I got "the stare"

LegacyUser

I had a strange experience in work this week. I only started the job a few weeks ago and I was in a meeting with about ten other people. I was stared at by a girl I quite like and it really freaked me out. Not in a negative way but I just wondered "WTF?". She is quite attractive so I don't suppose she has to go looking for male attention (I would imagine). She did it a few times and didn't turn away when I stared back. It was a kind of intense gaze. I have been told I am quite good-looking (I was once told I was "the head off" of Wentworth Miller LOL) so maybe she thinks I am hot, I dunno.

I'm not egotistical in any way but it certainly blew me away. The thing is I am fairly certain she doesn't fancy me as I don't get any positive vibes off her when I talk to her. It doesn't help that I am a lot like the thread-starter in "can anyone help me to be a more sociable person????? PLEASE"
I've tried to chat her up a few times but it's hard, I just don't have very good social skills. I suppose it could be that she thinks I am good-looking but doesn't intend to take it any further. I am looking for replies more from females here.

Victor

Are you certain she was looking at you and not what was beyond you?

Taltos

Also - what type of stare was it?

My wife uses "Oh my god - you are such an IDIOT" stare all the time in work...

Or was it

"Come hither NOW"

Just cause she doesn't like you doesn't mean she doesn't want to jump your bones. But be careful - mixing pleasure with work is rarely a good idea - especially if it is the idiot stare...

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Also - what type of stare was it?

My wife uses "Oh my god - you are such an IDIOT" stare all the time in work...

Or was it

"Come hither NOW"

Just cause she doesn't like you doesn't mean she doesn't want to jump your bones. But be careful - mixing pleasure with work is rarely a good idea - especially if it is the idiot stare...

Nah there was nothing behind me except the wall. I wasn't speaking at the time,someone else was. She was sitting beside me at the table. She turned right around, full-on gaze,not very suttle.
Good point about mixing pleasure with work, maybe that's why she won't talk to me much?
It would almost be worth handing in my notice to get with her though.:-)

Webmonkey

IamCurious wrote: »

Nah there was nothing behind me except the wall. I wasn't speaking at the time,someone else was. She was sitting beside me at the table. She turned right around, full-on gaze,not very suttle.
Good point about mixing pleasure with work, maybe that's why she won't talk to me much?
It would almost be worth handing in my notice to get with her though.:-)

Beside you? - a full turn around to keep staring at you. That's a bit strange.

By any chance was the person speaking at the time in her line of sight? - obvious I know but even I would be creeped out with a person going out of their way to turn around to stare at me...

Best luck with it all the same though

LegacyUser

Webmonkey wrote: »

Beside you? - a full turn around to keep staring at you. That's a bit strange.

By any chance was the person speaking at the time in her line of sight? - obvious I know but even I would be creeped out with a person going out of their way to turn around to stare at me...

Best luck with it all the same though

No, he was in the opposite direction. She turned right around to stare right at me. It was creepy alright. Erra I feel a bit silly for posting it now in hindsight. I mean if she wasn't such a hottie I wouldn't even have noticed it.

Taltos

No reason to feel silly.

All you can do is play it by ear - and weigh up the pros and cons if she is interested.
Have to agree though - this is a bit freaky at the same time.
Could you have been doing anything? even subconsciously - you know - tapping your pen, humming to yourself, doodling...

LegacyUser

IamCurious wrote: »

I had a strange experience in work this week. I only started the job a few weeks ago and I was in a meeting with about ten other people. I was stared at by a girl I quite like and it really freaked me out. Not in a negative way but I just wondered "WTF?". She is quite attractive so I don't suppose she has to go looking for male attention (I would imagine). She did it a few times and didn't turn away when I stared back. It was a kind of intense gaze. I have been told I am quite good-looking (I was once told I was "the head off" of Wentworth Miller LOL) so maybe she thinks I am hot, I dunno.

I'm not egotistical in any way but it certainly blew me away. The thing is I am fairly certain she doesn't fancy me as I don't get any positive vibes off her when I talk to her. It doesn't help that I am a lot like the thread-starter in "can anyone help me to be a more sociable person????? PLEASE"
I've tried to chat her up a few times but it's hard, I just don't have very good social skills. I suppose it could be that she thinks I am good-looking but doesn't intend to take it any further. I am looking for replies more from females here.

