Recurring dreams of my ex

Mr. P

I have been having recurring dreams of my ex girlfriend quite recently. About a year ago I broke up with my ex and it hurt me badly. I was dumped by text and it took me a a couple of months to recover. I never felt so much for a woman as I did for her. We were togethr for over 2 years and I was contemplating marriage before we split.

However I thought I had gotten over her until I bumped into her in a niteclub last July. Since the breakup I have dated different women, went out and had fun, thought forgotten all about her. Anyway, as soon as I saw her, all the old feelings for her came back and it was from that point on I began to get recurring dreams about her. They happen roughly 2-3 times a month. Last night I had one and I woke up very upset. All the memories came flooding back. We split in vert acrimonious circumstances and I remember at the time that I was deeply upset. I had wanted to talk to her but she refused. Its like as if this issue has been unresolved and its been playing over and over in my mind since. I feel I just want a final closure on this and my mind would be at peace but I know that if I tried to contact her, she would ignore me. What do you think I should do? Should I contact her, meet up for final closure and put my mind at ease or simply move on. When I have these lapses I feel really miserable and down hearted. All of my friends are in relationships and are moving on with their lives while I am stuck and all alone. I feel so frustrated.

SarahSassy

She has no manners if she dumped you by text esp after 2 years so dont give her the ego boost of contacting her again. Your closure was when you got that text cos there is very little opportunity to go back on the way she treated you.

Why not put your efforts into meeting someone - internet dating etc. You had a lucky escape with her... She showed her true colours in the end.

Mr. P

Hi Sarah,

I just want final closure, meet her, tell her how I feel, ask her why she did it and leave it at that. I feel if I did it my mind would be finally at rest and I could move on. I feel trapped, like if I am being subconsciously held back.

I got bad news today regarding another girl I met in a club. we were together for a short while, flirting etc, before she admitted she had a boyfriend. I just flipped, verbally abused her and now i feel so horrible.

SarahSassy

I personally wouldnt. I think I would keep my pride.. I was badly let down a few years ago but once I had heard his excuses I walked away and never contacted him again. It was hard but the best revenge is being happy. She will only get a kick out of you calling her.

booksale

I understand ur need of the closure.

Contact her if you really want and you think you are strong enough. Be prepared that she will refuse to talk with u.

She had no manner at all to say goodbye to someone that was with her for two years by just a text.

You may send her an email or letter. Some people write down all the feelings and then throw them away.

All the best. Move on.

TheKid

no dont go there, keep moving on if she was interested shed make her move.

metrovelvet

Closure is the biggest myth of the end of the 1990s. Pain is not tidy.

Plus I dont think you want closure. I think you want Act II.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote: »

Closure is the biggest myth of the end of the 1990s. Pain is not tidy.

Plus I dont think you want closure. I think you want Act II.

+1000 Nail on the bloody head. Closure is great in theory on Oprahs couch but in the real world it's usually an excuse to either point score or as MV said, you want something more. I wouldnt bother. When someone lets you go, let them go.

MizzLolly

Wibbs wrote: »

When someone lets you go, let them go.

If only it was so easy though

I have been feeling the same myself OP, same thing happening, dreaming about him every third or fourth night at this stage. I often think that maybe talking to him would get me that closure but yet so much time has passed and I still haven't contacted him. Something is obviously holding me back from sending that text or making that call and I'm guessing that underneath it all I know that speaking to him won't change a thing. If he cared he wouldn't have left me so abruptly, like your ex did to you. (not by text but very out of the blue, was with somebody else the same day)
As much as I dream about him and regret the break up etc I reckon I know deep down that nothing good will come from seeing him and that this closure thing is something I have to achieve without him.

I know it's horrible waking up in the morning with it all still feeling bitterly raw. I woke up from one dream a while ago and cried for hours afterwards. I was dazed and numb all day long and even in work I felt withdrawn. It's absolutely horrible when it happens but I think it may be your own way of trying to deal with the stuff you didn't face at the time, I mean I never got the chance to explain how I felt afterwards or to find out how long the cheating went on for etc and I think it's this kind of open ending that makes it hard to move forward because you're still trying to figure out what the hell happened a year later.

