Advice: Friend gave birth after concealed pregnancy

LegacyUser

I need to go unreg and I am looking for any advice from anyone. I have been appointed as a go-to person by my group of friends.
A friend of mine gave birth to a child a couple of years ago after not telling anyone she was pregnant. She only told her family a week before she was due and as you can imagine they were completely shocked and she threw them into complete turmoil. None of us noticed she was pregnant, her mum asked her about it but she denied anything was wrong until she told her parents "officially". She is not a teenager, shes in her mid 20s. Long story short, she turned out to be a fantastic mum and really got her life back on track, met someone new and life was good.
Over the weekend I was told by another friend she has given birth to a second baby girl. None of us had a clue (once again) and her parents were not told until she had gone into labour-they were called by her partner from the labour ward. She had concealed this pregnancy from everyone and not even confided in anyone, despite the fact she knew we would have been supported, any of us would have sat with her through appointments, telling her parents etc, but she went through this totally alone once again-we are not sure if her partner knew or what the situation really is.
How can I help her? We've discussed this with our group and we think she needs some sort of psychological help. None of us are parents or have been pregnant so we are clueless as to how women react to pregnancy. I have done some Google searches but I don't know why she has done this for the second time or what she is going through. I thought the parenting forum might be best, but mods can move this if needed. I would appreciate any help so I can do whatever I can to assist her.
I should add, her first child is a happy, sunny little girl so I know she's a great mum and not harmful to children, but I know she needs some sort of mental health help. Please give me and my friends any comments that might be helpful.

Nevyn

I don't think that there is anything wrong with her not telling people if she didn't want to.
If she didn't want a fuss made and just wanted to get on with her life that is her choice and that of her partners.

IF she was consealing it from her dr and partner then it would be a concern, so why not ask her partner, why not ask her yourself?

LegacyUser

I have re-read the orginal post. I should have specified that my friend never acted as though she was pregnant, ie when we were out she drank the same as the rest of us, she went on several long-haul flights and didn't seem to adapt her lifestyle in any way. From the outside it would seem she either didn't care about looking after the pregnancy or was in some sort of denial that she would have to change her usual behaviour. The first pregnancy happened when she was still living at home, so you can imagine how difficult it was for her retired parents to have to take on having a baby in the house, something no one had prepared for (no nappies or bottles even, so we all rallied round).
I could understand this but why would she put herself through this a second time? Once again, drinking, flying to the State when she was eight months gone and only telling her parents at the very last minute. I just think its not that she didn't want any of us to know, which is fair enought, its that she didn't want to know herself-she didn't have anything ready for this baby either, as the pram, cot etc were all in her parents house (she has bought her own flat) and her mum told me there were no newborn baby things in the house so she had to help out once again.
I know privacy is one thing, but somthing feels very wrong about how she has acted.

ash23

A friend of mine did this too.
She got pregnant youngish (20) and didn't tell anyone until she was 8 months gone.
Like your friend, fab mother, met someone else etc.
Few years later she had another baby but never told anyone. She told me the week she was due. her partner knew but she didn't tell her mum etc.

She eloped too when they got married. I dont think she has any psychological issues at all. She loves her kids, she's a good mum and she's very happy. She just doesn't like fuss or to have attention on her.

I think the unplanned pregnancy leaves some scars with anyone who has had one. (I have). There is a stigma and a sense of shame that can be hard to overcome. Mine stemmed from the fact that although I knew her dad for a year, I knew very little about him. Nothing about his family etc. We were in college together and when I got pregnant he left, changed his number and I haven't seen him since.

Years later I still have a certain shame about that. I'm a great mum and a normal person (I think) but my hangups come out. I've no interest in people unless I know them or my friends know them. I have to know how to track them down basically. It was totally subconscious until one friend pointed it out to me I'm more aware of it now but still can't seem to change it.

Anyway, point is, your friend obviously felt ashamed about her first pregnancy which followed through to the 2nd. It doesn't mean she's a basketcase. It just means she has some underlying issues and just doesn't feel the same way about pregnancy as most.

LegacyUser

Thanks for reply, ash23. Do you not think drinking and going on long-haul flights while pregnant is something of concern? I think its very strange to do that, particularly when she knows what affect it could have on a baby she cares about and loves. Such behaviour seems not quite right to me, I understand not wanting a fuss and keeping things private, but she made no preparations or plans for the baby, no maternity leave booked from work, no hospital was selected for her to give birth (she was taken by ambulance to the nearest general hospital, which might mean she has had no antenatal contact) and nothing for a newborn was in the flat, so how was she planning to care for the new arrival? All the baby bits and bobs (cot etc) were in her mothers attic and she did not get anything new, all of which seems that she just did not think about what would happen after the birth. She has a child so its not like she would be breaking the news for the first time, and if she had told the little girl to expect a sister, kids being kids, she probably would have told her granny she was getting a new sister.
Its just a feeling, but she needs help and we are not sure how to approach her about this, beyond dropping up useful baby gifts and offering congratulations. Should we wait a while or maybe talk to her partner?

