partner getting fat & lack of attraction

LegacyUser

We've being going out a few months but lately Ive noticed my partner is putting on weight and its becoming a turn off as Im becoming less physically attracted to him. He works in a very sedentary job and I don't think he eats very well when he's not with me - I eat mainly fish, veg etc but I know he'll eat anything when he's hungry. Ive suggested we go for walks and I always cook really healthy but the last time we were "getting it on" and taking off our clothes, all I could look at was his beer belly. I know this might sound shallow but I can't have sex with someone when I'm beginning to get less physically attracted to him.
He always says things like he can't beleive someone as pretty as me is going out with him (Im good looking but no supermodel!) but I think he's feeling that as we're in a very secure relationship and Im committed to him, he can let himself go. Guys, how should I approach this? I do not want to crush him or come across as a naggy girlfriend.

LegacyUser

you should just do this guy a favour and dump him!
true love has nothing to do with physicality! looks change over time.
if you really loved him his looks would be irrelevant.
what if you got in a car accident tomorrow and lost a limb? and what if he left you because he couldn't have sex with someone who was missing a leg or an arm. what would that make him? how would you feel?
real relationships that are meant to last are based on something more than looks...because, as i said, looks don't last....it's the person you should be attracted to.
if you're not...dump him!

Wagon

disgusted! wrote: »

if you really loved him his looks would be irrelevant.

Sorry, but i don't believe that even for a second. You have to find your partner attractive, otherwise what else is there? Attraction is important in a relationship.

what if you got in a car accident tomorrow and lost a limb? and what if he left you because he couldn't have sex with someone who was missing a leg or an arm. what would that make him? how would you feel?

Completely irrelevent. That's a horrible accident your describing (something out of his control). The OP's boyfriend is just letting himself go.

real relationships that are meant to last are based on something more than looks...because, as i said, looks don't last....it's the person you should be attracted to.

Real relationships are honest. If she's honest enough to say that she wants to be attracted to her partner, she has a right to. Don't crucify her for it.

OP, the way you should approach this is depending on what your boyfriend is like. Does he take critisism well or does he need to be just encouraged? Or does he need an outright kick in the arse? You know what he's like and we dont. One more thing, if you want him to just look like he was when you met him then fair enough. But of you are trying to make him work out into your "ideal man" then that's different. I'm assuming its the first one though.

G-Money

OP, also think about how you'd expect him to react if it were you putting on the weight? Don't say "I'd expect him to end it with me" if you don't genuinely mean that or just because it suits your current stance.

Would you expect him to stay with you regardless because he likes you for you, and not for how you look naked?

extrinzic

That's not entirely fair Disgusted!. In a world of make believe, you might be justified in your opinion, but the rest of us live in reality. Sure, if he lost a leg, everything would change. It would test anybody's metal. But he hasn't lost a leg, has he! Physical attraction is very important, and you need to make it clear to him OP that you want him to be fit and sexy. You need to tell him that he has to try because if he loves you he would try. He may never be chiselled out of marble, but that doesn't give him the excuse to let himself go entirely. I think that as long as he generally makes a reasonable effort, you should be satisfied that he is doing it for both of you. You should talk with him about it, and tell him that you are open to encouragement (constructive criticism) also. I am sure there are things about you OP that he puts up with. Do you ever wonder what they are?

Emme

amishallow wrote: »

He always says things like he can't beleive someone as pretty as me is going out with him (Im good looking but no supermodel!) but I think he's feeling that as we're in a very secure relationship and Im committed to him, he can let himself go.

Next time he says that say to him that looking good takes work like eating healthily, taking exercise etc. but it's a matter of pride for you to look good and you feel that you owe it to yourself, to him and the world at large to look the best you can, and doesn't everyone feel that way?

IMHO letting yourself go once you're in a relationship is a no-no. This is something that Irish people tend to do and it's really bad and disrespectful to your partner. You seem to be motivated to look after yourself - if he's not motivated to do the same then maybe you're not compatible and he'd be better off with somebody a bit more laid back.

Terodil

Emme wrote: »

IMHO letting yourself go once you're in a relationship is a no-no. [...] it's really bad and disrespectful to your partner. You seem to be motivated to look after yourself - if he's not motivated to do the same then maybe you're not compatible and he'd be better off with somebody a bit more laid back.

This. 100%!

Of course it's ok to let go *occasionally*. You don't need to wear make-up or eat healthily or work out every single day. But if you let yourself go on a daily basis, it's a slap in the face. Your partner needs a wake-up call, OP.

minidazzler

TBH there are a few ways you can handle this.

Christmas is coming up, get him a Gym Membership, It's a fairly strong hint TBH.

If he doesn't get the hint. Then talk to him.

I don't suggest talking to him first as it will be embarrassing for both of ye!! The Gym membership should give him the idea!!

You are under NO obligation to find him attractive if he turns into an unfit fatty it's not what you started with. If he is not willing to get in shape to please you and at the same time get himself healthy, then think about having THE talk with him.

He can only get bigger in fairness if he doesn't change his habits!

opinion guy

minidazzler wrote: »

TBH there are a few ways you can handle this.

Christmas is coming up, get him a Gym Membership, It's a fairly strong hint TBH.

If he doesn't get the hint. Then talk to him.

I don't suggest talking to him first as it will be embarrassing for both of ye!! The Gym membership should give him the idea!!

You are under NO obligation to find him attractive if he turns into an unfit fatty it's not what you started with. If he is not willing to get in shape to please you and at the same time get himself healthy, then think about having THE talk with him.

