Do I have to tell?

LegacyUser

I started a thread a couple of months back on this issue, but things have changed since then and I need some advice.

I'm bulimic. I hate that word and I hate defining myself as that, but I am. It's only been going on just over 5 months, but it's gotten bad. I went to my doctor 6 weeks ago and was referred to a counsellor. After one session with her we agreed to try a CBT approach instead. I had some trouble with the referrals she gave me, and in the mean time broke down and told my sister. She insisted I tell my parents (I'm 20, student, living at home). I gave my Dad a letter that day, and he's been amazing about it all.

He contacted a friends wife who's a psychotherapist, and she gave him a contact for another psychotherapist. Despite my insistence that I wanted CBT, they encouraged me to give this woman one session, and then decide. I gave her one session, she was absolutely lovely, really down-to-earth, but at the end of the day - I can't/won't do the whole 'chat to my inner child' thing - it's too spiritual for me.

I explained this to my Dad at the weekend, and we agreed to find me a CBT. He's been great the last few weeks, recognising that this isn't something I can stop overnight, and that it's not something anyone else can fix.

It was my Mam I was dreading telling from the start. I love her, and she loves me. We get on well. But she's a worrier. She has alot going on at the moment as it is, and if I was to tell her, she would CONSTANTLY be on my case. She'd be watching what I eat, asking me how I feel, questioning any weight loss/gain, standing outside the bathroom door. She'd want to help, but in doing so she'd make it something that I could never avoid, not even for a minute. Every slip-up would be a catastrophe.

When I told my Dad a few weeks ago, he agreed to not telling her. I'd go as far as to say it was his suggestion. He knows how much this will hurt her, how she'll struggle with it and feel it's her fault. He also knows that she'd be watching me like a hawk.

Tonight he asked if I'd consider telling her. He said he won't force me, that it's still up to him. But he feels she might be better placed to research CBT. I know he's crazy busy at the moment. He's taken on extra work on top of his business, because it's a necessity financially. He has little to no free time right now.

He won't force me, but he won't have to if his mood continues. I feel like such a burden. I feel like I'm forcing him to lie to my Mam, even though it was his idea. I know he's worried she'll find out accidentally, and then the **** would really hit the fan.

I feel like the most horrible person in the world right now. This is my fault. I should have stopped months ago when I still could, before people had to get hurt. I don't want to cause my Dad this much worry. I know he's coping ok with the whole issue, it's only keeping it from my Mam that he's struggling with.

Having said that, the idea of her knowing kills me. EVERYTHING will change. She'll treat me like an invalid. She'll constantly ask me how I am, if I've thrown up, if I've eaten, what's on my mind, is there anything she can do. I'll end up avoiding her just to avoid confrontation. I'll feel like I can't relax in my own home.

She won't cope the way my Dad will. He recognises that this is difficult, and that even with therapy it will be a while before my behaviour stops. She'll be horrified by the idea of this behaviour continuing under her nose.

Sorry this is so long, fair play if you managed to read it. I just needed to get it out because I'm feeling really low right now. I guess I'm looking for opinions on whether or not I should/have to tell her. I know I'm an awful daughter, please try not to be harsh.

Thanks.

spence101

Firstly your not an awful daughter,you are not a burden on your parents, you are simply trying to protect her.

You have acknowledged the need for assistance and help and it takes strength and courage to tell loved ones such as your dad and sister.

From a CBT perspective im happy that you have sought help, i hope you find a good CBT therapist in which you find comfortable and secure.

An important part of CBT or REBT is understanding the 'woulds' and the 'shoulds', or the burdens you place upon yourself, and from reading this thread the important points that stick out to me is that you are placing unnecessary pressure upon yourself as a daughter, implying that you 'should' be a better daughter, you 'should' not worry your mother and possibly having a distorted view of the outcomes as a result, she 'would' worry, she 'would' be upset.

Not telling your mam is playing in your mind alot, it wont change the way in which she will love you, it may not change the relationship in which you have with her. You do not have to tell her, but it is one of the stumbling blocks which you will come across in therapy and with it playing in your mind so much i would be of the opinion that you should tell her when you are ready and only when you are ready.

I really hope i have helped you in any way that i could, you are feeling so low at the moment and you sound as though you feel guilty for having such a condition. Unfortunatly these feelings accompany this condition but you should strong and confident for having the courage to tell your dad and sister, yet protecting your mam from your own guilt is playing heavily on your mind and i hope the CBT will give you the relief of being able to shed your guilt, and your 'woulds' and 'shoulds'

Let me know how your doing and please feel free to pm me at any time.

Kevster

Hi,

This whole notion of telling your mother doesn't have to be a major event (which is how you seem to be looking at it). The more time you delay over telling her, the more stigma you will apply to it too. I am of the opinion that she should know, but - again- it doesn't have to be a major issue. What I am more worried about is the Bulimia itself and howe therapy doesn't seem to be working for you. Honesty and openness are important for problems of this nature, and especially honesty/openness within a family unit.

CBT didn't help me out with my Bulimias either, but it helped my OCD. What helped my Bulimia was giving up fighting it. I sat down and accepted that I have it.

