Side effects of a online relationship

babyinacorner90

Hey
So this is gonna be really hard to write so bear with me please guys...
So, back in may, this guy my age (18) added me online...
Now, Ive had friends who've had disasterous relationships online and I was very against them. But for some reason, that changed. And I forgot my rule of no online dating and what not....

He was from the other side of the country and that was a big problem obviously. Here was this great guy, I had so much in common with and he lived no where near me.
Then, he told me he loved me. And I was taken aback.
I didnt feel that way but said it back anyway and eventually, I kinda did develop those feelings. Whether it was the mystery or what...I felt something.
But he had a flaw.
He would change his feelings towards me over and over. It was migraine worthy. And it was all about not being close to me....
So, I just went with it. One minute we'd be friends, the next we'd be "back on".
He organised to come and see me.
Which was great I thought at the time, because I was dazed.
He came down and we got on great....all my nerves and all had evaporated..I was delighted.
4 days later, after he went home, he broke up with me abruptly.
I was destroyed.
He wanted to keep contact up but I blew a fuse a week later and I had words with him. My friend woke me up and pointed out he was keeping me on the side until something better came along.
I havent heard from him since.
And Im feeling...not myself
After I was done with the crying, I had a hole in my chest and it hurt. Im doing the Leaving and sometimes, I cant sleep at night because i cant stop thinking what if or what I should have said or how my hurt could of been avoided...My confidence is at an all time low these days compared to what it was. Im constantly critising myself, my appearance, my friend choices, lifestyle and how I could of kept him. Sometimes, Im my worst enemy. I have even speculated he dumped me all because of my looks and of course, the weight monster has raised its ugly head, which has resulted in me starving somedays...
Is it possible for someone to have a huge impact on your life, having only met them literally once in person?!!
I feel stupid as I was always self assured and knew where I stood in regards to guys and knew what was right and what wasnt.
He treated me horribly and called all the shots, leaving me hanging. He always did something and then turned it on me and I said sorry. So, he wasnt that great really....
I bury my head in my pillow at the thought of how stupid I was to fall into the trap. I feel if I dont forget this soon, it will take its toll.
Its been 4months since I heard from him. I dont think I ever want to hear from him ever again.
Question is, how can I rise up from the ashes of this disaster and forget my stupidity.....
How can I forget everything?

rathbaner

You just have to believe in yourself.

This guy is just some random eejit. He doesn't really know you.

You know what's precious about you. Find it. Believe in it. Let it breathe.

Look in the mirror inhale deeply and tell yourself.

"This ends now!"

And start over.

Just rip that page out of your life story and chuck it away.

Red Hand

Well, he showed his true colours eventually.

I'd advice you to throw yourself into whatever activities you enjoy doing, so as to take your mind off him. Maybe its not the healthiest thing to do, but thats what I'd do...use bad feelings he generated and make them work for you in a positive way like the Leaving or something.

babyinacorner90

Jeremiah 16:1 wrote: »

Well, he showed his true colours eventually.

I'd advice you to throw yourself into whatever activities you enjoy doing, so as to take your mind off him. Maybe its not the healthiest thing to do, but thats what I'd do...use bad feelings he generated and make them work for you in a positive way like the Leaving or something.

I cant turn around and deal with an imaginary relationship I never had. So, you are right about throwing myself into the leaving...But...I dont know what it is. When we texted or whatever we were in our own world (sounds so unhealthy I know, and I recognise this), but its like Im stuck in this little world even though I dont want to be. Its scary how someone can screw up the balance you have....:eek:

magneticimpulse

well at least your learning this at 18...im 28 and had a similar experience recently. still kinda thinking whether i should contact the guy. but your thread reminds me of all the bad things about my ex. anyway, i soon realised that my ex is making plans to travel and see the world. so i suspect the guy you met, prob just thought he wanted to do more stuff before getting into a relationship. it be much easier if guys were more honest instead of leaving us girls wondering whats wrong with us!! seriously i dont think it even enters their heads. they are too busy thinking about football, beer and tv to notice. you are beautiful and wonderful as you are, dont try to change it because thats who you are. love yourself and others will love you too

babyinacorner90

magneticimpulse wrote: »

well at least your learning this at 18...im 28 and had a similar experience recently. still kinda thinking whether i should contact the guy. but your thread reminds me of all the bad things about my ex. anyway, i soon realised that my ex is making plans to travel and see the world. so i suspect the guy you met, prob just thought he wanted to do more stuff before getting into a relationship. it be much easier if guys were more honest instead of leaving us girls wondering whats wrong with us!! seriously i dont think it even enters their heads. they are too busy thinking about football, beer and tv to notice. you are beautiful and wonderful as you are, dont try to change it because thats who you are. love yourself and others will love you too

hey
apparently he wanted to get into a relationship but complained about the distance. Like, he started the relationship not me! He knew...
It has really messed me up.. .. Everyday I think about it.
Look, its gotten to the point the image of "would he know if i died" comes into my mind alot..I know this sounds weird but it really affected me!
Im not sucidial at all! But its like an alarm clock really. Its..scary.. I mean any extreme that would bring him back pops into my head and I sound like a psycho but i dont welcome these thoughts

Liam Byrne

OK, I'm probably gonna get hated for this, but

He would change his feelings towards me over and over. It was migraine worthy. And it was all about not being close to me....
So, I just went with it. One minute we'd be friends, the next we'd be "back on".

