Should I contact ex?

LegacyUser

i broke up with my ex a while ago things were going bad due to circumstances out of my control, anyway i do get on with her as a friend, in fact we really do, should i contact her to say hello?

i dont think theres hard feelings on her part, but i dont want to be bothering her and stopping her getting on with her life

hollis12

i think you should what are you afraid of?

Wurly

ex problem wrote: »

i broke up with my ex a while ago things were going bad due to circumstances out of my control, anyway i do get on with her as a friend, in fact we really do, should i contact her to say hello?

i dont think theres hard feelings on her part, but i dont want to be bothering her and stopping her getting on with her life

Are there any residual feelings there on your part at all? Be honest.

What do you hope to gain from contacting her?

I think those are the two questions you need to honestly answer to yourself. When you answer them truthfully, you'll know yourself what the next best step is.

LegacyUser

no theres not really except i do miss her, its weird not talking to her, by getting in touch with her id like to see if shes ok, and make sure shes happy

NightOwl91

Ok..
Im a girl (surprising I know)
My ex broke up with me before even giving us a chance basically.
If he was asking this on a forum RIGHT NOW.....I would say yes.
Because, no matter how much he hurt me, i loved him
I miss him
still

Lady Davenport

ex problem wrote: »

i broke up with my ex a while ago things were going bad due to circumstances out of my control, anyway i do get on with her as a friend, in fact we really do, should i contact her to say hello?

i dont think theres hard feelings on her part, but i dont want to be bothering her and stopping her getting on with her life

You have to ask yourself honestly, do you want her as a friend or do you feel more for her. You are posting anon anyway, is there a possibility you could be a little more specific about how you broke up? When you say that it was out of your control, did her feelings change for you somehow? The answer to these questions are important if you are looking for the best advice possible.

LegacyUser

Lady Davenport wrote: »

You have to ask yourself honestly, do you want her as a friend or do you feel more for her. You are posting anon anyway, is there a possibility you could be a little more specific about how you broke up? When you say that it was out of your control, did her feelings change for you somehow? The answer to these questions are important if you are looking for the best advice possible.

i dont know if i want her as a friend or what i just want to contact her to let her know im thinking of her in a sweet way, we broke up due to difficulties i was experiencing, im over them now, she found them hard to deal and it showed in her behaviour with and i made the move to break up which i still feel was the right thing to do , i do like her as a mate enough to find out how she is, i couldnt handle seeing her or anything yet but id like to text her

Lady Davenport

op here wrote: »

i dont know if i want her as a friend or what i just want to contact her to let her know im thinking of her in a sweet way, we broke up due to difficulties i was experiencing, im over them now, she found them hard to deal and it showed in her behaviour with and i made the move to break up which i still feel was the right thing to do , i do like her as a mate enough to find out how she is, i couldnt handle seeing her or anything yet but id like to text her

Okay, thanks for that. Well how did she react towards the break-up? Is there a particular reason that you didn't keep in contact with her anyway? Sorry so many questions! I like to stay friends with exes, because I don't regret any relationship I've had. There are a few questions that you do need to ask yourself so you can understand your own motive for wanting to get in touch with her. It will also help you to know what to say to her if you do text her, and how to open the conversation.

LegacyUser

Lady Davenport wrote: »

Okay, thanks for that. Well how did she react towards the break-up? Is there a particular reason that you didn't keep in contact with her anyway? Sorry so many questions! I like to stay friends with exes, because I don't regret any relationship I've had. There are a few questions that you do need to ask yourself so you can understand your own motive for wanting to get in touch with her. It will also help you to know what to say to her if you do text her, and how to open the conversation.

well she was ok with it, she went through tough times with me and was just drained from it all so it was fairly close to mutual, we didnt stay in touch because we both had feelings even at the break up we were quite close

Karen_*

There's plenty of other people in the world you can be mates with. Let her get on with her life and you do same.

NightOwl91

op here wrote: »

well she was ok with it, she went through tough times with me and was just drained from it all so it was fairly close to mutual, we didnt stay in touch because we both had feelings even at the break up we were quite close

Was this a long distant relationship????

