Boyfriend pretending to go to work

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I can't believe I'm actually writing this, it's so ridiculous.

I'm with my bf a few years, he's 31 and I'm 27. We don't live together but spend alot of time together and are very close. I am really good to him and would hav ethought he could share anything with me safe in the knowledge that I'd understand.

I'm working full-time and so is he for a big sales company...or so I thought. Turns out I was wrong. He got fired (not let go - fired for always being late) a month ago and never told me.
Even when I'd stay over at his house and get up at 7am for work so would he. He'd leave the house and prentend to go to work.

He is 31 years old ffs!!! He is not a child. Christmas is around the corner and I knwo he can't be feeling good right now but I am so angry at him for not telling me. This affects me.

He lost a job before and I suppported him. I used to buy him little presents to cheer him up, even just a six pack of beer. I paid our rent (we lived together at teh time) and now he gets up and pretends to go to work.

His reason - I was scared to tell you. That makes me feel like a witch. He is a child and my attraction for him has shot down.

How would you feel guys?

I feel like ending it cause I don't want to have sex with an immature little boy.

God I'm livid!!

LegacyUser

christ....id say finish with him
you are not being supportive at all and thats what he needs right now
he doesnt need the added pressure of being called a child and making him feel even more useless than he is already feeling from being out of a job

why would you feel like a witch? how do you know he didnt tell you because he thought that youd think less of him for getting fired for being late?
and im sorry but the way you are reacting to this is quite witchy!
why didnt you just hug him and laugh and tell him he was being silly, that he could share anything with you and that youd get through it together????

but no, youve decided to either dump him or withhold sex....yea.....HES the immature one...i dont think so, read your post again and really think about it, men can feel like **** too and need a shoulder to lean on.

seamus

He's embarrassed and perhaps a little insecure. Aside from the embarrassment, he may be afraid that if he tells you that he lost a (nother) job, you'll think he's a complete failure and leave him for someone else. This is why he'd be scared to tell you - not because he's afraid that you'll fly off the handle.

This is a problem that needs to be addressed. It's very normal for men to keep our problems to ourselves and try to fix them ourselves, but if you're in a relationship which is presumably going somewhere, then he needs to learn how to share his problems with you - regardless of whether or not you can help, you just need to know about things which affect you both. But getting angry and shouting about it won't help. If every one of his problem is going to result in a shouting match, then he's not going to tell you any of them.

LegacyUser

OP if i were you i too would be gutted. I would be very upset that he felt he could not tell me and that we could work through it together. To me that shows a lot about what he thinks of you relationship which i think is a far bigger issue.
If I were you I would leave my anger at the door and try to figure the bigger issue as to why he feels that when something massively negative happens to him that he cannot rely on you? (i am not saying this is your fault but there is a problem there that needs to be sorted)

metrovelvet

Ive heard of this before. Men and work and income are all tied up with pride and ego. He is probably ashamed and feels like less of a man in your eyes.

I know you think he is a child, but I can understand his shame and maybe be a bit easy on him. Just look at how much this must have affected his pride if he is making the effort to pretend to go to work everyday.

Try to be understanding and he will see how silly he is being.

LegacyUser

I don't think many women understand just how much losing your job can affect you as a man. Despite how far we have supposedly come it is still the man's job to provide and not being able to makes you feel useless. You feel like you are letting everyone down most of all your partner. In fairness its not like hes been going to an amusement park when he was pretending to go to work he was more than likely going to interviews and searching for a new job every day. He is ashamed that he has let you down and probably didn't want to spoil your christmas. He was afraid to tell you not because hes afraid you'll get angry with him but because he was afraid you'd lose respect for him.

Just to put that in perspective, my friends father committed suicide after losing his job. The family only found out after he died that for the past few months he had been pretending to go to work and his debts were spiralling out of control.

Terodil

dfsfsdfds5 wrote: »

Just to put that in perspective, my friends father committed suicide after losing his job. The family only found out after he died that for the past few months he had been pretending to go to work and his debts were spiralling out of control.

And sadly, that happens all too often. It's a massively understated problem in society and a huge taboo.

OP, I can fully understand how you feel. If you truly love somebody you want to share their pain and be able to help them. And if they don't confide in you, that feels like a blow to your very core.

That said, however -- you need to understand that this is not about you or the relationship. As somebody else said, work is a defining part of the identity of many people, and especially so the majority of men. If they suddenly lose their job, they lose part of their identity, and it sends them spiralling into a depression more often than not, which can even lead to suicide.

Your bf has lived in denial for that time. It sounds a bit strange to you maybe, but he probably truly made himself believe that he went to work in the mornings and came home in the evenings. The human psyche is capable of such feats under duress. He totally blanked it. Of course he didn't tell you if he didn't want to realise it himself!

So while I fully understand your emotional pain in this situation, please understand him a bit and realise that he has a big, big psychological problem. Calling him an immature little boy, withholding sex etc. indeed is the worst possible reaction. You need to talk it through with him, with all aspects (incl. why he kept coming in late -- that is what I personally don't understand), and help him rebuild confidence.

This is a time of crisis for him first and foremost, and unfortunately you, as his gf, got caught up in it and suffered some fallout. This is a proof point of your relationship ('in good times and bad...').

