Just had to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do

LegacyUser

My father is an alcoholic and has been getting progressively worse for the last 10-15 years. I'm in my mid twenties and still living at home. Up until about 5 years ago he might have 4/5 binges per year and that would be that, and we would still have many good family times inbetween. It has always hung over us like a dead weight however even before then however. One of my earliest memories is him driving to the beach, and I was terrified because I knew he'd been drinking (would have been 7 or 8 at time). He worsened to the point that for the last 3 years I can't remember a family occasion/gathering/celebration where he was not drunk. He has lost his business because of his drinking, and basically unemployable, as well as running up gigantic expenses using his own business accounts (which he was lucky to get settled rather than a more severe punishment). He has ruined the family financially and broken my mum's health. She thankfully has all assets in her name and a full time job and is a saint, but of course its harder for her to let go as she loves the guy. He has been to everything from AA to numerous rounds of extensive rehab in Ireland to no avail. About a year ago he was diagnosed with bipolar depression and treated, and things seemed to go well for awhile. But the inevitable slip came, and then another and then another. It doesn't matter whether its someone's birthday, someone coming home from holiday, someone in hospital or sick at home. Drink rules him absolutely.

Its not like he was a bad father in the earlier years, he was really great but that side of him is gone I fear.

It came to head a week ago when he refused to go into rehab (despite it being offered by his counsellor type person). He insisted on leaving (drunk all the time of course) and went to stay in his friend's empty apartment on the dodgy side of town (the friend must be crazy). Anyhow he showed up at the door tonight, knocking asking to be let home and given one more chance. We have given him hundreds of chances, my mum taking him back each time and my siblings and I by default. This time everyone was tougher but when I saw him at the door I said to my mum (who hadjust gone to bed after working all day) that he was there and I was driving him back. She didn't argue. So I opened door and told him to get in car and drove him back to the apartment.

For all my toughness, "old neurological pathways die hard" as they say. It really was heartbreaking to drive away and watch him standing on that dark street outside a dingy apartment. I'm crying my eyes out as I'm typing this. Will he be attacked (happened before I ran into him in town and had to take him to a&e) or commit suicide? I feel like I'm a terrible son in a way but equally want to protect my family. The only thing as extreme as this before is that when a guard called to say he been arrested for drunk and disorderly (never charged thankfully), I refused to go get him, feeling a night in the tank might motivate him. If he committed suicide in the morning I don't know how I'd feel though.

I'm not sure why I typed all this or put it up here, guess I'm just under a lot of stress. Recent flood damage combined with as of tonight a broken drainage system in our house that I will either have to try fix tomorrow or spend money we don't have on, combined with him showing up got me down I guess. Anyway thanks for reading.

dory

Wow, I wish I knew what to say.
Lots of famiies have to go through this, my own included.
You just have to hope that he will get through it and this might be the kick he needs.
My father had to be threatened with losing his job to go to rehab. Maybe yours too needs something to really motivate him. A few nights away from the family might help.

My thoughts are with you, I know it's not easy.

drusk

God, that sounds terrible.

Although you feel awful, you did the right thing. It's natural to be worried, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your father is a grown man who makes his own decisions.

As hard as all of this may be, and as worried and terrible you may feel - just know that you stood up for what is right, which is incredibly tough in a situation such as yours. You did the right thing and whatever you do, don't feel guilty - you're not the one who should have regrets here.

Fiend-Foe

Well done OP, I know its very hard for you but you were brave and did the right thing.

Don't spend your time feeling bad or worrying about your father, he can only help himself now. Nobody else can do anything.

Look after your mother, do something nice for her. Maybe take her out for a meal or go shopping coming up to Christmas or something.

Best of luck, my thoughts are with you and your mother, and your father too. I hope you all come out the other side ok.

Kimia

Hi OP, I know exactly how you feel. The guilt is unreal and the hope that will never go away.

I'm trying to detach myself from my situation. The only person that can help the alcoholic is themselves, you cannot help them, or fix them. They have to make the decision for themselves, which is why it's so frustrating because you'd move heaven and earth to do it for them but you can't.

Try and detach with love. Accept that there is absolutely nothing in the world that you (or your mother, or the rest of your family) can do, and detach. You took a big step towards this by leaving him at the friends house so fair play. And try not to feel guilty about detaching. Enabling him for so long will make it hard, but do it for your own sanity. Best of luck.

MadMoss

Hi there OP,
I think you did the right thing. The trick with alcoholism is to try and break the cycle, this however is easier said than done. This can be a long road though, I suggest some help and advice would make the world of difference. The rutland centre provide a meeting once a week or so for family members affected, it's free although you are encouraged to make a donation of whatever you can. In my own case it made all the difference. The web site is here :
http://www.rutlandcentre.ie/

All the best.

Taltos

OP

You definitely did the right thing.
No matter what happens in the future - you know that by giving in you cannot help him. Tough love is the only option. - Know this from experience.

As to what if something else were to happen. Well unfort bad things do occur - but if - and I really mean if - something were to happen it will NOT be your fault or your mums or your families. It will be his.

Trying to take on the responsibility for these bad things just takes the ownership from the person making the choices - your dad.

Be strong - it might get worse before it gets better. But sometimes you just have to draw that line and defend it. There are great services out there - please use them. In my case our gp took care of everything - but for yourselves to start putting yourselves back together maybe try someone like Alanon.

