married 2 years, no more intimacy

LegacyUser

hi all,
could do with a bit of advice, married just over 2 years and have an 18month old daughter. since the birth, my wife went of sex for a while which is understandable-due to a difficult birth. We had it again after about 6 or 7 months (is that too long? i dont know). so, at the start of this year I was hoping that things would go back to normal (about twice a week on average). It never happened though, she made her excuses or else she had her ipod plugged in as soon as we went to bed. The times that we were intimate were great and she seemed really into it. I asked her last week was she gone off me and she said no. she told me that it hurt her to have sex and that she avoids it. now, she wont go and see her gp as she says shes too embarrassed. I am left frustrated sexually and dont know what to do or say, knowing that there will be no sex, we are only in our late 20's and the thought of a sexless marriage scares me. Any advice on how I could ask my wife to see a doctor? has any mother here been through something similar?
help.

jellyboy

wen men dont get sex in a realship ,they take it on a personal level and make it a rejection of the person and thats when the rots sets in...

womens sexuauillty is much different to mens...women want romance ,a build up,to be understood...to be taken out of the mother role ,

to be put on the godess pedastal...

if it hurts her then dude the last thing she needs is grunts and groans...
try to understand why it is hurting for her? is it medical? etc ..
try to be compassinte

Love her for being a woman,embrace the gifts she has...

show her what a true man is....

OS119

jellyboy wrote: »

wen men dont get sex in a realship ,they take it on a personal level and make it a rejection of the person and thats when the rots sets in...

womens sexuauillty is much different to mens...women want romance ,a build up,to be understood...to be taken out of the mother role ,

to be put on the godess pedastal...

if it hurts her then dude the last thing she needs is grunts and groans...
try to understand why it is hurting for her? is it medical? etc ..
try to be compassinte

Love her for being a woman,embrace the gifts she has...

show her what a true man is....

yada yada yada. shite.

OP, if it hurts your wife to have sex since childbirth she needs to see a Doctor, and for far more important reasons than you not getting any.

minidazzler

jellyboy wrote: »

wen men dont get sex in a realship ,they take it on a personal level and make it a rejection of the person and thats when the rots sets in...

womens sexuauillty is much different to mens...women want romance ,a build up,to be understood...to be taken out of the mother role ,

to be put on the godess pedastal...

if it hurts her then dude the last thing she needs is grunts and groans...
try to understand why it is hurting for her? is it medical? etc ..
try to be compassinte

Love her for being a woman,embrace the gifts she has...

show her what a true man is....

TBH, He has been Compassionate....7 months with no sex. Then barely any. That is plenty compassionate, which is why his question was how does he get her to go to the Doctor for this. which if she is in pain, she should see her OB/Gyn.

ash23

Sit her down and talk to her.
Tell her that you understand it hurts her to have sex but you are missing the intimacy etc. Don't give her an ultimatum or anything as that'll get her back up. But just say you're worried about this, that sex is very important to you and that you are willing to do anything she may need. Really emphasise that you miss being close to her and how this lack of sex is affecting you.

Ask her to reconsider going to the doctor to get things checked out.

She had a baby, there are loads of changes. Hormonal, physical, emotional. Just talk to her but do it delicately so that she doesn't feel like she's being attacked or get defensive. Just assure her you adore her and that you love having sex with her, think she's gorgeous etc etc. but that you are struggling with the lack of sex.

writestoomuch

+1 to ash23's response above.

The only thing I can add is that if she really is too embarrassed to see someone face to face then perhaps she could start off by looking online...? I've had a lot of luck with help-sites and forums for women's sexual issues. You'll always find a hundred other worried ladies with the same problems as you, and at the very least it helps you get a feel for what the causes might be and what options are open to you.

Let me stress that I in no way regard this as a replacement for seeing a professional, and that if it's a physical thing I agree she needs to see her GP. But issues with sex post child birth are immensely common, and perhaps reading the advice of professionals and the experiences of other women will help her realise there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Good luck.

Miss Fluff

Fair play to you that you are on here asking for advice. The amount of married men in town every weekend chasing skirt is a testament to how common this problem would appear to be and good on you for seeking help rather than going chasing your swiss roll elsewhere.

