Boyfriend cheating

LegacyUser

I tried to post this but for some reason it didn't work, so I'm trying again, sorry if its up twice.

Ok, i'm going unreg for this but would like some help please coz i dont no what 2 do now.

Please bear with me its a long one and I'm sorry about this but I really don't know what to do.

Some background first:
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend - he lives abroad and we've been together for 2 years. I've given notice on my job and I'm moving over to him in 1 week. I have no job here now nothing and with the way the economy is I'm not going to get another one.

A long time ago I heard rumors about a girl and my boyf. I asked him about them and he denied it. I trusted him so believed him. We went on visiting back and forth, mainly me going to visit him. Plans were made for me to go over and I gave my notice into the company I work for. They have a replacement in already, I trained her. Now my boyf got drunk last night and rang me and mentioned something about that girl and I knew in my heart something wasn't right so I asked a few questions and he answered and he wasnt saying the same stuff as before it was different I asked some more questions and a big fight started and he hung up. I asked about it the next day and he said he couldnt remember the night before coz he was drunk. So I asked some more questions about this girl to him and again the answers were not the same as the night before or the first time it was brought up months ago. So I did something I shouldn't have, I looked at his emails (I know I shouldn't have but I just knew he wasn't being honest with me, I've never done it before). I don't want to go into detail but he was cheating on me (I'm not sure about now but he deffo was) So I rang him and told him I knew (I didnt mention the emails) and he denied it over and over, calling me mad saying that I had a problem and I was wrecking US. I found out some other stuff, but I don't want to go into detail here in case he looks at this website.

Now I don't know what to do, I don't have a job anymore my suitcase is packed to go over to him and my new job is lined up. I've been crying for hours now and I just don't know what to do. I've no job here and won't be able to get another one. My head is all over the place.

I'm sorry if this doesnt make sense but all I want is some advice please.

Silverfish

Hi OP, posts from unregistered users have to be pre-approved by a moderator, so they can take a short while to show up.


Just to add - I wouldnt go over just yet. Delay it if you can. You have confirmation that he did cheat on you, yet he's still denying it and turning it back onto you - that's not the basis of a good relationship at all.

jazzlewazzle

nothingleft wrote: »

I tried to post this but for some reason it didn't work, so I'm trying again, sorry if its up twice.

Ok, i'm going unreg for this but would like some help please coz i dont no what 2 do now.

Please bear with me its a long one and I'm sorry about this but I really don't know what to do.

Some background first:
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend - he lives abroad and we've been together for 2 years. I've given notice on my job and I'm moving over to him in 1 week. I have no job here now nothing and with the way the economy is I'm not going to get another one.

A long time ago I heard rumors about a girl and my boyf. I asked him about them and he denied it. I trusted him so believed him. We went on visiting back and forth, mainly me going to visit him. Plans were made for me to go over and I gave my notice into the company I work for. They have a replacement in already, I trained her. Now my boyf got drunk last night and rang me and mentioned something about that girl and I knew in my heart something wasn't right so I asked a few questions and he answered and he wasnt saying the same stuff as before it was different I asked some more questions and a big fight started and he hung up. I asked about it the next day and he said he couldnt remember the night before coz he was drunk. So I asked some more questions about this girl to him and again the answers were not the same as the night before or the first time it was brought up months ago. So I did something I shouldn't have, I looked at his emails (I know I shouldn't have but I just knew he wasn't being honest with me, I've never done it before). I don't want to go into detail but he was cheating on me (I'm not sure about now but he deffo was) So I rang him and told him I knew (I didnt mention the emails) and he denied it over and over, calling me mad saying that I had a problem and I was wrecking US. I found out some other stuff, but I don't want to go into detail here in case he looks at this website.

Now I don't know what to do, I don't have a job anymore my suitcase is packed to go over to him and my new job is lined up. I've been crying for hours now and I just don't know what to do. I've no job here and won't be able to get another one. My head is all over the place.

I'm sorry if this doesnt make sense but all I want is some advice please.

ok - as bad and all as things seem - things can only get worse if you go over to him. f*** him! pity you found out not but it would be worse if you moved over with him. take solace knowing that you are not as feeble as he is and that you would not do that to anyone,, start over i'm afraid.. but stay clear of him..

LegacyUser

jazzlewazzle wrote: »

ok - as bad and all as things seem - things can only get worse if you go over to him. f*** him! pity you found out not but it would be worse if you moved over with him. take solace knowing that you are not as feeble as he is and that you would not do that to anyone,, start over i'm afraid.. but stay clear of him..

