight gain and depression that the pill tends to bring to my doorstep and tbh, if any bloke gave me an ultimatum after three weeks of the pill or him finishing with me, I wouldn't be running to the nearest GP. :rolleyes:

Pregnancy rates (first year, latex)
Perfect use 2%
Typical use 10–18%

Prefect use is ideal conditions and knowing how to follow all the proceedures exactly every time. Yes it's possible but people in general will make the effort or have the know how.

If they are your only method of contraception and you are rigorous about using best practice with them then it can be gotten down to a very low chance of pregnancy occurring but accidents and slip ups happen and again for some people that is too much of a risk.

LegacyUser

violetdream wrote: »

most women in their mid - late thirties i know are racked with fear of not finding the one....tick tock tick tock= reality. she was way too relaxed the other day and very eager to get going without a condom....ive been with enough girls to know that this is alarm bell stuff....especially when she said she wants kids and is freaked about her age.....said she loved me within a week....and tells me that this the most romantic time in her whole life.....and i am 'the one'.....too much ...i will be checking out very soon....to be fair to me and her.....thanks for advice...

Ok well know you are talking about something completely different. You failed to mention in your original post that the woman seems to be a bit of a nutter.

If I was you would break up with her for being so full on at such an early stage. The contraceptive pill is a minor issue.

magneticimpulse

im sorry but im single and nearly 29. this is the 1st time ive continued to take the pill while being single. why should we stay on the pill if we are not in a relationship? is there some law that we must always take it? do you wear a condom every single day? i dont think so, so i dont see why we should take the pill?

i agree, the pill gives you mood swings, etc. and for many reasons women dont take it if they are not in a relationship. i think OP you sound very inmature. the previous women you were with were prob only on the pill because they sleep around alot. maybe this girl hasnt needed to use any contraception.

shock horror i dont even have condoms. but i know i dont need them, because im not having sex.

i dont think OP girls wants to get pregnent. i dont think its her last chance either. i think she mentioned those things because she might actually want a serious relationship rather than one night stand. is that such a wrong thing to want??

there was a thread last week about a 22 year old who lied about his age to a 29 yr old. she dumped him over it. i wonder why? i read this thread and it reminds me, women our age are not ageist. we have just been where you have been sunshine and we want more than series of one night stands.

Wibbs

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i think OP you sound very inmature.

Why? He just seems concerned about possible pregnancy. While I agree that she shouldnt be on the pill if she doesn't want to be, playing the immature card seems a tad strong.

the previous women you were with were prob only on the pill because they sleep around alot.

Bit of an assumption, don't you think?

im sorry but im single and nearly 29

29 is a bit different to 39 especially if a woman wants to start a family. A huge difference for simple biological reasons.

i dont think OP girls wants to get pregnent.

Again a blanket statement. I've known a few who dont want kids at all, but far more who do(within a relationship for the vast majority) and I've even known a few that have had "accidents" in their 30's where they had no such problems in their roaring 20's. They admitted it after the fact too. It can happen.

i dont think its her last chance either. i think she mentioned those things because she might actually want a serious relationship rather than one night stand. is that such a wrong thing to want??

Have you read what she told him?

violetdream wrote: »

she was way too relaxed the other day and very eager to get going without a condom

When the blood is up that can happen.

she said she wants kids and is freaked about her age.....

Add this into the mix? She says she wants children. She said her age freaks her.

said she loved me within a week...

Hello red flag.

.and tells me that this the most romantic time in her whole life.....and i am 'the one'.

And yet another.

If the OP is accurate in what she said and how she has acted, well then it would seem logical enough for him to be somewhat concerned. Hell, in those circumstances I would be gone so fast her head would spin.

magneticimpulse

yes i do think OP is less mature then the woman he is seeing. the fact he says she is in her 30s suggests so. why is he even dating her? its cleary not the type of relationship he wants. yes women in their 30s most likely want serious relationship and settle down. why does that come as a suprise to you? but equally 20 year olds have babies too.

shock horror, women of any age can get pregnant from 10 years old to 55.

i was never on the pill when i was with any of my previous boyfriends at the beginning. yes i want kids....but not straight away. the pill makes me moody and i know this. so i avoid it as much as possible. i dont have sex if i am not in a relationship and therefore dont have any protection. its my choice. from past experience, i dont like to buy condoms from men. one size does not fit all!! i know as ive a friend who works in durex and they make different size condoms for different countries. asia have extra small, africa, norway extra large than what you would find in ireland. i had an experience where my ex condom fell off because it was too big and not the right size.

by the time it takes to see a doctor and make an appointment, it can be 1 month or 2 before she starts taking the pill. youve only been having sex 3 weeks. she needs to wait to start a cycle. plus if her period is due soon, she will have to wait to see GP. Getting the pill is not as quick as buying condoms.

GismoBaby

god! how out of line is this conversation getting!

the guy is clearly worried that hes not doing enought to ensure she doesnt get pregant and he can do no more bar not ever having sex with her again! its just as much her responsibility to keep herself safe.

ok he hasnt said THE most inappropriate things about her wanting kids and trying to trap him but read between the lines, who wants to be strapped down with kids they didnt plan? and before everyone gets all righteous... i have two! i wish my first boyfriend had been as conscious about protection as this guy is being. ya hes a bit OTT but id prefere that to not being in the slightest bit proactive about safety.

op talk to her. there are other options... loads of them... tell her how you feel and that you would feel safer if she also took steps to keep you both safe. just dont say anything about your fear that shes trying to trap you!