LegacyUser

well sort of i suppose

Sephiroth_dude

Just leave her be and get on with your own life.

NightOwl91

ok...i get you now.
Well, maybe you should just ring her? Just say hi?
No harm..
Maybe shes waiting for you to make a move?

LegacyUser

well seperoth guy, i just want to be friends with her and have a chat i dont see how that would hold back her life, night owl it isnt a move im necessarily looking to make, just to say a friendly hi, i think it might be tough for both of us if i called now

hollis12

whats the harm in contact, but the person who pushed for the split has to realize that the romance in the relationship isnt the only thing that is finished, a lot of the time the dumper means nothing to the person who dumped him/her

CDfm

if contact doesnt do either of you any harm there is nothing wrong with it at all.

Miss Fluff

I say leave the girl alone and let her get on with things. You'll only confuse matters by getting in touch. I'm sure you have plenty other friends you can phone for a chat, just leave her be.

LegacyUser

Say you do end up contacting her OP and you realise that she still has strong feelings for you and you for her, would you consider trying things again? Like I think what you have to ask yourself is whether you want to just be friends with the girl or more because you may make things harder and more hurtful for the girl if she ends up wanting more.

CDfm

-p- wrote: »

Say you do end up contacting her OP and you realise that she still has strong feelings for you and you for her, would you consider trying things again? Like I think what you have to ask yourself is whether you want to just be friends with the girl or more because you may make things harder and more hurtful for the girl if she ends up wanting more.

+1 but if she says stop the lights respect it.

There are no absolutes but try to put her first and do whats right.

Leah-G1

I would maybe send her a polite breezy email, that way there wont be any awkwardness and she can reply at her own leisure if she wants to! If she's moved on I doubt her new man would be too happy with you calling out of the blue and it may cause some problems for her. I think its the least invasive way and really leaves the ball in her court if shes comfortable with getting back in touch Good Luck!

LegacyUser

listen im just trying to be friends with a girl i like talking to, some people think i have some ulterior motive to hurt the girl, im a strong person i know ill be grand and if i thought i was hurting her in any way ill stop

hollis12

yea i think people here are being a bit negative about it saying things like leave the girl alone ect, was she close to you op?

LegacyUser

yea we were, she defiantly was close to me as a friend!

CDfm

for some people the friends thing doesnt work and both people need to be in the same headspace on it.

can i be frank

im in a simular position, do you still like her op, how do you know if shes in the same mindset as you though?

MissIT

Don't. If she wants to be friends she will contact you.
You will confuse her beyond belief.
My ex text the other night begging for us to be friends but to be honest no matter how much i love and miss him talking to him is so hard knowing i'll never be able to kiss him again or wrap his arms around me.
No contact is easier. Sorry

LegacyUser

MissIT wrote: »

Don't. If she wants to be friends she will contact you.
You will confuse her beyond belief.
My ex text the other night begging for us to be friends but to be honest no matter how much i love and miss him talking to him is so hard knowing i'll never be able to kiss him again or wrap his arms around me.
No contact is easier. Sorry

well how do you know youll never be with him again?

MissIT

op here wrote: »

well how do you know youll never be with him again?

Because he has no interest in trying to make it work he doesn't want me simple as that

I hope we can be friends because he really was my best friend as my boyfriend but it wont be for long time. Maybe your ex and me are different but I know it would make it harder for me. Then again it's only been a few weeks for me so it could change. Do what you feel is right for the two of you i hope what ever you decide works out well

clones1980

Hi Op

Id think very carefully before contacting her. What if say you do contact her and find that she has moved on with her life and is now seeing someone else. How would you feel??? If that would annoy or upset you than i would leave well enough alone.

Danniboo

Are either of you in another relationship?

