I think girls find me ugly

LegacyUser

I'm 30 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I think it's because women find me ugly looking. I'm quite a shy person but I do make an effort to socialise and go out. I get along with girls at work but not once has any girl ever shown an interest in me. Any girl I've ever been interested in either doesn't find me their type or else they are already in a relationship. For a while I was pretty heavy but over the last two tears I have lots lots of weight, smartened my hair/image up and started toning my body up in the gym. In recent photographs I've thought myself to be not bad looking yet I still have had no luck whatsoever on the romantic front. It's gone to the stage where I think that girls just find me repulsive:-(

Sorry, I'm probably coming across as sad here but I just needed to let it all out.

Carsinian Thau

It sounds like you don't have a lot of self-confidence to me. That would probably be way more at fault for the lack of relationships. It's unlikely that you're repulsive to women. I don't mean to generalise but very very few people are truly ugly. You probably just think that you are which has lessened your confidence which means that you're probably not putting yourself out there enough.

If you could try something that could raise your self-esteem while simultaneously meeting people, it could be the catalyst you need. Something along the lines of evening classes could bring you that confidence and introduce you to new people.

It's at least worth a shot.

Moomoo1

I think that to say that it's _just_ down to self-confidence is a bit of an exhaggeration. Confidence isn't everything.

However, with a guy it's all mainly down to being able to talk and having 'good' body language, not looks, so not all is lost for the OP.

InReality

thing is most people are way better looking than they think themselves to be. google psychology studies around it.

personally i think i'm ok looking in the mirror but not great/ugly in a photo.

RossFixxxed

You'll look way worse with bad posture, scowling and generally not maintaing your appearnace (hair, beard clothes etc) work on YOU and the rest will slowly follow.

Eve_Dublin

You know something? Confidence is overrated. I don´t believe there are confident people and not-very-confident people....I believe people go through different stages in their lives where they feel confident and when they don´t because of external curcumstances and from my own personal experience, this can change on a daily basis.

I don´t believe confidence is the same as liking and accepting yourself though or else it is and the meaning of confidence has become something else. Not every woman wants a guy who´s balshy, outspoken, suave, sophisticated and smooth and know what to say at the right time, how to dress, how to chit-chat with everyone. Blah! The media has shoved down our necks what it means to be confident and we feel less of a person because we DON´T emulate these people. To be honest, most people I come across who would be considered "confident" by modern standards and far, faaaaaar from it when you get to know them...or else they´re a headwreak and you´re praying that they´d just drop the act. Just look at all those celebrities who you´d presume are brimming with confidence, half of them are a disasters in their own lives. It´s all an act.

OP for me the most attractive thing about a guy is that subtle vibe that the man likes who he is and is comfortable in his own skin. I I don´t want to call it confidence because of the other crap images that conjures up in our minds. I´ve been attrracted to some quiet guys in my time....there might be a presumption that they´re lacking in confidence but they all gave off that air that they were happy to take a back seat with others and still looked as if they were enjoying the company.The fact that you´ve written up here that you suspect you´re ugly shows you´ve still got some work to do on how you view yourself. It´s as if your body has overtaken your mind in self-improvement. You´re probably a hottie but there´s a niggling part of you that says you might be ugly. That shouldn´t happen. If you feel that, you´ll show it externally and women can pick up on it.

Listen, I know for me that when it comes to MEN, looks are absolutely nothing without personality, even at the initial stages. Women are instantly attracted to a whole load of other things as well. I truely believe looks actually play a very small role in what attracts us to men, to be honest. I´ve gone out with some what would be considered not-so-handsome men in my time but one thing they almost all had in common: they liked themselves and because they liked themselves, they could enjoy themselves and the company of others with ease.

And I´ve had flings with the loud, balshy, schmoozy "confident" fellas....but they never lasted beyond a few weeks.

fabbydabby

In fairness, unless the guy is horiffic looking (which he seems not to be, I would say he's mediocre at worst given his own description) confidence and tact around the fairer sex is the reason why he is not scoring. Ugly guys can get nice girls a lot easier than ugly girls can get nice guys.

