Boyfriend cheated on me and I need some advice please

LegacyUser

Ok so my boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 years (since we were 16) and 2 months ago there was a big night out and I could tell that he was reaaaaally drunk when I was talking to him on the phone at around 1am. I tried to call him the next morning but got no reply so I just drove back up to college(2hour drive). That night he drove up to me without any warning and I was really happy when he called to say he was outside my apartment, I thought he was suprising me. I was so wrong. I could tell by the look on his face at the door that there was something up and when we got down to my room he had tears in his eyes and told me that he had slept with his sisters friend (5yrs older than us).

I was in a total state of disbelief and just said nothing for hours. It felt like my entire world had just caved in. He genuinely looked like he felt the exact same way and did not try to beg me to take him back, as he put it "I know I have ruined everything". We are the closest couple ever and I genuinely saw myself marrying him( I know I'm young but if you knew us you'd understand).

So after a long period of just pain/silence/fear I started to ask questions. He said that he doesn't remember much of it but he remembers drinking a pint of vodka and then basically going at it with her, he doesnt remember how it started. He said he remembers telling her that he had a girlfriend and the next thing he remembers is being up in his room with her. he said from what he recalls it was very mechanical and like he was zoned out or something. he said that they didnt "finish" as he was too drunk. he woke up the next morning and told her to leave. and as i said he called up to me that night and told me everything.

he is a very decent guy and there have never ever been any issues like this before. he is not a regular drinker, at most he drinks maybe once a month. its obvious he binges when he does and cant handle it. as for the woman, i have seen her picture on facebook and I'm not just saying this to be nasty or anything, but she is very very plain, you wouldnt call her attractive and he has told me that he does not find her attractive.

so since then i kind of went into a state of complete shock/panic/depression. i cry myself to sleep every night and cannot bring myself to tell my family or even my best friend because i know all they will do is judge and say "once a cheater always a cheater". i also cannot trust that they will not tell anyone else, and to be honest I definately cannot deal with the humiliation of it right now.

After some soul searching I decided to give it another go with him. he seems very depressed a lot of the time, as am I. It is clear that this has scarred him as much as it has me. he has not drank since and has said he will never drink more than 1-2 pints ever again and I do believe him. I must reiterate that he has not begged me to take him back, he thought when he came up that night to tell me that we would be over forever and he said he would not cause me more pain by trying to convince me to stay with him as he said he doesnt deserve me.

i am not paranoid that he will ever do this again, i am completely sure that he wont. my problem is whether or not I should break up with him. I can still see a future with him but every day I get upset at some point so I'm wondering will this feeling ever go away? I really want to be able to forgive him one day but I dont know if this is possible?

We have decided to kind of stay in a state of limbo (still going out but not pretending like nothing happened or anything) until I finish my Xmas exams. I simply cannot deal with the prospect of losing my best friend/boyfriend at the same time as these important exams.

he has said that he will understand if i want to break up with him at any point and that he wont ask any questions and will let me be. i really need to emphasize that he is a really decent guy.

I honestly dont think there was any issue with him wanting to sleep with anybody else or anything but maybe im deluded??

Does anybody have any thoughts please?? I have nobody else to talk to about it and I would really appreciate some help.

Thank you.

Taltos

Ah Op - this is crap for you both.

But the good news is that this is something the two of you can work though. Just note the key word here - work.

It seems at the moment both of you are in a state of limbo - almost depression over what happened and the very real betrayal here.

You cannot worry about if this gets out. It might but if so just be strong.
In terms of dealing with the feelings you both have and I know I will get a kicking here - have you both considered couples counselling?

In my opinion I think you both need some guidance from someone with more experience here on how to work through these feelings. And more importantly how to move past this event. The worst thing you could both do is bottle it up and pretend it never happened - as I guarantee in 6mts or 2 yrs it will all come spilling out and at that time you stand a good chance of breaking up really messily.

Please seek some help - maybe a college counsellor.
If you still see a future - that is good - just work towards it.

Accidents do happen and he is very lucky you are willing to try to move on. I know my OH would not & in all honesty neither would I - we both have identified "deal-breakers" having been cheated on in the past.

Best of luck.
T

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Firstly sorry to hear you are going through such a crap time. To be honest, from the content of your post it sounds as though your boyfriend realises exactly how badly he screwed up.

I'm not in any way condoning what he did, but he did tell you straight away and didn't try to cover up. It does sound as though he needs to tackle the binge drinking issue though. I myself am not a regular drinker and when i was younger i did tend to tear the ass out of it when i did go drinking and ended up doing and saying some really stupid things that i wouldn't dream of doing while sober.

I agree with the the other poster who suggested counselling. If you really want the relationship to survive it may be the best way to get through this. It sounds as though you have something worth fighting for.