Sephiroth_dude

op here wrote: »

well seperoth guy,

Its sephiroth_dude not guy :-p:pac:

LegacyUser

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Its sephiroth_dude not guy :-p:pac:

lol sorry man, well just to say again i just wanted to contact her as a friend, and as i said im a strong minded person plenty of my exs are with people and its grand for me to talk to them

1071823928

yes op i would contact her, there is no harm in seeing how she is doing and maybe she wants to contact you but feels like she shouldn't or can't? if you care then do it, it is always nice to be on good terms with an ex.

hollis12

yea i would just mind that sometimes men find it easeir to shut off their feeling, and know that by contact sometimes the feelings come back

LegacyUser

im not sure if shes in a relationship danniboo, i woiuldnt really ask her, when im testing the waters how do i know if she still likes me so i can be careful not to hurt anyone?

shellyboo

I think this is one area where men and women are just different.

Do me a favour, OP... go read this thread. See how melted her head is? I couldn't even get to the end of the post, so can you imagine how confused she is?

What, to you, is a simple phone call is ^THAT^ to your ex. We overthink everything. Let it be. You're introducing unnecessary stress and complications into her life - you've already hurt her once, don't risk doing it again.

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years and he insisted that we keep in touch coz he couldn't bare to not know about my life. I did but never felt it was a good idea because I was always in his mind and he remained part of my life for longer than he should have. I only replied to him when he made contact, I never instigated it. I never felt I had the right to know about his life, since I was the one doing the dumping. It took him many years to get over me. This was a drain on my life as I loved him dearly but just not enough. I would try to meet other guys but he was always in the back burner, to the point where I would compare people to him and expect guys to love me as much as he did. Now he is happy with another woman, and I haven't met anyone. We should have cut contact back when it happened.

The dumper rarely gets sympathy. But I have huge sympathy for anyone who has to dump somebody, especially if they still love them. Because you need to accept that you give up your rights to know or be close to the person you dump. Unless she asks for it, I don't think you should contact her.

At some stage ye will both need to move on, so why put it off. Let her go. Leave her live her live and you live yours.

magneticimpulse

you say you want to contact her as a friend? but do you have intensions to take it further if she still likes you? or you just want friends? if you are purely just looking to be friends, its kinda a waste to contact her.im sure she already has plenty of friends. if you think you could give it another go, i think contact her. (but be aware it might not progress anywhere)

it didnt work 1st time round, do you think things have changed enough that it can work this time? im a firm believe that sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time and if this is the case, what do you have to loose by contacting her?

LegacyUser

listen we got on extremly well as bf/gf , is there any harm being in contact if i know she hasnt got feelings for me anymore, true we may both have lots of friends but do you just let go of a great friend you really connected with? if i feel things are getting heavy ill leave her alone

LegacyUser

be honest seriously!

you have loads of friends, she has too im sure so really here its just you missing her and wanting to be in touch and im seriously doubting your reasons of just wanting to be friends.

sure you got on SO well as gf/bf but here you just said it....AS GF/BF! which you are not anymore. its easy for you to say OH if i see things are getting heavy i will leave her alone...how sweet of you! after you contact her and stir things up for her you will then leave again.

If you really care for her, and if you were ever such a good friend to her then leave her alone. If she wants to be friends with you she will contact you thats how it should be.
Let her decide to contact you first.

you broke up, that means you lose all privileges to be great buddies and be a part of her life wich clearly you wanna be a part of.


I dont mean to be arsh here but i had to be honest, either you are in denial consciently or not or you are really selfish.

LegacyUser

letsbereal wrote: »

be honest seriously!

you have loads of friends, she has too im sure so really here its just you missing her and wanting to be in touch and im seriously doubting your reasons of just wanting to be friends.

sure you got on SO well as gf/bf but here you just said it....AS GF/BF! which you are not anymore. its easy for you to say OH if i see things are getting heavy i will leave her alone...how sweet of you! after you contact her and stir things up for her you will then leave again.

If you really care for her, and if you were ever such a good friend to her then leave her alone. If she wants to be friends with you she will contact you thats how it should be.
Let her decide to contact you first.

you broke up, that means you lose all privileges to be great buddies and be a part of her life wich clearly you wanna be a part of.