Good-looking girls do this alot, I think they are looking to massage their ego .... i.e. if they haven't had attention in a while they will seek out attention to assure themselves they're attractive (even if they have no interest in the man in question).

It's cock-teasing really but some girls need attention as much as oxygen. Don't take it too seriously.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

No reason to feel silly.

All you can do is play it by ear - and weigh up the pros and cons if she is interested.
Have to agree though - this is a bit freaky at the same time.
Could you have been doing anything? even subconsciously - you know - tapping your pen, humming to yourself, doodling...

No none of that. Regardless of what happens I'll remember it for a long time. It said more than any words could ever convey.
She could just be a tease though, I hate that.

Taltos

Know what you mean.

Worked with someone yrs ago that used to flirt with one guy in particular.
One day he came up behind her in the canteen and said "hi there gorgeous".
Unfort the MD was beside her - and she freaked - and I mean freaked - accused him of sexual harrassment etc in full earshot of the MD.
Nough said - HR were called into play and he was put on an official warning.

So just be careful. Maybe she really does like you. But remember the old saying - "don't sh1t in the bed you sleep in".

LegacyUser

HappensAlot wrote: »

Good-looking girls do this alot, I think they are looking to massage their ego .... i.e. if they haven't had attention in a while they will seek out attention to assure themselves they're attractive (even if they have no interest in the man in question).

It's cock-teasing really but some girls need attention as much as oxygen. Don't take it too seriously.

I don't know if I would fully agree with that. I would counter it by saying that good-looking girls surely get enough hassle without giving encouragement to fellas. She isn't really seen as a hottie in work from what I have gathered, which I find bizarre as I think she is very attractive.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Know what you mean.

Worked with someone yrs ago that used to flirt with one guy in particular.
One day he came up behind her in the canteen and said "hi there gorgeous".
Unfort the MD was beside her - and she freaked - and I mean freaked - accused him of sexual harrassment etc in full earshot of the MD.
Nough said - HR were called into play and he was put on an official warning.

So just be careful. Maybe she really does like you. But remember the old saying - "don't sh1t in the bed you sleep in".

No fear, I'll play it by ear.

leggo

Gotta disagree with nearly every post so far.

Don't doubt whether she was staring at you or not. If you believe and know she was, then just assume she was and go with it. Positive assumption is a big difference maker in whether you actually DO get girls that, as you say, it'd almost be worth handing in your notice over (though it's not). Just being able to have the confidence to assume that these incredibly attractive women says a lot in itself.

It's like the really overweight guy who approaches the supermodel and talks to her like pulling her is a formality. She mightn't be initially attracted to him...but at some stage she's going to think, "Why the hell is this guy so confident?? What's the big deal that I'm missing here?!"

So yeah, sounds like she's into you. NOW...stop being fascinated by that point alone...because even though she's into you, you haven't pulled her yet.

There's a good pick-up tactic out there called a 'disqualifier', whereby you push and pull a girl by telling her jokingly why she's not your type, i.e. say she's talking about something she did with a previous guy, just throw in something like "Jaysus, you're one of those needy girls. I couldn't stand being with a girl like you..."

The effect here is that it makes her want you because you're telling her she can't have you. It also has the effect where you let her know that you can afford to lose her because there's other quality girls out there who'd kill for a guy like you...which says a lot in the same sense as 'positive assumption'.

Reward her for good behaviour by being playful, fun and flirty whenever she is. Punish her for being cold and distant by responding in kind. Soon she'll learn that you're not just another guy who she can walk over and that should command her attention. As I say, "Play hard to get in her face".

And, the one thing from the replies that I will endorse so far is, tread carefully because it's a work situation. There's not an awful lot of jobs out there these days dude...NO women is worth handing in your notice over, nor should there ever be a need to either.

P.S: Don't ask women for advice on pulling women. With the greatest of respect to them, I've never met a woman who fully grasped what it's like to be in a guy's shoes in these situations. In the same sense: I couldn't give a woman advice on attracting a guy. It's just one of those weird little things in life. We know what we're attracted to, but it's the opposite sex's job to reach that point for us.