Anyway whatever happens best of luck with it.

tbh

LimboLand wrote: »

Does anybody have any thoughts please??

yeah. He's made a mistake. He seems to be genuinely sorry. If you were my sister, I'd advise you to forgive AND FORGET this one time. What's the point in throwing everything away because of this?

The reality is, you may not be able to get past this - and that's ok. You don't HAVE to do anything. If you feel you can't trust him again, you don't have to try to force it. But based on what you've told us, he seems to know he's messed up, and the fact that he's stopped drinking means he's taking it seriously.

hope you feel better soon.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. I hadn't thought about couples counseling, are there actually places like that you can go? Im from a small enough city, I'm going to look into that today.

It's a huge relief to get other peoples opinions as I've had no-one to talk to so thank you.

Something I forgot to say; his family all saw the woman leave that morning so they all know about it which is quite hard as I have to see them regularly. I don't think I'll ever be able to step foot inside his house again(he lives at home with his parents) knowing that it happened there. I know it seems irrational

I'm not sure if I'm just too afraid to let go of the only serious relationship I've ever been in. But I genuinely couldn't imagine being happy without him in my life. But then again I'm not really happy at the moment If I could ask for anything for Christmas it would be for this whole nightmare not to have happened

tbh

LimboLand wrote: »

Something I forgot to say; his family all saw the woman leave that morning so they all know about it which is quite hard as I have to see them regularly. I don't think I'll ever be able to step foot inside his house again(he lives at home with his parents) knowing that it happened there. I know it seems irrational

because this is happening to you, it's very hard to get proper perspective. It's not happening to me (this time!) so I can tell you - it's not irrational. Irrational means there is no logical reason for you to feel like that - I would say you have very real and valid reasons for feeling like that

The point I'm trying to make is, however you feel, that's how it is. There isn't a certain thing you should be doing or saying - it's different for everyone. Your trust has been broken, and it's not going to just come back - if it did, you'd be in denial.

If you have any chance of getting through this, it's to be open and honest with each other, and don't apologise for feeling angry. If you didn't feel angry, I'd be worried.

I'm not sure if I'm just too afraid to let go of the only serious relationship I've ever been in. But I genuinely couldn't imagine being happy without him in my life. But then again I'm not really happy at the moment If I could ask for anything for Christmas it would be for this whole nightmare not to have happened

There are loads of people on boards who would say that drink is no excuse, and fair play to them. I've done really really dumb things when I was drunk. I've cheated on girlfriends and done things I've cringed about the next day. I've had to spend time apologizing to people I love because I've hurt them. The thing is, it's hard to say "no" when you're locked. So my solution? I don't put myself in the situation where I might have to make a decision about something when I'm drunk. I forsake the act of getting drunk because I can't trust myself to do the right thing once I am drunk.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend has learned this fact as well - only time will tell. Maybe he'll never be that drunk again. Or maybe he won't feel guilty after a while, and just reassure himself that he won't make the same mistake again.

When you've seen him out a few times - you'll know. Remember, actions speak louder than words. A lot of lads would blame the other girl, or blame you, because they are not big enough to blame themselves. It's really childish, but it happens. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is in that camp tho, so far, so that's a good sign.

Wagon

I'm one of these people who always say dump the bollox if he/she cheated. But...from what you've described here your boyfriend seems as miserable about this as you. And seems genuine about it and for once it sounds like the drink certainly did black someone out at times, considering he told your one he had a girlfriend, gap in his memory and then not being able to finish and then telling her to get out the next day. And he admitted it almost immediatly to you as well.

Ultimately though it's up to you if you can forgive him. I'd say the coucelling is a good idea, likewise giving it more time and seeing how things pan out. But if you can't get past it then there's no point in continuing. I doubt i could but everyone is different.

Moomoo1

I'd generally concur with the above posters. One thing that jumps out at me however is how cool he seems to be about everything: 'oh, don't mind, do what you want and I'll go along with it' and 'oh well, I thought this was over anyway'. It seems that he either genuinely doesn't care whether your relationship will survive this, or that this is a deliberate 'waiting game' on his part: playing it very cool in order to get back with you.

But maybe it's just how you describe things.

PS: in those 2 months, has he tried to make things up to you in any way? Suggested some improvements in his future conduct?

Taltos

Just did a quick google search and first hit was www.mrcs.ie

I have no idea or exp with them.
But they are based in Dublin and claim to have counsellors in most parts of Ireland.