Good luck.

dublingal80

op, take a step back and try not to get so angry with him because it really wont help the situation
He lost a job before and you were there for him, which is great. but maybe he didnt tell you because he got fired, and trying to find a job at the moemnt is near impossible and he didnt want to let you down. men feel the need to be providers, look after their family/girlfriend/whatever. They arent able to be the ones that are looked after

his pride was probably completely torn and id say he was hoping to get another job before you found out.

Dont fight with him. sit down and talk to him more and help him secure something else.

banquo

OP, he should have told you. However:

Suddenly not being able to provide is a huge source of shame for so many men. What he did was wrong, but things will just get even worse if you add to the shame.

LegacyUser

I didn't expect such a negative response towards me.

I undersrand that losing your job as a man or a woman is very upsetting. Like I said, i stood by him before when he was let go and I even paid teh rent for 8 months straight.

I am angry that he withheld this from me. I am angry that he felt he couldn't come to me especially after I stood by him before. I am angry that during a recession he was late for work so often that he got fired.

He is a grown man of 31 years. Why was he always late? Because he's immature and disrespectful to the company. After any football game he'll go out and get hammered and turn up late for work. I was always telling him to watch him but he took it so lightly.

He is a musican so he doesn't take 'real' jobs seriosuly.

I can't believe I'm getting called a witch over this. He has acted so badly IMO and my attraction has shot down. I'm not withholding sex, I just don't feel like having sex witha liar and a child. That would make me a paedophile!
Seriosuly though, I'm just livid right now. First thing i would do is tell him if I got fired.

How Strange

I can see it from both sides and I can definitely understand why the OP is upset and angry. On top of that she's been here before and supported him emotionally and financially. Now she's lost respect for him which is quite a horrible thing to feel when you're in a relationship with someone. It seems like her OH doesn't trust her enough to tell her he's unemployed.

However, from his side he got fired. That's not a nice thing to have to admit to. Being made redundant is out of your control but you're fired because you did something wrong.

OP, if you see the two of you being together in the longterm you have to deal with the situation. I think your OH is like most men and when times are tough they bury their heads in the ground and pretend everything is ok. What would he do for you if you were in his place? Would he support you and tell you everything will work out for the best?

I think if you can empathise with your OH you'll gradually become less angry about the whole thing however you do have to talk to him about what he intends to do now to get work etc. He has to take responsibility for what happened and make sure you're not the one carrying the burden until he finds work again.

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote: »

I can see it from both sides and I can definitely understand why the OP is upset and angry. On top of that she's been here before and supported him emotionally and financially. Now she's lost respect for him which is quite a horrible thing to feel when you're in a relationship with someone. It seems like her OH doesn't trust her enough to tell her he's unemployed.

However, from his side he got fired. That's not a nice thing to have to admit to. Being made redundant is out of your control but you're fired because you did something wrong.

OP, if you see the two of you being together in the longterm you have to deal with the situation. I think your OH is like most men and when times are tough they bury their heads in the ground and pretend everything is ok. What would he do for you if you were in his place? Would he support you and tell you everything will work out for the best?

I think if you can empathise with your OH you'll gradually become less angry about the whole thing however you do have to talk to him about what he intends to do now to get work etc. He has to take responsibility for what happened and make sure you're not the one carrying the burden until he finds work again.

You know what How Strange? I feel a million times better after reading your post. All I really needed was for somebody to empathise with me and see my side. Of course my anger will subside and I'll stand by him. I absolutely love him and he won't be unemployed forever. I just needed to be angry for a while and you recognised that.

Thank you all for your replies (except teh guy who called me a witch). Especially thanks to you How Strange for getting it.

The Recliner

angrypanda wrote: »

I didn't expect such a negative response towards me.

I undersrand that losing your job as a man or a woman is very upsetting. Like I said, i stood by him before when he was let go and I even paid teh rent for 8 months straight.

I am angry that he withheld this from me. I am angry that he felt he couldn't come to me especially after I stood by him before. I am angry that during a recession he was late for work so often that he got fired.

He is a grown man of 31 years. Why was he always late? Because he's immature and disrespectful to the company. After any football game he'll go out and get hammered and turn up late for work. I was always telling him to watch him but he took it so lightly.

He is a musican so he doesn't take 'real' jobs seriosuly.

I can't believe I'm getting called a witch over this. He has acted so badly IMO and my attraction has shot down. I'm not withholding sex, I just don't feel like having sex witha liar and a child. That would make me a paedophile!
Seriosuly though, I'm just livid right now. First thing i would do is tell him if I got fired.

angrypanda wrote: »

You know what How Strange? I feel a million times better after reading your post. All I really needed was for somebody to empathise with me and see my side. Of course my anger will subside and I'll stand by him. I absolutely love him and he won't be unemployed forever. I just needed to be angry for a while and you recognised that.

Thank you all for your replies (except teh guy who called me a witch). Especially thanks to you How Strange for getting it.

