Drunken comment from boyfriend..

LegacyUser

Ok...well, here's the thing:

Last night I was at a arty at my boyfriend's apartment and all our friends were over too. He got very drunk, and we were playing hide and seek and I was blindfolded...now a good friend of mine was hiding and he was talking to her (I was in front of them) and he was saying things like "none of the others compare to you" and told her he loved her... now, it's not only what he said, but he was being completely serious and talking in the way he would talk to me...

Now...what makes this worse for me is that only last week he told me she was his second favourite after me...he probably didnt intend for it to sound any bit bad, but it did sound a bit dodgy to me, and sometimes he can be a bit too friendly with her. Now, I know nothing is going on, she would never do something like that, and I'm always around anyway when theyre together.
I told him the next morning, but he cannot remember anything, and says because he was drunk, he obviously didnt mean it. But...whether he's drunk or not, he shouldnt be saying it, and just because you're drunk, doesnt mean you spurt lies. I don't know what to do...I'm not a confident person, so find it hard to confront him with questions and tend to leave him off with a sorry. I know he loves me, he's alost obsessed with me, and he's the nicest person ever...but this incident has left me feeling like i don't know what to do. I'm not going to break up with him, I'm being friendly to him, but not very 'loving' as such..

How acceptable is what he done? Am I overreacting...or undereacting?

DigiGal

OOOOP wrote: »

Ok...well, here's the thing:

Last night I was at a arty at my boyfriend's apartment and all our friends were over too. He got very drunk, and we were playing hide and seek and I was blindfolded...now a good friend of mine was hiding and he was talking to her (I was in front of them) and he was saying things like "none of the others compare to you" and told her he loved her... now, it's not only what he said, but he was being completely serious and talking in the way he would talk to me...

Now...what makes this worse for me is that only last week he told me she was his second favourite after me...he probably didnt intend for it to sound any bit bad, but it did sound a bit dodgy to me, and sometimes he can be a bit too friendly with her. Now, I know nothing is going on, she would never do something like that, and I'm always around anyway when theyre together.
I told him the next morning, but he cannot remember anything, and says because he was drunk, he obviously didnt mean it. But...whether he's drunk or not, he shouldnt be saying it, and just because you're drunk, doesnt mean you spurt lies. I don't know what to do...I'm not a confident person, so find it hard to confront him with questions and tend to leave him off with a sorry. I know he loves me, he's alost obsessed with me, and he's the nicest person ever...but this incident has left me feeling like i don't know what to do. I'm not going to break up with him, I'm being friendly to him, but not very 'loving' as such..

How acceptable is what he done? Am I overreacting...or undereacting?

I'm sorry but any guy who is sharing such intimate feelings with one of your friends is most definitely not the nicest person ever. I'd say get rid of him now, if he is in love with other girls god knows what else he is up to.
Being drunk is no excuse and what kind of ass says to his gf that her friend is his second favourite.
OP if this is what you think consitutes nice guys you definitely need to date more.
If I overheard my OH saying that I'd go crazy there and then.

LegacyUser

I now it's hard to hear this but it's better to get rid of him. He obviously has feelings for your friend and the fact that he said it to her (regrdless of the fact that he was drunk) shows that he would like something to happen with her. If he's prepared to cheat on you with your friend he's not worth being with and it's probably only a matter of time before he cheats with someone.
It's possible that he waited to say it to her when he was drunk was so that if she told him where to go he could pass it off as a drunken comment. He said he loved her and he told you she was his second favourite to you........it clearly wasn't a drunken lie. If he was in love with you and completely satisfied with just you in his life he wouldn't be thinking about any other girl let alone telling someone else he loves them!

minidazzler

OP, I don't think you are over reacting or underreacting, simply reacting.

However, When people are drunk they DO actually spurt random lies, I do this all the time. I could deny my own mother and convince people I was arab when I am drunk.

Drunk serious and sober serious are 2 totally different things. So don't dwell on this. Just be wary of him.

Don't break up with him for it, unless you want to do so anyway, but be wary and keep your ears open!

He probably does love her, maybe he loves her like a sister. Does he know her longer than he knows you?