Thanks for taking the time to reply but from where I am at the minute, everything is really really bad. I have nothing left, no boyfriend, no job, no money nothing. I gave it all up for him. I feel really stupid for believing him. I know I can't go over to him, but I've no job here (I dont want to go into details in case anyone knows me but I cant work in Ireland for 5 years, there is a valid reason but please don't ask me what it is, people will figure out who I am and I really don't want that). The job over there is a dream job and I'm not just saying that it really is a dream job, something that I would never get over here and the pay would have been 3 times what I was earning here.

I'm just an idiot for believing him. I asked him over and over was he sure about me and him, he had loads of opportunities to finish it with me but he didnt. I don't understand why he has done this. The other girl knows about me as well so I don't know what she wanted from him. I'm just so lost right now.

LegacyUser

I am really sorry for the way things have worked out...
It is really s*** to mfind that out, but thank god you did!!! I mean can you imagine moving over there, thinking things were all good and finding out then, he is a complete cheating so and so. I know things are bad job wose here, but there is more to life than a job, you will get something else here when you get back on your feet, no doubt in that, but i hope you are not still considering moving over to be with him and justifying this for a job?!?
No good will come of you going over to him, job or no job, be with people you can trust and will suppory you...
Mind yourself, i am so sorry this happened but it could have happened in two weeks, your not going to change a cheater by going over to him...

Moomoo1

Can you not go over there and live by yourself? With the dream job and all?

LegacyUser

I know I will be unpopular for saying this but:

1. He has had an affair. But he wants you otherwise he would be with this girl.

2. Sometimes relationships survive affairs, more often than people like to admit in fact, because people don't want to look foolish for staying around after an affair.

3. Sometimes you have to 'fight for' your relationship. You probably won't have to try too hard, you can just show up and you already have the moral highground.

4. You are facing a new country and a great job, you're a lucky girl. You can give your bf a three month limit, see how he acts and get comfortable in the new place.

5. He's swearing now that he hasn't been with her so leave it at that for now. Give him one last chance to tell you wants him and then work all this out when you see him face to face. I'd be tempted to tell him the truth about the emails, but do it face to face.

This is not an ideal way to start this, but you can start a new life with or without him and you have nothing to stick around here for. Obviously no one on the internet knows whats right or wrong for you but I just thought you should hear a different perspective.

pfishfood

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Can you not go over there and live by yourself? With the dream job and all?

I totally agree. If its a city or a large town theres every reason that you might never see him anyway if you chose to take the job. hope it all works out ok for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for everyone replying.

As you can see I can't sleep because of this. I just rang him and told him bits of what I know (I still didn't mention the emails) and he's still denying it. He said i'm making it up just to cause a row and then he asked me a question about her and I was able to answer it and he said i'm guessing. That I know nothing because there is nothing to know.
He asked how I know this stuff and I said I wasn't going to tell him, he siad it was because it was bulls++t.

I know I can't be with him anymore, we are finished, but he kept going on about the new job and me moving over. He thinks im just panicking about the move. I think I will go over after christmas and have it all out with him I want to see his face when I show him the proof.

As for the job I dont know if i could go there alone, I dont know anyone except for his friends and family. I'm 40 so its not like im a spring chicken but I dont have a job over here and can't work here for the forseeable future. I do know I have to get a job I've got substantial debts that I have to pay off and I dont think the bank would accept me saying my boyf is a lying cheating son of a bit+h as payment. I'm thinking of going to the UK I've a brother over there so I wouldn't be on my own and its not far from home either.

I'm still in shock over all of this I cant believe he's done this to me. He knew what I was leaving behind and still kept insisting I move over. Why would he do that? Why didn't he just finish it with me?? I don't understand this at all. And he knows I know about it now but still wont admit it, why why why.

I'm sorry for ranting I know I sound like a loony (right now I am one) but I'm just lost, my heart is broken and i'm so alone right now.

magneticimpulse

anyone who cheats on you shows they have lack of respect and you deserve better. the fact you have proof and he still denys it shows you got out in time and happy you didnt spend more time with this twit.

as for your options. best revenge is to go for the job anyway!! i was meant to go to the USA for J1 one summer and stay with my best friends brother. i got a dream job. she then tells me she got a job elsewhere in europe and said i was just using her and her brother to go to USA. I could have just stayed in ireland, miserable while she enjoyed her job abroad. but no, i went out to california for the dream job and never regretted it. i stayed with a lovely family and made lots of friends. not to mention the job and company look great on my CV. Any job that is available, i get because my CV stands out. if you can bare to go out, get the job and in meantime keep eye out for another job in ireland, you will have the best revenge ever and feel great. who needs a cheating boyfriend? your better off on your own at that rate. you also dont have to go to the place he is in, maybe you can choose another country or city to find a job? only ireland is in recession. the likes of france, germany dont have a recession.

otherwise you can just wait in ireland and look for another post. dont give up hope. im coming back to ireland to look for a job and believe it or not there are jobs in ireland if you look in the right place. ;o)

writestoomuch

OP, I am so sorry you have to go through something like this. My heart goes out to you. Like others have said, although it may not feel like it now, you're better off having found out, and it looks like you do have options open to you...

