Should we feel more?

LegacyUser

Been with my boufriend since May this year. Everything going perfect. I knew when we got together he had a huge problem with commitment and I was very weary of that for a while, haven't pushed anything relationshippy on him yet he has been the one pushing for us to spend time together - at this stage we spent the whole weekend fri-mon together and then a night or two during the week aswell. He calls me from work every day also.

This was until about 2 wks ago when he turned around out of the blue and ended it. A lot of texting to and fro mainly initiated by him and he got in touch on sunday to tell me that he thinks he might have freaked himself out about us and the whole commitment thing scared him and he made the biggest mistake of his life. We chatted a lot on sunday and yesterday and he says he hasnt gone near anyone else has spent those 2 wks depressd can't stop thinking about me can't get out of bed wants us to try again.

I was unsure at first he really hurt me just ending it out of nowhere and I am trerrified I will be hurt all over again but I agree that he prob did freak out and I dont want to throw away what we have and regret it. We've arranged to meet on Thursday. At the moment we're both very confused.

He keeps telling me he misses me and he has never felt like this about any girl before and he can't imagine not having me in his life. Then the next minute he is telling me that suerly he/we should feel more strongly than this at this stage - he says he doesn't believe in love has done nothing but put himself off the idea of relationships, marriage, commitment, love since forever and then he says that if we're in love we shud know by now.

Is he right - should we know if we are in love?

At the moment he is confusing us both - he is in love with me and cant kive without me ne minute and the next he is breking up with me - - my emotions are so up in the air and all over the place from this I feel like i'm being tortured

santana75

Bluegirl24 wrote: »

Been with my boufriend since May this year. Everything going perfect. I knew when we got together he had a huge problem with commitment and I was very weary of that for a while, haven't pushed anything relationshippy on him yet he has been the one pushing for us to spend time together - at this stage we spent the whole weekend fri-mon together and then a night or two during the week aswell. He calls me from work every day also.

This was until about 2 wks ago when he turned around out of the blue and ended it. A lot of texting to and fro mainly initiated by him and he got in touch on sunday to tell me that he thinks he might have freaked himself out about us and the whole commitment thing scared him and he made the biggest mistake of his life. We chatted a lot on sunday and yesterday and he says he hasnt gone near anyone else has spent those 2 wks depressd can't stop thinking about me can't get out of bed wants us to try again.

I was unsure at first he really hurt me just ending it out of nowhere and I am trerrified I will be hurt all over again but I agree that he prob did freak out and I dont want to throw away what we have and regret it. We've arranged to meet on Thursday. At the moment we're both very confused.

He keeps telling me he misses me and he has never felt like this about any girl before and he can't imagine not having me in his life. Then the next minute he is telling me that suerly he/we should feel more strongly than this at this stage - he says he doesn't believe in love has done nothing but put himself off the idea of relationships, marriage, commitment, love since forever and then he says that if we're in love we shud know by now.

Is he right - should we know if we are in love?

At the moment he is confusing us both - he is in love with me and cant kive without me ne minute and the next he is breking up with me - - my emotions are so up in the air and all over the place from this I feel like i'm being tortured

This is a tricky one blue girl. I used to be the way your boyfriend is so I maybe able to shed some light on a view things.
I know he is giving you very mixed signals: On the one hand he was the one wanting to spend time with you and on the other he calls it off saying he was freaked out by all the commitment. Like I said this sounds like the way I used to be and the crux of the problem is that this guy is not squared away with himself properly. He doent like his own company and is terrified of being alone. Hes afraid of being alone but at the same time hes afraid of getting too close. Its a complete contradiction. Youre his emotional security and when he was away from you for those two weeks it was him alone and when youre alone youre forced to face yourself in every way. Which is a difficult thing to do when youre not comfortable in your own company and basically that comes down to not liking yourself a hell of a whole lot. So when he was on his own he didnt have you to protect him from all the discomfort he experienced whilst being by himself. And so he panicked, realising his emotional security was gone, and tried to get you to take him back.
I realise I could be wrong and it could be something else entirely and Im just going on my own personal experience which only sounds similiar to your boyfriends'. But if this is the case, be careful because if you take him back the cycle could repeat itself: You get close and he gets freaked again and calls it off. Then he'll be on his own again, will feel uncomfortable by himself, will call you and beg to be taken back.
He has issues with intimacy, self esteem/worth/belief. And he needs to sort these out before he can be with another person in a healthy manner. My advice would be to sit him down and tell him that as a condition of taking him back, you want him to go and get some counselling. You need to protect yourself here because I know it hurt like hell when he called it off before so you dont want to expose yourself unnecessarily to hurt like that again.
Good luck

Curvy Vixen

Maybe he needs to define what the word love means to him before he starts on anything with you or anybody else. For some it's roses every Friday, others it's a cup of tea in bed every morning and others it's a smile from their partner that makes their heart flip.

I would pretty much put 'he misses me and he has never felt like this about any girl before and he can't imagine not having me in his life' to mean that he has some serious feelings so I'm not sure how much more he needs to feel.

I would be wary of resuming a relationship full on with him right now, not because he broke it off because we all deserve one mistake/second chance but because he really doesn't seem very clear about what it is he wants in a relationship.

Maybe just get back to being friends whilst he sorts himself out. This will give you time to rebuild some trust too and see where or if it leads anywhere.

mitsy

Hi bluegirl, i am really sorry to hear about your situation.

It seems to me that your boyfriend is overthinking everything to the point that it is ruining things for both of you instead of just letting feelings grow naturally. Relationships are hard work, they require alot of trust not only in the other person but in ourselves, to trust your own feelings, to take a risk, nothing is guaranteed in life and especially in relationships. But if you want to be with someone you have to trust and let the relationship and feelings for each other develop.

The strength of your feelings for someone isnt proportional to the amount of time you have been seeing each other. Its not synchronised either, you will fall in love at different times. But if you enjoy being together now then focus on that and dont worry too much about what you should or shouldnt be feeling.

I think you need to be very clear about how you feel about him and the relationship you are in together. Let him know you understand the confusion but there is no point trying to decide if you are in love with each other or not..........that isnt very romantic and not conducive to loving feelings. Take it slowly with each other, have fun, go on dates. Try not to overthink it and remember what brought you together in the first place.

If he cant handle that then he isnt very mature and you need to look after your feelings in this.

I hope it all works out for you!!

saywhatyouwish

OP this sounds very like my boyfriend... we've been through the break-up and are back together a few months now. He used tell me all the time he loved me etc. but I wonder if he really did or just thought he did.
For me the hardest part after getting back together was trying to trust him again... I still feel a bit afraid to fall too hard but its something I can't control.
While we were apart we were in contact everyday without fail, text messages, phone calls and emails. He wasn't with anyone else either.
He told me straight out he has commitment issues so every now and then I go off on a rant about a wedding, children and where to live etc.:p I only do it messing with him because he knows I'm not like him so he knows I'm taking the p1ss, he even joins in.:D
I've been introduced to all his extended family, he tells me he loves me quite often and his friends too. He seems to have changed since before..maybe the break did us good in a way. We communicate much better with eachother now. If we do or say something that upsets the other we say it whereas before we might have just left it.
As to whether you should feel more... I was gutted when we broke up and seeing him again later on I knew I still had feelings for him.
You know if you love someone, I believe if you have to ask whether you do or not then you probably don't. Good luck

CDfm

OP you & he shouldnt confuse infatuation and lust with love.

You dont really say how you fit together.