Sorry if I'm rambling but you may be feeling like I do, in my case anyway it's the unexpressed feelings that cause the dreams which is probably why you feel that you want to talk to her. Part of you needs to let it all out. The reason I think this is true is because I woke up from a terrible dream a few weeks back where it was as though I'd just relived when my God Mother died. Like the dream above, I was shattered after it. It stunned me how much of an emotional impact it made because it came totally out of the blue and I reckon it was solely because I hadn't allowed myself to admit that I wished she'd be around for my graduation this month. This is why I think something similar is happening with you and your dreams. Those upsetting, vivid dreams always seem to come when you're really trying to lock in what you feel.

I really don't know if talking to her will help you, all I know is that in my case, if contacting him was really what I needed, I would have done it a year ago.
I hope you feel better soon.

magneticimpulse

well you saw her in the nightclub in july. what happened? did you talk or ignore each other? that in a way is closure from the text she sent. i was having dreams about my ex a few weeks ago when i was away for work. felt completely drained every morning. then my mam came to visit and reading your email today reminded me ive not had a dream with him in a week which is great. i had completely forgotten. dont give up, you are doing so well. if she was such a wonderful person she would never have dumped you. you have tried to meet other girls, but they are not going to be perfect. keep searching.

its been a year and dont think its good that she gets an ego boost from you contacting her. however if you can do it in a just friends, hows you way maybe. what you have to loose, if she says no, you never see her again anyway. but like others say, she would have contacted you, especially if you met in the club.

i think you also just feel bad for yourself about this girl who had a boyfriend which you met in a club

magneticimpulse

SarahSassy wrote: »

She has no manners if she dumped you by text esp after 2 years so dont give her the ego boost of contacting her again. Your closure was when you got that text cos there is very little opportunity to go back on the way she treated you.

Why not put your efforts into meeting someone - internet dating etc. You had a lucky escape with her... She showed her true colours in the end.

internet dating is really the worse possible thing ever!! i spent lots of money on these websites. this in "6 months guarantee find love" i stupidly fell for. the silly scams where if you dont cancel your card and 1 months subscription they rob you every month until you find out on your bank statement you have been charge 150 quid and not even a date. id rather stand in grafton street with a sign and offer blokes free pints with me then go into internet dating. its a money making racket and only the internet company is getting any love


then you feel worse when they advertise everyone finds love in 6 months and you havnt. they give you an extra 6 months free as they feel pity on you and you still dont find the love they guaranteed. you are left with feeling worse then ever before. definitely best avoided. heard more success rate from copper face jacks than this

oh and just to add. then when you do meet a person in real life. they stumble upon your online dating profile...which you had forgotten about years ago. they either think you still looking for someone or what the hell you needed to try that for can you not find normal guys in normal places??

just my lessons from internet dating. never going back to it again

ash23

OK, this is my limited experience and it's a bit humiliating for me to admit but it might help so feck it, I'll admit it

Closure doesn't exist. Believe me. She messed you around and you say you want answers as to why. You'll never get them. She probably doesnt even know herself why.

When my ex split with me I wanted closure, I wanted answers. I hounded him for answers. Some I am glad I got as they would still torment me now. Some I wish I'd never known.
All I needed to know was he had been cheating as I'd suspected. I didn't need to know the ins and outs, the wheres and hows, the minute details. I didn't need to know about the drunken kiss with the girl I knew at the very start of our relationship. There are a million things I literally hounded him for. I pushed and pushed and pushed for answers to my questions. And it made me feel worse and worse and made me slightly more unhinged than I have ever been and would ever like to be again.
After those answers I had more questions. I still wasn't satisfied.