LegacyUser

Mods, I wonder if this could be moved to Personal Issues as I might get more traffic and replies-thanks.

ash23

whatshouldwedo? wrote: »

Thanks for reply, ash23. Do you not think drinking and going on long-haul flights while pregnant is something of concern? I think its very strange to do that, particularly when she knows what affect it could have on a baby she cares about and loves. Such behaviour seems not quite right to me, I understand not wanting a fuss and keeping things private, but she made no preparations or plans for the baby, no maternity leave booked from work, no hospital was selected for her to give birth (she was taken by ambulance to the nearest general hospital, which might mean she has had no antenatal contact) and nothing for a newborn was in the flat, so how was she planning to care for the new arrival? All the baby bits and bobs (cot etc) were in her mothers attic and she did not get anything new, all of which seems that she just did not think about what would happen after the birth. She has a child so its not like she would be breaking the news for the first time, and if she had told the little girl to expect a sister, kids being kids, she probably would have told her granny she was getting a new sister.
Its just a feeling, but she needs help and we are not sure how to approach her about this, beyond dropping up useful baby gifts and offering congratulations. Should we wait a while or maybe talk to her partner?

I just don't think that it's necessary at the moment to start discussing this. She clearly has issues about pregnancy. But tbh it's up to her partner imo to sort this out. It is very odd that she was drinking, not booking maternity leave and so on, but she obviously doesn't deal well with pregnancy for whatever reason.
It is something I would mention to her partner but not right now. She has just had a baby and is unlikely to be having another for at least 10 months. Let the fuss die down a bit and in a few weeks maybe just ask the partner was he surprised by the arrival? he might not have known she was pregnant either. If he says he wasn't then maybe just say that you're relieved it all went ok seeing as she had no prenatal care, was drinking etc. Enforce the point that they are lucky to have had a healthy baby but that if there's a next time they might want to look into getting a consultant, attending scans etc.
Say the same sort of things to her. Just give her a bit of space for now and then drop hints and mention it. But really, it's between her and her partner.

Nevyn

I think you should talk to her partner and her parents about your concerns and maybe the baby nurse for the area but you can't force her to get help with this.

January

Is it possible that she didn't know she was pregnant this time around?

LegacyUser

I am not sure if she knew she was pregnant. It might explain the situation, but the fact she already has a daughter and treated the first pregnancy in a similar manner is what is ringing alarm bell this time.
I am not worried for the baby, but if she has an issue about sex, pregnancy or relationships, I want to help her with it because I do think she has some problem we don't know about. I just know this is not normal behaviour for a women in her late 20s with a family and a supportive partner.

Khannie

Moved to PI by request.....

Miaireland

I don't mean this to sound harsh but op it is really not yours or your friends business.

I understand that you want the best for your friend but it is really up to her partner and parents to help her with this matter.

If she had no medical care before the birth I would guess the Hospital would notify Social Services/ she will also have had a public health nurse assigned to her.

Leave it up to them. As you said you and your friends are coming into this with little or no experience/knowledge and hence could do more harm than good.

Again, I don't mean my post to sound cruel or harsh.

Lollipops23

OP I think you're right to be concerned. Apart from anything else it's horribly unfair on her parents and friends to expect them to rally around (both times), especially if it affects her parent's lives.

It does sound like she just freaked and went in to denial, as she was acting so un-pregnant. Like another poster mentioned, perhaps let her settle down with the new baby before having a word,no matter what, she is a new mum and is probably shattered physically and emotionally!

It's one thing not wanting a fuss and enjoying your privacy, but she took some risks drinking, not attending a hospital and flying,that's really not ok.

Lady Davenport

I'm concerned she isn't taking care of herself and her babies while she is pregnant. I doubt that she is unaware each time she has been pregnant, and yet she continues to drink and putting her baby at risk. I can completely understand it if a mother to be doesn't want people fussing around her, but in this case is it possible that she doesn't want to be judged?

It's very strange alright, and you're a good friend to her for asking around about this. How well do you know her partner? Is it possible he could shed some shed some light on the matter?

LegacyUser

I really hope both kids are ok. They might appear ok now but I know someone with fetal alcohol syndrome who looks fine but it really has effected this persons mental ability. What is most worrying it she has done this twice. You should talk to her parents and OH in the future. Putting the health of a baby (and her self) at risk is very serious.