Kevin

LegacyUser

OP here.

Spence101 - thank you for your comments. Unfortunately, part of the problem is that I feel telling her has to be a 'now or never' kinda thing. I can't turn around and tell her in a few months time, because of the strain that would put on my Mam and Dad's relationship. If she found out he'd lied to him she'd obviously be upset. Equally so, I can't claim to have been seeing a CB therapist without implicating him, as she'd know I don't have the funds. I guess in theory we could come up with some elaborate lies, but it all seems so dishonest. (I know given the fact that I'm currently lying to her, that statement might seem contradictory)

Kevster wrote: »

Hi,

This whole notion of telling your mother doesn't have to be a major event (which is how you seem to be looking at it). The more time you delay over telling her, the more stigma you will apply to it too. I am of the opinion that she should know, but - again- it doesn't have to be a major issue.

While I respect your opinion - I know my Mam. This WILL be a major event. I've seen firsthand how she copes with things like this - and that is to go into panic mode, worry herself close to death and spend all her time preoccupied with the issue.

Kevster wrote: »

Hi,

What I am more worried about is the Bulimia itself and howe therapy doesn't seem to be working for you. Honesty and openness are important for problems of this nature, and especially honesty/openness within a family unit.

I haven't had real therapy yet? As I mentioned, I saw two counsellors, each for one session only. Both were psycho-analysts. The first suggested that she might not be the best form of therapy for me, and the second I knew personally would not work for me. Everything I've read has said that the counsellor has to suit the individual - I'm not about to throw hundreds of euro away on a counsellor who isn't going to do me any good.

I do recognise that honesty is important, but I also don't want this to be what defines me. I've been sick in the past, and for years it completely shaped how my Mam treated me. Purely out of love and concern, but it caused difficulties between myself and my siblings, and I don't want that again.

Kevster wrote: »

Hi,
CBT didn't help me out with my Bulimias either, but it helped my OCD. What helped my Bulimia was giving up fighting it. I sat down and accepted that I have it.

Again - I haven't had CBT yet. And I've done ALOT of research into it, and alot of bulimics seem to have had a great deal more success with CBT than with psychoanalytic work.
I HAVE accepted that I have it - something I couldn't do a few weeks ago. I'm not really sure what you're referring to when you suggest 'giving up fighting it'?

Anyway, thank you for your input! Though I don't necessarily feel like some of what you've said applies to my situation - I appreciate your taking the time to reply.

wylo

OP,is it possible you could get your dad to break the news to her, and get him to explain to her very very thoroughly how the last thing you wanted was for her to make it worse by worrying and worrying and watching everything you do. It would make the whole process easier and then when you meet her she might have calmed down a bit and maybe ye could have a good chat about it then. Parents can be surprising , the initial shock is never surprising but she might go into practical mode. She may of great help to you in the long run. You already have great support from your dad, you may risk losing that (without even him realizing it) by keeping it from your mother. If it gets out in the long run , I would imagine she will resent him for not saying it.

spence101

In feeling that is is a 'now or never' situation, which do you feel will be best for your psychological well being?

you seem to be weighing up the possible scenarios or pros and cons, yet these can be distorted through what seems to be your guilt. you are putting further burdens upon yourself by implicating yourself in any relational strain likely to occur between your parents and this is affecting you psychologically and further making you feel low and guilty, and unfortunately this seems to be a circle which is getting worse and worse.

as someone looking through the window, i cant even to begin to imagine the hardships and internal strife which you have endured, i would recommend taking a positive independent step and possibly inquiring to your college counseling service (if there is one available which most colleges they are) which in my experience are fully qualified CB therapists and will get rid of any financial burden as they are a free service.

If this is a viable solution it may just help you lift just one burden off your chest. i wouldn't recommend creating a web of elaborate lies as this will no doubt just postpone the issue till it rears its head once more.

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you, you seem to be afraid of bulimia consuming your life and defining you. You are defined by the strength of your character yet in getting engrossed in a circle of negativity you may allow yourself to be defined, through bulimia, by guilt and worry.

From reading your posts i can see the strength and courage you have developed in the past few weeks, this may be the last little hurdle you may have to jump over in order to begin to treat your bulimia.

Again pm me if you need to chat or talk about CBT, im fairly well versed although not in this field. Also you may want to check ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) therapy out as well and its work with bulimia.

Overheal

Always with parents I have often found that it is never as bad as I think it will be, but still, its hard to fight the Flight response. You really ought to though. I think you will find that while Im sure she will be concerned, she is not going to throw it back at you like you fear, and by that I mean:

EVERYTHING will change. She'll treat me like an invalid. She'll constantly ask me how I am, if I've thrown up, if I've eaten, what's on my mind, is there anything she can do. I'll end up avoiding her just to avoid confrontation. I'll feel like I can't relax in my own home.

She won't cope the way my Dad will. He recognises that this is difficult, and that even with therapy it will be a while before my behaviour stops. She'll be horrified by the idea of this behaviour continuing under her nose.