If you just want people to agree with you and want to let off steam then there is the Ranting and Raving forum for that

You asked how people would feel and got opinions back, no need to lash out because these opinions didn't agree with you or were not what you wanted to hear, people were just trying to help you see why your boyfriend might hide it from you

As for the witch comment, you mentioned it in your first post so I assume that is why that term was used against you

squonk

angrypanda wrote: »

I feel like ending it cause I don't want to have sex with an immature little boy.

What an awful thing to say! you're disgraceful OP. Being fired is the worst possible thing that can happen in the normal course of events for a guy, or a gal even! It's one thing to be laid off, it's quite another thing to be fired and it's so demoralising and confidence destroying.

I think you need to act with a bit more understanding. I know you're mad but you don't come across well. I'll be brutally honest and say that by the tone of your mail, I'd be scared to come home to you to say I was fired too.

Please get off your high horse and try to understand how he is feeling. I will say he was an idiot to get fired for something like being constantly late. That's a silly reason for being fired. He needs to work on that His world has been pulled from under him and when you're that down, evena a smile or a hug and a bit of understanding can make the world of difference. Later you can both work through him shaping up so it doesn't happen again.

To be honest OP, if you don't change your mind on this, then he'd be better off if you dumped him.

Just try to put yourself in his position. Try to imagine how you'd feel.

Gone Drinking

If you were my girlfriend and you were going on like this on a regular basis, i'd be scared of you too.. Not scared enough to stop me showing you the door though.

Seriously, get a grip and be supportive. You're the one acting like a child in my opinion.

seamus

angrypanda wrote: »

He is a grown man of 31 years. Why was he always late? Because he's immature and disrespectful to the company. After any football game he'll go out and get hammered and turn up late for work. I was always telling him to watch him but he took it so lightly.

...

I can't believe I'm getting called a witch over this. He has acted so badly IMO and my attraction has shot down. I'm not withholding sex, I just don't feel like having sex witha liar and a child. That would make me a paedophile!
Seriosuly though, I'm just livid right now. First thing i would do is tell him if I got fired.

This is probably why he was withholding it from you, because you'd fly off the handle at him. There's nothing more annoying than a "told you so"er.

Without making any assumptions about your relationship, you need to lay off the nagging, seriously. Nagging doesn't help, at all. Yes, it's an attempt to help someone, but 90% of the time, nagging will cause the man to in fact do entirely the opposite of what you're suggesting.

Now he feels like a complete plonker for getting fired over something as childish as being late and all you want to do is have a go at him and tell him that he's an idiot. That's not helpful, and is not going to help.

As I said earlier, yes this is a problem, and yes he was in the wrong, but that doesn't mean you get to sit back and give him the evils until he comes to you cap in hand apologising. That's going to make him even *less* likely to come to you with problems in the future.
You need to discuss this with him rationally, without nagging or being condescending and without getting upset about it.

If you want to just have a good bitch about it, go talk to your mates.

petethebrick

OP-
Don't listen to all of the idiot responses, some people!
As regards your boyfriend, yes it was stupid and immature of him not to tell you he lost his job. People talking about shame etc blah blah blah
Only you know if you need to break up with him.....

Moomoo1

The stigma attached to being unemployed in this country is _just_ unbelievable! Do people not realise that not everyone can be employed at the same time? Do people not realise that some people, somewhere, would have to be out of work?

Maybe if people were more understanding to unemployed people then this situation wouldn't happen so often? I really think this is the society's problem, not the problem of the OP or her OH per se...

Floppybits

I have been reading what people have been saying on here and I think the OP is correct to be annoyed and angry at her boyfriend.

Firstly her boyfriend lost his job not through redundancy or anything like that but by being sacked for turning up late and you can be sure that it wasnt just once he was late but he was consistently late. He would have been warned about this as well by his employers and yet he didn't take notice, as he was sacked.

To me that is the boyfriends fault and no one else's. It would be different if the he was let go through no fault of his own but he wasn't he was sacked, through his own negligence. This has nothing to do with the down turn and what lots of hard working people are going through, this is the boyfriends fault and no one elses.

So to me the OP has a right to be angry. Firstly angry at not being told by her boyfriend that he was in trouble in work, Secondly by not being told that he was sacked. The boyfriend couldnt tell the OP he had no job because it was his fault.

Now if he lost his job because of the downturn and the OP was angry well then it would be right to say what has been said, but OP isn't angry because he was made redundant or let go, he was sacked. The OP is right to angry and yes the OP is right the Boyfriend is immature.

OP if I was you I would sit down with him and discuss this, it is no ones fault but his own simple as that, and he needs to improve himself especially in the times that we live in now and to grow up and accept responsibility and if he cant do that then OP I would consider ending the relationship.

dublingal80

angrypanda wrote: »

I didn't expect such a negative response towards me.

I undersrand that losing your job as a man or a woman is very upsetting. Like I said, i stood by him before when he was let go and I even paid teh rent for 8 months straight.

I am angry that he withheld this from me. I am angry that he felt he couldn't come to me especially after I stood by him before. I am angry that during a recession he was late for work so often that he got fired.

He is a grown man of 31 years. Why was he always late? Because he's immature and disrespectful to the company. After any football game he'll go out and get hammered and turn up late for work. I was always telling him to watch him but he took it so lightly.

He is a musican so he doesn't take 'real' jobs seriosuly.