In short, stay with him, be a bit wary, but TBH it's probably nothing, jsut a really good friendship.

magneticimpulse

no, people are aware of what they say when they are drunk!! he prob meant the things he said to her. when you are drunk you feel less nervous about things and more likely to be honest. so i think he really does fancy this other girl. do you want to wait around and see the next party when you play hide and seek and he hides in his room with her?? i mean this hide and seek game and where you are blindfolded seems very dodgy...seems like he wanted time to escape with this girl and tell her how he truly feels about her.

kaki

I don't want to stir up ****, but to me you seem to be under-reacting.

I don't know your boyfriend personally, but whenever I'm pished, I tend to tell the truth, the whole embarrassing truth that normally I keep locked up inside - so I too have dropped things on acquaintances and randomers from hate - "Where is your humaaaanity, you heartless biiiitch" - to coming onto people that I like (something I never do sober, I'm very introverted)

My one rule is this - you can love as many people as you like, but only be in love with one. Was he friends with this girl before he met you? How long have they known eachother?

martdalto

Ok, a few things.. first off I "love" everyone when I'm drunk!!

Secondly, I'm guessing you are quite young.. the fact that he used the phrase "second favourite", makes me assume this. I think on here, too much emphasis is put on "love" in a relationship. I know when I was younger, late teens early twenties, I was in relationships where I really really liked the other person, but wouldn't have said I was in love with them.

Now, was it wrong of me to be in a relationship with someone if I didn't love them? No, not at that age. You don't just always automatically love someone either. It needs to grow and develop in a new relationship.

OP - What I'm trying to say is, initially when I read your post, I latched onto..

I know he loves me, he's alost obsessed with me, and he's the nicest person ever...but this incident has left me feeling like i don't know what to do. I'm not going to break up with him, I'm being friendly to him, but not very 'loving' as such..

And was thinking, you say HE loves you, HE'S obsessed but you don't mention how you feel about him. And I was going to reply, do you love him? Why don't you want to break up with him etc.. ? And then re-thought my reply, as you don't need to love each other. (Depending on how long you're together and how serious you are about each other of course!!)

But you do ned to respect each other. The fact of the matter is, he fancies this girl. He told you a week before that she is his "second favourite".. quite an immature, and not fully thought out comment to make to your girlfriend. Now it is possible to fancy someone while being in a fully committed loving relationship. You don't suddenly go blind to everyone else when you're in a relationship.. but you don't go acting on it, that's the difference. You say you know that nothing is happening, because she would never do something like that... you don't sound as convinved about your bf?!

If you don't want to break up with him then there's no need. But just let him know that you think it's inappropriate and disrespectful to you to firstly tell you that he fancies her (which he did by saying she's his second favourite) and secondly to tell her the same, drunk or not!

I think it is very very rarely you get so drunk that you have no recollection of what you did, or no idea at the time of what you're doing. You were there, how drunk was he? I think he was drunk enough to drop his guard, but not drunk enough to not know what he was doing.

Sorry the post was so long, I hope it made some sense!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

He hasn't known her well for long at all. He met her through me, and only in the last few months has he properly gotten to know her. He's been going out with me for just over a year.

I do think the fact that he has told me she's his second favourite and then tells her he loves her is much more than a coincidence.
I told him last night that i really didn't know what to think and what to do about it and he said he must have done it because 'he was always mocking people and decided he'd be nice to everyone and took it too far'. too far is definitely right there...you don't have to tell someone you love them to be nice.

But at the same time...I know he loves me, he always wants me around and I do believe this...it's just whether he has feelings for another person as well.

Actually, I only remember now, but when he was saying that to her, he was also talking about the first time they spoke to each other....a bit nostalgic for people who arent really good friends.
I know she doesnt feel anything like that for him...I could tell she was quite weirded out when he was saying that stuff to her.

Kooli

I think this is a very ambiguous situation, and it's hard to read without knowing a few things
1) how freely does he get lovey-dovey with friends while drunk?
and
2) how close are he and your friend?

I can think of two of my friend's partners who have said something similar to me and it there was NOTHING sexual or romantic in it, it was pure friendliness, tipped over-the-top by booze. One of these has told me I'm his 'favourite' of the friends (but I think phrasing it as his 'second favourite' after his girlfriend would actually be pretty weird...)

Anyway, it depends on the kind of guy he is and the relationship he has with that friend. Trust your instinct on both these things. Even if you decide that you have nothing to worry about, you are still very much entitled to tell him you're not comfortable with it and he should understand.

LegacyUser

martdalto wrote: »

And was thinking, you say HE loves you, HE'S obsessed but you don't mention how you feel about him. And I was going to reply, do you love him? Why don't you want to break up with him etc.. ? And then re-thought my reply, as you don't need to love each other. (Depending on how long you're together and how serious you are about each other of course!!)

