My mum died last weekend

LegacyUser

Hi,

So I'm a 35 year old guy and my mum died last weekend. She died before her time - the dreaded C word.

I expected it to be tough, and it is, but I'm so unhappy today I can't imagine ever being happy again. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, by a factor of 10!!

For those who have been through it, does it get easier? I'm not looking for someone to stop the pain I'm feeling, I know that can't happen but would be good to hear from some people who have been through this and have gotten to the other side.

The tears are starting again as I type this - I never cry.

Silverfish

Hiya,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum died 2 weeks ago, also from complications that arose while undergoing cancer treatment.

I can tell you right now, there isn't anything anyone can say, or do, that will make it any easier. Your heart actually feels like its actually broken.

The only thing that makes it better are the things that you think you will never be able to do - meeting friends, talking to people, having a laugh or even normal stuff like going to work or whatever. You just keep going.

I think perhaps it was easier on me, as I lost a 15 year old sister to leukaemia 10 years ago, so I knew that with time, the pain eases. You slowly just start to get on with stuff again. You'll still cry a lot, and at awkward times, or the first time you do something and think 'The last time I did this, or went here, or spoke to this person, X was alive..'

The important thing is to let yourself grieve, as much as you can, whenever you feel like it. Talk to people, talk about her, remember stuff, look at photos.

It's a long, process, but you will get through it.

Perhaps look into bereavement counselling, if you don't have many immediate people you can talk to.

St James

Let the tears flow. You must grieve, it is part of the process. talk with a friend.sibling and grieve/cry together. You will then help each other over this hard patch of your life.

life dies get a bit easier, but it takes time. Time doesn't mean you forget, you never do. The memories are part of you.

I will remember you in my prayer tonight.

Firetrap

Aw, so so so sorry to read about your loss. I can't really add anything different to what the others said really. Take your time, don't be ashamed if you feel the need to cry your eyes out again and again. In time you will develop your own way of coping with what's happened and it won't hurt so much.

LegacyUser

Hi Inmourning,

First let me extend my sympathy on your loss.

I just want to reassure you that you're going through is perfectly normal albeit incredibly tough! I lost my Mum last year to cancer aswell and I thought I'd never have a bright day again contrary to what everybody tells you, but I have had and you will too. Trust me, I was devastated and I still miss her and always will. It does get easier though! You're on a rollercoaster of emotions right now and every emotion seems to fight to get to the fore, hurt, anger, guilt,loss, the list is endless. I think we all have to grieve in our own way and we just have to let ourselves go through it. Go easy on yourself, it's ok.

I won't tell you to keep yourself busy because that drove me mad when people said that to me but do talk to people and do try and go out with friends bear in mind they don't always know the right thing to say but their intentions are good and sometimes they just feel awkward if they don't really understand how you are feeling, so cut them some slack.Be on your own when you need some space but don't isolate yourself.

Things will get easier, even though thats hard to believe right now. You will not forget her (I feared I would), so try to strike that fear from your thoughts. You probably have some meories come to the surface that you had not recalled for years, some will make you cry but some will make you laugh and that's a good thing, don't feel guilty for recalling the ones that make you smile, just enjoy them.

One more thing, she'll always be with you because we all inherit traits (good and bad) from the folks.

Do what you have to do and take care of yourself. x

bronte

I'm really sorry for your loss.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling right now, it's your natural response to such a blow.
Your mum will always be around in memory.
Hugs

Davidth88

My deepest sympathy to both you OP and to Silverfish

I lost my mother about 2 years ago ( god was it really that long ago ! )

I found bereavement counselling helpful, but it's a personal thing .

Best of luck .

Danniboo

Hi,

I can't offer advice just wanted to say i'm really sorry for your tragic loss. xxxx

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Very sorry for your loss. My mother died from cancer 18years ago when i was 15. Honestly i did not think at the time that i would survive it. i did get councelling at the time but my head was so wrecked i absorbed none of it. Time does ease the "rawness" of it, that is the only thing i can say for sure. I still feel sad but i am nowhere near as grief-stricken as i was for the first year.
don't stop yourself crying and allow yourself to be upset...it is natural and i think needs to be worked through as part of the process.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP, first let me say how sorry I am for your loss.

I lost my dad suddenly to a massive heart attack almost five years ago. I imagine it was a very different experience to seeing someone you love pass away slowly - he survived in Intensive Care for four days and they were the toughest four days of my life. I can only imagine how difficult to must be to deal with a longer illness.

Someone said to me at the time 'The pain doesn't get better, but you get stronger.' You will always miss her, but slowly (and I'm afraid it is very slow) you will be able to bear the pain more. I found that after a while (a few months) when I thought of my dad, it was almost nice - it was a way to feel connected to him, thinking that he would have enjoyed something I was doing or finding out something I wanted to tell him. It made me appreciate that although he's gone, he did live and his entire life hadn't vanished - there were still memories and stories, still everything that he passed on while he was here.

You will come through the other side of this, OP, I can promise you that. If you feel you need extra help, there's always the option of counselling.

Do what you feel you need to, take all the time you need, talk when you feel like talking, whether it's about the happy memories of her or about the pain of her loss. But I promise you, it gets easier. I wish you and your family all the best.

Optimus Caesar

Hi OP,

Sorry for your loss.

My story is similar to you in that I am around your age and my mum died before her time of cancer (in August) also.
I have a friend who lost his father to cancer 10 years ago. He tells me that it does get easier but that you never forget them.

