Please help with teen !

Jess11

I have a son who just started in DIT in Sept. He hates the course. I 've spoken to the college and they said he is not turning up for half the lectures( though he leaves the house every day to go!). He hasn't handed in any assignments. Basically he is not going to get through 1st year even in this course.
He asked to repeat the Leaving a few weeks ago, but I thought he was just finding 1st year a bit tough and he'd be ok. Now I know he has no chance of finishing the course. I rang around and it's too late to get into a repeat leaving cert class noe. Don't think he'd cope in the Institute. He got cold feet during leaving cert exams and took all pass subjects except Irish and English. Got an honour in Irish but not in English so he didn't get any Level 8 choices. He got A's and B's in all pass papers and should have got honours English, his best subject.
Any ideas about what he can do now. I'm so worried about him. He's very immature. I don't want to let him hang around doing nothing for the year. He could repeat English and he would be eligible for some Level 8 courses if he got the honour but he only has 330 points due to the fact that he took pass papers ( having done the honours course in each subject throughout the year)
I would be so grateful for any advice. I'm up the walls at the moment.

Danniboo

If he's finished school, passed his Leaving Cert and has his mind set on college I don't really think there's much you can do in terms of him not liking the course. He may be able to start a course next year and work and save this year( can't be too sure in the current climate). I think he's done well to get this far and to come down on him because he doesn't like his course is a bit harsh. Question, why does he lie to you about missing lectures? Is he afraid of disapponting you? I think you should let him live his life he's proved he's not a waster and he's only young. Maybe he can do his Leaving Cert next year or another course next year it's up to him to decide you don't want him doing a course that's going to make him miserable or that he has no intention of working in. I think you need to focus on the positive that he's finished school isn't a junkie or a bum and has every intention of leading a good life. You need to let him know your proud of him rather than freaking out about what he's going to do for a few months. I hope this doesn't sound like an attack it's just my opinion on the situation of course and I could be wrong I don't have all the facts. But I find it strange when a young adult has to lie to his parents and go off and pretend to go to lectures every day.

Sir Ophiuchus

Speaking as someone who was very into college when 18, very excited originally about my course, and perfectly able for it, and still ended up failing a year and switching courses due to hating what I was studying...

Talk to him. Seriously. I know, you've tried ... but as you describe him I'm sure he finds it difficult to talk about how he's feeling around this with his Mum. And you need to know how he feels.

He asked to repeat the Leaving - do you know why? You said you thought he just hadn't settled in well - but did he say that? I suggest asking him, in a serious discussion. I get that he's very immature (or you consider him to be, but I'll take your word for it) but at 18 he should be taking some responsibility for his direction - and, hey, taking a step like considering repeating the Leaving is a start.

Basically, what I think is that there's always a reason when someone's failing a course like this, and usually more than one. What might your son be going through at the moment? Is he angry at himself for not doing better in the Leaving and not getting into a better course, and is that poisoning his feelings about his course in DIT? Is he feeling under so much pressure (internal or external, I'm not blaming you) to do well that it just overloads him and he can't perform? Is it stuff completely unrelated to college at all (depression, personal issues, something else)?

Reading over what I've just written, it seems a little harsh on you, which isn't my intention. You come across as a very concerned mother who genuinely wants the best for her son and is worried sick because she doesn't know what to do. It probably wasn't easy to ask for advice about this either. What I suggest is sitting down (by yourself first) and working out how you feel about this and why. Are you upset, angry, disappointed, fearful, a mix? Why? Is it that you worry for your son's future, is it that you're angry he's not living up to his potential, is it that you feel like you should protect him but can't protect him from himself, is it any number of other reasons?

Then talk to your son about it.

Tell him how you feel, and why. Don't accuse, just set it out. Explain that you're worried. Then ask him how he feels around it. Maybe ask gently is there anything up that you mightn't be aware of. Reassure him that you're proud of how far he's come and the obstacles he's overcome on the way (getting an OK Leaving and into a respected course is still an accomplishment) and you want to work out what might be best for him.

And then, with luck, the pair of you can figure out what's happening and what might be best for your son to do going forward. If he wants to work with his current course, the college will have supports in place. If he has issues to deal with, you can talk about them and maybe have him make an appointment with a college counselor. If he wants to go for something else, you can research the options available to him. If he does end up repeating the Leaving (not an option most very immature 18-year-olds would find attractive - bear in mind the fact that he seems willing to work for it) there are plently of options like getting a regular one-on-one grind once or twice a week and working away on set work between those times that will be just as effective if he's willing to put in the work.

I honestly believe that once you and your son can work out a better understanding of where he's at and how he feels about his course and goals, you can help him get on track to where he wants to be. Because I can guarantee you he doesn't want to be where he's at right now (failing his course, missing lectures, hating the college) any more than you want him there. What he needs is your help and support to get out of this rut, and I have no doubt about your ability to give it.

This ended up very long, but I wanted to cover it seriously. Best wishes for both you and your son, and I sincerely hope that things work out well for you both.

paperclip2

Hi Op
At his age and if he is immature as you say he is then he may not be hearing you right now. If he could talk to a third party, someone neutral he might be able to open up a bit more about what went wrong. DIT has a careers/ guidance service. He is still a student and they will have seen this kind of thing before. Maybe he could speak to them. Heres a link: http://www.dit.ie/campuslife/careers/studentsandgraduates/changingcourse/

*Puts on guidance counsellor hat*:). I know its cold comfort in the here and now but he is very young, its not the end of the world and he does have options. 330 points from pass papers is a very good score. Yes, he could have done better if he had taken honours but this is the reality. For your own sake try to take a deep breath and step back from the situation. This is a blip on your sons radar, nothing more. It will not define him. The important thing to do is find out what went wrong with the LC and take it from there. I'm assuming that this course wasn't his first choice. Maybe he had his heart set on something else and didn't think too much about the reality of other course options. But it is all fixable.