I can't believe I'm getting called a witch over this. He has acted so badly IMO and my attraction has shot down. I'm not withholding sex, I just don't feel like having sex witha liar and a child. That would make me a paedophile!
Seriosuly though, I'm just livid right now. First thing i would do is tell him if I got fired.

i can understand you a little bit more since he is a musician. I dated one before and OMG he was sooooooo self absorbed. Hated working, wanted to go out and live his dream but it wasnt happening, not for the lack of talent. He would constantly call in sick to work cos he couldnt go in to face it and even told them his dad had a heartattack so he could take a couple of weeks off work. he ended up quitting but ask me for money to pay for his rent, as he wasnt working - I surely know how to pick them!!


you really seem so so so so SO angry (see highlighted part). Im sure he thought he would be fine work wise, that he actually wouldnt get fired. Id say he is just completely ashamed of himself that he got fired, especially for the reason.

LegacyUser

Floppybits wrote: »

I have been reading what people have been saying on here and I think the OP is correct to be annoyed and angry at her boyfriend.

Firstly her boyfriend lost his job not through redundancy or anything like that but by being sacked for turning up late and you can be sure that it wasnt just once he was late but he was consistently late. He would have been warned about this as well by his employers and yet he didn't take notice, as he was sacked.

To me that is the boyfriends fault and no one else's. It would be different if the he was let go through no fault of his own but he wasn't he was sacked, through his own negligence. This has nothing to do with the down turn and what lots of hard working people are going through, this is the boyfriends fault and no one elses.

So to me the OP has a right to be angry. Firstly angry at not being told by her boyfriend that he was in trouble in work, Secondly by not being told that he was sacked. The boyfriend couldnt tell the OP he had no job because it was his fault.

Now if he lost his job because of the downturn and the OP was angry well then it would be right to say what has been said, but OP isn't angry because he was made redundant or let go, he was sacked. The OP is right to angry and yes the OP is right the Boyfriend is immature.

OP if I was you I would sit down with him and discuss this, it is no ones fault but his own simple as that, and he needs to improve himself especially in the times that we live in now and to grow up and accept responsibility and if he cant do that then OP I would consider ending the relationship.

Thank you so much. I can't honestly believe the pity my bf is getting and the tac I'm getting!!

We were planning on moving in together in a few weeks time and I've been saving for it but he was missing work and acting the idiot and now he's out of work. You don't disrespect your employer by being consistently late during a recession. He is an idiot plain and simple.

He was given a verbal warning and a week later was out drinking and late in again. I'm not talking 10 minutes late, I'm talking 2 hours late. He was strolling in at 11...2 hours after his start time.

He is a grown man and no matter what any high horse on here says, I am angry and have every bloody right to be. I am a kind gf, not a nag but this is ridiculous.

I paid rent for us for 8 months when he got let go but getting the bullet over lateness is a different story.

His answer - I didn't like the job anyway.
Grrrrrrr

Sephiroth_dude

You've every right to be angry,he was lieing to ffs.

Mcloke

Well in fairness reading you when you are in a mad as hell mood...I probably wouldn't have told you I got myself fired in a recession

Yes being two hours late for work is totally taking the mick and he rightly ended up fired for it but just as much as there had to be a reason behind him not turning up to work on time, there is also a reason why he hid the fact from you esp as he had to pretend to be going to work at times.

I do appreciate why you are mad but if it happened to me, yes I would be mad, but I would be far more concerned about what the hell was going on between us that my partner couldn't tell me such a major thing had happened in their life. The why he didn't tell you is the key....you need an honest answer to that. This is not me letting your bf off the hook and attacking you but I think you need to have a proper discussion about what is going on and how you can overcome/fix it...if it can be overcome/fixed.

Good luck

P.S. His current answer of I didn't like the job anyway is avoidance and not the truth which I am sure you know

I'm not sure what the other posters are on, but I'd have shown him the door already, even just for the fact that he got fired for being late all the time. That's really pathetic at the age of 31. And then pretending to go to work every day? I understand how men feel about jobs and income, but it also takes a man to be honest and truthful to his partner, not sneak around like a silly little coward. How pathetic can you be? OP wants a partner, not an immature child.

dublingal80

Mcloke wrote: »

Well in fairness reading you when you are in a mad as hell mood...I probably wouldn't have told you I got myself fired in a recession

Yes being two hours late for work is totally taking the mick and he rightly ended up fired for it but just as much as there had to be a reason behind him not turning up to work on time, there is also a reason why he hid the fact from you esp as he had to pretend to be going to work at times.

I do appreciate why you are mad but if it happened to me, yes I would be mad, but I would be far more concerned about what the hell was going on between us that my partner couldn't tell me such a major thing had happened in their life. The why he didn't tell you is the key....you need an honest answer to that. This is not me letting your bf off the hook and attacking you but I think you need to have a proper discussion about what is going on and how you can overcome/fix it...if it can be overcome/fixed.