Look - at the end of the day - only you really know if this is worth fighting for / saving.
Only you really know your OH and hopefully you can judge if he is genuine in his remorse.
The rest of us all come with our own baggage / scars - so please take some time for yourself and figure out what is best for you. Not what is best for you both - but what is best for you.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I'd generally concur with the above posters. One thing that jumps out at me however is how cool he seems to be about everything: 'oh, don't mind, do what you want and I'll go along with it' and 'oh well, I thought this was over anyway'. It seems that he either genuinely doesn't care whether your relationship will survive this, or that this is a deliberate 'waiting game' on his part: playing it very cool in order to get back with you.

But maybe it's just how you describe things.

PS: in those 2 months, has he tried to make things up to you in any way? Suggested some improvements in his future conduct?

No like he wasn't like "oh i dont care if its over". he was very depressed and upset and didnt want to make things harder for me by begging me to stay with him when he said himself that he doesnt deserve me. So it's not a waiting game or anything he was playing, he just genuinely wanted me to go through the least amount of pain possible. if he had tried to make any excuses or anything i would have just dumped him but he didnt try to weasle out of it at all!

As regards what has happened in the last two months, like I said he hasnt been drinking at all. he has been to a few 21st but has always taken the car so he doesnt drink or anything.he has made a huge effort to plan romantic things for us aswell.

like i'm not paranoid that this will happen again i just don't know if it's possible to forgive /trust someone who has hurt you this much? like 5 years is a very long time to be in a loving relationship for this to happen.

thanks again for all the replies it really helps to talk about things, i feel more assured in my decision to try to make things work after reading your posts.

thank you for the link to that website i'm going to ring them when i finish my exams

Kiraandliamo

Hi OP,

Guys view here, dont want to rain on your parade but instead of you looking for acceptance from people youve done the right thing you need to be lookin deeper into what happened. Drink is no excuse for cheating! I know cos i done it many a year ago whilst i was very very drunk... i was aware wat i was doing despite being locked! There is a fundamental issue behind all of this which you need to resolve.... I hate having to tell you that but generally if someone cheats its cos they are unfulfilled in their relationship... your guy is a good guy.... reminds me of me alot... he tries to do the right thing. you need to find out if hes happy with everything else!

tbh

Kiraandliamo wrote: »

Hi OP,

Guys view here, dont want to rain on your parade but instead of you looking for acceptance from people youve done the right thing you need to be lookin deeper into what happened. Drink is no excuse for cheating! I know cos i done it many a year ago whilst i was very very drunk... i was aware wat i was doing despite being locked! There is a fundamental issue behind all of this which you need to resolve.... I hate having to tell you that but generally if someone cheats its cos they are unfulfilled in their relationship... your guy is a good guy.... reminds me of me alot... he tries to do the right thing. you need to find out if hes happy with everything else!

see the problem I have with your post is you use the word "generally". Even if you were right, and you could classify any human behaviour with a "generally", it doesn't mean that it applies to her boyfriend. You'd be better saying "in my experience", in my experience.

Moomoo1

tbh wrote: »

see the problem I have with your post is you use the word "generally". Even if you were right, and you could classify any human behaviour with a "generally", it doesn't mean that it applies to her boyfriend. You'd be better saying "in my experience", in my experience.

I agree. It could be true, but needn't be. If it's true, then he'll do it again, and the OP can dump him with a clear heart. If it's not, and it was a genuine lapse, then I don't think there's a problem.

Kiraandliamo

tbh wrote: »

see the problem I have with your post is you use the word "generally". Even if you were right, and you could classify any human behaviour with a "generally", it doesn't mean that it applies to her boyfriend. You'd be better saying "in my experience", in my experience.

Haha... god, talk about getting involvedin the wording!! I dont agree with once a cheat always a cheat. IN MY OPINION, people are entitled to make mistakes but obviously something in his head said... go for it! that means he has lost some bit of respect for their relationship. Im putting it very nicely, I could give you the true meaning of it but it wouldnt be nice.. i hope her fella reads this, he will agree with me!.. even if he doesnt admit it to her, he will in his head!

tbh

Kiraandliamo wrote: »

Haha... god, talk about getting involvedin the wording!! I dont agree with once a cheat always a cheat. IN MY OPINION, people are entitled to make mistakes but obviously something in his head said... go for it! that means he has lost some bit of respect for their relationship. Im putting it very nicely, I could give you the true meaning of it but it wouldnt be nice.. i hope her fella reads this, he will agree with me!.. even if he doesnt admit it to her, he will in his head!

what you're doing there is making the mistake of assuming that everyones experience is the same as yours.

Kiraandliamo

Is that a fact?? Ill put it this way to you. I am morally a very good person., im in a really happy relationship and i was going out with a girl for 5 years and engaged to her before this relationship. I am in my late 20s and have been living out of home since 17 and have lived all over the country. I have alot of life experience and have seen alot over the years through a pretty tough life.... you dont know anything about me or what i know so dont make the mistake of assuming im wrong.. its easy to knock other peoples opinions... did you seeme making a personal attack on your opinions on the matter?? didnt think so! So keep your smart alec comments to yourself. Im only giving the girl some REAL advice.. not dressing itup all pretty and telling her wat she wants to hear!

tbh

Kiraandliamo wrote: »

Is that a fact??

it is, yeah.

