Relationship Plateau/Coasting..

Beetlebum

Hi Guys n Gals,

Just wondering if you think relationships tend to plateau after a certain time line, say after 4 years or so?

Reason i ask is, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years with a years break in between but latley I've been feeling like we're just coasting. I love him and he loves me and we still fancy each other but I guess we're lacking a bit of zest. We don't live together, actually we're long distance but I always try to keep it s*xy and fun.

He came to stay with me a few weeks ago and when he walked in I was sitting on a chair backwards wearing nothing but killer heels, stockings & suspenders and a smile! He loved it and we had a great night. Thing is though, after sleeping iwth teh same person for so many years, things can feel a bit...mundane and repetitive I guess.

I'm not just talking sexually either. I mean in general things become predicatble and a bit stale. Liek I know his style of arguing so when we argue (not often) I already know what he's gonna say and how he's gonna approach it.

I'm trying so hard not to sound like a bitch here, I'm just being honest. Do you find that after a certain lenght of time it's hard to still get excited by each other?

Do you think relationships plateau and are there any relationships out there past the 5 year mark where you're still absolutley wild about each other?

This is making me sad actually!

Beetlebum

I'm sorry my spelling is a mess, I typed that in a hurry and the edit function wouldn't work for me! My boss is lurking so I had to type fast!

geuro

I wouldn't worry about it. I'm in a 7 year relationship too, and I understand what you are talking about. But for me, these things come in phases, then they pass and I'm happier than ever again. After a couple pf these phases, you recognise them for what they are and don't let them get to you. That's just my personal experience with it though..

nice work with the sexy outfit btw!

pikachucheeks

geuro wrote: »

nice work with the sexy outfit btw!

+ 1

Can't really offer much of an opinion, on the relationship front, because I'm in the "little to no experience" category.

I'd just recommend that if you're finding things are getting stale, try new things together and make sure there's new and exciting things for both of you to enjoy.

NoDice

Hey Beetlebum!

Just want to say really sorry that you're feeling down about it. I haven't been in a relationship for more than four years so I can only talk from my experience.

Firstly the fact you've been with him already for near 7 years is amazing, especially if you're not living together. I only wish my current relationship will last that long. You guys must really love each other.

I lived with my ex for three years before we broke up. I'll admit we broke up in the end because I found things became very monotonous and mundane as you said. It became what I called "a platonic love". He was my best friend and I love him to bits but the attraction eventually went out the window as I grew bored of the routine. We are still great friends but knew we weren't right for one another.

That's my experience of the bad side of relationships. I know that's not what you want to hear but just letting you know I get how you're feeling.

HOWEVER!

My current boyfriend is a completely different story! We were friends first and are now madly in love with one another. We do everything together and everyday is different. We haven't been together very long I'll admit but I genuinely think I've found the person who is going to keep me happy for the rest of my life.

I think it really depends on the couple you see IMO. Some people let the relationship fall into a routine and others just refuse to.

There is one lady I work with who is one of my idols when it comes to relationships. She has been married to her husband for near 30 or 40 years and they still maul each other! She will still come in and talk about him as if she has only met him. They do something different nearly all the time and they still have a great sexual relationship.

The fact too that you went through the trouble to get dressed up for your boyfriend is admirable. Not alot of girls have the courage or simply the determination to do that. It shows you love him and want to keep everything special and exciting.

I think things do eventually get to a point where you're used to what your OH is going to say or how he will react but I bet you love him for how he says things and how he reacts?

IMO I think you're going about it the right way. I'm not going to tell you what you have to do to uphold the relationship or tell you that you guys need to sit down and talk about it - I think you know all of this already just from reading your post.

You already know to keep things exciting, dress up, try new things sexually! Might sound extreme but if you really are bored of the sex why not try Kama Sutra if you haven't already? Or Tantric sex? You can even have a laugh with it if it isn't your thing!
Regarding the general relationship, one thing I started doing for the fun with my ex was make up a list of things we had never done before and set a date and get through the list! Nothing extreme like bungee jumping or zorbing.. lol. But simple things that can make for a nice weekend.. Like learning how to swim, horse riding, going to a driving range, visiting Newgrange.. etc. Hope that doesn't sound sad, just helps I think.

The only real advise you can be given is do what you're doing if you're happy doing it.

If you think he's the one for you, put in all the effort you can and he'll do the same.

If he's not, why bother?

Wow, longest post ever! And all I did was ramble I'm sorry! Hope it sheds a bit of light though!

The end!

Beetlebum

Aw thanks for the replies guys, I thought I was gonna get called a bitch and told that love is unconditional.

NoDice that is so inspiring and cute about the woman in work, bless!

I really do love him dearly but I fear that it's becoming more platonic. I fancy him but not as much as I once did and I find myself day dreaming about random guys (fictional men) more and more often.