But you do ned to respect each other. The fact of the matter is, he fancies this girl. He told you a week before that she is his "second favourite".. quite an immature, and not fully thought out comment to make to your girlfriend. Now it is possible to fancy someone while being in a fully committed loving relationship. You don't suddenly go blind to everyone else when you're in a relationship.. but you don't go acting on it, that's the difference. You say you know that nothing is happening, because she would never do something like that... you don't sound as convinved about your bf?!

I agree, I think 'love' is thrown about way too easily in relationships.
Yes, i know he loves me....do I love him? Yes I do, but unlike him, I am not so into the whole commitment thing and believing we'll stay together forever...I think it's naieve to believe that we wil be together always.

Also...I don't believe he would cheat on me...but after the other night I'm wondering 'well maybe, if he's that drunk'.

He said to me that he wasn't eve going to get drunk again because it wasn't worth losing me...but why, incase he blurts out something that he's merely been hiding when he's sober? I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that he really truly meant it, he may have no meant it, but then again, he may have.

We are both 19 btw.

Kooli

OOOP wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

He hasn't known her well for long at all.

he was also talking about the first time they spoke to each other....

I could tell she was quite weirded out when he was saying that stuff to her.

sorry didn't see your response before I replied

The three statements above would ring alarm bells for me, and I definitely think he fancies her.

HOWEVER, it's up to you to decide how big a deal that is for you. Let's not pretend we never look at anyone else ever when we're in a relationship.

But again, even if you decide it's not a deal breaker, you can still tell him it's not on and he's to watch himself!

muboop1

Few times in the past I've told girls when trashed that i fancied and loved them or whatever, and funny thing was, when i woke up... well I firstly had no memory of it... and the feeling just weren't there. nor where they ever. I was just trashed!

As another person said, keep ears and eyes open. Or talk to him seriously.

What did he mean by shes his second faveourite?

That would be the most worrying I feel... Is he fancying other ppl even though he is with you??

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

I'm not going to break up with him. but I'm not going to let it drop so easily. I'm a bit conflicted with how I feel toward him right now...but I'm going to wait it out for a while and see how things go.

He told me how he spent all night crying and stuff...why do some people have to turn situations around so that you're the one ending up feeling sorry! He always does this, it's bloody immature, but this time, I'm just ignoring it.

jazzlewazzle

OOOP wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.

I'm not going to break up with him. but I'm not going to let it drop so easily. I'm a bit conflicted with how I feel toward him right now...but I'm going to wait it out for a while and see how things go.

He told me how he spent all night crying and stuff...why do some people have to turn situations around so that you're the one ending up feeling sorry! He always does this, it's bloody immature, but this time, I'm just ignoring it.

I am sorry to say this but he is full of B***.
He obviously has feelings for this other girl.
Maybe he is confusing love with "neediness"..


just cos he wants you around does not mean he loves you.
Depends on what you want - but would you not prefer to be on your own than be with someone who just needs you? You deserved to be loved - we all do - but only for ourselves and not what for what we can provide/give

sorry for being so harsh.. its just my opinion

LegacyUser

I think you will be dumping him before long. Did you ever hear "in vino, veritas", meaning the truth always comes out when drink is involved. Alcohol can make people lose their inhibitions, making them say what theyre thinking, when normally, they wouldnt. You are going to be watching him all the time, you shouldnt have to. Its up to you, good luck.

Canis Lupus

When I'm drunk and even when I'm blind drunk I know what I'm doing. I may not remember the following day but I know that at the time I say what I mean.

I know right now that I would never, ever say what your boyfriend said to another woman in front of my girlfriend. (Iwouldn't say it full stop). If you are happy that what he said was said from the heart then to be honest I'm not reeeeally sure how I'd react. I know boardsies in this forum just lurve to say "BREAK UP WITH HIM/HER" it's never that easy but if my GF said that to another fella in front of me I'd be fuuuuuucking crushed.

CDfm

Wow the guy told you she was second best after you and came on to her in front of you.

As well as drunk he would need to be deaf, dumb and blind.

I am a guy and I would look for an explanation.It would need to be a very good one.

DubLass

Speak to your friend and get her take on it, maybe hes saying a lot more to her than you actually heard on that occasion and maybe she cant approach you with it?