^ I just dont see much of any of that happening. Parents worry a whole lot less when you approach them for help. Its much worse (probably akin to your above worries) when you leave them to discover for themselves that youre bulimic. Then they have to worry. They'll always remember you were never going to tell them if you could avoid it, and so they would never trust you with it, and they would always doubt your ability to deal with it. *that* is what you are worried your mother is going to do.

I can absolutely assure you: If you approach her first, and bring her in on it, it wont happen. But, if you keep her in the dark and down the line you end up in deed **** with this problem, Shes just going to worry and worry more. Because she wont know whats going on! And if your Dad has to tell her I think thats going to seriously damage her trust in you. And its not like you wont have your Understanding Father by her side to help her understand it.

And in the meantime, youre dreading this whole decision to tell her or not, which is doing you nothing but harm either.

Tell her now or spend the next few months avoiding her and worrying yourself into a State.

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

OP,is it possible you could get your dad to break the news to her, and get him to explain to her very very thoroughly how the last thing you wanted was for her to make it worse by worrying and worrying and watching everything you do.

If I do have to tell her, that'll be the only way to do it alright. Or even if I tell her, I'll have to get my Dad to speak to her and try and explain things.

spence101 wrote: »

In feeling that is is a 'now or never' situation, which do you feel will be best for your psychological well being?

you seem to be weighing up the possible scenarios or pros and cons, yet these can be distorted through what seems to be your guilt. you are putting further burdens upon yourself by implicating yourself in any relational strain likely to occur between your parents and this is affecting you psychologically and further making you feel low and guilty, and unfortunately this seems to be a circle which is getting worse and worse.

Honestly, I feel keeping it from my Mam would be the best thing for MY psychological well being. However, I also recognise what a selfish view that is. I'm not the only one involved in this now, and effectively I know I'm asking my Dad and my sister to lie to my Mam. I just worry about the pressure that's placing on my Dad.

spence101 wrote: »

as someone looking through the window, i cant even to begin to imagine the hardships and internal strife which you have endured, i would recommend taking a positive independent step and possibly inquiring to your college counseling service (if there is one available which most colleges they are) which in my experience are fully qualified CB therapists and will get rid of any financial burden as they are a free service.

I have two college counselling services available to me, and I had considered them in the past. However, I worry about being seen going to avail of these services. I know that probably seems incredibly immature and silly, but at the end of the day - I don't want ANYBODY I know knowing about my problems. Or knowing that I have problems full stop. I know everyone says that it's no big deal to need help sometimes - but I refuse to put myself in the position where my friends will pity me. I don't want that. And unfortunately, given the location of both these services, I can't go discreetly.

spence101 wrote: »

Again pm me if you need to chat or talk about CBT, im fairly well versed although not in this field. Also you may want to check ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) therapy out as well and its work with bulimia.

I might yet take you up on that offer - thanks a million.

Overheal wrote: »

^ I just dont see much of any of that happening. Parents worry a whole lot less when you approach them for help. Its much worse (probably akin to your above worries) when you leave them to discover for themselves that youre bulimic. Then they have to worry. They'll always remember you were never going to tell them if you could avoid it, and so they would never trust you with it, and they would always doubt your ability to deal with it. *that* is what you are worried your mother is going to do.

I can absolutely assure you: If you approach her first, and bring her in on it, it wont happen. But, if you keep her in the dark and down the line you end up in deed **** with this problem, Shes just going to worry and worry more. Because she wont know whats going on! And if your Dad has to tell her I think thats going to seriously damage her trust in you. And its not like you wont have your Understanding Father by her side to help her understand it.

I know. I know if it's between her finding out from me, or her finding out herself, the first is obviously favourable. But is it really that inconceivable that she NEVER has to know? Is it really not possible that I can spare her that upset?

Victor

spence101 wrote: »

Let me know how your doing and please feel free to pm me at any time.

Folks, please be wary of sending PMs like this. You don't really know who is at the other end, do you?

If you want set up a new account and be careful of any pseudo-medical advice.

SparkyLarks

OP never had bulimia but have had some other issues.

a few thing to realise though

1) If you mum is like mine and she seams to be, She probably knows something is up, and she will be happier worrying and knowing than worrying about what it might be.

2) with the counsellors in college, go see them, don't worry about what other people might think if they see you going. People probably won't notice. They'll see you going into a building and might not even know it's a counsellor.

Best of luck with it

Overheal

Nobody_Special wrote: »

I know. I know if it's between her finding out from me, or her finding out herself, the first is obviously favourable. But is it really that inconceivable that she NEVER has to know? Is it really not possible that I can spare her that upset?

For better or worse this Bulimia is a major part of your life. Its entirely up to you how much of your life you want to include your Mother on. I think she deserves to know. And I think the first notice should come from your mouth, even if you want your Father there beside you to handle most of it.

Parents are very prepared for the day when their kid(s) get themselves into some serious ****. This is one of those times. I think you'll find she's better prepared for it than you imagine.

I agree with SparkyLarks as well. Its better that her energies are focused on the real issue and not on worrying on what she thinks might be wrong, and your energy is best spent on getting well, not trying to spend your time trying to make sure your mother of all people never finds out.