All the best.
T

LegacyUser

Op, I could have written exactly the same story! It is my mother who is the alcoholic. She too has been through rehab, has been arrested and charged, has bankrupted my father, has attempted suicide several times and has countless secondary illnesses which have almost killed her.

You did exactly the right thing. Please dont worry too much or blame yourself should anything further go wrong. Alcoholics drink because they want to, they have the choice to stop. I'm sure you are sick of the lies, deceit, manipulation, Garda visits, and general craziness which I and my family are painfully used to.

At some stage the alcoholic has to want to help themselves. You can't convince your Dad to stop drinking but you can make clear to him that his behaviour is totally unacceptable to you and your family. Be content that you have already tried everything in your power to help him quit drinking and don't go hard on yourself.

Sometimes I wish that there was a forum for alcoholism on this site as I imagine there are so many people in Ireland affected by this disgusting addiction that would love to have a place to vent or share experiences with others as anonomously (sp?) as possible.

Oh well.

foxyboxer

My father is exactly how you describe OP.
He is currently living out of the house (We don't know where, won't tell us)
He doesn't pay any money for the upkeep of the house.
My mother is quite religious and does not want to get a divorce or a seperation. The marriage is pretty much over.
He denies that he has any problem but given any significant sum of money he would drink the lot of it on a month to month binge. Thankfully he was never physical with my mother, but he has threatened violence in the past and needless to say I have had fights (fist fights) with him in the past. Even this does not tell him that he has a problem.

He blames my mother for a lot of things, but despite the nagging (it's their generation, she just means well), she is a saint to put up with it. A lesser woman would have had him divorced 2 decades ago such is his character.
An intelligent man when sober, but in drink a habitual liar, a foul mouthed emotionally bullying drunk. His own family have long since dis-owned him and in recent years he has expanded into habitual marijuana use. Confronted about this, the lies flowed just as eloquently.

I feel that there is nothing I can currently do to help him, all my help is to provide emotional and financial support to my mother.

I never really had a relationship with him growing up and don't feel any love. He actually accused me of being gay a few years back as I was single at the time. Just goes to show how little he knows me.

Last christmas he left the house for the first time and didn't come back for a week. He could have been at the bottom of the river for all we knew, such is his respect for us as a family.

He has the biggest ego of any person I have ever met and I believe that he drinks because of his unrealised potential. He is now in his 60's and his prime working years were the 70's and 80's which in Ireland was not the best time to be in your prime. He went from job to job but could never hold anything down long term and was on social welfare for years. I'm pretty much fed up of his behaviour at this stage and consider him a lost cause.

He refuses to acknowledge his problem and seek help which IS available. My primary concern now is for my mother's emotional well being and providing the finances to keep a home (even though I don't live at home, and thankfully have a job at them moment).

Alcohol is a drug and is ruining countless homes in Ireland. The glamourisation of boozing and the cultural acceptance in Ireland sickens me personally as I can see what it has done to my own father.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I wish there was something I could say to make it all better.. I've been in your shoes, my dad is on the wagon nearly 6 years now (touch wood) but I've seen the cycle so many times, I know that sick feeling in your stomach watching the door and waiting to see if he comes home or not .. for a child it feels like your whole world is falling apart when they go binging..

I've watched my mothers heart breaking so many times because he fell off the wagon, it's just awful.. particualarly when they've been doing so well, when you get that drunken phone call or text message to say they've "just went for one 'cause someone was leaving the job" or some other lame excuse.. and you just don't know what state you'll have to see them come home in.. I used to spend my Fridays in school worrying, just because it was Friday and there was that possibility that I'd have to face a night of listening to the fighting.. and if he did come home I'd feel like I'd won the Lotto.. I used to actually feel physically sick walking down my road after school..

My mother is a very strong woman, but I don't know how she put up with years of his bullsh1t.. He's a completely different person when sober though, loveliest man you could ever meet, but with drink he turned into this condescending, antagonistic bastard who loved to get a rise out of her, that's when he was actually able to speak.. It was like 2 different people..

I don't know what made him stop the last time but it has been almost 6 years and he's doing great.. So don't give up all hope, maybe this will be the wake up call he needs, seeing his family finally throwing in the towel on him.. sad but "tough love" as the Americans call it might be the way..

Best of luck.. Just try and get on with your own life and take care of your mother xx

username123

Hi OP - you definitely did the right thing. My heart goes out to you, it must have been so hard. You ARE a good son, only a good son would be doing the right thing. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.

My own father was the same, worse if there is such a thing. I wish my mother had had the strength to make a stand, we all would have stood with her, but she kept letting him back in and back in and he just kept getting worse. Eventually his actions killed both of them. Thats what can happen when people dont make a stand.

You should go to Alanon if youre not going already - it really helps.

Just remember that what you had to do was because you knew that if you didnt break the cycle things woud get worse. This might give your father the chance to realise that he is losing his famiy unless he sorts himself out. He may decide not to sort himself out - but that is HIS choice, no action of yours has any impact on that choice - remember that.

DEEMAR

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you as I read your post. It must be an awful time for you and your family. I think the logical thing for you all is that your Dad had to go. He has had numerous opportunities, but as with so many alcoholics - the drink wins out and family takes 2nd place. You need to look after yourselves as a family and concentrate on moving forward. I realize that this is fine in theory, but in practice it is so hard, hence your feelings of guilt and fear for his wellbeing. Remember that (as someone else mentioned) he is an adult and only he can conquer this - there is absolutely NOTHING you or your Mother can do for him. The very best of luck to you all.