Relationship drowning, so am I!

LegacyUser

I don't really know where to start, but I need to get this off my chest. Have been seeing someone for 7 years ,living together one year. The past few months it just seems like our relationship is going from bad too worst and all I can find myself thinking and saying to myself lately is how much I miss what we used to be like and I think it was like two completely differant people back then , people that wanted to spend time together , wanting to do things together etc.

The past few months have been hard , it's like we can't spend any time alone without friends around, and when we do she will manage to get someone around, when I suggest having a night alone there will always be a way out of it. We barely talk I work 9-5 and she pretty much stays up all night and sleeps when I'm in work. When I try to address the issues with her it always ends up being my fault only even though Im the only one trying.

I don't seem to get any respect off her , it's like i'm told what to do and when and it's driving me crazy. The only time we ever have sex is when were drunk, just doesn't happen sober anymore has been like this for a while. Anything I seem to say to her around the house gets shot down with an insult of some sort where as she will talk to everybody else really friendly. Most of her friends are guys which is grand but she is always texting them 24/7 online or on her phone even when we are trying to have a conversation for once she will be stopping and texting and laughing as in ,X said this it's so funny etc. And whenever she is going out with them it's like she never wants me to go out or will ignore me all night when we are out she says it's because she always see's me in the house but still so do I and I don't act that way.

Since we moved in together I have been paying her share of the rent we live with others aswell , I didn't mind while she was trying to get more hours in work etc but that never happened and I am still almost expected to do it now, I'm always the cooking for her and I never even get a thanks or that was nice from her. Lately its all been getting too much I'm so used to being in a relationship i don't know what I'd be like single again but it's starting to look like anything is better than this right now, I do love her but I really don't see it back anymore, I'd be an idiot to try say she feels the same about me as she used to, the passion is just gone on her behalf and I think i've been kidding myself it's like we are together for convienience if nothing else.

Coming home from work the past few weeks I end up just eating and going to bed or to my room on my own and then getting up and going back to work as if i'm slipping into a mild depression, alot of my friends have told me that we are wrong for each other and that i'm beng walked on, that i'm a much differant person when i'm on my own and i just can't see it.

Finally on Saturday night out I ended up cheating on her with someone, was hammered but i'm not using that as an excuse I did it end of story and i'm racked with guilt about it, I didn't sleep with her but still I don't know if I did it out of wanting some sort of contact , because I wanted to end it or weather I've already been feeling single for a while but I think I have to tell my girlfriend even though I know she will break up with me or maybe just end it and not bother hurting her. I've made so many attempts to save the relationship that I think trying again is just wasting time and we will end up back where we are no matter what i'm 23 and i don't wannt spend the next 7 years of my life acting and feeling like this. Although I would love nothing more than to have the girl I fell in love with back again and be the same couple we were.

Thanks for listening anyway guys.

Mixedup

If you're only 23 now then you've been with her since you were 16 or so?
That's why you havn't broken up with her, because you know no different. You need to get out and enjoy life, be single, meet a NICE girl because she's definitely sick of you by the sounds of it, and you'd be saving her the hassle of breaking up with you.
It will be hard to break up when you've spent all your adult life with her but think off what you're missing out on! Just do it, and be happy, find someone you look forward to seeing, and who wants to spend time with you.

davyjose

Well OP, I don't know anyone that was the same person they were when they were 16. People change - they grow up.

I know it's hard, but you maybe need to see things as a single guy. A relationship shouldn't be like that at your age - it should rock. you two sound like a boring 50-something couple. Only worse, because she's still going out and having fun - WITH OTHER GUYS.

And then when you do find someone new - it won't be a 16 year old (I hope :P) but an adult who knows what they want.
You're not alone either. A lot of childhood sweetheart relationships fail, for those very reasons.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your predicament, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship at all. I was with my first boyfriend from the age of 15 up until 22/23 and by the end (or in fact a few years before the end) I felt the same way your girlfriend seems to feel. Like you said I kind of felt like I was single and in the end I met someone else which gave me the push to end things with my boyfriend. I know that sounds harsh but to me the relationship had been dead for a while anyway but I just didn't know how to end it. I suspect that something similar will happen with your girlfriend (or is already happening judging by hrt texting/nights out without you etc)

Unfortunately, it sounds like the relationship is all but over, what with her indifference towards you and your cheating on her. I would advise you to end things with her or at least have a serious talk. Have you told her how you feel? You both deserve to be happy and you clearly aren't doing that for each other at the moment.

CDfm

Thats a bit of a bummer OP.

She is not treating you with respect and seems to be enjoying her lazy life.

Sorry to put it soo bluntly. Now I have no doubt you have feelings for her and you are reacting to the situation.

There are zillions of relationship books for women and I have only come accross one for guys www.thatbitch.com by Mary Cleary of Amen and thats for guys in abusive relationships.That has a website with resourses.

There is also a book Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward and thats probably milder.But if you google the phrase you will come up with a lot of resourses that are as applicable to you.Even though its written in the female gender -its applicable to men and women.

At 23 you should be happier and you seem to have grown up whereas she seems to be a bit of a princess.

Now you are a grown up and should spell out to her how you feel and why.

I mean she cant be serious about life jobhunting etc if she is staying up all night etc and being subsidised by you. So maybe that would be an issue to raise.Its up to you to tell her that you see problems.

I wouldnt mention the other lady but you do know that someone else finds you attractive so that should raise your confidence.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys. To be honest I never thought of it as an abusive relationship, I always considered myself to be fairly self confident but I guess I can see that has been chipped away little by little over the past few months. I don't think theres a need for me to read books or anthing (But thanks anyway) I think I just need to find out myself again and get out of this situation one way or another I just can't spend another week in this hell it's destroying me, even the days I try to be upbeat I end up back at square one again.

shellyboo

OP, I was in your exact situation, except I was the girl. I did all the horrible things to my bf that your gf is doing to you. I knew I was doing it, I felt like the biggest bltch walking about it, but I could not stop. We were far too entrenched in the dynamic we'd built up to go back.

We broke up when I was 23 - we'd been together 5 years at that stage. People change. From 16 to 23, you're not the same person and neither is she. Do yourself and you gf a favour and end it now. You deserve better, much much better than her. That's what made me end it with my bf in the end - I realised we were making eachother miserable and that we both deserved to be happy.