Good luck

P.S. His current answer of I didn't like the job anyway is avoidance and not the truth which I am sure you know

++++++1

I hundred million perfect agree. Yeah Id be angry he got fired, definitely not to the extent that you would be, saying you would feel like a paedophile if you slept with him, but honestly my may concern would be why he never told me. Why he felt he couldnt trust me and open up to me, especially since I was there before. Id feel really hurt that after all the years and everything we have been through that he wasnt able to just be honest.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];63224256]I'm not sure what the other posters are on, but I'd have shown him the door already, even just for the fact that he got fired for being late all the time. That's really pathetic at the age of 31. And then pretending to go to work every day? I understand how men feel about jobs and income, but it also takes a man to be honest and truthful to his partner, not sneak around like a silly little coward. How pathetic can you be? OP wants a partner, not an immature child.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for summing it up.

God, some people on here are unreal. In real life and if it was happening to you I bet alot of you would change your tune pretty quickly. If your gf/bf did what mine did I doubt you'd be thinking 'well done baby, that's so sexy of you, lets get jiggy!'.

It is pathetic and by extention he is pathetic.
It really is that simple.

Wagon

angrypanda wrote: »

He has acted so badly IMO and my attraction has shot down. I'm not withholding sex, I just don't feel like having sex witha liar and a child. That would make me a paedophile!

Im starting to maybe see a reason of why the chap has kept this from you. I'm not saying what he did was right, he should have told you. But if he did, how would you have honestly reacted? For all we know, if he had told you, you might still be posting here complaining he lost his job.

Terodil

You're in such a blind rage you're not listening, OP. Not to him, not to us.

I honestly wonder: why are you even posting here?

I wouldn't go as far as say 'no surprise he didn't tell you' but you're not doing yourself a service here. You come across as totally out of self-control, IMO.

The replies here haven't really been hostile (apart from one or two), far from it. Most of the posters understand where you are coming from, but if you want your relationship to live, you need to get out of this fury you have managed to get yourself into. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and then get to solving your common problem rather than wallowing in your destructive emotions.

P.S. Have you ever wondered why he got himself fired? To me it sounds as if he wanted to be fired. Apathy like that, disinterest etc. can be a sign of depression, which can be quite possible if he's an artist at heart and doing a repetitive, unimaginative work. Some of us are able to deaden themselves to something like that, some of us are not, especially the more sensitive ones. That is NOT childish, it's possibly a serious problem that requires medical attention. (NOT giving medical advice as I'm obviously not qualified, just stating a possibility.)

LegacyUser

The man in this "relationship" sounds like a waster. I think OP, you should cut him loose. You're his doormat.

Shelga

angrypanda wrote: »

I just don't feel like having sex witha liar and a child. That would make me a paedophile!

Ha I'm sorry but that made me lol.

OP I totally get where you are coming from, I would be livid as well. Having gone out with a 'musician' in the past I understand the whole him not liking his job thing, just wishing he could do what he loves all the time etc. But he didn't live in the real world and looked down on those who did. He had no time for bills, savings, building a secure future etc.

Your boyfriend is probably something similar. Someone else said that's it not about him losing his job, it's WHY he lost it that's important. I agree- losing your job at age 31 through lateness, especially during a recession, is inexcusable. This would really, really bother me. It indicates that he avoids responsibility, is immature and just plain lazy. I would be massively turned off too, tbh.

I would also be angry that he kept it from you- this is further evidence of his immaturity. I understand that it's an extremely difficult thing to go through, but a 31 year old man in what I'm assuming is a LTR- come on. You're right to be upset. However I would wait until you have calmed down a bit; if you act out of anger you'll probably regret it.

Terodil wrote: »

P.S. Have you ever wondered why he got himself fired? To me it sounds as if he wanted to be fired. Apathy like that, disinterest etc. can be a sign of depression, which can be quite possible if he's an artist at heart and doing a repetitive, unimaginative work. Some of us are able to deaden themselves to something like that, some of us are not, especially the more sensitive ones. That is NOT childish, it's possibly a serious problem that requires medical attention. (NOT giving medical advice as I'm obviously not qualified, just stating a possibility.)

And sometimes things are just as they seem. Maybe there is no need to delve deeper into what's causing this. Sometimes laziness is just laziness, plain and simple. Depression is something to keep in mind and I'm not underestimating how serious it can be, but if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck...

LegacyUser

I completely agree with your anger.

I'd show him the door. Not acceptable behaviour at all. There's too many warning bells. Sounds like his music is more important to him than saving for a place with you. Do you want to have to bail him out the rest of your life?

My poor sister married someone like him. Nice and kind to her, arty type. He's a complete waste of space. And now for the second time they have to move country because he's messed things up. Late for work, because he's a night owl (mostly on the net looking at porn more like it) The ridiculous thing is she had a much better paid job than him, but because the kind of work he does can't really be done in Ireland anymore, they had to move. Rather than him get of his lardy arse and look after his children. Now they are homeless. Nowhere to live.2 kids or as she says she feels she has 3 kids these days.

Get out now!

LegacyUser

OP - maybe the mistake you made was in paying his rent last time? He was embarrassed to tell you but knew at the end of it all that you'd be there to pick up the pieces, so he didn't have to make a real effort to support himself.