DubLass

At the next meeting check for a guide dog just out of sight below the table only kidding, good luck with it

BumbleB

Taltos wrote: »

Know what you mean.

One day he came up behind her in the canteen and said "hi there gorgeous".
".

you never ever approach a girl from behind it will freak any woman out.....

Don't use anyone else ideas ,well they are not their ideas there usually plagarised form awful PUA books written by awful american authors .

Really, after she gave you the look ,you should have just gone over and introduced yourself and watch her reactions to see if she got nervous etc. The main thing is to play to your strengths don't try to be something youre not .

CliffHuxtabel

Going by how you described it OP you there is at least some evidence to suspect she may like the look of you.

If it were me Id feel the situation out....let her catch you looking at her and look away. This at least lets her know shes caught your attention. After that maybe pull back a little.....let her absorb this signal and wait for her to give some sign shes really interested.

In my experience if a girl gets the feeling you like her and shes also attracted to you, then she'll make it pretty clear if she wants you to ask her out ...staring at you, bumping into you on purpose, etc. (you know what I mean)

You could just ask her out without any clear sign but as others have said and you know yourself if she says no it can make things awkward in your new job.

leggo

BumbleB wrote: »

you never ever approach a girl from behind it will freak any woman out.....

Don't use anyone else ideas ,well they are not their ideas there usually plagarised form awful PUA books written by awful american authors .

Really, after she gave you the look ,you should have just gone over and introduced yourself and watch her reactions to see if she got nervous etc. The main thing is to play to your strengths don't try to be something youre not .

"Just be yourself" is perhaps the most typical, unproductive advice you can give in a situation like this.

Besides, she was sitting beside him, in his group already so it's not as if he couldn't go over and introduce himself. He knows her from work.

The problem is that he doesn't know how to achieve 'being himself' while attracting top class women.

So can you give us an example of how you've done this before in your lifetime, step-by-step, with no rhetoric, and perhaps he can get some non-"Just be yourself" advice that will actually help him?

In the meantime, please don't insult my advice because, sir, my advice works very well for myself and a TON of others. You've run through some productive idea that actually gives him some way he can ACHIEVE 'being himself' and attracting her...while at the same time offering up no practical advice yourself. If he believed your post, he'd be left at square one. That's not very helpful is it?

P.S: Not approaching someone from behind is also a PUA rule. But what do they know, eh?

LegacyUser

Lads chill out I appreciate everyone's advice here. I don't really have time to talk to her at work I am so busy. Even though we work in the same area I mightn't meet her all day sometimes. I think I will leave it alone for a while, I have to concentrate on my job and not get distracted. There is an xmas do coming up soon I think so if I get a few beers in me there I might be more relaxed.
But as others have said I really need to be careful, I don't want an "atmosphere" between us (there's already a bit of sexual tension). I suspect she doesn't want to be in a relationship/have a one night stand with someone she works with as her workmates will know.
I could convince her that I will keep shtum about it though.
But the whole point of my post is that the stare(s) really blew me away. Just had to share it with someone, that's all.

LegacyUser

you have to count on the complete inability of a girl to flirt too, for example I am uterly useless if i half like someone, I just become a complete idiot I dont know what to say, i say really? a lot(event o things I honestly dont believe), etc, also the fact that I dont want to show that i like the person kinda plays against me (...)

I did use the stare at some point but i recon guys just got totally freaked out ( ie too intense) they dont know what to do, etc

so I d say try to have a conversation , in general be nice to her , something like if you have chocolate share it with all but also with her and give her a big smile as you do, those kind of things, if she likes you, she might relax and get to see a bit more or herself

There is also this thing about dont **** where you eat ( ie if you go out with her, you cant really mess around cause you ll see her at work all the time, again very intense if you ask me)
my two cents

DubLass

I wish I could flirt, I can do it online but crap in real life, I just blush into my drink

Taltos

DubLass wrote: »

I wish I could flirt, I can do it online but crap in real life, I just blush into my drink

Ah - but that blush and look away is also one of the best flirts around...
Just be yourself and ask some questions about what they like etc.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

"Just be yourself" is perhaps the most typical, unproductive advice you can give in a situation like this.

