How do people cope?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I dont know what kind of advice im looking for here, just have to get this out as i am pretty alone in the world at the moment...
I posted here before about my relationship and how negative it was, my ex didnt want to be with me, not sure if ever and he was not very nice to me, basically living the life of a single person and having me on the side when the lads werent about. We have a child together so that made me have ALOT more patience for the mistreatent, i had some sense of guilt over being the one to walk away, even though i was the only on in the relationship most of the time.
Problem now is we have split up, following posting here actually, i started to put my foot down more and try to make him realise that things couldnt continue the way they were. And, shock, he finished with me, couldnt be bothered putting in the effort after the 5 years i invested!!
But now, i know i should be happy, positive that i am away from a destructive relationship, but im not, im completely crumbling, i think constantly focusing on trying to fix things, for so long had me ignoring the damage that was actually being done to my self-esteem. i cant stop crying and am finding it a serious struggle to get up in the morning. He doesnt seem to bat an eyelid that our family and future is gone, my daughter is asking me why cant we do things together etc and its breaking my heart all over again. Despite how horrible he was to me, i am sad to say i still loved him, its either that or the years of being taken for granted have just made me feel so completely worthless! i will be struggling finacially (i work full-time) but i was hanging on the hope that we would move in together and the pressure would be taken off and now its not ever going to happen, and its 4 weeks to christmas, i dont know what to do, we were going to spend christmas together, now i just cant face anything. I am thinking of giving our daughter to him for the hols and staying at home (my own home alone), i dont live near my parents and they are seperated anyway so christmas was always awkward, i just dont know what to do, i just wish this didnt hurt anymore!
How do recently seperated people deal with Christmas with limited family support? Why am i such a complete an utter mess over someone who made me feel like this? Is it really bad to just want to spend christmas at home alone? I am 25 but just dont know where to go from here, i feel so lost and useless terrible...
Breaking up sucks.... =(
(sorry for long post but any little helps...)

LegacyUser

i am going to have the Christmas on my own this year, no family here, my closed friend will be with her boyfriend, other friends will have their family. i thought of going to meet a friend in another country, we have known for long. but then since it's a guy and i am a lonely woman, i am afriad i will do silly thing even though i dont romantically like that guy, so i cancel the plan.

so i will be on my own this Christmas. maybe we can meet on the internet? ;-P

it's better to be on my own than to be with someone that make you sad always. the loneliness of oneself is much better than the harm and sadness that someone you love brings you. and you know he does not love you, right?

i'm at my early thirties by the way.

hang on there!

starchild

hi ya , breaking up really does suck alright, no question about that

but what would have sucked a lot more is if you spent the rest of your life in a destructive relationship that made you feel unloved and worthless.

You have started to stand up for yourself , be proud of that and remember if he couldnt rate you enough to change then he is not worth being with

I know it is hurting you a lot right now, but you will get through it and you will ultimately feel better. You may find that talking to your parents might help as they have gone through this. Talk to any friends you might have as it helps to get it all out , focus on you and your daughter, i would say spend xmas with her as you will probably regret it if you didnt

Most of all keep remembering that you are a good person who deserves to meet someone who will treat you right.

Canis Lupus

You said it yourself. Breaking up sucks even if the other half was a tosser. It'll be, and this won't help, a pit of suck for a bit but then one day (soon) you'll realise you haven't thought about the wanker in a bit and then you'll realise hey, I'm doing okay.

It'll be alright in the end. You've just got to put up with the ****ty sleepless nights etc for a bit.

Xmas by the by is just another day. If your kid is old enough to appreciate santa then enjoy that, forget the other rubbish.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies.
Things seem a but worse this time as i am loosing interest in m job, its the only thing i had! I dont feel motivated, i feel like quitting it and just trying to get away from where i live, i have no family and limited friends as alot of them are gone travelling and i have this serions down feeling, like im completely trapped here, i cant even afford where i live in the medium term so alot is going to have to change.
As for christmas, i love it, and i was really looking forward to it, but i do feel i am depriving her of spending her hols with a house full of people as it will be literally just me and her, i dooont even know if i could ook a christmas dinner!!! if she goes to her dad, she will get a full christmas with lots of people around, i cant compare to that and never will.
im starting to wonder if it would be better me stepping out altogether. She loves her dad, which is great, and i am such a mess now, i dont want ehr to have to grow up like i did with two [arents who dont speak to each other...
Not to mention when he moves on, this is a mightmare, and i wondered why i put up with the s***head for so long! it saved me heving to think about the alternatives, which all seem bad right now...

magneticimpulse

it seems like you have alot on your plate at the moment. i think talking to a councillor would help. they would be able to get you back into a routine and motivated again. i have found talking to someone brillant. maybe womens aid or an organisation can point you in a direction where councilling is free or not expensive. you are 25 and so much to live for. you will find someone new who respects you, which might take a bit of time. do you have a babysitter or family who can look after your daughter now and again? this would give you time to go out meet new people or old friends. you should definitely spend christmas with your family, your mam, brothers/sisters. definitely not alone and dont think about spending it alone. its just one day in the year like any other day.

