am i just better off without him?

LegacyUser

hey, my boyfriend of 8 months ended it with me last week. I knew he was losing interest but hoped I was wrong. in the end i confronted him and asked straight out and he told me he'd been having doubts for a few weeks previous, had hoped they were temporary but they weren't. he was too chicken to tell me. i had to ask HIM in the end.

he didn't explain things very well and i was left very much in the dark. i was too upset to speak and he said very little, saying that he no longer thought we'd much in common, he didn't really know what to say, blah, blah..

we parted and i felt very confused cos we'd got on so well for the most part.

i got back onto him 2days later and asked him to try to explain. he'd told me that he loved me and i couldn't figure out how he'd gone off me.

he finally mentioned a couple of things that i don't believe made any sense but the one that jumped out at me and gave me such a shock was this:

about 2 months ago, i told him a story about how when i was travelling years ago in SE Asia that i had "happy pizza"once, how i felt so stupid for doing so cos i did have a trip and it scared me and it was a mistake and i was not proud of it, etc etc. In that context, i also admitted that i had tried hash a couple of times when i was younger but that was all, it was just experimenting, never was into it. he said he was did not like drugs (nor do i) and that he didn't like that whole scene etc, (as neither do I). there wasn't much else said and i thought no more about it. this was all when i was a student and the happy pizza incident when i was in my 20's. we're now both 36.

when we broke up, he brought that back up - how i "dabbled" in drugs when i was younger and how it bothered him and he couldn't let it go. he wondered was i different then and were we really suited.

well, i was so gob-smacked! i felt so judged! and it was 15 years ago! and i just experimented! i trusted him to tell him things about me and he held it against me. he didn't make a big issue then when we could have trashed it out properly but dished it back up 2 months later.

am i better off without someone so judgemental? or are there people who just couldn't get past that? or if you are the latter, would you not have had a proper discussion about JUST how much it bothered you when I said it and given me a chance to talk it out there and then?

i'm so disappointed that despite ALL he knows about me as a girlfriend for all that time was overturned by some stupid things i did when i was young.

or was he just trying to find fault and thought that was a good "excuse" to use?

to add to that, he seemed to have issue with the fact that I considered a weekend at a music festival a great w'end (true) and he would find that hell. i went and he didn't and i thought that was fine. he thought that i was disappointed that he diodn't go and saw that as an incompatability. i wonder did he have this idea that when i did go without him, that i spent the w'end wasted on drugs or something!

i welcome your views, folks. i was broken when he ended it but now i think i've had my eyes opened.

also, for future reference, i wonder whether i might be better off keeping those stories to myself if there are many guys out there who would hold it against me. somehow, though, i doubt it.

thanks.

Loopsie

Op dont walk away....run! this guy has issues!!!
Life is for living and experimenting and i dont think i know one person who hasnt 'dabbled' from time to time!!!
He didnt even have the backbone to talk to you when he started questioning the relationship, so yes as hard as it is to hear you are probably better off without him.
He sounds very naive at 36 to be so judgemental in my opinion.
Cut contact with him, if he comes back he comes back if he doesnt so be it.
I know you are feeling really sad right now and as cliche as it sounds it really is true that time heals wounds, more often than not we are left with scars but they are reminders of what we dont want
Be good to yourself for a while, god it actually infuriates me how close minded some people can be, just because HE didnt agree with things you did doesnt make it wrong

take care x

Wurly

Yeah - total bullsh*t.

Don't feel bad about yourself cos someone's ideals differ to yours. It happens. It's life.

You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Nor nothing to explain re your past. It's your past after all.

If a person can't accept you for you, then really, what's the point?

I know it sucks now. Break ups really are the biggest pile of sh*te. Time is a healer - yeah blah blah. But it's true. Go have fun and enjoy being who you are. In a few months (hopefully sooner), you'll re read this post and be so glad you're free.

Onwards and upwards. And here's to finding someone who gets how lucky he is to be with you, right?;)

muboop1

Im not in a mood to beat around the bush. Your bf seems an awful tw@t.
I say this for multiple. Fine he wasn't impressed you tried weed or whatever... meh. Some people hate it.

Stupid reason to break up with someone do...

Id get it if it was a new habit of yours you started reacently or have been a chronic smoker and still are etc...

Unfortunately us guys tend to like our girls innocent in the past, dirty with us. Who knows... maybe it mattered that much??? No normal guy would do.

Any decent mature guy would not act this way however. Either he is seriously immature, has some personal issues or most likely this is just an excuse!

Seems like he wasn't mature enough to give you a true answer.

As i said sounds like a bit of a tw@t.

Regardless, should you keep your personal experiences to yourself?
No!

Maybe don't throw them out randomly of nowhere before you really know a guy? But thats more because that would be a bit weird.

If you want to tell someone... do!

No big deal really. It's only a big deal if you make it one! Majority of people will of experimented with weed I think, depends on the circles your in of course, but i'd imagine number generally is high enough!

Basically no, be yourself, experimental drugs and all!

pfishfood

Could it be possible that he was just using the drugs thing as an easy cop out a friend of mine used this exact excuse once. Either way it sounds like he doesn't want to be with you but still cares about you from what im gathering from your post. Its probably best to move on and find someone that will appreciate you.

CDfm

It can happen that after the honeymoon phase people get cold feet. I had something similar around 9 months ago and it was nerves in a relationship. I spoke to a friend about it and stepped back from the arguments and got stuck into enjoying it.

The thing is you invited him to find fault and doubts and he obliged you and you feel vindicated. Have you thought at all that it was your own insecurities that brought this about. Just a thought - in hindsight would you handle it differently.

In my situation a lot of it had to do with work stress so it wasnt all makey upey.

LegacyUser

just got another email from the ex to clarify certain things. i was ripping over being so judged about my past experiementation etc and was baffled at his notion that i was a "wild" thing when young and he couldn't get over this. he told me that he couldn't help it but had also thought that my belly piercing had also added to his perception of me. what a laugh! he never objected to it all the time we went out together, it's just so insulting now!

i've had my belly pierced since forever...- i'm 36- but i've a good figure and i think they are sexy. how many fella's out there disapprove of them?? any BF's i've had loved it.

but SOME people obviously don't approve... god! you think u know someone. i didn;t realise my ex was so judgemental and narrow-minded. better off?? absolutely!

MissHoneyBun

To answer your question "Am I better off without him?"

Well to put it simply, would you actually want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Surely you're worth more than that.