I just wanted to add one thing. You mention you haven't told him how you know. If it was me, I would own up to the email snooping in the hope of forcing him to come clean. When I found out about my ex's affair he initially tried to pull the same kind of crap on me -- just flat-out denied it and made out I was the crazy one. It's a classic panic reaction to a liar being found out, especially if they're desperate not to lose you. I'd found out by snooping too. I didn't try to pretend what I'd done was right, I simply stated calmly what I knew and how I knew it (this was also by phone). It caught him completely off guard. He had nothing to say. Literally couldn't speak for minutes. But it spurred him to come clean, once he knew he had nothing more to lose, and I got the whole story out of him. It helped me. A lot. Because while I still consider his actions to have been basically inexcusable, it helped me understand the "why" and "what" of it all and come to a place where I could forgive him as a human being, even if I no longer wanted to be with him as a boyfriend.

You've been terribly hurt and cannot understand how he could do this to you. Unfortunately you won't get the answers unless he volunteers them, and he probably won't do that until he knows he's got nothing to gain from lying anymore. Put him in a place where he can no longer deny it and you might get some of the answers you deserve.

Best of luck.

Moomoo1

OP, I'd still go (for the job). Even if you just spend a year there, even if you don't get on with the locals, you'll be in a _much_ more stable position financially at the end of it.

Wagon

If you want to head to the UK where you know people you are comfortable with, can get a job there too then go for that. I really can't see the sense in moving to a country where you were only really going to really go to be with your boyfriend and now you found out he's a cúnt. The main reason for moving there is now gone so my advice is to maybe go where you feel comfortable. You'll probably find somewhere in the UK to work so take comfort in that.

As for him, well...forget it. His constant denying about it means he is still playing his cards and he thinks he might be able to get away with it. I'm 99% positive he will do this again to you even if you're living with him. Some people are just useless. He is one of them. And im going to assume he's around your age too so add to that the fact that he isn't some randy eyed muppet in his early 20s who has the sole intention of riding anything with a pulse, he's a grown man and he knows exactly what he's doing. Honestly, moving to where he lives when you're this upset and hurt (even for a dream job) is a bad idea. You might find yourself trying to forgive him and from i can see, that will change nothing. Unless you are 100% sure that you will be able to handle living over there without him then i wouldn't recommend moving. Speaking from experience, being in a different country is very lonely at first and you will want company and seeing as how the only person you know there already is him then it could be a really bad idea.

And before anyone is ready to start having a go at me about how important a job is, i know. I know a job is important but i certainly think that matters of relationships are a lot more important and regardless of how fulfilled the professional life is, the love life certainly bloody isn't.

So given the current circumstances you should probably see where you would be happiest in life, and not just in a job. Think about it carefully and hard and then when you reach a decision, go with that. My girlfriend also lives abroad, im working to move to her country early next year again so i do know how much you had resting on this. I also know you deserve better than this fool and i also know that a man about his age will probably never ever change.

dublingal80

why didnt you tell him you read his emails so you know the truth!! If he confronts you as to why you did that, just tell him that he keeps changing his story when you ask him questions and you just got too suspicious.

regarding your job, well since you cant work here for 5 years and the job where he is located is your dream job, DEFINITELY go over!! I know its scary because you wont know anyone but you will meet people in your job, and take up something after work, like salsa dancing classes or something. It will introduce you to a big group of people in no time

Why do you want to show him the "proof"? If you arent getting back with him or even considering it, i would just cut all ties and move on and not give him any more of your time because he isnt worth it

Bazzy

i'll prob get torn apart but here's what i'd do

Go over and pretend everything is rosy in the garden,

Go behind his back like he has yours and find your own place with your new job etc you will soon make friends

Lady Davenport

It sounds like you are going through an utter nightmare, I feel so sorry for you. Firstly, I personally wouldn't try to continue a relationship with him. Some people are capable of working past something like this, and thats fine. But so far, you're still getting only half truths from him. I'd have more respect for him if he just came clean and answered your questions in such away that would even allow you to try to work it out. He just wants to bury this, and that would be impossible for me get beyond.

I have to say, I do like the idea of you going to stay with your brother. You'll be on neutral ground there. It would be the option I'd take, and I'd also cut all ties with him too. You absolutely should not just settle for going over there to him, just because you cannot stay here. And going over to work in the US without being with him.. well I just think you won't get a chance to think or repair from this situation, and he's likely to try weedle his way back in with you. You need to be brave about this, and make a new life for yourself. Theres a guy out there for you that won't cheat on you, and you truly deserve him. I do hope things work out for you.