My longest relationship wasn't with a musician, but he was a soft-hearted, gentle, sociable man - which is why I fell for him. But he had no drive or ambition and fell out with employer after employer when they tried to push him. His friends used look after him when he was out of work or feeling down until I took over the job full time. I paid living expenses, holidays etc. He contributed sometimes but basically sponged off me. A nice man, but no good for supporting me, in my life. No good for when I was struggling or for when I was down and in trouble. At the end of it all, no use to me.

Partners need to support each other, it can't be one way only.

Moomoo1

guys, just try to reverse the gender roles here. If the OP was a man complaining about a woman, all he'd have got would have been 'you selfish uncaring man'....

That's one thing. Another thing is, it was the guy's choice in life to not take his job seriously and to do things that led him to be fired. Since you live separately and do not have joint finances, why should it even concern you that he got fired in this way. And I am sure that if he didn't expect you to be extremely judgemental he'd have told you straight away.

Silverfish

Moomoo1 wrote: »

guys, just try to reverse the gender roles here. If the OP was a man complaining about a woman, all he'd have got would have been 'you selfish uncaring man'....

No actually, there have been threads on this, and the opposite is true, but a turning this into a gender issue would not be constructive.

King of Kings

I'm with the OP on this - getting fired for being a muppet is one thing but to go through the charade of pretending to go to work is just lunacy.

He sounds like he is one of those people with no sense of responsible or consequence.

It's up to you OP what to do - but there has to be better guys out there than a guy who live in cloud cuckoo land.

magneticimpulse

im i the only one confused here? i still dont understand how he was turning up for work at 11 when he left the house with her at 7 am to go to work? thats 4 hours of doing what? i mean i know traffic can be bad, but is it really that bad? im just curious to what he was doing?

id understand if like me i stay up too late and get to work at 10am but then i work til 8 pm. i sleep in and take my time getting to work. i mean alot of places have flexi time. not everyone are morning people. im more awake at work in the evenings and more productive. but i dont understand is that he was already up and on his way to work?

as for your relationship. sounds like you dont love him at all by how you describe him, so i dont know why you still in relationship with him.

Terodil

Terodil wrote: »

P.S. Have you ever wondered why he got himself fired? To me it sounds as if he wanted to be fired. Apathy like that, disinterest etc. can be a sign of depression, which can be quite possible if he's an artist at heart and doing a repetitive, unimaginative work. Some of us are able to deaden themselves to something like that, some of us are not, especially the more sensitive ones. That is NOT childish, it's possibly a serious problem that requires medical attention. (NOT giving medical advice as I'm obviously not qualified, just stating a possibility.)

Are you serious? Do you think most people really love getting up every day to go to work in a windowless office, call centre or whatever and do boring, repetitive work every day? Do you think most people who do these kind of jobs wouldn't really love to be doing something more creative? I worked in a call centre after college and almost everyone there was a musician, or an artist or into really interesting hobbies, but they were mature enough to realise the bills need to be paid and that any work is better than no work. If you really can't stand it, then save up, start looking for other jobs, but coming in late every day to 'get yourself fired' is just immature, childish and pathetic. We had a few people do that but they were 19-20, not 31! Some of us are able to 'deaden' ourselves to that type of work because we live in the real world and realise that adults have to support themselves somehow and sometimes we have to do things we don't like. Sensitive? Give me a break. I have an image of exactly the type of person OP's boyfriend is, I've met plenty of them, thinking they're way too cool and creative to be lowering themselves to 'boring work in the corporate world'. It's called being a waster. And on top of that, lying to his girlfriend about it? Unbelievable.

There is a right and a wrong way to cope with a sh1tty job. The right way is to find something better, or train/educate yourself to do something more interesting. I saved up for a year to do a TEFL course (which while still not my ideal job, is waaay more enjoyable than office work and I can do it part time while I study) and went back to college to study what really interests me, so hopefully I can work in a field I enjoy. I would have NO time for someone like OP's boyfriend.

suspectpackage

haha, this is a very very funny topic.

The OP comes on and is outraged at her BF, "I'm absolutely livid!" (said repeatedly), "he's a child", "I can't believe he got fired" "Grrrr". "I'm always on at him"

And then she wonders why he wouldn't tell her something like that?

Classic OP. Absolute classic.

You need to take a look in the mirror. Instead of thinking about ME ME ME and how IM LIVID and IM ANGRY etc, think about HIM. What must have been going through his head to keep something like that from you. What are the qualities and characteristics of YOUR PERSONALITY that would make him not want to tell you. Instead of blaming him 100%, why not actually see yourself through his eyes.

But of course, you are incapable of doing that imo.

I find it hilarious how you are now withholding sex, calling him a liar, child etc, "im livid, im angry, i lost attraction me me me". And then wonder why he wouldn't tell you he lost his job. Made my day OP.

Jack B. Badd

Wagon wrote: »

Im starting to maybe see a reason of why the chap has kept this from you. I'm not saying what he did was right, he should have told you. But if he did, how would you have honestly reacted? For all we know, if he had told you, you might still be posting here complaining he lost his job.

Dealing with the consequences of your actions, whether that is getting a bollocking or something else, is part of being an adult. Are you genuinely saying that if you don't like the consequences you have a legitimate excuse to hide away from them?

