Candid-itis

LegacyUser

This may not seem like a personal problem but for me it's beginning to feel like one and think it's affecting my relationships with friends and staff where I study. Basically, I'm an overly candid person or so it seems. People are always taken aback by comments I make, even though for me, I think they're perfectly normal and rightful to suggest. There is a fine line between this and being rude, but I am not a rude person it must be said. When I speak with members of staff where I study, they are also surprised by my reactions which may seem eccentric and my replies often seem unexpected and I can see it from what their reactions are.

I was so tired of seeing these reactions that when I moved into my new place with new people, I said to myself that I'd try to take care of what I say to prevent these reactions. However, unexpectedly I was told several weeks later that I speak my mind. I'm just fed up with these reactions and behavior but don't know how to go about being as reserved as other people. So I'd like to see what people think and any suggestions you may have.

Thanks

Kevster

Hi,

It would help if you provided some examples but - in general - I think that the fact you have come here to talk about this problem shows that you are trying to change. Over time, you'll learn more about what is/isn't appropriate, and then your interactions with people will improve. Don't start shying away from talking to people though. Sometimes, saying what's 'candid' (or what is 'fact') is the best.

Kevin

cafecolour

Well, being tactful doesn't equal being dishonest, which you maybe thinking in your mind.

If you are offering unsolicited advice ("Jesus, what were you thinking with that shirt?") just stop - don't give your opinion when it wasn't requested.

If it's asked for advice ("what do you think of my shirt?") you can:

Respond that you don't know ("You're asking the wrong person about fashion" said with a laugh)

Change the subject ("Oh, I need to grab a new shirt myself! I wonder if there's a sale on...")

Say something that isn't inaccurate but doesn't really mean anything or is very specific ("That's a lovely shade of blue.")

If you want to be critical, tread carefully and make it sound helpful and delivered out of concern ("It's a nice shirt, but to be honest, I'm not sure it flatters your form as much as it could")

Firetrap

It might be an idea to think about you comments from the other person's perspective. Are you so direct that what you say would hurt or offend them? As a rule of thumb, you are really better off not saying anything personal about people at all. Without you giving us examples of where you think you may have said the wrong thing, it's hard to give advice really.

lazygal

Hi OP,
I had to reply when I saw your post.
I have a friend who sounds very similar to you. She doesn't seem to stick to the "accepted" norms of social interaction, ie if someone asked about how their new shoes looked, anyone knows the answer is "gorgeous" or if someone was introducing a new boy or girlfriend to the group and the introducee asked us what we thought, she would say things like "His dress sense is terrible" or "Her accent is atrocious". Now, we knew what she was like so it actually came to a point where we didn't bother to solicit her opinions on anything because she would be TOO honest and never realised how hurtful her honesty could be.
She made a drastic change to her hair, which she asked me about before she got it done (I told her I didn't think it would suit) and after the cut, and then had the cheek to say "At least you could pretend to like it" when I said the new do was ok. I feel she can hand out the truth but can't take it herself!
I think she needs to re-learn some of the rules of socialisation, tbh, and if you are anything like her it sounds like you just need to think before you speak-sometimes the truth or a candid comment is not what someone needs to hear, they are looking for a compliment or confirmation of what they have already decided. I know the truth is best but sometimes it has to come with a side order of cop-on and compassion.

kmick

My mother always said if you dont have something nice to say - say nothing. No one wants or needs an incessant negative chatter in their vicinity. To you it may seem truthful but in my experience its just a lack of empathy. It comes across as cold and hollow and makes people uncomfortable and want to avoid you. Im afraid its you who are going to have to change not the rest of the world.
A negative thinker focuses only on the faults, shortcomings, and limitations of others and overlooks their positive qualities, strengths and achievements. Cynical people overgeneralise their bad experiences with a few people and see the whole world in a negative light. I have a feeling you would like to change your behaviour?

prinz

Really need examples on this one OP. As you say the distinction between candid and downright rude and insulting can be a blurry one. Personally I prefer the candid sort, people who tell it like it is, but you can be candid and not rude, Germans excel at this tbh. They are extremely straightforward and candid, and at first I found it bordering on rude, but know I really appreciate it. You need to give a few examples of what you say.

nesbitt

lazygal wrote: »

Hi OP,
I had to reply when I saw your post.
I have a friend who sounds very similar to you. She doesn't seem to stick to the "accepted" norms of social interaction, ie if someone asked about how their new shoes looked, anyone knows the answer is "gorgeous" or if someone was introducing a new boy or girlfriend to the group and the introducee asked us what we thought, she would say things like "His dress sense is terrible" or "Her accent is atrocious". Now, we knew what she was like so it actually came to a point where we didn't bother to solicit her opinions on anything because she would be TOO honest and never realised how hurtful her honesty could be.
She made a drastic change to her hair, which she asked me about before she got it done (I told her I didn't think it would suit) and after the cut, and then had the cheek to say "At least you could pretend to like it" when I said the new do was ok. I feel she can hand out the truth but can't take it herself!
I think she needs to re-learn some of the rules of socialisation, tbh, and if you are anything like her it sounds like you just need to think before you speak-sometimes the truth or a candid comment is not what someone needs to hear, they are looking for a compliment or confirmation of what they have already decided. I know the truth is best but sometimes it has to come with a side order of cop-on and compassion.

You have described my 'friend' so accurately it made me laugh.

OP my advice is think before you speak. Don't as other posters said get into personal comments about people etc. if pushed just practice a sit on the fence type of approach. The fact that you have copped on to your problem is kind of half way there to sorting it out.

Lumen

As long as you're not being deliberately rude, I wouldn't necessarily attempt to curb your directness, although a bit of consideration of other people's feelings is never a bad thing.

Life would be boring if everyone was the same.

Thicktights

The way to get your message acroos is to say the opposite to what you mean and exaggerate ridiculously, so as to leave no one in any doubt as to what you mean. You can't be accused of being too literal when you do that.

Dinxminx

I have a friend who sounds like you; originally he was my brother's best friend and I would get really furious at how I saw him acting around my brother, saying things that seemed cruel or bringing up hurtful things in a callous way. My brother would always brush me off and say I didn't understand.

This friend is very intelligent - just tactless. In time I realised that he honestly has no idea that he offends anyone, and absolutely does not intend it in a mean-spirited way. Through understanding this, he has become one of my best friends (although sometimes if I'm in a touchy mood he'll still get to me)!

I don't actually know if tact is something you can learn. Either way, good luck OP!