LegacyUser

hi OP, don't mean to sound harsh but what right do you or your friends have to ship her off for psychiatric help just because she wants her pregnancy kept to herself?? She has every right to do that if she wants, it's her life and probably a very big deal for her.
I mean her partner knew about it, and TBH her and him are about the only ones that this will affect directly so i don't really see the problem - apart from the drinking thing which isn't good, but again, that's her personal choice and there's not a lot you can do but be a friend to her by being supportive and not butting in.
Some people are very private and i speak from experience.
i realise you're all worried about her but really, she's the one you should be talking to, and individually as well... if you tell her that you and your group of friends are all worried and want her to go for psychiatric help then she'll probably feel ganged-up on and a tad insulted so tread carefully..

Billiejo

Miaireland wrote: »

I don't mean this to sound harsh but op it is really not yours or your friends business.

I understand that you want the best for your friend but it is really up to her partner and parents to help her with this matter.

If she had no medical care before the birth I would guess the Hospital would notify Social Services/ she will also have had a public health nurse assigned to her.

Leave it up to them. As you said you and your friends are coming into this with little or no experience/knowledge and hence could do more harm than good.

Again, I don't mean my post to sound cruel or harsh.

While I totally agree with Maireland's advice that this is what should happen- professional experience tells me never to assume anything, particularly with the 'Private V statutory' maternity choices available in Irish hospitals.

Unless hospital personnel (now hugely staffed with foreign and agency nurses including private consultant /Obstetricians) were specificely alerted to the current and past history, this pattern of behaviour may go unnoticed.
In addition, maternity patients don't have to give personal details if they don't wish. It's also common practice nowdays that new mothers can be discharged home within 6 hours after birth.

EG. How issues like this may go unnoticed.
Mother delivers by private consultation or arrives in Public Health Hospital in labour, delivers and is discharged 'home' after 6 hours having completed PKU on ward . Discharge info is faxed to PHN attached to 'home address area.
PHN visits address within 24 hours as is common practice but has no statutory 'rights', and family has the right to refuse PHN.
Or PHN finds family have 'left the address/area/country and/or may have left a correct or fictitious forwarding address. No follow up is done unless there is a request for the family records from professionals attached to the area where the family have moved to.

The issues described in the initial post is very worrying 'without all the facts'. Safeguarding Children can be very complex and the first rule in Protecting Children is information sharing.
Because Child Protection is everyones business and the Childs needs are paramount, on the balance of probability my professional opinion would be to share the concerns (written or verbal) with the appropriate services, (Public Health Nurses or Social Services), 'anonymously' if needs be.
Then you can be assured that behind the scenes the case will be looked at. If there is a case to answer when all the facts are collated any future problems can be averted.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies.
I do not want to pack her up and send her off to a psychiatric facility, she has been a great mum to her first little girl and I've no doubt she'll be a great mum to the second. My concern is for her general mental health, I'd be concerned about anyone who is pregnant but I don't think I'm alone in saying that my friend needs help. Mental health is the same as any other health issue, if she had a strange lump or an ongoing pain I'd be as concerned as I am about this.
Also, I am concerned about her parents. They are devastated that she has done this for the second time and wonder if she suffered some childhood trauma that they could have prevented or helped her with that has created such an abnormal attitude towards pregnancy. They are delighted to finally have grandchildren and would have not been worried about her as much as they are now had they been told. Remember, the first time the new arrival, while very much loved, threw the family home upside down, as at the time an elderly parent of her father's was also living there and needed special care too. She had nothing arranged and when she told her parents, they only had a week or so to get organised. I know people need privacy, but she relied very heavily on her parents for help and I don't think she would have gotten through this and sorted her life out without their help.
I have looked at the various crisis pregnancy websites but the issue of concealed pregnancy seems to mainly affect teenagers. She is in her late 20s and should she get pregnant again she should not be putting herself and her baby at risk. She should also not be expecting her parents to dig her out once again, as she has gone home to her parents and her mum is minding elder daughter. They are delighted to do it but knowing they had to do it in advance would have been nice-they are supposed to be on holiday but that was cancelled.

Satyr_The_Great

Nothing wrong with concealing the pregnancies.. She could have just wanted to avoid people fusing over her trying to do things for her when she just wanted to be left alone and get on with things. At the end of the day, its her baby, her choice and its up to her whether or not she wants to tell people.

Lollipops23

Satyr_The_Great wrote: »

Nothing wrong with concealing the pregnancies..

there's everything wrong with drinking/flying/not attending the doctor when pregnant,sorry but that's just the way it is. She could have had blood pressure issues or there could have been something wrong with the baby and whatever her reasons for wanting to keep the pregnancy to herself, she could have hurt herself or the baby.

And not telling her parents when she expected them to pitch in so much is plain selfish.

LegacyUser

I can't believe someone would hide a pregnancy in this day and age, how can you know you're not pregnant? Drinking and long flights during pregnancy are high-risk behaviours and this woman sounds like she doesn't care about her babies if this is how she treats them before they are even born.
Can you make an anonymous call to a public health nurse or HSE office? Someone with mental issues like these should not be in charge of children.