He wants children but I don't

LegacyUser

I am posting this because I need the opinions and advice from people who have gone through what I am currently dealing with and I have had it running around my head for a long time.

I always thought I would want children of my own, but after a long period of self-reflection I have realised I have no desire to be pregnant, give birth, raise a child or be a parent. I am self-aware enough to know I love my life the way it is and am very reluctant to adapt to take on the care and love a child needs. I enjoy the fact that my BF and I can go away for a weekend or a spur of the moment holiday, or I can blow a weeks' wages on a bag, or we can have a lovely home which we do not have to "child proof".

I admire and respect people who are doing this, but I know I would not want to do it myself. I look at the hassle parents have, the worry and stress invovled and I do not think I can adjust my lifestyle to accomodate such a life-changing event.

However, my BF wants children very much. His sister recently had a baby and all I am now hearing is how great it is, how she can't wait to have another, and how much more fulfilled she is after the birth. I have a job I adore, we have our own place and love eachother, why do we need a child to put some sort of official stamp on our happiness?

I have no desire to go through the trauma of birth, the hassle of arranging childcare and the general upheaval a child causes. My BF tries to laugh this off, saying when we get married my feelings will change and why wouldn't people want a child to complete their family. I have told my BF this - I sat him down for a chat and told him how I felt. I wanted to give him the option to walk away, as awful as it would be, if this is something with which he could not live.

I do not think he realises I am not going to change my mind, even though I have told him everything I posted above. I do not want to mislead him and for him to say when we are married that I never told him this, but I have tried my best to tell him how I feel so I am not dishonest with him but he seems to think I'll wake up one day with a maternal instinct I do not think I'll ever feel.

I do not want him to stay in this relationship which is heading for marriage some day (we have discussed our future in this respect) if he is not getting something which seems to be fundamental to how he wants life to be. He has told me I'm the one he wants for life, as I feel he is for me, but I do not want this to hang over us if and when we are married.

Please do not judge me. Please tell me if you've been through this and what the outcome was.

Shelga

If you're 100% sure you don't want children and he's 100% sure he does, then your only option is to split up and move on. Might sound blunt but that's what it boils down to.

It's not the type of thing you can compromise on. You definitely shouldn't have children if you don't want them; equally he shouldn't have to sacrifice having kids if that is what he wants.

Perhaps you haven't made it clear enough to him that children won't be happening? I know you said you've said it to him a few times but it doesn't sound like the message is hitting home. Maybe it's that thing where people feel that a woman will inevitably want a child at some point, just because she's a woman :rolleyes:

I haven't been through that situation myself, but even now (I'm only 22), if I was with a guy who didn't want kids (I'd like them at some point), I'd be aware that there was an expiry date on our relationship. I'm sure your relationship is great in other respects, as you said, but this is a huge deal. You both deserve to have your needs fulfilled, not 'settle' and end up resenting each other.

I think deep down you already have your answer.

carlychick

hi, whew...........i am 35 going on 36 soon and i feel the same. i dont want to have children there is no way i could face childbirth and the expense of it all and the trauma of trying to bring up children in this difficult time...i think your dilemma is difficult. i think you have to be honest with your boyfriend and explain how you feel. i wouldnt end the relationship or split up either. it is always easy for guys to want kids at the end of the day its mainly women that suffer - i see it with all my friends so if you dont want children you dont and that is ok. ive another close friend who doesnt want kids either and a girl i used work with the same and it still happy with her partner - good luck

CDfm

i have kids. Divorced etc and a guy.

I have a few friends who are resolutely child free -dont want them and never will. I am totally happy being a Dad. My g/f does not want kids. she is happy with that.

You need to come clean with your boyfriend because kids are a huge commitment and if it is a dealbreaker it may be time to call it a day IMO.

Taltos

I think being someone who also thinks as you that you need to sit down asap and have that talk.

Lay all your cards on the table - make sure he is totally clear that children will never ever be a part of your life. You might have nephews/nieces/etc but you will never ever have or want a child of your own.