Confidence isn't being a loud mouthed arrogant jerk-off. It's....

the man likes who he is and is comfortable in his own skin.

... this.

And nothing more.

cafecolour

I think it's because YOU think women find you ugly.

Also, you might not be good at reading signals, coupled with low self-confidence, means you might be missing any interest (no, she's just being friendly, she's not into me).

Finally, are you sure no women are finding you attractive, or are you fixating on few specific women who aren't returning your interest and ignoring the rest.

G-Money

You sound like me, except you are two years younger.

I've gone through and am still going through the same thing somewhat. I often think girls find me repulsive. I'm not exactly sure how or when this started, but regardless, it's there now. I've went out so many times and nothing has happened that it really started to get to me. It still does.

Even the odd time I'd meet a girl and she was interested, for some reason I didn't seem able to pull the trigger. I'd stall, be unsure of what to do, be unsure if I should go for it, and even be unsure if I was even interested in her. But even these small "successes" get completely washed away by the lack of success to the point where I might as well have never spoken to a girl in my life.

Does that sound familiar?

Here is a tip that I came up with a few years ago that sort of helps me. Next time you are sitting there thinking to yourself that you are ugly and hideous and you couldn't get a girl no matter what, approach it like this. Think back to a time when a girl did show you interest. Ok, you might not have been interested in her or didn't score or whatever, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that she was interested in you.

So take that concrete evidence and remember it. When you start to feel down about yourself again and how no girl could like you, remember back to the time when you met a girl who was interested. Think back to that evidence.

Now you are saying to yourself "oh no girl likes me" etc etc. Then say "hold on, X liked me and so did Y and Z did too." Then you can go to yourself "Ok, well those girls liked me and they obviously weren't insane. Can it possible that I'm right and that no-one likes me or is it possible that I'm wrong?" It will be obvious that you are wrong as you have proof that those girls liked you. Like I said, it doesn't matter if nothing happened with them. All you need to focus on is that they did like you.

So what I try and do is if I think of a negative thought, I try and think of it's positive opposite. So say I'm feeling bad about myself and I think all girls think I'm repulsive, I just try and say to myself "ok, that's obviously not true because look at these times that these girls fancied you". So I think to myself "is it possible that I'm right and everyone else in the world is wrong?" And you know what, that's not very likely at all. Same as it's not very likely for you either.

You sound like you've low self esteem. I'm overweight myself and like you, I'm getting back into shape and while that might not cure everything, it's bound to make you feel a lot better about yourself.

Like I say, I'm struggling through the same things myself. I'm not sure if to advise you to try internet dating or speed dating, or even just randomly chatting to people to boost your confidence and make you feel better about yourself. Sometimes I think I just need to forget about women altogether and focus on other stuff.

But then I'd just be depriving them of my sparking wit, charm and sexy northern accent :cool:

So keep the chin up dude. Next time you feel that downward spiral coming, think of a time that you met a girl that did like you. Focus on how that is actually true, as opposed to your own theory which is really just your own opinion.

Hope this helps.

Soul Stretcher

Eve_Dublin and grandmaster +1,000,000.

Those two posts contain all the answers.

If you're ready to receive the answers.

LegacyUser

Confidence isn't being a loud mouthed arrogant jerk-off. It's....

... this.

And nothing more.

Confidence isn't being a loud mouthed arrogant jerk-off. It's....this.


the man likes who he is and is comfortable in his own skin.

And nothing more[/quote]fabydabby
Imagine there are two men in front of you. One is as you describe above i.e like who he is etc. How would you know which of them was him? What is it about him that signals comfort and self liking?

To grandmaster and OP. I have similar issues

I was once asked out by a girl workmate who I did not fancy but went once or twice, partly cos I liked her balls for asking me. I asked her why she asked me out and said it was cos I was good looking and intelligent. That was her opinion so she said but i feel that cos i did not fancy her it sort of invalidated her opinion?