The OH may have determined that the OP would express her anger at him for getting himself fired in the middle of a recession and he may have believed that that was unwarranted but hiding from it like a small child expecting to be chastised is not an adult reaction.

suspectpackage

People are different though Jack. It's a natural human reaction to want to avoid conflict. We are only getting the OP's side of the story but from what she has written she seems VERY high strung and overly dramatic to say the least (watch how she replies to me). She even admitted "I can't believe he lost his job" "I'm always on at him" etc. The guy just didn't want to have to deal with the OP moaning at him imo. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt bad and you knew saying something to someone would set them off and make you feel even worse? I know it's an "adult" reaction to get these things overwith BUT it's a human reaction to avoid conflict. Certainly not to walk straight into it.

The OP is definitely very emotional here. "I'm livid" (said repeatedly), I could quote more of her stuff. Personally I wouldn't have cared what my girlfriend would think BUT I have had girlfriends in the past who were, in my opinion, similar to the OP (and I was in my early 20s) and indeed I can see how the boyfriend might have wanted to keep this away from the OP. He seems to lack confidence too and seems like the OP "wears the pants" in the relationship. I would have made it clear where the door was if my girlfriend harped on at me like the OP's does. Withdrawing sex would have been a final straw. The fact that the OP's boyfriend takes that, tells me he has pretty low confidence and self esteem. I'm just putting the case forward from his perspective.

Should he have told her? Yes. But with her reaction to finding out, you can be sure he will NEVER tell her anything like this again if it happens.

The OP doesn't realize it too because she's too caught up in her own drama. It's really really funny. I've sent this thread to a few of my friends who also find it hilarious.

Jack B. Badd

suspectpackage wrote: »

Withdrawing sex would have been a final straw.

Withdrawing sex? As opposed to the OP not wanting to have sex with her OH because she doesn't respect him for his actions or feel attracted to him. There's no obligation on an individual, be they part of a couple or not, to have sex if they don't want to. The OP isn't an obstacle to her own vagina, she's a person who gets to decide whether or not she has sex and who with :rolleyes:

As for avoiding conflict/drama, there probably would have been a lot less of it if the OH hadn't lied to the OP.

suspectpackage

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Withdrawing sex? As opposed to the OP not wanting to have sex with her OH because she doesn't respect him for his actions or feel attracted to him. There's no obligation on an individual, be they part of a couple or not, to have sex if they don't want to. The OP isn't an obstacle to her own vagina, she's a person who gets to decide whether or not she has sex and who with :rolleyes:

As for avoiding conflict/drama, there probably would have been a lot less of it if the OH hadn't lied to the OP.

Why did the OH lie?

Also, if my girlfriend didn't want to have sex with me because she wasn't attracted to me, she would be introduced to the door. That is what I mean.

Fysh

suspectpackage wrote: »

Why did the OH lie?

Also, if my girlfriend didn't want to have sex with me because she wasn't attracted to me, she would be introduced to the door. That is what I mean.

The problem here didn't start with the OH lying, it started with the OH having a misguided attitude to his job that led to him being fired. It depends on the workplace, but a lot of workplaces will have HR procedures which require verbal and written warnings before dismissal can be resorted to (though gross misconduct is usually an exception to this sort of thing).

So. The OH has, in grim economic times, lost his job - possibly though not definitely due to his lax attitude to timekeeping and professionalism. His way of handling this situation, at the age of 31, is to pretend that he is still working to the extent of getting up and going through the motions of preparing for work. He may or may not be seeking out alternative employment at the time.

This is not the behaviour of someone who understands the responsibilities expected of either an independent, self-sufficient adult or of a mature adult in a long-term relationship. The OH may have opted to hide his situation from his partner because "she'd flip out" - but TBH flipping out is a context-appropriate response. If someone gets fired because their job is being outsourced to another country, that's one thing; but getting fired because at the age of 31 you can't be bothered being timely and professional? That's deserving of at the very least a verbal dressing-down. It raises questions of how seriously this person takes their responsibilities, of whether they plan for the future at all, of whether they'll turn into a financial and emotional liability in the event that you move in together and have dependents.

You can try and blame the OP here all you like, but the problem isn't hers - the problem is her overgrown manchild of a partner who at the age of 31 in a recession is trying to behave like an 18-year-old in the peak of the Celtic Tiger.

suspectpackage

I still think the OPs melodramatic nature plays a huge part here. I'm not denying that he should have told her and that he was irresponsibile. However, it's his life and they are not living together. He should have just told her he got fired and he's looking for another job, but he clearly has low confidence and didn't want to hear the OP harping on at him (and I can only imagine how she would have been going on, considering her melodramatic posts in the thread), so he didn't tell her. All I am saying is that the OP should look at HERSELF a bit more because it's really funny to read her posts. They provide answers to her questions, if she looks hard enough. I mean, her initial post could be an email classic if it got sent around.

magneticimpulse

suspectpackage, i think its a bit far saying this is so funny you sent it to your mates. thats a bit over the top. being a woman, i can get on the wrong side of things if im with the wrong guy. truth be told im a surfer chick, who is really easy going. i have the most easy going friends and never ever moan or loose my temper with them.