Then ask him to do the same.

If he wants kids then my honest recommendation is to end it on the spot.
I am not being brutal but extending it even one day more is only going to "waste" his time - and the risk of you both later coming to hate each other of 1 person controlling this relationship is hugh.

There are loads of us out there that think the same way, I was lucky to meet and marry a woman with the same mind-set as me.

I still get the whole guilt thing from my family - "you would be such a good dad" etc - and the same from my work mates - tbh when I get this in work - just want to tell em to shut the f up and mind their own business - but you know how that goes.

If you are sure about this (I know I was from 15 - now in 30s) then just be honest with your OH.

LegacyUser

Talk talk talk. Tell him exactly what you have said here. Then go your seperate ways. It doesnt seem possible for both of you to have what you want and need.

CDfm

+1 with taltos here 100%

If kids are not for you thats cool. There are plenty of people who are parents who shouldnt be allowed to have pets. You sound great and its a lifestyle decision you are making.

ash23

It was the other way around with me.
I wanted them, he didn't.

After 4 years together he finally admitted this. I was sure I could convince him. All it did was cause fight upon fight upon fight. We were miserable,I was so angry with him and he was angry with me. He ended up cheating with a 19 year old who he left me for a year or so later. His theory is that by the time she wants kids he might want them too. God love her but she'll probably be in the same boat I was in after a few years.

I was distraught at the time but I'm over him now and I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to meet someone who has the same aims in life as me (family).

This is a deal breaker. It's not something that can be compromised on.
He either accepts your decisions and thats that. Or he pretends to accept them while resentment simmers. Or ye split up.

iguana

Not wanting to have kids is a perfectly valid choice. Having a child involves making a brand new person who will completely need you for a very long time. So the only, only reason to have a child is because you really, really want to be a parent. Having a baby to please someone else is not a good idea because any resentment you might have will have a massive impact on the child.

However the urge to have a child can go deeper than I think you can imagine. You described having a child as something people do to 'cement their relationship.' It isn't. There may be some people who do that but for the most part having a child is a deep biological urge and it can feel as necessary as eating or sleeping. There is no way I want to live my life without having children, it would leave me totally and utterly incomplete. I could be the first person on Mars, the person who cures cancer or brings peace to the Middle East but my life would still feel a failure if I don't get to be a mother. If your boyfriend feels like that, even a small piece of that, and you feel the opposite your relationship has an expiration date.

I suspect you have made it as clear as possible to him that you don't want children and never will. But like many people he just refuses to accept it. Possibly because we all know of people who said for years they would never want children and go on to be the most devoted parents ever. But also because some people don't see having children as being something you decide to do, to them it's such an utterly inevitable part of life they can't imagine anyone feels differently.

You know deep down what you have to do and it sucks. But if you absolutely know you will never, ever want children and you know he will, you have to end the relationship. I know it's horrible and I suspect it would be easier on you if he would just believe you and end it himself, because then the break-up would be "his fault" and you could avoid having to make the decision. This is nobodies fault, it's just one of those awful things that happens sometimes. But there isn't really a middle ground here, neither of you is in the wrong and unfortunately this will end your relationship at some point. The sooner that happens the easier it will be in the long run.

OS119

iguana wrote: »

This is nobodies fault, it's just one of those awful things that happens sometimes. But there isn't really a middle ground here, neither of you is in the wrong and unfortunately this will end your relationship at some point. The sooner that happens the easier it will be in the long run.

kind of this, but a slightly edgier bit.

when people say (or think to themselves) 'ah, sure, you'll come round to it' what they they mean is 'yeah yeah, blah blah blah...'.

it displays a more than slight disrespect for the other persons view and the thought they've put into coming to that view - possibly even the right of that person to hold views, any views!

would anyone take so benign a view if it was anal sex on the agenda - or swinging parties, or nipple clamps? no, they wouldn't: the place would on fire - you ask a question, you get an answer. if you can't handle the answer you walk away and find a girl who's into back-door shenanigans, or swinging parties, nipple clamps and babies.

