Girlfriend doesn't want to be my girlfriend?

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a girl for the last two months. We talk nearly every day, spend a few days a week together, and have regular sex. For all intensive purposes I consider her my girlfriend.

However, she has issue with the terms "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" and insists we're in an "exclusive casual relationship" - whats the difference? Apparently this way its easier on me if she leaves, which makes me feel insignificant.

I care for her a lot, and I know she cares about me but this issue really nags at me and I can't relax. I don't even know how I'm supposed to introduce her to others.

I really don't understand her thinking on this one.

Loopsie

unregd wrote: »

I've been going out with a girl for the last two months. We talk nearly every day, spend a few days a week together, and have regular sex. For all intensive purposes I consider her my girlfriend.

However, she has issue with the terms "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" and insists we're in an "exclusive casual relationship" - whats the difference? Apparently this way its easier on me if she leaves, which makes me feel insignificant.

I care for her a lot, and I know she cares about me but this issue really nags at me and I can't relax. I don't even know how I'm supposed to introduce her to others.

I really don't understand her thinking on this one.

Op call her bluff on it!!! Do what she wants you to do, intoduce her as a friend, dont refer to her as your girlfriend. Take a step back ever so slightly and see if she comes running. Believe it or not girls like to do chasing sometimes!!!
Treat her more like a friend than a girlfriend and you will have her eating out of your hand!!!
Its sh*tty that relationships are so about game playing but so goes life
Good luck x

CDfm

Thats a weird definition -whats the difference between an exclusive casual relationship and a girlfriend ?

For her it seems to be semantics or choice of words. A bit odd but if you are cool with it -why not.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Thats a weird definition -whats the difference between an exclusive casual relationship and a girlfriend ?

For her it seems to be semantics or choice of words. A bit odd but if you are cool with it -why not.

The thing is though, when someone calls me her boyfriend or visa versa; she has this massive freak out. She also tells me she doesnt want to be in that sort of relationship because she'll only hurt me, once she even suggested breaking up just to avoid any hurt in the future.

When she starts like this I usually suggest meeting in person (I seriously dislike the use of text and such for these things) and she calms down pretty quickly.

Taltos

I would go 1 step further than loopsie - but its a risky one.

End it.
Tell her that while you are enjoying the sex you want a relationship and the knowledge that you are not wasting your time, which since this is casual you effectively are. For all you know while you are "messing" with your casual friend you could be missing out on a number of fulfilling relationships....


BUT - huge chance this will backfire.
FYI - in my case my OH for mths kept telling me she didn't do relationships, or that no relationship lasted beyond 2 wks etc.
All a method to protect "herself" - I saw this and waited... and waited... but was also honest - told her how I felt etc.
But my gut told me to wait - listen to your gut.
Together now over 15yrs...

So.
Force it and risk it
or Wait and maybe lose time yourself
> but listen to your gut on this...

G-Money

Reminds me of a girl I met last year. In a slightly similar situation but not exactly the same.

Anyway she used to get these freak outs as well and then would insist we were just friends when it was obvious we were more.

In the end it did my head in and she went off with some guy she "didn't want anything serious with". That was lovely and made me feel really good

As previous posters have said, listen to your gut but don't hang around if it's a lost cause. Looking back, I wish I'd got out sooner.

cafecolour

Hmm. One of my mates was dating a girl who refused to be referred to as a girlfriend for ages just because she wanted to pretend she was still 'single'. Not act like it - she was over all the time and didn't date others - but just liked the idea of being single. Eventually she gave in to reality

However the fact she claims she'll 'only hurt you' if you're in a relationship is a bad sign. It implies she feels you're more into her than she is into you, and sees an impending end to the relationship (but likes it at the moment).

You can decide she's a headwreck and potential heartache and end it. Or you can hang on (without mentioning the girlfriend) and enjoy what you have at the moment, and maybe you'll grow on her.

BraziliaNZ

stop contacting her and let her do the work for a while, if she doesn't do anything just leave it. Watch 500 days of Summer, it's ok-ish but the protagonist in the movie is in a very similar situation.

CDfm

unregd2 wrote: »

The thing is though, when someone calls me her boyfriend or visa versa; she has this massive freak out. She also tells me she doesnt want to be in that sort of relationship because she'll only hurt me, once she even suggested breaking up just to avoid any hurt in the future.

When she starts like this I usually suggest meeting in person (I seriously dislike the use of text and such for these things) and she calms down pretty quickly.

I hate to say it but a few things strike me - is that the alternative is she probably wouldn't like the idea of being thought of as a fcuk buddy or friend with benefits either or concubine or mistress either.

So teasing it out how does she refer to you.

My view - you are having a fine relationship except for a word and its exclusive and she is a bit eccentric about it. She wants to be thought of as an independent woman in her own right -as is her right too.

Eccentric ain't a crime but its an inconvenience.We overlook these things in people we love.

So she likes the idea of being thought of as single but you like the idea of being a couple. Would she agree to partner? For the time being why not call her your soulmate -cool hippy name- its just a word.

It seems to me that when she blows up at someone else because of her issue you get it in the neck. You should be telling her that this makes you insecure in the relationship.So you should explain this to her. You accept her as she is but you cant change other people.

opinion guy

unregd wrote: »

However, she has issue with the terms "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" and insists we're in an "exclusive casual relationship" - whats the difference?

My attitude to this would be - 'meh whatever makes you happy' - whilst secretly being bemused

This:

Apparently this way its easier on me if she leaves, which makes me feel insignificant.

