new additions to the family - how will my child cope....

jenzz

Im looking for some serious advice please.

My ex husband dropped the bombshell the other evening his GF is pregnant with twins. We have a 6 & 7 yr old. To say I was shocked was not the word - not for myself but for my 7yr old son. He is an adorable little thing but has serious issues. These have been assessed as emotional, behavioural & psych yet no one has been able to define what it is.
Its a very strange issue or disorder & no one seems to be able to label it.Im not looking for a name for it or to label the child but i think an issue is easier dealt with when there is a name & a solution or a way to try & help. He is gorgeous but extreemly intelligent. So much so the school are having his IQ determined this week as they have no resources to deal with him whatsoever & they simply dont know what to do - I will add his teacher & the principal are fantastic. As he is not under achieving he cannot get special needs help in the school.
Its such a gift it really is, im in no way complaining. His problem is he doesnt feel emotion. He doesnt understand what a feeling is. Therefore he cannot cope with a feeling. His intelligence is his safety net. But apart from that he cannot interact with others - only adults.Even his sister he hurts her to see does it hurt, he doesnt know how to hug - if you do hug him or tell him you love him hes like a statue looking straight through you. He is in not way bold at all. ( im not doing a my johnie here) He is so so polite & quiet & in a room with other kiddies he stands out a mile as so well behaved. Even his teacher says when she thinks something is not acceptable he looks at her blank - he simply doesnt understand why shes giving out or feelings.

Now the issue I have is because of this he doesnt understand love or hate or hurt.He doesnt understand why he cant live with Daddy, Daddy is not allowed have a GF cos hes married to mammy etc.Daddy is God in his eyes & apart from Dad & maths nothing else matters in his little locked in world.
He sees everything as black or white & without emotion. He doesnt understand tears, anger, laughing - Its like he is locked somewhere. How do I explain daddys getting 2 new babies who will live with him when he cant. Where do I even start? How do I explain the usual "Daddy still loves you just as much and equally" when he doesnt understand feelings. I met with the school this week to discuss & even his teacher was in tears & she honestly did not know what to do or say. She too cannot think of anyway to explain this to a child who feels nothing. She herself most days just wants to pick him up & hug him but she agrees its likes there is nothing there.

Can anyone advise anything here? Anyone with a similar situation or knows of a child whos like this? My heart is breaking for this little boy & as you can imagine im the emotional rollercoaster for him - I do all the crying & hurting for him.

I would very much appreciate anyone who can help in anyway.

pickarooney

That's one of the most heart-breaking things I've ever read. I can't begin to imagine the pain of having a child so disconnected from his feelings. I presume he's been assessed for all forms of autism and aphasia? Maybe, if you try and try you might eventually come across someone to whom he can relate to on some level but I really have no idea how it all works in his little head.

Does he have any connection at all with animals? What age was he when his Dad left (apologies if I misinterpreted your post, but that's what I understood happened) and was he like this from day one?

smelltheglove

My eyes welled up reading your post and I feel for you seriously, I couldnt compare at all with what you are going through.

May i say though that the new babies may help him, I know it will be hard for him to comprehend, he may be suffering from some sort of detachment at the loss of his dad but something new may give him just what he needs. A new baby is full of wonder and excitement and older children seem to accept connect quite well with new babies, in my experience anyway. The first steps the first words etc etc. Something new for him to look forward to and enjoy could be a wonderful thing and he may open up tremendously to it. I know this is an optimistic view but you may as well look at both ends of the spectrum and why not address it to him as something wonderfully exciting that may bring your family closer together.

I wonder are you on good terms with your ex? Maybe sit down and discuss a way to address it, of course including his girlfriend as at the end of the day as the mother of his new children she will be part of the family. If you come up with a strategy that all of you can use then at least there will be no confusion in terms of his fathers excitement and your fear. Bring him to the shops and ask him to pick out some things for his new babies.