My mother had a two year battle and the last 6 months were very hard on her as she had lost all her independence. This for my mother was harder than the actual illness. Seeing her so upset and frustrated because she couldn't do everyday things that healthy people take for granted was harder for me than her actual death.

I have a 6 month old son so he brings a lot of joy to my life. When I'm feeling down or missing my mum I always have him to cheer me up. This will be our first Christmas without mum but it will also be our first with our little man.

We just have to take each day as it comes and allow ourselves to grieve. Remembering good time with my mum has helped me so far.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi Inmourning,
I like the others posters would like to offer my sympathy at this time.
I can only relate my situation and hope you can get some benefit from it, if only to recognise that part of life involves dealing with death and you are not alone.
I`m not even sure if you ever `get over` it because we have no choice in the event, it happens, and we have to adapt to the situation and move along.
I lost my only brother in August 2007 he died suddenly. Needless to say I was devastated he was my best friend.
My mother then died in May of this year, she was a week from her 88th birthday and although she was old and her passing wasn`t so unexpected it ripped the heart out of me.
Then to top it all my dad died 3 months later, he was 89 and was poorly for a few months but again it tore me up.
I am on my way to their grave now after I post this, I am not religious so I cant get any relief from the sorrow in praying etc but I find a visit to the grave helps a little.
I, as you will too, wake in the morning and think I`ve been dreaming but reality kicks in and the day unfolds and something happens to take your mind off it and so goes another day.
I dont talk about them too much as I know I would probably get a bit upset so generally I try to keep chat about them to a minimum and light hearted.
I`m a guy in my mid forties and I have tears in my eyes as I type this, so dont be afraid to cry, it`s the most natural reaction in the world.
I hope you get some consolation in the fact that we are all in this together...you are not alone.
I wish you the best of luck in getting on with your life.

LegacyUser

OP, I went through the same experience age 35. My mum was taken very suddenly and at a relatively young age.

The only words I can give you are these:

You are not the first person to go through this and you won't be the last. It's not easy. Everything you are feeling is perfectly natural.

You are doing the right thing: you are grieving. ****ing hell it's hard it's awful and it's wrong. It's wrong that we should have to deal with the death of our mothers. Do not keep any of this inside. Do not allow anyone to even suggest that you "man up" or "suck it up and get on with life".

It won't get better. The version of life you have just left behind is gone and that version will never get better. How could it ? Your mum isn't there.

It will get better. There is a new version and a new life now. This version does not have your mother, you will have happy memories. This is the new normal. Right now it's scary, it's unfriendly, it's cold, it's unfair, it's wrong. It won't stay that way. It will take time for you to get used to this new normal and it will take time for this new normal to get used to you.

Nothing else in life is as important right now as getting through this experience and one day you will start to explore this new life you've got. That can wait. For now grieve and let it out.

Don't throw yourself into anything: work, solitude, drink, drugs. Don't try to life 'normally'.
Get up in the morning and get through the day as best you can.

I'd tell you it's going to be alright but I remember people telling me the same thing. I didn't believe them and couldn't comprehend how that was possible. So I won't because you cannot possibly comprehend happiness right now.

Take care of yourself.

SarahSassy

OP and Silverfish - I have noting to add but am sorry for your losses.

LegacyUser

To everyone who posted - thank you so much.

It's a week today since she died and while I still have a long way to go I am not as raw as I was when I posted the original post. It still hurts like hell and will continue to do so but knowing that other people have come out the other side helps me.

Again thank you all so much , and my condolences as well to all of you who have suffered a bereavement.

Regards,

Inmourning

Taltos

OP - find someone you can talk to.
Get all your emotions out - don't bottle them in. I did this and all I was left with was anger - now 10 yrs later I am still dealing with this anger as well as the lows that come along with it.

Not sure if it is the same for everyone - but I thought I was strong enough to cope on my own. And for a while I thought I had coped. Find someone - even if it is a voice on the other end of a phone.

I am not sure if it really does ever get easier per se - but I think you learn better how to cope with the loss. When you feel yourself getting melancholy / angry / etc - neg emotions - focus on a really happy memory - and hold on to it tight.

Also if you feel like pushing friends / loved ones away for a while - be careful - you might need some time alone to sort out your head - just don't do anything rash.

Op & Silverfish - my best wishes are with you both.

barbiegirl

Hi OP
I lost my dad very suddenly and unexpectedly in June. He was a week shy of his sixty second birthday. All I can say is talk to someone anyone, brother, sister, partner, friend. Don't give up on life as that's not what she would have wanted.
Remember to talk to your mum too. I find that driving in the car on my own I chat away to daddy, strange but it helps.
You are sad and will be for quite a while yet. Eventually though you will start to think of her with happiness, that you had her and experienced your life with her.
Best of luck

Anna Molly

Hey,
I'm having trouble dealing with the loss of a friend, atm.
So I availed of seeing the college councellor,
she said that you're allowed to feel what you feel, it's normal.
Also, 'they say' whoever they are, that it takes a year to start moving on.
You need to go through the birthdays, christmas, anniversaries etc .

I don't have any pearls of wisdom, sorry.

LoanShark

Sorry to hear of your loss OP..

My dad died five and a half years ago of heart disease, he was sick for a long time...

Time helps but you never really get over it..You do things in your day that help cover and take your mind off the pain of the loss, But your loved on will always be constant in your mind..

There is one thing, Your happiest days will also be your saddest,You will always think mammy should be here and I would love to tell her about this..But she is there looking down on you.