My future with her, doubt or no imagination?

LegacyUser

Something my girlfriend said to me has been bothering me a bit the past few days and is making me doubt our relationship.

Bit of background 1st....

We've been going out quite a long time now, nearly 3 yrs. been living together for 2 and a half years of that. We met when I started college and I'm in my final year now. I'm her 1st BF she's been going out with for more than 6 months, that says a lot about how she feels I think. For me she's my 1st real relationship, had one or two flings but nothing serious until I started going out with her.

Everything has been great for most of the time, usual little rows etc. I couldn't imagine it any different and it all seems pretty normal for a couple to be like we are.

We've vaguely spoken about the future and will we still be together etc etc (both going on 26). I can't imagine not being with her at this stage.

now... a few days ago she asked me about whether we'd have our own house in the future and about having kids. I've never really put much thought into it, I don't know how I'd imagine it even, I told her I was a little unsure.

I'm sure I'll have my own house some day, with her all going well, kids probably as well.

She questioned if we should even be together if I can't imagine it. Is she right, is there no point going on together if I can't see us with a house and kids in the future? It's been bothering me that I can't answer that, is it normal?

I have this idea in my head that I'm doing the wrong thing by still being with her and that I should be breaking it up. The thought of which is even making me nervous and nearly putting a tear in my eye.

I'm not sure I'm getting my thoughts out the right way in the post it's a bit all over the place I think looking over it but I'll post it anyway and will add to it when I get a clearer picture in my head and depending on the responses posted.

Astrogeek

I think you are over-thinking this.

Are you the kind of person who usually plans ahead? Do you have any idea what your future house should look like? Where you want to be when you finish college etc?

Or are you a take it as it comes kind of person?

If you are the kind of person who likes everything planned out, and has definite plans for the future and she isn't included then I would start thinking about where the relationship is going.

If you don't like having everything planned out, it is just how you are and don't worry about it.

magneticimpulse

i think you should not panic about it. women like to plan their wedding day from the age of 5.(stereotype) if you love her, and you want to spend year on year with her, then i assume you dont mind having house, kids. but dont stress over it. im not sure on this one, but i know women can dream alot about things like this. doesnt mean we want it tomorrow.

SarahMc

I think if you are going out 3 years, living together, mid 20s, you really should believe you have a future together. This is obviously what she wants, I think you need to think carefully about whether this is what you want as well.

pookie82

This is classic guy v girl territory. By that I mean that each sex wants something from the relationship and it's not always the same thing at the same time. Truth of the matter is, women, when they get of a certain age (and I'm mot talking about 38+ end of the line for babies type women) want to know that they're with someone who will provide them with stability (emotional, not necessarily financial), a future, and kids. She's testing you out to see if you have even cast a thought over it.

Of course you haven't, nor should you have at this stage - you're a 25 year old male who still has everything to do with his youth and no biological clock. It's no reason to break up (this early on anyway) but do talk about it openly, discuss the possibilites of the future and thrash it out together. If she really wants different things and wants them soon then maybe it's just as well it comes to the fore now.

How Strange

OP, relax and don't over analyse this situation. You love your OH, you see yourselves being together in the future but the specifics are a bit hazy at the moment.

Me and Mr. HS were def not ready to be married after 3 years and we're a few years older than you and your OH. I remember my friend was getting married, they were together for less time than us, we were together 3 years at the time and I could sense my OH tensing up at the mere mention of my friends marriage. I thought about it at the time too and while I knew we could be together in the longterm if push came to shove I wasn't ready either.

What did I do? I left well enough alone and didn't go ruining the good thing we had and now we're getting married. Why go ruining something good because you feel you should be making a commitment to each other. Everyone gets to the specifics of making the longterm commitment at different times. It's not a race or something you SHOULD feel after x amount of time going out together and living together.

LegacyUser

My boyfriend drives me mad with his inability to think about the future. Sometimes I'll ask questions like "Do you see us having kids", or "Will we move to X country?" and he always replies with "I don't know". I used to get very hurt that he apparently didn't, or couldn't, see me in his future, but he just insisted he never thought ahead like that. I'm ALWAYS thinking ahead so I couldn't understand him not doing it. He couldn't even answer a question like "How many kids would you like?".

I agree with pookie82 - she was more than likely testing you, and you failed. IMO, men should be prepared for these questions. Maybe all women won't ask them, but many will. Ambiguous responses will only lead to bad things. You say "I can't imagine not being with her at this stage" but then say "I don't know how I'd imagine it even, I told her I was a little unsure". The correct answer would have been, "I can't imagine my life without you, so yes, I'm sure we'll have a house and kids at some stage". By saying you couldn't imagine it, you were telling her you couldn't imagine her in your future - even if that's not what you meant. Even if you have never thought about it, pretend you have. Of course she wants to hear that you see yourselves together forever! By asking these questions, all she's doing is looking for affirmation that you see the relationship lasting and going somewhere.

She questioned if we should even be together if I can't imagine it. Is she right, is there no point going on together if I can't see us with a house and kids in the future? It's been bothering me that I can't answer that, is it normal?

Why can't you imagine it? Can you imagine it with a faceless stranger, just not with her? Or can you not imagine it at all? Again, she's probably just testing you by suggesting a break up.

If it was me, I'd be delighted if my OH sat down next to me and randomly said "I see us having X number of children - y boys and z girls. We'll have a big/small house/apartment in the city/country with several dogs/cats... " yadda yadda yadda. Have a good think about it now and put together an ideal scenario for your future. Then describe it to her. Having been there myself, I'd say she takes your response to her question as a sign that you cannot imagine a future with her. You need to reassure her that you can.