however with the wrong guy, i too could be accused as moaning and dramatic given the wrong circumstances. i think if guys act like irresponsible teenagers, then women will too fly off the handle and rant like a teenager. if the circumstances are calm, mature and adult, im sure most women would agree they would behave in a much less dramatic way. basically if the OH was more adult, i dont think the OP would have had such a dramatic thread. i just suspect the OH is the wrong match for her.

yeah she needs to be aware of this. but its not really a problem of just her, i think its just that OH is not suitable for her. give her a man which is more suited to, she would never have to moan and be livid

Wibbs

I would agree. Goes for both genders. I would say IME that women in general terms tend to respond more to the external emotional environment than men. I've seen this with women mates of mine and how different they can be with different men. If the guy is calm say, then they tend more towards calm. If he's a twitch surrounded by skin nervous nelly they tend to be too. OK they're really crude examples of course but you know what I mean. I've not seen it as often the other way around.

While I would agree with much of what Fysh wrote, if I was in the OP's position I would be píssed off far more with the subterfuge of it all. Say he is a man boy, if he was honest about it then she and they could work at sorting that out. She would have something to work on. As it is she doesn't. That's the issue I would have.

Floppybits

OP, like I said before you have a right to very angry with your BF for getting sacked from his job. Saying he didnt like it is no excuse either, if he was mature about it he would have looked for another job and then left when he secured himself another job. Now it is going to be harder for him to get a job because when he is in an interview and they ask why is he not working, what is he going say.

the truth is your bf is immature and if i was in your shoes I would consider having a serious chat and if he is unwilling to accept that he may never get his perfect job then I would consider ending the relationship but that decision is yours. But ask yourself do you think he can change? has he learned from getting sacked? If the answer is no to both those questions then I would be out the door. OP I think you may have dodged a bullet on this, imagine if this had happened when you moved in together, can you still trust him not to do this in the future.

To the other when you are 31 years old, you should be mature enough to respect your job simple as that and if you dont like it well then you suck it up until you get something better, simple as that.

Didymus

OP you are going out with a lazy slob and I don't know how anyone could think differently.

Do people not realise how physcotic he sounds? Getting up every morning, looking into your eyes and blatantly lying to you. He does not give one toss about his career. How could you stay going out with someone who told you such big lies???

I'm sorry, but being fired for being late all the time because you were out boozing, at 31, after already loosing your job and happy to have your OH support you during this time- I would be ashamed to call this person my boyfriend.

He has no respect for you, I'm sorry to say.

And I have read posts where people have committed suicide as a result of not having a job and where kids are involved. Those situations are not the same as OPs. In these posts you talk of the pride that men have over working and the shame they have when they don't work - I don't think the OPs boyfriend showed much shame when he was happy to have her support him for 8 months. If he felt shame, he'd have worked his ass off in his new job to show how grateful he was and for that not to happen again. The reality is, he went out boozing and didn't give a toss.

Shame? I don't think so.

DubLass

After the initial shock Id be gutted if my boyfriend had decided it was easier to live a lie than to tell me about it cos he was scared of me, it would spur me on to take a long hard look at myself and if after that if I still felt I was blameless then he obviously would not be the man for me.

Terodil

[quote=[Deleted User];63234961]Sensitive? Give me a break. I have an image of exactly the type of person OP's boyfriend is, I've met plenty of them, thinking they're way too cool and creative to be lowering themselves to 'boring work in the corporate world'. It's called being a waster. And on top of that, lying to his girlfriend about it? Unbelievable. [...] I would have NO time for someone like OP's boyfriend.[/quote]
Don't you realise how incredibly judgmental and generalising this statement comes across?

Maybe he is a waster. Maybe he has a psychological problem (as I suspect). Living in a make-believe world is not the sign of a healthy mind, and lying to others is only the tip of the iceberg in this case. But to actually find out which of the two it is -- it could even be a combination --, we need less of the judgmentalism please and finding out what is going on in his head. Flying off the handle (or patting the OP on her head for flying into a blind rage) is not the right way to solve the problem at hand. I lost count of how many times she said that she's livid.

[quote=[Deleted User];63234961]Are you serious? Do you think most people really love getting up every day to go to work in a windowless office, call centre or whatever and do boring, repetitive work every day? [...] There is a right and a wrong way to cope with a sh1tty job. The right way is to find something better, or train/educate yourself to do something more interesting. I saved up for a year to do a TEFL course (which while still not my ideal job, is waaay more enjoyable than office work and I can do it part time while I study) and went back to college to study what really interests me, so hopefully I can work in a field I enjoy.[/quote]
I agree with this, Martin Worried Podiatrist. It's the right and the rational choice. But if your judgment is clouded or if you are even in a depression, then you tend to not pick the rational choice.

Didymus wrote: »

And I have read posts where people have committed suicide as a result of not having a job and where kids are involved. Those situations are not the same as OPs. In these posts you talk of the pride that men have over working and the shame they have when they don't work - I don't think the OPs boyfriend showed much shame when he was happy to have her support him for 8 months. If he felt shame, he'd have worked his ass off in his new job to show how grateful he was and for that not to happen again. The reality is, he went out boozing and didn't give a toss.

Thanks for this. While I'm not sure I agree I just think it's great that you're actually looking a little deeper than the surface of it.