D rog

Could you approach your local PHN with regard to seeking a check and diagnosis of his behaviours? There are so many conditions recognised these days that I would be loath to suggest any but if you can get him into a medical system as well as the educational checks perhaps you could get some help?

jenzz

pickarooney wrote: »

That's one of the most heart-breaking things I've ever read. I can't begin to imagine the pain of having a child so disconnected from his feelings. I presume he's been assessed for all forms of autism and aphasia? Maybe, if you try and try you might eventually come across someone to whom he can relate to on some level but I really have no idea how it all works in his little head.

Does he have any connection at all with animals? What age was he when his Dad left (apologies if I misinterpreted your post, but that's what I understood happened) and was he like this from day one?

Yes they initially thought aspergers but thats been ruled out with no conclusion. Its like its an unknown condition & no one has a clue how to handle it. The school are really fantastic - the principal literly observed him for 2 weeks every single day & she has been a god send!
He was 4 when we moved. He was always a very advanced kiddie academicly; but a quiet little thing never a bother but not affectionate at all. She on the other hand is either glued to my neck or wrapped around my leg - opposite end of the spectrum. ( ill be terrified when shes in her teens lol) Even on the couch watching a film he would never sprawl all over you or cuddle up like her - even when you do he just stares at you like " what in Gods name are you doing". I brought him to my own "shrinki" & she was very confused by him. Her assesment was no psych behaviour problems just the kid is like "lost".

I bought him a little puppy last year as we always had dogs up until we moved. But the behaviour with her goes from 1 extreeme to another. He will either lie on the floor for hours talking to her. When I asked him what he tells her , he said just all his news . The next minute he can be throwing her down the slide to see can she fly!!! It is heartbreaking. We all want the best for our angels but how do I even get inside to give him this best.

jenzz

smelltheglove wrote: »

My eyes welled up reading your post and I feel for you seriously, I couldnt compare at all with what you are going through.

May i say though that the new babies may help him, I know it will be hard for him to comprehend, he may be suffering from some sort of detachment at the loss of his dad but something new may give him just what he needs. A new baby is full of wonder and excitement and older children seem to accept connect quite well with new babies, in my experience anyway. The first steps the first words etc etc. Something new for him to look forward to and enjoy could be a wonderful thing and he may open up tremendously to it. I know this is an optimistic view but you may as well look at both ends of the spectrum and why not address it to him as something wonderfully exciting that may bring your family closer together.

I wonder are you on good terms with your ex? Maybe sit down and discuss a way to address it, of course including his girlfriend as at the end of the day as the mother of his new children she will be part of the family. If you come up with a strategy that all of you can use then at least there will be no confusion in terms of his fathers excitement and your fear. Bring him to the shops and ask him to pick out some things for his new babies.

I detest him but do the false smiles in front of the kiddies - I will never say a bad word in front of them as he is their dad & our split is not their fault. It kills me to do it but its important for their relationship with dad.
I have spoken to him & he has agreed we are facing a huge hurdle.He & she are as much concerned with what to do. But our problem is where to start.
We plan on doing the excitement & wonderful when breaking the news as I agree it is wonderful for them to begin their own little family but we are at a loss as to how to & also we are afraid to open the can of worms not knowing what to do if he freaks out.

It is very upsetting to say the least to watch him. I do a daily program with him - Feeling faces - but its going nowhere - I will persever though. He must put a face on all our names & a feeling but a recent example was he put a happy laughing face on his sister after she split her head falling off the bike. He hasnt a clue really. Mammy why are you laughing at the TV, because its funny love , the man told a really funny joke & its making mammy happy - blank stare ! He cant use the words hate ,like, loath etc. She will say im not eating that I hate it or it tastes yucky & his reply will be but its food. The black & the white.

jenzz

thanks for your responses. the news has been broken - & guess what.... He thinks its the best thing since sliced bread....

You spend your whole time worrying about the them & they react completely different to what you expect .. But who cares - if hes happy , Im happy

smelltheglove

jenzz wrote: »

thanks for your responses. the news has been broken - & guess what.... He thinks its the best thing since sliced bread....

You spend your whole time worrying about the them & they react completely different to what you expect .. But who cares - if hes happy , Im happy

Thats great news jenzz. I hope it helps him discover his emotions, I', sure its a great relief to you.