Tough situation

LegacyUser

I'm in a really tough situation. I'm 34 and I've been married two years. My husband is basically a good guy but has been difficult to live with. He's not from Ireland. After a series of recent ups and downs he returned to his own country nearly two months ago to 'think about things'. We've been trying for two years to get pregnant without success and I've been told that I need to do ivf this years as I'm running out of eggs alot quicker than most women my age and this is my last chance. Now my husband has phoned to say that he doesn't want to live here anymore and if I want to be with him them then I have to move to his country. There is no way that I could afford ivf there as the health system is very bad, my husband is fairly useless career wise and most of my savings would be gone just getting set up there. He says he loves me but thats the only offer on the table. I'm devastated. He always says he wanted kids too but is not prepared to live here for another year to make that happen and I do not have time left. I am terribly hurt. I've always wanted a family and walked away from other relationships because that wasn't on offer. I don't know if I can go to him knowing that my (our?) dream has been disregarded so much. I'm not asking him to stay here for life, I never have. But I don't know if I can forgive him if he takes this from me. Even all this stress and separation is taking away the valuable time we could spend making a family. And we have both said before that we don't want to be childless couple in middle age so I can't help wondering if he is just very selfish and what does he even mean when he says he loves me? So what do I do?

Although I'm heartbroken I know that I'm an attractive girl and there could be other relationships out there for me in future but my fertility is on its last legs now. There is an old flame on the scene who I was once nuts about and who would be happy to try for a family with me. But I don't feel it anymore, at least not now. A friend who knows me very well has said I should forget husband and go with this man and my feelings will come back in time, when I'm over the hurt. Another friend has suggested I do sperm donation. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that, but I also know that if I don't try to create a family I will always be full of regret and I know I am a capable person who would probably manage. The thoughts of going out and trying to meet some new with all this hanging over me just makes me sick. And I'm so angry with my husband for putting us in this situation, I don't know if I could forgive him in all the childless years ahead. I'm not even sure if he isn't using this as a way out of the relationship though he says thats not it. I know childlessness is a likely outcome anyway but he's taking away our chance to try and I'm not even sure for what.

I really don't want this thread to become a discussion about men and women or sperm donation or anything like that. This is my life and I have decisions to make quickly so please, maybe some mature people out there could help me see a way through this mess. Thanks.

WesternNight

Hold on a second... your husband ups and goes back to his own country to "think about things" and then gives you an ultimatum? That's divorce material if ever I heard it.

As for the old flame...if you don't feel it then you don't feel it. My advice would be to take a step back from everything for a little while and think about things properly. Because I think that right now you're feeling like you have to rush everything because you have this deadline. Rushing into things purely because you want to have children soon isn't a good idea.

You have plenty of options. Taking a few days/weeks to process things and to think everything through is the best thing you can do right now.

LegacyUser

WesternNight wrote: »

Hold on a second... your husband ups and goes back to his own country to "think about things" and then gives you an ultimatum? That's divorce material if ever I heard it.
QUOTE]

Yeah I suppose you're right. I've been denying it to myself and try to negotiate or humour or beg (cringe) him to come right again, even though I know he's being cruel to me with all this. So weary. Thanks for the response.

CDfm

Its not a nice situation and its difficult.

I do sympathise with your situation and I imagine that some of this was posted in haste while the reality sets in.

Maybe I am missing something but never once in your post have you said that you love your husband and miss him. You launch into the IVF mode and if you were my partner I would feel like a sperm donor.

That was my first impression and maybe the guy loves you for you.

If you have a close friend you should get in touch with them and privately explain the situation to someone who wont judge you and keep matters confidential.

As Western Night says taking a few days to process things is good for you as well as pampering yourself a bit.

Fiend-Foe

He doesn't sound like a very nice guy at all. I say you cut him loose OP.

Don't let your desire to have a family leave you stuck with the wrong man for the rest of your life. There's still plenty of fine men here.