Wibbs

magneticimpulse wrote: »

yes i do think OP is less mature then the woman he is seeing. the fact he says she is in her 30s suggests so. why is he even dating her? its cleary not the type of relationship he wants. yes women in their 30s most likely want serious relationship and settle down. why does that come as a suprise to you?

Eh Something is getting lost in translation here.

The OP's current girlfriend has told him she is freaked about her age, she wants children, she has been lax with wanting to use condoms on occasion , she told him she loved him and that he was the "One" within a week. Eh hello? That's more than a few red flags there. Seriously, this does not add up to alarm bells for you? Anyone who comes out with that guff this early in as to have at least some issues. Certainly more than a 30 odd year old person should have anyway.

magneticimpulse

yeah then maybe he should go out with 18 year olds if he that freaked out. im sorry but a lot of women in their 30s want to start a family. i put my hand up and say i would be honest too. whats wrong with be honest if she feels that way if she likes him?? im sure it wasnt all in one sentence. like i said, if OP doesnt like the idea of having a family then why date women in their 30s. stick to people more your age.

Wibbs

After one week? Someone who comes out with the "one" and I love you stuff after one week, IMHO is emotionally immature. Trusting what could be the most important relationship in your life to a whim, and a hint of desperation seems a bit daft. This goes double without the other person saying the same. And with all the other stuff? This has nada to do with her age either. If she was 22 I'd be advising him the same and not dissimilar to you actually. Break up with her as you're not on the same page and frankly she would worry me anyway.

SarahSassy

violetdream wrote: »

she was way too relaxed the other day and very eager to get going without a condom....ive been with enough girls to know that this is alarm bell stuff....especially when she said she wants kids and is freaked about her age.....said she loved me within a week....and tells me that this the most romantic time in her whole life.....and i am 'the one'.....too much ...i will be checking out very soon....to be fair to me and her.....thanks for advice...

Well this is an entirely different ball game and I would be making sure I kept myself covered if I were you. One important question - why are you with her?

kittenkiller

magneticimpulse wrote: »

this is the 1st time ive continued to take the pill while being single...

...the previous women you were with were prob only on the pill because they sleep around alot....

...shock horror i dont even have condoms. but i know i dont need them, because im not having sex.

...i dont like to buy condoms from men.

Right, so by your own theory you're the sleeping around type, but you don't have condoms so you're also the riddled with everything going type, but at least you're not getting pregnant any time soon.
Best off I think.

Why the fact you don't like buying condoms from men needs to be mentioned is beyond me.

But it is nice to know that you feel that if a guy doesn't want children right away he should completely avoid seeing any woman in her 30's.
I'll pop that in my life lessons diary asap.

magneticimpulse

theres no "rules" to relationships is what im trying to point out. yeah people might think its extremely early to say those things. But I think its all over reacting. If the OP doesnt like it, then its very easy to find someone else. Maybe she was making a joke of it? In a light hearted way? Maybe OP took something out of context which was meant to be a joke. Who knows. But if she said she wants kids, thinks he is the one, and he not happy. Then they are not suited. Its not for us to judge what the other woman is thinking because she cannot put forward her point her. I joked about it when I met my ex, that he was the one. Maybe not in 1 week, but about a month later. I still think he was the one. But people are so syptical that they think how do you know! I just knew I would have been happy with him.

As for contraception, I was making the point, some people are not on contraception all the time for various reasons which are their own. I only stayed on the pill because i was having boyfriend, no boyfriend, boyfriend. The going on coming off, did me no good. Now i want to see if the pill does make me moody. There is a whole thread on the pill and why women dont take it and why they try other forms of contraception. Did OP even bothered to ask is there a reason why his girlfriend is not on the pill? Maybe there are other forms of contraception. The pill is not the only form.

magneticimpulse

kittenkiller wrote: »

Right, so by your own theory you're the sleeping around type, but you don't have condoms so you're also the riddled with everything going type, but at least you're not getting pregnant any time soon.
Best off I think.

Why the fact you don't like buying condoms from men needs to be mentioned is beyond me.

But it is nice to know that you feel that if a guy doesn't want children right away he should completely avoid seeing any woman in her 30's.
I'll pop that in my life lessons diary asap.

My point i was trying to make, is that different forms of contraception suit different types of people. Ie the pill might be great for most women, but doesnt suit everyone. Its up to the woman to decide which works best for her.

My other point, is that my ex was freaked out that I did not have condoms in my place all the time. But I was dating him and not sleeping with any body else. He suggested...yeah but you should have them just in case you do have sex with someone else. For me, I think it works out better if men choose what sort of condom suits them best. I might come across as irresponsible not having condoms, but like i said, i used to have them, but they were wrong size, fit for my partner at the time. And it fell off which was really embarrasing for him. Condoms come in all shapes and sizes. For him he might have thought i was trying to get pregnant but i wasnt. I wasnt on the pill because I was having really bad mood swings and came off it for the sake of saving our relationship. Maybe the OP girlfriend cant take it. But if it is to trap him, he should just see someone else. Depends how seriously he wants to resolve the issue or just want to rant about it.