One thing I'll say though is if he leaves the course officially before Christmas then he should only forfeit fees and grant entitlement for the first half of any other first year course. If he leaves it much later he might lose all his first year entitlement. You could check this with admissions.

Good luck OP.

Danniboo

Again, i'm not trying to be harsh or critical. I only just seen that he got 330points in his leaving which in my opinion is a perfectly respectable Leaving Cert. Where did he get the idea this was not good, or is it him that thinks its not good. You say you rang his college, would you often do this. Are you still treating it as "school". If my mam rang the college on me while I was there i'd be like WTF? Surely his college life and work is his responsibility? Perhaps the college mentioned you'd phoned and he feels utterly humiliated. You seem quite a caring loving parent but do you think you may have molly coddled him which may be a contributing factor to his immaturity. I'm sorry for all the negatives in my post but I just think it's strange someones parents would ring up their college and the only thing thats really wrong here in my opinion is the fact he cannot talk to his parents about hating college.

Jess11

Thanks a lot to you all for all that support.
I look positively on all of it.

I have never rung the college before, but I inadvertently opened a letter from the college that had no initial in the address and I thought it was for his dad.
I explained this to him and he accepts that I opened it in error.

I am just dreadfully worried for my son. He went to one of the best schools in the country(non-fee paying). He really enjoyed his time there with both the students and teachers, but didn't kill himself studying. I personally was relieved that he got 330 points, but I know that he regretted not studying harder. Finds it hard to study though.

I am just so worried for him at the moment as he's so mixed up and doesn't know what to do.
( It's not infringing on his social life, mind you!!)
He has told us that he hates the course and never wanted to do it, but it was his only offer.
I thought if we left him in it for the year, that he might change his mind about it.

He wanted to do "anything"?? in UCD because most of his friends are there.

He wanted to repeat the LC because two of his friends are in a nearby school repeating and it would be a way of getting out of the course he is doing.
He doesn't want to talk about it cause he feels he's made a mess of things.
He'll be relieved when we tell him this weekend that he can leave the course.
I was hoping I would have some suggestions for him before we told him.

Thanks a lot for all the help though. I guess his dad and I will have to have a long discussion with him about what happens next.

starttheend

As someone who was in a very similar situation to your son at 18, I'd like to give a bit of advice. I didn't enjoy college at all, barely attended, changed courses, failed a year, repeated a year, before eventually dropping out. Through all of this my parents never tried to influence what I did, they just left me to make my own decisions, which was the best thing they could do. I found my own way, and now have a good job and am very happy.

My advice would be to talk to your son and tell him to do what he believes will make him happy, and do your best to support him through it, I know this is very hard to do without interfearing, but at 18 very few boys know how to listen to advice, they really do have to find there own way through things.
As far as college goes, what might be happening with your son, as happened me is that he is just not that suited to it. I started first year and everyone told me I would be having the time of my life etc., but I actually hated it, and then you wonder what is wrong because you are supposed to be loving it but your not. It just doesn't suit some people, but that takes awhile to accept. Ther good thing is he is only only 18, he has so much time to find what he really wants in life, he may make some mistakes, as I did, but its a part of life. At 18 he needs to start making his own decisions, and the best thing you can do is support him through it. Good luck.

Danniboo

Jess11 wrote: »

He wanted to do "anything"?? in UCD because most of his friends are there.

He wanted to repeat the LC because two of his friends are in a nearby school repeating and it would be a way of getting out of the course he is doing.
.

I see now what you mean bout the immature side of things. I went the other end of the country to do a course I wanted and didn't know anyone. Is he a bit insecure about being in a college without his mates. He's not thinking of whats best for his future if he's simply following the crowd. All you can do is sit down and try and advice him, tell him he'll have plenty of time for seeing his friends once he's finished his studies. . I did a PLC course when I was 17 and I absolutely hated it so I left and felt nothing but relief. The teachers seemed just as bemused as I was which is probably why I hated it so much. I went on to college then and loved it. He has to find whats right for him.Best of luck with it, hope he gets himself sorted

Lollipops23

I got 335 points in my leaving, was totally dissappointed. Went to a repeat college,hated it, didn't settle, my heart wasn't in it.

I ended up dropping out and applying to a whole bunch of plc/further education colleges. I did this before I dropped out, without telling my parents. I aced all the interviews and was accepted to 2 different courses.

I went to one the following september after working to save up a bit of dosh, and got my HND. I'm graduating from my degree tonight.


Your son will be fine if you just let him do his own thing and support his decisions. And do both of you a favour, DO NOT ring his college, stay out of his college life as much as possible.

Xterminator

Well no-ones said it,so i would advise that is he is not committed to his studies, perhaps a year or 2 in the real world trying to get a job, working in an entry level position etc will open his eyes as it were.

He can always go back to college later.

i know that from my position i was a very lasy student. I did the bare minimum to get by. forward a few years later, after working till the wee hours in a fast food restaurant, serving drunks, i had a complete change of heart.

I went back as a mature student, and give my studies a proper effort. nothing like cleaing up puke and scrubbing toilets to open your eyes, i can tell you.

So, IMO a dose of reality might be the best medicine.

Cuddlesworth

Tell him to leave and get a job. He's currently a perfect candidate for Mac Donalds and minimum wage. Charge him rent because minimum wage is easy living with no bills. He will wise up in about 6 months when he gains some perspective on real life. Everybody I know who went to a good school and coasted by while being propped up by their parents had to do this. The bad thing is some of them have only started to cop on nine years later.