OP, this isn't going to end well, get it over with as quickly as possible.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments.
As my post stated, we have discussed this. He said it is a more serious decision to decide to have children than to decide not to have them, but I have pointed out if we do have children I will be the one pregnant, giving birth and, more than likely, assuming most of the care, all of which I do not want.
I do not want to leave him. We are truely compatable in every other way. He has become more definite about having children since his sister had a child, but I wonder if this is because his family have started asking him when He'll be producing a grandchild. My parents are not bothered one way or the other.
I don't want to talk him out of this if its something he wants or needs on a basis human level, but the talk of children from others has made him think about how big a deal this is. I cannot help wonder if his desire to succumb to "normal" family setups is what is really going on.
When I mentioned I did not want children to his sister after seeing the baby, she asked how I could deprive him of a family. Surely if we get married we are a family? I do not think I would be subject to people asking me why I did want children if I had made such a decision.
Do I give him more time? Until his sister gave birth, this was an issue we could both address, but now it seems like its make or break time.

ash23

needadvicenow wrote: »

Thanks for the comments.
As my post stated, we have discussed this. He said it is a more serious decision to decide to have children than to decide not to have them, but I have pointed out if we do have children I will be the one pregnant, giving birth and, more than likely, assuming most of the care, all of which I do not want.
I do not want to leave him. We are truely compatable in every other way. He has become more definite about having children since his sister had a child, but I wonder if this is because his family have started asking him when He'll be producing a grandchild. My parents are not bothered one way or the other.
I don't want to talk him out of this if its something he wants or needs on a basis human level, but the talk of children from others has made him think about how big a deal this is. I cannot help wonder if his desire to succumb to "normal" family setups is what is really going on.
When I mentioned I did not want children to his sister after seeing the baby, she asked how I could deprive him of a family. Surely if we get married we are a family? I do not think I would be subject to people asking me why I did want children if I had made such a decision.
Do I give him more time? Until his sister gave birth, this was an issue we could both address, but now it seems like its make or break time.

It IS make or break. This isn't about him wanting to have a "normal family setup". This is about him wanting to be a father and have babies etc.

The fact that he is basically not accepting your decision shows that he thinks you will change your mind. You think the pressure is bad now? Wait until you are married and all your friends are having babies and you're getting older and he is getting more and more resentful.

If you want to stay with him you will either have to bow to pressure and have a baby (not advisable) or he will have to forsake his desire to have children (again, not advisable).

Seeing as both of these will lead to resentment, anger, hurt, fights etc you need to realise that it boils down to this.

When one person wants something and the other doesn't, and there is no compromise, it is a dealbreaker.
You guys are no longer compatible. And trust me I know how hard it is to accept that and to be the one to call time on what is a good relationship must be tough. But if you don't it will end anyway, though perhaps a few years down the road and a lot more bitter than it should be.

If my ex had told me when he should have, if I had left at that point, the years of hurt and resentment wouldn't have happened. We no longer speak. There is soooo much bitterness there, on both sides.

I wish I'd walked away rather than trying to hang on.

If I were ever faced with the same scenario (man I love tells me he doesn't want children) I know I would have to end it. It's sad but having children is more to me than playing happy families. It's like the need to eat. It physically hurts, like an ache, if you feel it's being taken from you.
It's hard to explain. But if he wants babies he will never understand how you cannot. And vice versa.

It's doomed. I'm sorry to say that, but it is.

Taltos

needadvicenow wrote: »

He said it is a more serious decision to decide to have children than to decide not to have them

This view will not be changed.
It also shows his total understanding of your view.
Added to this is the family input.