Besides, she was sitting beside him, in his group already so it's not as if he couldn't go over and introduce himself. He knows her from work.

The problem is that he doesn't know how to achieve 'being himself' while attracting top class women.

So can you give us an example of how you've done this before in your lifetime, step-by-step, with no rhetoric, and perhaps he can get some non-"Just be yourself" advice that will actually help him?

In the meantime, please don't insult my advice because, sir, my advice works very well for myself and a TON of others. You've run through some productive idea that actually gives him some way he can ACHIEVE 'being himself' and attracting her...while at the same time offering up no practical advice yourself. If he believed your post, he'd be left at square one. That's not very helpful is it?

P.S: Not approaching someone from behind is also a PUA rule. But what do they know, eh?

He (or she?) didn't say "Just be yourself" he said "The main thing is to play to your strengths don't try to be something youre not " which is totally different to the inane "Just be yourself" line.

LegacyUser

HappensAlot wrote: »

He (or she?) didn't say "Just be yourself" he said "The main thing is to play to your strengths don't try to be something youre not " which is totally different to the inane "Just be yourself" line.

IMO pretty much as useless as "just be yourself".

What does play to your strengths actually mean, give specific examples.

Can someone as well clear up what "being someone you are not" actually means.

Does it mean thinking before you say or do anything that you want to come across a certain way. Seriously, no one ever explains clearly what these cliches mean.

tbh

maybe she's just short sighted.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

maybe she's just short sighted.

Heh, you really know how to shatter a guy's ego tbh! Erra there's nothing doing I'd say. She has pretty much ignored me since then. I'll bookmark this thread and post again if something happens. Not that the boardsies would be interested in my dull and dreary life.

BumbleB

leggo wrote: »

"Just be yourself" is perhaps the most typical, unproductive advice you can give in a situation like this.

The problem is that he doesn't know how to achieve 'being himself' while attracting top class women.


In the meantime, please don't insult my advice because, sir, my advice works very well for myself and a TON of others. You've run through some productive idea that actually gives him some way he can ACHIEVE 'being himself' and attracting her...while at the same time offering up no practical advice yourself. If he believed your post, he'd be left at square one. That's not very helpful is it?

P.S: Not approaching someone from behind is also a PUA rule. But what do they know, eh?

No need to be so sarcastic , remember ,sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Don't be yourself be your best self.Anything I wrote is not supposed to be advice its supposed to be encouragement ,there is many ways to make connections with women you just have to find what works for you.

Also I found out the hard way about approaching women form behind .One of my friends did it one night and the girl went berserk.

IamCurious wrote: »

. There is an xmas do coming up soon I think so if I get a few beers in me there I might be more relaxed.
But as others have said I really need to be careful, I don't want an "atmosphere" between us (there's already a bit of sexual tension). I suspect she doesn't want to be in a relationship/have a one night stand with someone she works with as her workmates will know.

But the whole point of my post is that the stare(s) really blew me away. Just had to share it with someone, that's all.

I had an incidence the very same in the place I work 4 weeks ago ,but given its massive ,there is very strict hr guidelines as regards harassement.

baffledboy wrote: »

IMO pretty much as useless as "just be yourself".

What does play to your strengths actually mean, give specific examples.

Can someone as well clear up what "being someone you are not" actually means.

Does it mean thinking before you say or do anything that you want to come across a certain way. Seriously, no one ever explains clearly what these cliches mean.

playing to your strength is abut identifying your strong points as a person and bringing them to perfection and downplaying weaknesses .Girls do it all the time and are extremely good at it.

scanlas

BumbleB wrote: »

playing to your strength is abut identifying your strong points as a person and bringing them to perfection and downplaying weaknesses .Girls do it all the time and are extremely good at it.

I find not hiding your weaknesses is attractive as it shows true confidence, also by being comfortable and open with your weaknesses and vulnerabilities you can share a really nice moment with a woman.

BumbleB

scanlas wrote: »

I find not hiding your weaknesses is attractive as it shows true confidence, also by being comfortable and open with your weaknesses and vulnerabilities you can share a really nice moment with a woman.