Michael_K

nothingleft wrote: »

I tried to post this but for some reason it didn't work, so I'm trying again, sorry if its up twice.

Drop him, don't call don't return calls.

Miss Fluff

You've got absolutely nothing to lose by moving over. Accept your dream job and go over anyway, it's too good an opportunity to pass up.

Lorrs33

I agree, go over and find your own place. If the job is offering as much money as you say, you'll have no problem. Stay in a hotel in the meantime. He sounds like a horrible person, not just for doing this to you, but for accusing you of making it up when you clearly have proof.

LegacyUser

If the job is as good a dream job as you say, you owe it to yourself to move over. You will pick up friends etc in no time.

Sorry if i read this wrong but it just seems a little clear from what u found whether u know for sure he is cheating.
I think you need to go over and have it out with him in person. It's hard to sustain a relationship like that and communications can break down etc.

Go over....if things cant be salvaged with him and your miserable in your dream job, there is nothing stopping you coming back or going to the UK. If you dont you will be just wondering what if, about the relationship and the job!

LegacyUser

Hi, its the OP here thanks for everyone who has replied. It means so much to me.

He hasn't really been in contact with me, just the odd text message saying he'll help me out whatever way he can. I've phoned him a couple of times and he keeps saying nothing happened. I havent told him about the emails.

Looks like the uk is out for me, my bro is being let go after xmas and is coming home. I've been looking for a new job but can't seem to find anything. If i could even get a cash in hand job over here that would help me. I just dont know what to do anymore. I love him so much and I want him but I know I can't be with him, I'll never trust him again, don't know if I'll ever trust anyone again. I keep crying all the time and I'm getting really worried about a job now, I don't have much money left. I don't know what to do, I've made a big mess of everything.

LegacyUser

Me again sorry.

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever gotten back with a partner in a situation like this. Can you forgive and forget? He's the only person that I've ever truly loved and I don't want to loose him. I know I sound pathetic but its how I feel.

writestoomuch

Nothingleft wrote: »

I'm just wondering if anyone has ever gotten back with a partner in a situation like this. Can you forgive and forget? He's the only person that I've ever truly loved and I don't want to loose him. I know I sound pathetic but its how I feel.

I haven't done it (and probably wouldn't), but I know people who have.

It's doable, but it's not easy, and it takes both of you. Sure, you have to learn to trust again, but he has to demonstrate to you that he is worthy of that trust. For this process to even begin you have to have complete openness about what went on, and frankly I wouldn't even consider doing it unless you really truly believe that the guy is sorry and determined not to repeat his actions. You won't get anywhere with this unless he's willing to respect you enough to tell you the truth and stop thinking from his own selfish point of view. And he hasn't yet shown any signs of doing that.

My personal view would be to caution you to be strong and walk away from this one. It's natural to cling to what you had and yearn for everything to be how it was. But it's unlikely that it really would be after this. Especially with a guy who isn't adult enough to face up to the consequences of his own actions.

LegacyUser

I really miss him. I want him, i want the life we had planned together. I havent heard from him at all, I hoped he'd ring or text but nothing. I want to ring him but I know I shouldn't. I feel really awful i feel empty and don't know what to do next. I'm so alone right now. I wish I could wake up and this was a bad dream.

Sorry if I'm not making sense.

jazzlewazzle

nothingleft wrote: »

I really miss him. I want him, i want the life we had planned together. I havent heard from him at all, I hoped he'd ring or text but nothing. I want to ring him but I know I shouldn't. I feel really awful i feel empty and don't know what to do next. I'm so alone right now. I wish I could wake up and this was a bad dream.

Sorry if I'm not making sense.

ok - this may sound rude - I dont mean it to be - its just the net but you have to make your mind up to move on otherwise you will wreck your head.
I am sorry to say this but he obviously does not mind if you dont go over so why bother?
Have some dignity and end it - move on! You deserve better anyway.
You can go on the dole maybe while you sort yourself out financially.
Forget about him - you will get over him in time.

Look after yourself - he wont - you have stuff to sort out - forget about him.

Moomoo1

read the thread properly - she also has a fabulous job lined up over there.

jazzlewazzle

Moomoo1 wrote: »

read the thread properly - she also has a fabulous job lined up over there.

sorry about that - dream job - ok. and cant work here for 5 yrs. can you look for dream job else where?
I would say go over there but I doubt you will be able to stay away from him and i am afraid you will end up hurting more. and thing is it seems like he does not give a crap. can you look for dream job else where?