LegacyUser

Hi, maybe you should let your ex take her for a weekend, just say your going away and spend sometime chilling out, you really need "ME" time to try and do a few things for you, get your hair done, your nails but you need a space to find your self. Thing have a habit of working themselves out weather he like it or not. ut in time you'll look back and smile of how things were. Just my 2C worth.

DubLass

Hard times at the moment and most of us go through the same kind of thing at some stage in our lives, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, dont be too hard on yourself, take care of yourself and be proud that you have come through this and look to the future, for your own sake and your child, theres something better out there for you.

Oh and the whole thing around Christmas is hard to do too, but make the effort even though its hard, your child loves you and will want to be with you, then allow them to go to their dads when the time is right, dont despair about being on your own, theres lots of us that do it, put your feet up, have a little treat, you get to have control of the remote and be a little bit proud of yourself for being the good parent you are and dont be kicking yourself, things will change, time heals xxx

LegacyUser

unreg1984 wrote: »

Hi,

I understand how you are feeling I went through the very same situation before. The fact that you can reliase that you were in a destructive relationship that took away your self-esteem & done damage to you is a good starting point as you can stay focused on that. I can assure you that you WILL look back on this horrible time in your life & look at your ex and say "Why did I bother with him?". Time heals all wounds, not over night but you will get over this I promise. Dont spend Christmas alone. Have your child with you, arrange to meet with friends too. He's not worth the tears you're shedding hun and you have to be strong for yourself & your child. If I can do this so can you, best of luck for your future XXX

LegacyUser

Thank you for kind words,
I am so confused because despite what your saying being abslourtely true, i am overcome by an overwhelming sense of failure in myself. I know you cannot make somebody love you, its really really hard to accept that its over and that we are seperated forever, and that our daughter will no longer have a family unit. My parents are seperated (badly) so i know the difficulties, not only thats its over but that i am the only one who seems to care, it makes it feel like everything i gave, the time and effort and love i put in didnt matter at all!
Its really hard to be told that your opinion doesnt matter and that the most important person in your world doesnt care about how you feel at all and will behave in a selfish manner irrelevant of hurting you...
I dont know why i am so upset, thats what is confusing me, the rational part of my brain is saying 'thank god that is over' but everything else is a mess, my confindence is shot and i feel like im not even half the person i was before i met him, i suppose i am petrified of trying the dating scene again, last time i was single, i was a totally normal 20 year old with no child and no hurt! 5 years of not mattering and just 'being' there is really catching up on me!
The problem with Christmas is that i cant face trying to organise something, and i dont want her to be away from her dad on christmas morning, i cant face that feeling of something being completely wrong without him there, thats why i was thinking he could take her, it bothers him less when im not around, its a horrible feeling and i cant cope with her asking why her dad isnt around, and why we cant do things together, or telling me stories where we're all going to do things as a family... What do i say to that!!?!?
I dont know how people do it, i know there are far more complicated situations than what i am going through, but the sadness is taking over my life! if i see one more christmas ad...! And i love christmas, it all just feels so wrong! (sorry bout slight rant!)

Munstermad

Hi op,
I feel so bad for you, u are in a rotten place but I promise you every day gets a little better. I too had become invisible and disposable, but over the last few months have been working hard to rebuild myself. Not there yet but am finally on the right road and that gives me hope.
I have 3 kids, and like u was also dreading christmas (my favourite time of the year) I really just want to say it will get better and if u truly feel lost then go to GP and counsellor (found accord fantastic and u don't have to be married) and take every help u are offered.
I did and it really gave me the courage to face each new day and get some control back in my life.
And remeber u and ur child are ur family, and by the sounds of it ye always were, he was never truly invested in his "family". He was and still is a fraud, u were only guilty of buying into his deception.
He's taken a lot don't let him have Christmas too.
Have ur Christmas with ur daughter, it will be yer family christmas and try and spoil urself, even a little.
Sending lyou ots of big hugs and positivity, I wish you and your beautiful daughter all the very best.

DubLass

Its hard, but answer her questions honestly, Im sure theres little books you can get to explain about parents separating, the most important thing to tell her over and over is that you both love her very very much and you are both there for her but just living in different places. Good luck.