Fed Up With This Recurring Problem!!!

LegacyUser

This has been getting me down a bit lately, so I thought I'd vent.
And hopefully in the process somebody might enlighten me a bit.

Anyway, I've a bit of a problem.
At first it was nothing much, but it's becoming so common, that it's become less awkward, and more annoying.

Basically, I tend to constantly attract girls who are already in relationships.
Not a major problem I know, but after years of this, it's getting annoying.
To the stage that I think I'm starting to get worried whenever I meet a friends girlfriend for the first time.
To put this in perspective, it isn't an isolated incident, and it's been happening for the best part of a decade now.
I've lost count of the ammount of awkward situations, and "indecent proposals" that I've recieved.
It's not just friends girlfriends either.
It seems to be universal.
Work colleagues who are in relationships.
Even just random people that I meet!

I'm fed up of having a friends girlfriend coming up to me when drunk.
Coming out with things like "If I was single I'd be all over you", or "We would be so good together....if", or my personal favorite "If only *insert boyfriends name* was more like you"
Or having their hands all over me.
Wanting to hug and touch constantly.
And it's gone further a few times, with direct propositions of either affairs, or leaving the other person for me.
I even had a girl I work with try and sleep with me just before her wedding.
Final fling kinda thing.
It's a horribly awkward feeling.
Made worse by the fact that my first thought nowadays is "not again".

I am a flirtatious person I suppose, but I don't see anything wrong with that.
It's just the way I am.
(Now when I say flirtatious, I just want to be clear that I mean absoloutly nothing inapropriate.)
I've just always been very friendly, and get on well with everyone.

I really don't think that I'm anything to write home about.
I'm reasonably attractive I suppose, but nothing special IMO.
I'm not particularly outgoing, but I am very friendly as I said.
I could talk your ear off, and I can, and have had, conversations that have lasted months (via constant texting all day every day).
I just always like to chat, as I'm sure you can make out from this long and rambling post!
But I do nothing to lead them on.
In the slightest.
I'm just friendly.
I've just always treated my female friends the exact same way I treat my male ones.

Now I've lost friends in the past over this, and I've had good friends become just friends.
I've never acted on anything.
Never would, or could for that matter.
But if anyone's been in a similar situation, then they'll know that sometimes you can be treated guilty by association so to speak.

As annoying as it is however, it's not the crux of my problem.
What I'm finding annoying at the moment, is that it's started to effect my own love life.
I have good female friends, that are in relationships, whom I get on with great about everything, but who treat me really badly if I mention a girl I'm seeing.
As in really bitchy.
And at times even angry.
They stop talking to me, or just act really distant.
As if I'm their boyfriend and am somehow cheating on them for seeing other people.
Or if they have a single friend that I express interest in, they get annoyed about it.
It's like trying to walk through a minefield!

I have also had female friends who I discovered retrospectivly, said bad things about me to girls I was seeing or was interested in.

It just makes no sense to me!

It's getting really annoying.
Am I going to have to stop being so friendly, in order to stop this?


P.S: Sorry about the rant.

Kimia

Sounds like they think you're their little puppy dog plaything. Tell em to f*ck off when they comment on your single ways and your girlfriends, and maybe distance yourself slightly. They don't sound like great friends tbh, they sound like they use you as a confidence booster. :mad:

LegacyUser

you must be very flirty to encourage all this attention! but is it really all unwanted?! maybe, unknowingly, you give them the wrong idea? Surely you must be sending the wrong kinds of signals to these ladies?

There are three possible reasons why this is happening:

1) You're over-stepping the 'friendly' mark, either knowingly or unknowingly
2) You're a complete hottie
3) You've some coveted trait that many women adore, e.g. success & money

But in all seriousness, really it could be much worse, there could be no women chasing after you! leave them to it is what I say and maybe try to 'cool' your chatting technique

I'm also curious as to what has spurred this rant? what's the latest addition to the trend? Maybe you're mixing up signals too???

shellyboo

Really Fed Up wrote: »

I could talk your ear off, and I can, and have had, conversations that have lasted months (via constant texting all day every day).

This. Not ok. Being in 24/7 contact with someone who has a bf. That is leading someone on. If a guy I knew was texting me constantly I'd be thinking he fancied me, tbh. I know you said you're just being friendly but this indicates something more than friendship.

Really Fed Up wrote: »

Am I going to have to stop being so friendly, in order to stop this?

Yes, you are. The common denominator here is you - you need to assess your behaviour.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

To be honest I have come to realise I have to alter my ways.
That's one of the reasons that brought this rant about.
It annoys me that I can't treat my female friends the same way as my male ones.
I've always gotten on as well with women as with men.
Ever since I was a kid I just didn't differentiate.
I honestly don't do anything to lead them on, at least no more so than I do to my male friends also!!!

I guess things really are just different.
Sad really.
For me there's never been a difference but things change I guess.
I'm just gonna have to accept loosing a few female friends, or at least decreasing their friendship.

It's probably the fact that I see them as real friends that encourages or something.