...is a WAY bigger issue if you ask me. Either she's very insecure in herself, or she's not serious about things. Hmm you know better which applies.


In short....my headwreck detector would be registering at least a 6/10 and I'd be wary about getting too involved

I care for her a lot, and I know she cares about me but this issue really nags at me and I can't relax. I don't even know how I'm supposed to introduce her to others.

I really don't understand her thinking on this one.

Sounds like your headwreck sensor is also firing and keeping you on guard. Not sure there is much you can do except wait. Hmmm have you asked her exactly what her problem with the terms boyfriend and girlfriend is ? Sounds like there might be a story behind that

dsmythy

unregd2 wrote: »

The thing is though, when someone calls me her boyfriend or visa versa; she has this massive freak out. She also tells me she doesnt want to be in that sort of relationship because she'll only hurt me, once she even suggested breaking up just to avoid any hurt in the future.

When she starts like this I usually suggest meeting in person (I seriously dislike the use of text and such for these things) and she calms down pretty quickly.

Just replying when i saw that because earlier this year this girl i was seeing for about two months said them exact same words to me. Two weeks later she broke up with me. Not saying it's the same deal with you but bare this in mind.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.
I'm going to see her over the weekend, I'll try and bring up some of my concerns.
Let you know how it turns out.

CDfm

yup and plan it a bit so she listens and doesnt go off one one and where you can bring it up nonchalantly and she listens. kind of over lunch with her gob full of dinner in a crowded place could be an idea.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

yup and plan it a bit so she listens and doesnt go off one one and where you can bring it up nonchalantly and she listens. kind of over lunch with her gob full of dinner in a crowded place could be an idea.

Ha, I'll have to do that it seems.
I really got an earfull today, pretty much a listing off of all my flaws and all the things I've been doing wrong - neatly sidestepping the issue. I can't bring it up right now because we've settled the argument. Annoying.

CDfm

unregd4 wrote: »

Ha, I'll have to do that it seems.
I really got an earfull today, pretty much a listing off of all my flaws and all the things I've been doing wrong - neatly sidestepping the issue. I can't bring it up right now because we've settled the argument. Annoying.

When this happens try shouting down the phone and do the I cant hear you -you're breaking up thing.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

as a woman, quite honestly, I'd see this as being one of two things:

She's not sure how you feel about her, so instead of risking a bit of pride and getting it wrong, she insists she's not your girlfriend (until she's comfortable that you are serious about her) OR
She's not interested enough in you to call you her 'boyfriend'...

Since you seem to have made it clear how you feel about her, I'd suggest it's the second option... Especially if she's listing all of your faults out to you instead of appreciating you... which is pretty sh*tty behaviour from someone who's supposed to like you and be good to you.

It sounds like you're sure you like her, and you're sure you'd like a relationship. She might be wavering on either of those two. She's obviously interested enough to meet you, and maybe she's been hurt or just needs to take her time... BUT if I was advising you as a friend of mine, I'd tell you to do what one of the other posters here has - call her bluff, tell her you want a relationship and that doesn't mean you have to take off into the sunset and have babies immediately, but that you'd get to know each other and not see anyone else. And since she clearly doesn't want that, what option have you but to find someone who does.

Best of luck!
Spidery legs

mood

spiderylegs wrote: »

Hey OP,

as a woman, quite honestly, I'd see this as being one of two things:

She's not sure how you feel about her, so instead of risking a bit of pride and getting it wrong, she insists she's not your girlfriend (until she's comfortable that you are serious about her) OR
She's not interested enough in you to call you her 'boyfriend'...

Since you seem to have made it clear how you feel about her, I'd suggest it's the second option... Especially if she's listing all of your faults out to you instead of appreciating you... which is pretty sh*tty behaviour from someone who's supposed to like you and be good to you.

It sounds like you're sure you like her, and you're sure you'd like a relationship. She might be wavering on either of those two. She's obviously interested enough to meet you, and maybe she's been hurt or just needs to take her time... BUT if I was advising you as a friend of mine, I'd tell you to do what one of the other posters here has - call her bluff, tell her you want a relationship and that doesn't mean you have to take off into the sunset and have babies immediately, but that you'd get to know each other and not see anyone else. And since she clearly doesn't want that, what option have you but to find someone who does.

Best of luck!
Spidery legs

I have to agree. She should know you enough to know if she wants a relationship with you. She seems to be messing you around either because she doesn't care enough or she has been very hurt in the past. But I really think you need to call her bluff.

GismoBaby

unregd wrote: »

I've been going out with a girl for the last two months. We talk nearly every day, spend a few days a week together, and have regular sex. For all intensive purposes I consider her my girlfriend.

However, she has issue with the terms "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" and insists we're in an "exclusive casual relationship" - whats the difference? Apparently this way its easier on me if she leaves, which makes me feel insignificant.

I care for her a lot, and I know she cares about me but this issue really nags at me and I can't relax. I don't even know how I'm supposed to introduce her to others.

I really don't understand her thinking on this one.

me thinks maybe she has been burned in the past...badly... and for her its safer to make you insigficant... doesnt necessarily mean you are. but from your wording if it was me... id probably not be so hurt if a casual thing cheated rather than a boyfriend.. that would kill me! i think she is trying to protect herself. you need to prove you can be trusted not to hurt her. im not saying you cant but what you say and do are 2 totally different things to a girl. just something to thinkabout! wish you luck