If she genuinely finds sex painful then it is important she goes back to her GP or Gynae to establish where this problem stems from. From reading your OP though, you say that she seemed really into it when you did have sex (assuming it wasn't painful) so there could be a possibility that she is using painful sex now as an excuse not to have it. This could be down to post natal depression, exhaustion, low body image and a plethora of other things.

Rather than approach it with a "have you gone off me" and making it about you, why don't you make it about her and find out what is really going on. It is completely unnatural not to be having sex in your late 20s so you do need to get this sorted, but changing the way you are approaching it may lead to a resolution quicker. Hope you get it sorted!

DubLass

I would talk to her and explain how the lack of intimacy is damaging your relationship, if sex hurts her which it may well do she needs medical help, its quite common and she shouldnt be embarrassed, if she doesnt want to go to her gp she can go to the wellwoman, be supportive and tell her you love her and miss the intimacy with her. Good luck.

John Mason

jellyboy wrote: »

wen men dont get sex in a realship ,they take it on a personal level and make it a rejection of the person and thats when the rots sets in...

womens sexuauillty is much different to mens...women want romance ,a build up,to be understood...to be taken out of the mother role ,

to be put on the godess pedastal...

if it hurts her then dude the last thing she needs is grunts and groans...
try to understand why it is hurting for her? is it medical? etc ..
try to be compassinte

Love her for being a woman,embrace the gifts she has...

show her what a true man is....

blah, blah blah

OP how is wife coping with her new role as mother ?

she might have PND or just overly stressed by the new situation.

If she is geninue about the pain, then you need to get to her a doctor immediately.

but you need to talk to her calmly without being overbearing. Ask her how she is feeling - not about your feelings at first.

good luck, i hope your wife knows how lucky she is

jellyboy

guest 1 wrote: »

hi all,

could do with a bit of advice, married just over 2 years and have an 18month old daughter. since the birth, my wife went of sex for a while which is understandable-due to a difficult birth. We had it again after about 6 or 7 months (is that too long? i dont know).

No set rules its called life..

so, at the start of this year I was hoping that things would go back to normal (about twice a week on average). It never happened though, she made her excuses or else she had her ipod plugged in as soon as we went to bed.

its your wants,did you sit there with fingers crossed wishing it would happen or were u proactive in helping resolve the problem

The times that we were intimate were great and she seemed really into it

.

Again your view,women can be great actors...did you really really ask her?

I asked her last week was she gone off me and she said no. she told me that it hurt her to have sex and that she avoids it. now, she wont go and see her gp as she says shes too embarrassed

.


Again i have to point out that its you centred,you want her to see her gp,she doesnt....At least not till she is ready,Maybe she might think that you only want her to see the gp only so she can have sex with her?

I am left frustrated sexually and dont know what to do or say, knowing that there will be no sex, we are only in our late 20's and the thought of a sexless marriage scares me.

Again its you centred, allready you are projecting into the futre and putting a negative view..are you so angry at her for not giving you sex that you dont want it to work?

Any advice on how I could ask my wife to see a doctor?

Doesnt she have her own mind? marrige isnt all about one person...

has any mother here been through something similar?

maybe im missing somthing here ,but shouldnt you be seekin advice from dads?......

magneticimpulse

ive never had a child, so i cant imagine the pain she could be in. but its a wonder why she wont go to the GP? why would she be embarrassed now? she gave birth and would have had lots of check ups and GPs checking the progress of the baby, so i find it a wonder how she could be embarrassed now after she gave birth? seems bit more to it than that. like some other posters said, her hormones would have taken a complete toll on her body. women can struggle to keep their hormones in check even without baby, so after one, it must be difficult. fair play as well for being faithful to your wife during this time. i think you should try and approach it that she should see the GP.

Forgive me on this one, (i havnt a clue of the needs of a 18 months old) but how depended is your child? Do you need to feed it at night? Is it in the same room or its own room? Does your wife need sleep because the baby is using all her energy? Do you have a babysitter or parents who can look after the baby for a night so you and your wife can have some alone time? Does your wife not want to wake the baby by you 2 making noise? Can you use other types of love making, gentle vibrators, massage, candles, which will put her in better form? Seems to me theres lots of possibilities why she is not having sex.

gizmobilly

is thers medication for low sex drive?