The latest "event" Tresanon was a girl I'd being seeing for the last few weeks deciding to end things with me.
The reason being that she was good friends with one of my friends (that's how I met her), and she pretty much told me that she was ending it because our mutual friend was acting weird towards her ever since we started seeing each other.
Basically her seeing me was effecting their friendship.
Now it wasn't a serious relationship, so I'm not that bothered about that, but it's kind of the straw that broke the camels back syndrome.

I could understand it if our friend was single and fancied me so didn't want her seeing me, but she's in a relationship of some 4-5 years!

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I too have the same problem although prob not to the same extreme as yourself. Only a month back i had a friend that was just recently married come onto me and then while at a friends wedding another Married woman asked me to sleep with her. I'm no oil painting myself but like yourself i'm very friendly and just seem to get on better with women than men?. I like, yourself have had really good friends just become friends in the past due to this both male and female so I started not being as open and friendly to people when/If there girlfriends are around, but this just makes me more self-conscious and not able to enjoy myself as much as i know i could. so every so often i get annoyed and just be myself and this is when these things reoccur. It's a bit of a catch 22, you sacrifice your happyness so as not to affect somebody elses which i imagine alot of people have to do but saying that you cant always be thinking about other people and u have to make yourself happy. I'm still in a bit of a pickle about this myself. The way i look at it is that i know i would feel terrible if i found out, that the boyfriends/ husbands of these women herad about the situation as i know that could be life devastating. hope this help?

LegacyUser

the whole friend being weird to her once you started going out with eachother might be easily explained away.

I've a friend who's name is say Regina and we've been friends since we were in primary school together (we're both girls). She went to a different secondary school than I did so met lots of new friends there. Then about a few years ago, I became really good friends with one of her school friends, lets say her name is Trish. Trish and I was always in touch, texting, ringing, doing things together and my friend Regina got outrageously jealous because of this! and to be honest it's understandable. So maybe this is what happened with your friend?? I dunno, either way, that carry on isn't really acceptable but it could explain things for you.

But to totally dismiss what I've just said. I don't believe in platonic friendships between men and women. Any I've ever had resulted in me fancying my friend, or him fancying me so I've just given up on them. Maybe this is the case for you as well?

LegacyUser

unreguser wrote: »

Hi OP, I too have the same problem although prob not to the same extreme as yourself. Only a month back i had a friend that was just recently married come onto me and then while at a friends wedding another Married woman asked me to sleep with her. I'm no oil painting myself but like yourself i'm very friendly and just seem to get on better with women than men?. I like, yourself have had really good friends just become friends in the past due to this both male and female so I started not being as open and friendly to people when/If there girlfriends are around, but this just makes me more self-conscious and not able to enjoy myself as much as i know i could. so every so often i get annoyed and just be myself and this is when these things reoccur. It's a bit of a catch 22, you sacrifice your happyness so as not to affect somebody elses which i imagine alot of people have to do but saying that you cant always be thinking about other people and u have to make yourself happy. I'm still in a bit of a pickle about this myself. The way i look at it is that i know i would feel terrible if i found out, that the boyfriends/ husbands of these women herad about the situation as i know that could be life devastating. hope this help?

That's pretty much exactly how I feel about it.
I'm having to change myself, and not act as I normally would, because it's just too complicated.
I'd never allow anything to happen between myself and somebody in a relationship.
I just couldn't, but it's not fun having to alter your actions just because of something completely out of your own control.



P.S: Just to address something I didn't see earlier.

shellyboo wrote:

This. Not ok. Being in 24/7 contact with someone who has a bf. That is leading someone on.

Sorry about the confusion here, but I agree with you completely.
I'd never do that with somebody in a relationship.
I just meant that as an example of conversations I've had with single women, friends, cousins etc in the past.
Just to point out taht I'm a chatty person if you know what I mean.
I do text constantly, and I I suppose I can see how it would be seeing as strange, or even threatening to somebody who's going out with one of my friends.
But I wouldn't text them to that extent because of that.

LegacyUser

tresanon wrote: »

the whole friend being weird to her once you started going out with eachother might be easily explained away.

I've a friend who's name is say Regina and we've been friends since we were in primary school together (we're both girls). She went to a different secondary school than I did so met lots of new friends there. Then about a few years ago, I became really good friends with one of her school friends, lets say her name is Trish. Trish and I was always in touch, texting, ringing, doing things together and my friend Regina got outrageously jealous because of this! and to be honest it's understandable. So maybe this is what happened with your friend?? I dunno, either way, that carry on isn't really acceptable but it could explain things for you.

But to totally dismiss what I've just said. I don't believe in platonic friendships between men and women. Any I've ever had resulted in me fancying my friend, or him fancying me so I've just given up on them. Maybe this is the case for you as well?

Well under normal circumstance I would agree, there are loads of things that could be responsible for her actions.
Her friend (the girl I was seeing) doesn't seem to think so however, and when this has happened to you a few times, then you start to get an incling as to the cause.