I really don't think any loving caring husband who really had his wifes best interests at heart would act the way your husband has.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, I hope you sort everything out.

miec

Hi Op

First of all you are right, your husband is being very cruel and you are also right to be wary of going to another country and trying IVF (if it works) and then being completely isolated if you have a new baby and if he is bad with money that will be a huge burden. I know you are desperate for a child and I think this is clouding your judgement but as a woman who has been a single parent for X number of years, it is difficult but I can only imagine it is twice as hard in a foreign country with no support. You need to ask do you want to raise a child in another country? What about your support network? Would he make a good and stable father? Is he a good husband? These things are crucial for a balanced family life. If there answer is no then go for sperm donation, at least you will have family here or a support network here rather than a cruel and unsuportive husband.

calahans

You poor thing, thats a really hard situation.

If you have been given medical advice that you dont have much time, and you really want a child, then you need to think about that above your relationship. Your husband married you and then went away giving you an ultimatum - "be with him in his country or nothing". Thats childish.

I would look at your options in Ireland. If you have an ex who you dont love but think he would make a good father then go for it with him. I have a child and would put the relationship with her above EVERY other relationship I have.

Go for it and best of luck

CDfm

calahans wrote: »

You poor thing, thats a really hard situation.

If you have been given medical advice that you dont have much time, and you really want a child, then you need to think about that above your relationship. Your husband married you and then went away giving you an ultimatum - "be with him in his country or nothing". Thats childish.

I would look at your options in Ireland. If you have an ex who you dont love but think he would make a good father then go for it with him. I have a child and would put the relationship with her above EVERY other relationship I have.

In one way I agree with you but in another way I dont. It does seem to me that the OP is very focused on pregnancy maybe in an unhealthy way to the exclusion of everything else. What if the OP never has a child -life goes on but where does hubby fit in. Maybe there are two sides here and maybe he cant see where he fits in either.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

In one way I agree with you but in another way I dont. It does seem to me that the OP is very focused on pregnancy maybe in an unhealthy way to the exclusion of everything else. What if the OP never has a child -life goes on but where does hubby fit in. Maybe there are two sides here and maybe he cant see where he fits in either.

What if I never have a child? Thats something I've had plenty of time to ask myself in the 2-3 years of infertility I've already been through & I'm very aware of what the odds are with ivf. So if I never have a child I know life will go on but I'd like the satisafaction of knowing I've done everthing I can to try. As for an unhealthy 'focus on pregnancy' - how is anyone supposed to feel at being told at 33 that their only hope of getting pregnant is with medical intervention asap? Should I take up a hobbie instead? I married my husband because I loved him and still do, but it seems like he's the one pushing me into the corner of his life, not the other way around.

Hrududu

I know very little about IVF. But could you freeze some eggs and then use them at a later date? It would give you some time to step back and think things through.

CDfm

very confused wrote: »

What if I never have a child? Thats something I've had plenty of time to ask myself in the 2-3 years of infertility I've already been through & I'm very aware of what the odds are with ivf. So if I never have a child I know life will go on but I'd like the satisafaction of knowing I've done everthing I can to try. As for an unhealthy 'focus on pregnancy' - how is anyone supposed to feel at being told at 33 that their only hope of getting pregnant is with medical intervention asap?

I am sorry and of course I don't know how you feel. Its tough and I only meant it in a helpful way that it may be dominating your relationship. You seem to be having trouble accepting it. Have you had counselling on it. Don't you think you should raise it with your GP.

Should I take up a hobbie instead? I married my husband because I loved him and still do, but it seems like he's the one pushing me into the corner of his life, not the other way around.

And your husband may love you too and may be upset about it. You mentioned his career hasn't gone to plan. You love him and he probably is a good man.

I know a couple where she needed treatment which has left her unable to have kids. Her husbands view was that it meant that she was alive. Lovely people.