I also had several relationships the last a year ago and still find it hard to accept that they went with and slept with me.When considering asking someone I like out now it is a bit like a positive past success is somehow wiped from the slate. Also OP/GM/anyone - how does one define goodlooking in a guy? i only know how to do so in a woman

G-Money

I'm male so I couldn't say I know what characteristics define a good looking guy But it's easy to see guys who would be popular with girls. But that's solely based on their appearance.

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

But it's easy to see guys who would be popular with girls. But that's solely based on their appearance.

Well the ladies here say it is confidence :-)

LegacyUser

Soul Stretcher wrote: »

Eve_Dublin and grandmaster +1,000,000.

Those two posts contain all the answers.

If you're ready to receive the answers.

I do not know if it is that simple. There could be an unknown variable as to why some do not do well with opp sex that even psychologists have not figured out.

I have seen problems with relating in adulthood to having had what john Bowlby referred to as lack of bonding with parents

Some people who are 'needy' may be transferring that unresolved issue on to current relationships or trying to have a bf/gf feel the same as they wanted the parent to feel. i do not say this is so but i think it is worth considering

magneticimpulse

I posted a similar response to a similar thread before. From experience I dated or went for the "good looking", clean shaven GI Joe, Ken type guys in the past. However I found that they got alot of attention and in theory could find a better looking girl then me!!

Then my ex asked me out last year. He didnt really catch my eye, but I liked that he had the balls to come over and chat to me. The conversation was a bit strange, a bit scientific and geeky...but we kept talking. I just fell into a relationship with him. Ok i was not head over heels, but then we slept together and it was great. We went on holidays together and he became a great friend. So which guy would i choose now? Definitely the 2nd option. I think as women get older (and men too), their wants from a relationship change. Women generally want a realible, honest man who is not a prick. While you might not think your good looking, your other attributes will make you far out shine any Plastic Ken look alike. Just apply the same theory to women, you might find a playboy girl attractive in a magazine but in reality, maybe a geeky plan Jane is more compatible as a long term companion.

Chin up, and just have the balls to ask a girl out. If she says no, ask another one. You have to sell yourself. You might not be a ferrari, but could be a realiable Honda. ;o)

stateofflux

seems to me you are creating a self fulfilling prophecy man....i was the same as you i was shy and sometimes went a long time without action and then get a lot of it.....
the biggest thing that helped me was realising the fact that most people (if not all) are a mess...and don't have a clue what they are doing in life or why they are doing it......your lack of confidence comes from assuming you are the only one who has'nt got your **** together....i have NEVER met a person that is'nt insane or slightly neurotic in my life.......

unless you look like quaismodo (which is unlikely from your description)attraction is like apples and pears...some are into you , some are not...some girls like knuckle dragging cavemen.....some like makeup wearing freaks....

basically STOP GIVING A DAMN ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU...WHO CARES?

ConnachtRanger1

I can somewhat understand what the original poster was saying. My entire adult life girls have treated my like I dont exist. Now they have never been cruel or mean, nor have they been complimentary or interested, just completely indifferent, which as most people will know is the worst of all [The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about!]. I am approaching 30 myself and have never had a girlfriend. In case I sound like Im fishing for compliments I should just mention that I was born with a disfigured arm/shoulder, and I am very short, things I cant hide from women. With me its a confidence issue. But what I cant understand is how physically/psychologically normal people (and the original poster sounds normal) have these problems. When I approach women they immediatley know something is wrong with me and this can shatter your confidence, especially when they give you that patented 'look you up and down' stare some girls are so good at. Most girls I meet out aren't interested and girls have I worked or gone to college with just wanted to be friends and it has left me very bitter and angry, but Im going to keep trying!
So my advice is dont end up like me. If you are normal in appearance (very few people are actually ugly) just keep trying. Its just a matter of conquering your shyness and taking those first steps. Because believe me guys, thinking your ugly when your not can lead you down a very slippery slope!