Kiraandliamo wrote: »

i hope her fella reads this, he will agree with me!.. even if he doesnt admit it to her, he will in his head!

Sorry if it seemed like I was having a shot at you, I wasn't. Your advice is fine if that's the type of bloke her boyfriend is. Maybe he is, and maybe he isn't.
But what you are also saying is "your boyfriend is definitely this type of bloke, even if he says he isn't - he is". To paraphrase you, "you don't know him".

If you say "all people are like this" then you're wrong, no matter what your life experience is. Maybe a bit more experience will teach you this

Kiraandliamo

Oh... see what your sayin.. no offence taken tbh! I am a guy just to let you know!

Chucky the tree

Whatever about a drunked kiss If a gf did what the OP fella did I could never foget it. I mean we get all get into some states on the drink but OP if you've drank and gotten into a drunken mess you have to ask yourself would you ever shag another guy? I'm sure the asnwer is definitly not so you have to ask yourself why your bf let himself do it.

I'm not sure why you think your boyfriend will never do it again if even he isn't willing to have more then 2 pints as he is worried he won't be able to stop himself next time either. Most people start drinking because it helps them do things they wouldn't have the confidence etc to do sober so that for me is the most worring sign of it all.

Moomoo1

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Whatever about a drunked kiss If a gf did what the OP fella did I could never foget it. I mean we get all get into some states on the drink but OP if you've drank and gotten into a drunken mess you have to ask yourself would you ever shag another guy? I'm sure the asnwer is definitly not so you have to ask yourself why your bf let himself do it.

I'm not sure why you think your boyfriend will never do it again if even he isn't willing to have more then 2 pints as he is worried he won't be able to stop himself next time either. Most people start drinking because it helps them do things they wouldn't have the confidence etc to do sober so that for me is the most worring sign of it all.

ahem... to speak up for the moderate drinkers, not everyone drinks to get drunk. Contrary to the common stereotype.

Lorrs33

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry for what happened. But, and this is just MY opinion, from what some of the posters have said, it does seem like there was a part of him that was up for it. You have to consider your own feelings here too. You said that you find it uncomfortable going into his house because that's where it happened. I'm sure there's a possibility that you'll bump into this girl, seeing as she's friends with his sister. You need to ask yourself is it worth going through the pain of having to face what your OH has done, possibly on more than one occasion. Sorry if that sounds dramatic. If you're willing to do that, then by all means do, but if you feel you can't, don't force yourself to.

LegacyUser

This woman is only a kind of distant friend of his sister that she happened to meet on the night out and the sister brought her back to the house you see. then later on my boyfriend came back to the house after his night out and that's when they all started doin drinkin games, then his sis fell asleep in another room so it was just the two of them..anyway! I won't see her at all, his sis hasnt made any contact with her since cos shes disgusted about the whole thing. i've seen his family since but just not in his house as i just can't bring myself to go there.

i had it out with him today briefly (not fin exams til 2 weeks time) about there being any basis behind it, like if he wanted to be with anyone else. i kind of raised the points that all of you have posted with him(obv not telling him that i got them from boards) and he is adament that he does not have the desire to be with anyone else and that he really doesnt find the woman attractive(she really isnt). i think it would have been worse if she'd been prettier than me, i know that sounds really childish but i know that it wasnt a case of "oh shes hot i can jump her so i will" i can tell that it was not someone he would ever be into. im not justifying it or anything it's just it's the only thing that is making this whole thing a bit easier on me, as i said it kinda shows me that it was a complete drunken mistake. i also mentioned the couples counselling to him.

by the way a previous poster said that they wanted to "rain on my parade" by telling me that i shouldnt look for reassurance from boards but that's exactly why i came on here! i have nobody else other than my OH to talk to about this so i just want to know what some impartial people think about my own decision to make things work, not taking their advice and making things work because they told me to.

i really cannot thank everyone enough for their opinions/advice on this it is really helping me to work through things myself a bit better.

It's weird, any time i see a program on TV about cheating it just boils my blood now, never used to effect me before (never been cheated on before as far as i know). Really have a lot of hate for Tiger Woods!!!

Aurora Borealis

I know we can't know for sure but it certainly seems he made a very genuine mistake. I for one think(from my 2D reading of the situation..) that the two of you can probably work through it, but only if at some given point in the future you think you can completely put it behind you yourself and forgive him. It'll take time to get there I reckon but it seems like you've a very strong base from which to build on again.