The only reason I stopped looking for closure was because I realised I was making an unholy show of myself. I was coming off looking like the deranged ex, hell, thats exactly what I was! Which suited his purposes perfectly as it gave him the "free from guilt" he wanted. Basically I was nuts and he was lucky to have gotten away

I eventually accepted that I would never get the answers I wanted as they didn't exist. I would never get the result I wanted. Nothing he could tell me could make me feel better.

So I just stopped. Stopped speaking to him, stopped thinking about him, stoppped mulling over the why, why, why that was going around and around in my head.

I still occasionally have a dream where he is involved and sometimes they can make me sad but no more so than when I dream about something else sad or wistful.



If I ever get involved and dumped again I'll be walking away and finding my own answers and accepting that I can't control everything in my life and sometimes I just have to accept that. I'll be keeping my dignity and pride and walking away without a backward glance.


Now, I may go and delete my pic from TLL or I'll never score again after that admission of psycho ex behaviour!

magneticimpulse

ash23 wrote: »

OK, this is my limited experience and it's a bit humiliating for me to admit but it might help so feck it, I'll admit it

Closure doesn't exist. Believe me. She messed you around and you say you want answers as to why. You'll never get them. She probably doesnt even know herself why.

When my ex split with me I wanted closure, I wanted answers. I hounded him for answers. Some I am glad I got as they would still torment me now. Some I wish I'd never known.
All I needed to know was he had been cheating as I'd suspected. I didn't need to know the ins and outs, the wheres and hows, the minute details. I didn't need to know about the drunken kiss with the girl I knew at the very start of our relationship. There are a million things I literally hounded him for. I pushed and pushed and pushed for answers to my questions. And it made me feel worse and worse and made me slightly more unhinged than I have ever been and would ever like to be again.
After those answers I had more questions. I still wasn't satisfied.

The only reason I stopped looking for closure was because I realised I was making an unholy show of myself. I was coming off looking like the deranged ex, hell, thats exactly what I was! Which suited his purposes perfectly as it gave him the "free from guilt" he wanted. Basically I was nuts and he was lucky to have gotten away

I eventually accepted that I would never get the answers I wanted as they didn't exist. I would never get the result I wanted. Nothing he could tell me could make me feel better.

So I just stopped. Stopped speaking to him, stopped thinking about him, stoppped mulling over the why, why, why that was going around and around in my head.

I still occasionally have a dream where he is involved and sometimes they can make me sad but no more so than when I dream about something else sad or wistful.



If I ever get involved and dumped again I'll be walking away and finding my own answers and accepting that I can't control everything in my life and sometimes I just have to accept that. I'll be keeping my dignity and pride and walking away without a backward glance.


Now, I may go and delete my pic from TLL or I'll never score again after that admission of psycho ex behaviour!

hi ash23, your comment is good! i think ex bf's have a way of getting out of a bad situation and making the girl look like the raving ex bunny boiler....when all along they were playing the game. they somehow know how to twist everything, so you look like the bad guy. what i like is that you learned from this behaviour and the way to cope next time. its really good advice. definitely what i will be doing from now on. dont worry im sure theres lots of people who react in this way at some stage and then learn from it.

paddles

here's my tuppence worth. was dumped 2 weeks ago by ex BF and even though we talked at the time, i still felt i had unanswered questions and over the past week we've exchanged a couple of emails. i was wrecking my head as to know how things went wrong so quickly as he said he'd only started to doubt things the last couple of weeks. we'd been together 8 months.

so he did answer some of my questions but heaped all the blame on me. he dished up stuff i'd mentioned about past experiences and how it had bothered him. it all seemd so trivial and lame excuses in a way. he never talked to me when we went out otgether about these "issues" but threw them back in my face in the end.

i "reviewed" the realtionship a couple of times and he told me all was fine.

so really, while i got "answers", i don't accept them and feel even more mad at him now than before. only good thing is that he left himself looking in a bad light and i think now i'm better off. closure? i'm not that sure tho'... cos the "answers" will bug me for a while to come..