Soul Stretcher

Wow what a great post ConnachtRanger1 ! (I mean that... not being sarcastic).

Thanks for sharing.

Don't want to hijack OP's thread but I'm had similar dating existence so far. When I was a teenager, I had a terrible self image (it's still not great and I'm 30 now) and, in my own mind, I did think I was deeply unattractive and not worthy of being with a girl I found attractive.

What I've learned is that's its all in the mind. Your mind (self-talk) can be your greatest enemy or your greatest ally. I found Cognitive Behavioural Therapy very good for recognizing negative thoughts that have no basis in reality and then replacing them with positive more realistic thoughts.

I think half the problem is that we live in our own heads far too much and don't get out there enough so that our views of the world and ourselves can be formed from real experiences and objective reality.

G-Money

OP, you might not like this suggestion, but have you thought about getting some sort of counselling? You sound like you've low self esteem and low confidence and the reason I say this is that I'm the same.

I've been told before that I'm cute/good looking, but in my head I might as well not have been told anything. It's like any positive interactions with girls are completely erased by the lack of success I've had. Even now, when I see a girl I like, I think to myself "She's hot, I wonder if... ah it doesn't matter, she'll never be interested".

I'm not exactly sure how to get past this, I haven't really figured it out yet. It's difficult as even if you do work up the guts to say hello, the whole time in your head you are thinking "She won't like me, she won't be interested, she won't like me, she won't be interested, I've no chance". Over and over and over again.

I definitely spend far too much time "in my head". I mean I will sit there and analyse things and over think things and in the end, do nothing. I suppose I'm waiting to discover something that will sort my head out but I haven't come across it yet.

But like I said in a previous reply. When you feel yourself getting down, just think of the positive opposite to your negative thought. Think of a time a girl was interested, focus on that. That's about all I can suggest at the moment. Like I said, I'm still trying to work my way through these things myself.

I also think it's a good idea to not think of girls as someone you want to land as a girlfriend or whatever. Just talk to them like you do your female friends. I'm betting you're not all nervous and stuff around your female friends. Don't put them on a pedastal, like they are some amazing sexy perfect goddess. They're just like everyone else.

Redpunto

post a pic and we'll let you know - only joking:D#

its completely about being happy about yourself, if you dont feel good about yourself, no-one else will.

Eve_Dublin

Some good advice here. OP can I just add that to class girls in one big collective noun like that makes no sense. How can "girls find you ugly" when all girls are individuals and go for different types of men? To put them in the same unattainable bracket like that can build us up to being something we really aren´t and you´re doing yourself no favours. Even the most handsome and charming of men wouldn´t have every girl after him. You know yourself, do you fancy most women or do you fancy a handful of women? I´m guessing it´s the latter. Most people out there, male and female, would only provoke the interest in a handful of people at best. Of course there´s those who get the interest of most men and women they meet but very, very few of us fall into that category.

Don´t be so hard on yourself. There´s no way of knowing someone´s type just by looking at them and going just by their sex. I´ve no DOUBT that you´re some women´s type. I truely believe there´s someone out there for everyone. Perhaps your their type but they might not be YOUR type.

Your quest to find someone you´d like to go out with is a problem even the most hunkiest/prettiest soundest, conifdent etc women and men face and that´s just life, I´m afraid. I´m guessing most people out there are single or it´s at least 50/50. You have to get it out of your head that your the only one with this problem and it might have little to do with your looks or your self-esteem but it might just come down to basic biology. There´s no recipe for the perfect man or woman and it´s often the imperfections that attract us to another person.

NO one is perfect, OP. Like someone else said, get women off that pedastal. Were human just like you with our insecurities and our own problems with finding someone but cliche alert: The most important relationship you´ll have is with yourself´. It´s essential to like yourself if you´re going to have a fulfilling, lasting relationship with someone else.