He organised to come and see me.

How can you be "on" or "off" with someone you haven't even met ?

It sounds like ye got in touch online, went way OTT as to what that meant, and then met up, at which stage there either wasn't enough there or the reality of the distance hit him, so end of. After one date, as far as I can see.

Which could easily have been the case if you'd been the one that had to travel.

So a little realism wouldn't go astray.

Ye had one date.

Oh, and....

magneticimpulse wrote:

it be much easier if guys were more honest instead of leaving us girls wondering whats wrong with us!! seriously i dont think it even enters their heads. they are too busy thinking about football, beer and tv to notice.

...is the biggest load of rubbish that I've ever heard! LOADS of people play stupid games - INCLUDING GIRLS / WOMEN. LOADS of people are self-centered - INCLUDING GIRLS/WOMEN.

"too busy thinking about football, beer and tv" :rolleyes:

How about "too busy thinking about X-factor, shopping, shoes, gossip, material things, being prick-teases, having the cattiest put-down in front of their mates, ridiculous and unrealistic romance novel relationships, reading into the ups and downs of life as to whether someone loves them 'enough' (whatever that is) " ?

How about just acknowledging that people are different, regardless of what sex they are ? Some are idiots, some are irritating, and some are decent.

LegacyUser

hmm it sounds tricky! I agree with poster above, maybe they went "OTT" but the OP said he was the one who said he loved her? It seems he wanted her on side and had bad days and good days where she suffered. Seems to me, IMO, HE was the one that went OTT.
And then he ditched her. I can see how that would effect someone but why did this guy change your "rules"? What did he say to draw her in to the point she feels this way now? I agree with every poster here but i think this is a horrible situation to find yourself . Maybe it was all too deep for the OP's own good?
OP, forget him.

babyinacorner90

Liam Byrne wrote: »

OK, I'm probably gonna get hated for this, but



How can you be "on" or "off" with someone you haven't even met ?

It sounds like ye got in touch online, went way OTT as to what that meant, and then met up, at which stage there either wasn't enough there or the reality of the distance hit him, so end of. After one date, as far as I can see.

Which could easily have been the case if you'd been the one that had to travel.

So a little realism wouldn't go astray.

Ye had one date.

I knew people would think this was silly..........
Your right:o. And I actually asked myself at the time "how can you be on and off with someone you never met" ....I guess it was too deep rooted to see..It was like a bubble. Texting everyday etc..:eek:
But, how do you mean "wasnt enough"?

NightOwl91

forget this guy. Seriously. What kind of geniune, nice guy would do that? The answer is no nice guy would.
This guy sounds ridiculous. HE adds you. HE tells you he loves you. HE changes his mind. HE does the damage. HE acts like everything is great and like a coward, goes home when your not infront of him and breaks up with you? Coward!!!!!:D
My advice is to forget this guy. This was a silly blooper! I mean, you sound like you know you can do better. I agree with Liam Byrne, how can you be on and off? But I think, from what Ive read, maybe you guys talked so much about being together, then when you were together, it "wasnt enough" ..Correct me if Im wrong
And you nailed it. You were in a bubble. And he left the bubble after drawing you in.
Forget him. You can do better!!
As for the "thoughts", you dont want his attention again. As T.I said, live your life.
Seriously, get out of this hole before it ruins your outlook on relationships.

LegacyUser

NightOwl91 wrote: »

As for the "thoughts", you dont want his attention again. As T.I said, live your life.
Seriously, get out of this hole before it ruins your outlook on relationships.

completely agreed. y should you be miserable? hes the loser in this not you!!!!
Y should you be thinking thoughts to get his attention#?!!! no way hun! pick urself up and brush urself down!!!!!!!!!! look, you got fooled into an idea of a relationship...you not the first to fall into a trap. Theres millions of guys out there and the one for you is waiting for u to get over this and find him, sounds cheesy but true

Darthhoob

online relationships can work (i met my partner online...6 years ago tomorrow ), but just like any other way of dating you will meet some numpties....i'm afraid it seems you have met one

only problem is with online relationships is you tend to invest more time in them before knowing what the other person is REALLY like. so as soon as something doesn;t add up..get out of there.