An excellent point scanlas , but I said down playing not hiding. also OP the fact that she stared at you is good because women don't generally look at guys they are not into.

They are a million reasons why she could be blanking you some women "blank" guys when they are attracted to you. Anyhow if I were you, I would forget about the whole thing for the moment ,roll on christmas party, dress up to the nines and groom impeccably. If it going to happen its going to go off at the christmas partay ....

tbh

IamCurious wrote: »

Heh, you really know how to shatter a guy's ego tbh! Erra there's nothing doing I'd say. She has pretty much ignored me since then. I'll bookmark this thread and post again if something happens. Not that the boardsies would be interested in my dull and dreary life.

no offense intended. I'm just pointing out that obviously none of us are mind-readers. I felt you were getting a bit ahead of yourself based on nothing at all really. Just try to relax and not force the issue would be my advice.

Stovepipe

Hi there,
Twice in my life, the stare worked on me.No brag or nothing.I'm as average as you can get.I was just standing around in a nightclub, about five minutes in the door, fresh glass in hand and got the stare.I was literally just looking around, felt the hairs rise on my neck, looked around, made eye contact and knew right there, I was in.First time, she looked at me, nodded and didn't come near me for an hour, by which time I'd forgotten about her and was happily drinking away and chatting with my mates,etc. She comes up, out of the blue,jacket over her arm,"are ye right?!". I nearly had a heart attack, but off I went with her and the rest is history.Next day, my mates, who knew full well that I was a serial non-puller of birds, were all questions........I was as amazed as they were. the second time, the woman came over to me and we got on like a house on fire and went off together later.Great girl but never saw her again.

I don't know how it works but sometimes it just does.Play it by ear.trust your gut.if it feels dubious, steer clear.

regards
Stovepipe

castle

You didn't have anything on your nose such as a snot or anything,if not then you have a few choices ,one be a man and ask her out as you said you like her, two don't do anything and feel sorry for yourself that you are a quite type sort and would be unable to ask her out. three pretend it ever happened,

leggo

Just noticed the replies since my last post now.

The problem I have with advice like "Just be yourself", "Play to your strengths" and even "Be your best self" (the latter of which is also a PUA sentiment) is that they don't offer any practical advice on how to do it. Often guys who are in this position find themselves low in confidence around women, so they don't KNOW what their strengths are or how to become their best self.

And the only way they can do this is to push themselves out of their comfort zone, throw stuff at the wall and see what works.

There lies the other problem, if they're low in confidence then the above is also an issue because:

1) They don't HAVE anything in they're arsenal to throw...simply because often their mind will go blank when in this position. And,

2) They don't know what to look out for to see if their stuff is working. Especially in a pub/club situation, one wrong move can mess you up even when you do everything else right. But if it doesn't work, low confidence lads will often take that as EVERYTHING they did was wrong. It used to piss me off no end...I'd go in there one night and pull a scorcher, then try the same thing on a girl I really should've pulled easily and get nowhere the next. But it was because I didn't know how to identify what parts worked and what didn't.

Now I'm no PUA bible-basher. I love the idea and theory...the community itself has tons of flaws. But it's at least going in the right direction by offering PRACTICAL solutions that can solve his problems.

So instead of posting rhetoric, which is absolutely useless when he's gonna be standing next to this girl again wanting to get from A to B, why not offer some practical advice that has worked for people here before, point out why exactly it worked and how he can learn from it? THAT'S helping someone.

LegacyUser

Well had the xmas party and guess what nothing happened. I am 100% satisfied she does not find me attractive in any way shape or form.
She danced with everyone in the nightclub from work except for me (even her boss) but I don't take that personally as A)she was pissed and B)she only knows me a few weeks.
I had a good chat with her before she got drunk, she's a great girl and didn't blow me off, she seemed genuinley interested in talking to me.
She doesn't seem to be interested in having a boyfriend or even one night stands from what I can tell. It's a surprise 'cause she could have anyone.
I don't know why she was staring at me that day, maybe it's just a habit she has. I am not bitter or anything, I am used to rejection at this stage anyway. Like I say, she is a terrific person whom I still really like. Maybe she will get to like me more if she gets to know me better.