I dont mean to be arsh here but i had to be honest, either you are in denial consciently or not or you are really selfish.

your not being harsh your just not in possession of the whole story i didnt metion that recently she asked me to keep in contact, that she missed talking to me! i wouldnt have thought about contacting her otherwise, and if she asks me to contact her im sure she hasnt any strong feelings for me anymore, also we got on great as friends before going out

LegacyUser

Ok well thx for the new info into the whole story.

The thing you dont seem to realise is that, again, why bother trying the friendship with her if you have so many friends...sure shes not the only girl you got on very well with.

i have gone a very similar situation, years ago, we were best of friends and then went out together etc..then broke up, it took me ages to get over it/him, 2 years went by, occasional texts here and there but nothing more, then we met up for a chat, i pretended to him i was sooo over him, totally played it cool when it fact, deep down it was still there, the laughing with him and the connection of sam sense of humour and happy memory flood back in....

SO all im saying to you is she might have contacted you cos she wants to be around you and im pretty sure she wont admit to you if she still has feeling for you, maybe she wants to see you again to show you how shes doing, all good and the fun girl, people always put out there best side when meetign an ex...etc..and thats where meeting an ex is really dangerous, cos after you are broken up and time has past by, the only memories that are going to surface is the happy ones and the fun times and then what!? what will happens...always one person get hurt in those situation, so really, what is the reason getting back in touch....if you wanna be in touch to see how you feel about her then say it, at the beggining of you post here you seemed not really over her to be honest...

this whole thing of contacting and becoming friends again with exes is swimming in sharks water in my opinion.

Go on as you really seem to have made up your mind but in my complete honest opinion and from mine and others situations i witnessed there is rarely an happy ending to friendship with an ex, not unless its been 5 years or more since the breakup and still!

LegacyUser

letsbereal wrote: »

Ok well thx for the new info into the whole story.

The thing you dont seem to realise is that, again, why bother trying the friendship with her if you have so many friends...sure shes not the only girl you got on very well with.

i have gone a very similar situation, years ago, we were best of friends and then went out together etc..then broke up, it took me ages to get over it/him, 2 years went by, occasional texts here and there but nothing more, then we met up for a chat, i pretended to him i was sooo over him, totally played it cool when it fact, deep down it was still there, the laughing with him and the connection of sam sense of humour and happy memory flood back in....

SO all im saying to you is she might have contacted you cos she wants to be around you and im pretty sure she wont admit to you if she still has feeling for you, maybe she wants to see you again to show you how shes doing, all good and the fun girl, people always put out there best side when meetign an ex...etc..and thats where meeting an ex is really dangerous, cos after you are broken up and time has past by, the only memories that are going to surface is the happy ones and the fun times and then what!? what will happens...always one person get hurt in those situation, so really, what is the reason getting back in touch....if you wanna be in touch to see how you feel about her then say it, at the beggining of you post here you seemed not really over her to be honest...

this whole thing of contacting and becoming friends again with exes is swimming in sharks water in my opinion.

Go on as you really seem to have made up your mind but in my complete honest opinion and from mine and others situations i witnessed there is rarely an happy ending to friendship with an ex, not unless its been 5 years or more since the breakup and still!

i am over her, i was in your situation before and it nearly killed me so fair enough, i will take your advice and learn from the past the best case scenario for me would have been both of us having no feelings but still having the friendly connection, well what do i do if she contacts me? do i tell her its too hard for me?

LegacyUser

hi again,

well i really hope i wasnt sounding arsh to you, but its important to see it for what it is.

if you are honestly over her, why so much thinking bout her. Sure if she contact you again jsut reply in a friendly way but short. dont get into long back and forth texts its pointless. has she tried to ask you to meet?

my latest bf is the one who broke up and we tried the friend thing but none of us could move on and he was constantly getting in touch with me so one day i had it and got pissed at him, telling him i couldnt be his friend until one day he meets a girl and disappear on me! he agree and promised to never get in touch again...4 months went by and i felt like i was ready to be friend with him, i was missing him so much its conflictual cos part of you know you need to forget bout him bu the other wants to have him in your life...i sent him a message, 3 days later he contacted me to say never to contact him ever again, pretty much disapear of his life.

ok so thats extreme scenario, to this day, 2 months later, im still puzzled why the sudden 360 degrees change when hes the one who broke up. its hard when you break up and still love the person which is exacatly why friendship are really hard to maintain!!