Sorry OP. Seems like it is time to move on now, before you are forced into something you don't want or before you both end up resenting the other party and staying with them in the hope one or both of you will change your minds.

miec

Hi Op

First of all I commend your honesty with your partner, at least you are telling him the truth, I think what is going against you is that because you are a woman people assume you will change your mind because we are expected to be cluckier, you sound pretty adamnant in your thread though and you know what you want. This is one of those things you cannot compromise on and it is irrelevant where he is getting his desire for a child from, you have to spell it out now that you never want children, ever. It is sadly that make or break time. I hope it works out.

iguana

needadvicenow wrote: »

I do not want to leave him. We are truely compatable in every other way.

I'm really sorry OP but this is too big an issue. He wants children and you don't, all the other compatibilities go out the window when there is an incompatibility this big.

Most people don't want children in order to conform to expectations, they want children because they want them more than anything else. You need to understand that. The odds are he wants children every bit as much as you don't want them. Possibly even more, because at the end of the day having children is a biological urge. It's why a lot of people do change their mind about wanting children. Their intellect says 'no thanks' but as they get older their bodies' take control. Your bf is obviously hoping you are one of those people. But if you know you're not, you have to end things.

LegacyUser

OP I can relate. I got married young and just assumed that a maternal desire would kick in as soon as the time came. The opposite happened. I got more resolute in my desire not to have children. I accidentally got pregnant and had an abortion. He agreed that the timing was bad due to new job etc. but I felt huge relief. He said he was ok with the abortion and if we did not have children, but was constantly trying to subtly change my mind and really did not fully respect or believe my decision.
Time went on and it became more of an issue. We went to counselling, the counsellor and my ex both tried to convince me that having a child was the right thing. He would agree he was ok with not having children but he really was just doing it to pacify me and not force a split. One night out he got drunk and out poured a huge amount of venom and spite. Calling me a selfish bItch who only cared about myself. It was breaking point. I did not love or respect him anymore.
I am 40 now and single and have missed the boat on having a child and I do not regret it. There just is no desire there biological or otherwise. My ex has a child no with someone else and good luck to him.

I can tell you from experience he does not believe you mean no and he will resent you when you don't come over to his way of thinking.

LegacyUser

I know a woman who took the difficult decision to walk away from her partner because he wanted kids.

I also know a girl who was convinced she'd never want kids even though her partner did. She did change her mind at 34 and is now deliriously happy as a mother, it happens. But only you know your own mind on this.

I've always been the one who wanted kids. And been lead on by more than one boyfriend who's 'not now' meant not ever & I've had to walk away several times over. Now I'm in my late thirties and with a man who wants the same thing as me.... but I can't seem to get pregnant. Too many years wasted with other partners who were either indecisive or hadn't the balls to tell me the truth and handle the breakup.

And don't think that just because he's a man he can have children at any age. While this is certainly alot truer than it is for women, take a look around a fertility clinic and you'll meet alot of sad couples... and 50% of the time the problems are with the men. While not all these problems are age related, sadly we all decline with age and are designed to have kids young. This is truer than ever nowadays with the fertility of men in the western world declining year on year (thanks to oestrogen in plastics and the water supply). Sorry if this sounds negative - or even alarmist (I suppose it is a bit!) - but you really should make a decision on this as a couple now rather than later.

bronte

Hi op,
I'm afraid there is no middle ground here. It is very much a deal breaker.
I had to break up with an ex because he wanted to settle down and have children.
I had no problem in all other aspects of the relationship but kids are a no go area for me.
I ended up having to walk away.
It was pretty difficult, but deep down I felt I did the right thing.
This is nobodies fault, you're just on different paths in life.
As for his sister's comment on you "depriving" him of children. :rolleyes:
Some people have kids and think the rest of the world should too.
It is not your job to provide kids for anybody. That was an incredibly rude comment to make.
I hope you find someone who wants the same things you do.

mood

I think this is a deal breaker as well. One of you would have to give in and would end up resenting the other.

I know someone who did internet dating and on profiles it asks if you want kids or not. I think this is a good idea because a relationship really has no future if the two people involved want different things.