What struck me today was a girl in work just found out her bf had cheated on her. The poor thing was in ribbons, absolute bits. She even went home early. It got me thinking how I'd react now if he cheated on me (he did once before years ago but I forgave him) and I was thinking I'd actually be okay. I knwo I'd feel deeply betrayed, but the idea of him sleeping with someone else no longer makes me sick to my tummy.

Years ago when he cheated I was torn apart. Sweet Jeus I was inconsolable but now I think I'd be like...meh...ok...well...that wasn't very nice of you now was it? but I wouldn't be picturing her or them together and tormenting myself.

I know this sounds weird but I don't get jealous at all and that's a good thing but is it healthy to never ever feel jealous? I wouldn't care if he went to Vegas with his football team! I'd be concerned about his safety and that he ate well while away but not about woman/strip clubs!

I don't know...I'm just rambling now so I'll stop!!

Thanks though for the replies...I'm just worried that I've fallen out of love/lust

seamus

Beetlebum wrote: »

I knwo I'd feel deeply betrayed, but the idea of him sleeping with someone else no longer makes me sick to my tummy.

You're past the insane jealousy stage of the relationship, which tbh goes hand-in-hand with the lusty, can't your hands off eachother stage. It means that you trust him implicitly, so the thought of him cheating doesn't rile up negative feelings for you because you don't believe it would ever happen. The most powerful thoughts/suggestions are those which contain a bit of reality - when you don't think they're real or possible, you don't feel quite as strongly about them.

Relationships change, people change. It is very, very rare to find a couple who, after 10 years, are as "frisky" as they were when they started going out. There are plenty of reasons for this, and not all of them have anything to do with your attraction - it could be to do with age, children, stress, work, whatever.

A couple who have no attraction between them have a problem, but for couples in your situation, it's simply a matter of keeping it "fresh", like you did. Sex with your partner is a bit like taking drugs - at the start it's always awesome without even having to try. As you go on, you need to change things in order to keep it as awesome as it was at the start.

But sex isn't the point of a relationship. It should be there, and you should both enjoy it, but if the sex is all that's keeping you from leaving the relationship, then there's really no relationship there. That doesn't seem to be the case with you.

There can also be a certain amount of plateau-ing in the development of a relationship. If nothing has changed in your relationship in the last few years, you can get bored. It doesn't mean your relationship is dead or that "this is it", it simple means you're a bit bored. And what do you do when you're bored? Something else! The relationship needs to change, it needs to develop, even if it's something as simple as a change in routine or as drastic as marriage or children.

Beetlebum

seamus wrote: »

You're past the insane jealousy stage of the relationship, which tbh goes hand-in-hand with the lusty, can't your hands off eachother stage. It means that you trust him implicitly, so the thought of him cheating doesn't rile up negative feelings for you because you don't believe it would ever happen. The most powerful thoughts/suggestions are those which contain a bit of reality - when you don't think they're real or possible, you don't feel quite as strongly about them.

Relationships change, people change. It is very, very rare to find a couple who, after 10 years, are as "frisky" as they were when they started going out. There are plenty of reasons for this, and not all of them have anything to do with your attraction - it could be to do with age, children, stress, work, whatever.

A couple who have no attraction between them have a problem, but for couples in your situation, it's simply a matter of keeping it "fresh", like you did. Sex with your partner is a bit like taking drugs - at the start it's always awesome without even having to try. As you go on, you need to change things in order to keep it as awesome as it was at the start.

But sex isn't the point of a relationship. It should be there, and you should both enjoy it, but if the sex is all that's keeping you from leaving the relationship, then there's really no relationship there. That doesn't seem to be the case with you.

There can also be a certain amount of plateau-ing in the development of a relationship. If nothing has changed in your relationship in the last few years, you can get bored. It doesn't mean your relationship is dead or that "this is it", it simple means you're a bit bored. And what do you do when you're bored? Something else! The relationship needs to change, it needs to develop, even if it's something as simple as a change in routine or as drastic as marriage or children.

Seamus - That's it, you nailed it!! I just read your post twice through and it makes perfect sense. For the past few years we have doing the long distance thing and while we both enjoy our independence and space, some progression is needed in the relstionship. We need to move in together or at least live in the same city. How on earth did this not cross my mind before?! No wonder I'm feeling a bit lack lustre and bored. We need to break up this seeing each other every fortnight routine and make plans for the future!

I don't ever want to get married (he does but he knew from day 1 that I never will) but I'd like to live together.

Thank you all guys...a few pints and a lets-move-in conversation is on the cards tonight!

Das Kitty

From my experience (10 years) it comes in peaks and troughs. 3 years ago I was feeling like we were plodding along. Currently we're bonkers about each other. It takes work to keep the "magic" feeling. He can still do and say things that make my heart burst.

We do little things like visiting places we used to go in the early days or having a reminisce about places and people. We count our blessings a lot too.

I think having new experiences together is always enriching.