Victor

Folks less of the txt spk please.

Chinafoot

babyinacorner90 wrote: »

hey
apparently he wanted to get into a relationship but complained about the distance. Like, he started the relationship not me! He knew...
It has really messed me up.. .. Everyday I think about it.
Look, its gotten to the point the image of "would he know if i died" comes into my mind alot..I know this sounds weird but it really affected me!
Im not sucidial at all! But its like an alarm clock really. Its..scary.. I mean any extreme that would bring him back pops into my head and I sound like a psycho but i dont welcome these thoughts

OP, how was your confidence *before* this man came into your life? I could be way off but it sounds like you had very low self-esteem and you threw yourself into this as you had the safety of distance. By not meeting up you both got to live out this fictional romance without really getting involved. Unfortunately it seems you (both) got carried away with things and got a little too wrapped up in something that wasn't real.

I had a friend with very low self-esteem and she was terrified of putting herself out there when she met a fella she liked. She seemed to go through these phases of being mad about fellas we hung around with. She knew in her heart that nothing was every going to happen with these lads (she said so herself afterwards) and thats why she focused on them. She was too scared to go after anything real.

This man that you met does seem like a bit of a tool. Telling you he loved you and then being off with you is ridiculous and he needs to grow up. When he dumped you after you met up it might have been a case of the fantasy not living up to the reality. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but rather that he had created something in his head that wasn't real.

You are also guilty of this. The reason I question your confidence prior to this is because of how extremely it appears to have affected you. I don't mean to belittle your feelings but it all sounds so melodramatic. You got caught up in something that wasn't real. You built it up into something it wasn't and now you need to let that go. I don't really believe this has anything to do with your feelings for this guy in particular but rather your own lack of esteem and your worry over what he, and people in general, thinks of you.

I'm not being down on online relationships, myself and my partner of 4 and half years met online. But as far as we were concerned, while we chatted online and got on brilliantly, there was no relationship until we met in person and went from there.

Time to stop living in your head.

babyinacorner90

Chinafoot wrote: »

OP, how was your confidence *before* this man came into your life? I could be way off but it sounds like you had very low self-esteem and you threw yourself into this as you had the safety of distance. By not meeting up you both got to live out this fictional romance without really getting involved. Unfortunately it seems you (both) got carried away with things and got a little too wrapped up in something that wasn't real.

I had a friend with very low self-esteem and she was terrified of putting herself out there when she met a fella she liked. She seemed to go through these phases of being mad about fellas we hung around with. She knew in her heart that nothing was every going to happen with these lads (she said so herself afterwards) and thats why she focused on them. She was too scared to go after anything real.

This man that you met does seem like a bit of a tool. Telling you he loved you and then being off with you is ridiculous and he needs to grow up. When he dumped you after you met up it might have been a case of the fantasy not living up to the reality. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but rather that he had created something in his head that wasn't real.

You are also guilty of this. The reason I question your confidence prior to this is because of how extremely it appears to have affected you. I don't mean to belittle your feelings but it all sounds so melodramatic. You got caught up in something that wasn't real. You built it up into something it wasn't and now you need to let that go. I don't really believe this has anything to do with your feelings for this guy in particular but rather your own lack of esteem and your worry over what he, and people in general, thinks of you.

I'm not being down on online relationships, myself and my partner of 4 and half years met online. But as far as we were concerned, while we chatted online and got on brilliantly, there was no relationship until we met in person and went from there.

Time to stop living in your head.

My confidence was fine. I know this isnt normal. I was fine until he broke up with me ...but i do live in my head alot. But not weirdly, im just think alot:P

Chinafoot

babyinacorner90 wrote: »

My confidence was fine. I know this isnt normal. I was fine until he broke up with me ...but i do live in my head alot. But not weirdly, im just think alot:P

It sounds more like overthinking in this case. Can you see that the relationship wasn't real? You had one date in person, chances are things were different to how they were online. Thats to be expected. He then ended it, which is his perogative.

I really, really don't mean to offend but you seem to be bordering on wallowing territory.

Liam Byrne

babyinacorner90 wrote: »

I was fine until he broke up with me

Again, I'll point out that the above would be perfectly understandable if you had an actual relationship.

But the phrase "broke up" doesn't even apply, because you only had one date.

TBH, if someone I was chatting to online said that they "loved" me, I'd run a mile!

babyinacorner90

Liam Byrne wrote: »

TBH, if someone I was chatting to online said that they "loved" me, I'd run a mile!

Yeah, lookin back at it now, I should of..defo!

Darthhoob

dont feel bad...live and learn from it

the amount of times i heard 'i love you' before or shortly after meeting a bloke (mostly online) make me wanna scream with embarrassment!

hindsight is awesome!