I think you should be honest, it seems her being on contact with you is messing with your head a little cos i can see you wanna have her in your life and you probably miss her too, even tho you say you are over her...my opinion, and again its my point of view so you do what you think is best for you but i would simply cut her lose and not replying much and not often. or just tell her friendship is not in the card for now....but then again, if my ex would of told me that instead of "never contact me again" i would probably interpret it as ...oh so hes still has feeling for me then..
cos as you probably know, us girls over think everything and every little words that come out of a guys mouth!!

best is to accept that friendship wont happens and move on, say thanks but no thanks and stop replying in a polite way.

LegacyUser

i guess your right, the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone, especially a person i was once close with im not sure i have feelings for this person but i do think if i keep talking to her it will be hard to forget the feelings

NightOwl91

Where is the full story? :P

Wibbs

NightOwl91 how is that helpful? The OP(nor any other) has NO obligation to reveal any more than they want to. You want a soap opera? May I suggest the evening schedule on TV3. Helpful posts only in future. Thanks.

LegacyUser

Hello Op,

I know exactly the feeling you have. My boyfriend of a good number of years dumped me in the summer of this year, I was completely gutted. I loved him so deeply and it hurt so much. We had a great relationship, even though we had some really rotten times we had come through them, but when we broke up, he wanted to remain friends with me. I know from what he told me of his past, when his ex of 14 years left him, he asked her to remain friends with him but she said no. Which left me to think he was doing this with me cos it was something his ex didn't give him.

My problem is that even though he has moved on and even though he still is in contact with me, I still have feelings for him and feel as though I have not moved on as much as I should have. I feel he has the better deal and even though we were friends before we started dating, this friendship is in no way the same as the one we had before. He texts me, but never rings, I have phoned him but our conversations feel awkward that I am not ringing again, we don't meet any more and he doesn't always reply to my texts. I know, like you, my ex and me, had such a great relationship, it would be hard for me and maybe for him, not to have each other in our lives. But I do not believe we are 'friends' any more. It is more like a communication and that is most likely what you may get from her.

The friendship you had with her may have changed with her, as in that she may feel differently towards you and you may talk of things, but the horrid thing is you cannot go over old ground and you have to watch what you say and do, so as not to inflame past feelings. The friendship I have with my ex, is a guarded one and even though sometimes I wish he would get out of my life completely, it is a hard task as I do not want him to not be a part of my life somehow.

I know I cannot talk to him about personal things and the companionship we had in the relationship is gone, and that is where you may find it hard to take when you contact your ex. Things are not the same when you have come out of a relationship and still communicate.

So if you do contact her, be guarded what you say, keep the conversation light and do not go into anything personal. There is no harm in contacting her just be prepared that she may not want to remain in contact or she may want to be friends but again be prepared to take small steps. You are not her boyfriend any more so you have lost the privilege of being a great part of her life.

I am sorry for you and I know what it feels like to have the need to remain in contact. Just take it easy and think about what you are going to say to her and if she wants to keep in contact with you then, by all means do so, but if she doesn't want to, then you have to be prepared for that. Be also prepared that she may have started dating someone else or that her life is busy and full. So prepare and think before you speak or text her what you are going to say so as not to give her hope that want to get back with her or hurt her.

I wish you the very best of luck and I really hope it works out for you the way you would like it too.

NightOwl91

Wibbs wrote: »

NightOwl91 how is that helpful? The OP(nor any other) has NO obligation to reveal any more than they want to. You want a soap opera? May I suggest the evening schedule on TV3. Helpful posts only in future. Thanks.

Actually, the op replied to another poster to read the full story .. And seeing your reply, I went back and read again, and surprise surprise, I misread. And I was only asking where it is to get perspective as I cannot see it ..And of course I couldnt since, as a human, I misread, it happens... Naturally, we are all prone to misread things.
No I dont want a soap opera but thank you so much for the suggestion.