He can only get bigger in fairness if he doesn't change his habits!

Disagree with this. Some people don't like to work out in a gym and they are expensive so it could be expensive waste of money that could become an issue of contention. Besides I think he really needs to find motivation for himself and not be coerced/guilted into it (and personally if I felt like someone was trying to guilt or coerce me into it instead of bringing it up directly - I would be even less likely to exercise and more likely to eat). I think Wagon hit the nail on the head - you will have to take an approach suited to him

BraziliaNZ

i'm sure i've seen threads like this in here with the M giving out about the F and there was outrage from the women of boards. Double standards?

How Soon Is Now

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

i'm sure i've seen threads like this in here with the M giving out about the F and there was outrage from the women of boards. Double standards?

Carefull your not being helpfull to the OP you might get asked tone it down :rolleyes: lol nah in all fairness if you dont like things bout someone like way they look if its a major problem for you and u cant find a nice way of sayin it to them let them be dont hurt them maybe he is happy with himself ya no? Either talk to him nicely about it or if bothers u that much finish with him.

Terodil

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

i'm sure i've seen threads like this in here with the M giving out about the F and there was outrage from the women of boards. Double standards?

I agree -- I never understood the outrage and tbh if my OH consistently failed to take criticism on board, especially about things that are easily manageable with just a bit of effort and discipline and that do not even define her personality, it would be a major put-off for me. It's body weight, not a personality disorder!

There are things that are not easily manageable and that everybody of us needs help with to overcome or even more so to accept (accidents, illnesses, life itself (age, birth etc)...). But simply letting yourself go once you are in a committed relationship is not one of these.

And BTW this definitely goes both ways. Coming home and putting your feet up expecting your OH to do the housework is not on either. It's not what love is about.

BraziliaNZ

point him to the fitness forum and the nutrition and diet forum. They know their stuff there.

LegacyUser

Love should be unconditional.

BraziliaNZ

juneau wrote: »

Love should be unconditional.

Ireland should have qualified for the World Cup

token56

juneau wrote: »

Love should be unconditional.

Love will always have conditions, for example you have to be attracted to them, based on physical appearance and personality. Should a person come in here and say their partners personality has changed for the worse but they are still as beautiful physically as when they met, it is just as unfair to say "Love should be unconditional". If something in a relationship changes which makes any partner less attracted to the other, be this physical or personality or whatever, then it warrants discussion to take place This is the way relationships have to be if they are to be successful.

OP, You need to talk to him about it in some way. If he doesn't know there is a problem well he simple wont sort out. Certainly if he feels the relationship is very secure then he has no motivation to change either. If you want to continue the relationship and work on it, then you have to say something to him even if he is not going to like it

LegacyUser

The OP never mentioned love, they are going out a couple of months this is not definitly some serious long term relationship.

At this stage physical attraction is still very important, maybe it matters less as you go on into more serious relationship, we all know pregnancy does a womans body no favors and it would be terrible for a man to give out about that.

But in this case the OP concerns are perfectly valid, in any realtionship both parties have to make a bit of an effort.

LegacyUser

OP here,
Thanks for advice! He has gym membership but he is working very long hours (till midnight all this week) and naturally the takeaway is his friend! He also has a tendancy to overdo the beer at the weekends, which also doesn't help.
He has said things like he needs to shed a few pounds but doesn't follow up with changes to his diet or more exercise. The only exercise I could talk him into last week was a stroll before he insisted we stop for coffee. The L word has been said, so this is a relationship I want to invest in, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. How should I bring it up with him, other than sounding like a harpy wife only a few months in?

Darthhoob

i'm the kind of person who judges by personaility more than anything! but that doesn't mean i cannot be sexually attracted to them. if i wasn't i coudln't go there. we all have different tastes. if you dont feel attracted to him anymore you cannot simply ignore it! i dont know how to go about it...but i will say you cannot pressure people into loosing weight. tbh i'm sure he knows he is getting bigger...and judging by his "i cannot believe someone as pretty as you would go out with me" attitude he is probably feeling a bit rubbish about himself and needs motivation. whilst he feels like that he is less likely to lose any weight.
only thing i can suggest is going swimming together, walking together (long walks to country parks etc)...get him realising that exercise is good for the soul as well as looks.

i'm a big girl myself and over the years i've just got bigger and bigger. for me it was cos i had very low self esteem and although i cannot lose weight atm (pregnant) i have a big action plan in line for when i am ready after the birth....simply cos my self esteem has improved and i am hurtling towards 30 and dont want to be fat any longer...or get fatter! people change as they age or have accidents atc...but simply letting yourself go is not attractive...i'm just lucky my OH is like me and doesn't care as much as alot of people. i was big when i met him though

yes people should accept a bit of change in appearance, but they shouldn't have to accept someone they do not find attractive. i do not think that is shallow

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd be completely honest with him. I know if I felt a girl wasn't attracted to me over my weight I'd be hitting the gym. The odd walk isn't going to make him lose any fat. Gym's open at 6/7am so why can't he go before work?

Wibbs

I think it would be the creeping change, especially at this stage of the relationship that would get me. Why the change I would be thinking. Are they someone who figures "ahh I have a BF/GF now so let it all hang out". It can be things other than physical appearance too. Like taking the other for granted, losing the romance, backing off sexually. That's what would trouble me and I would reconsider the relationship at that point TBH for any one of those reasons.


I will say have no truck with men or woman going out with someone, then deciding to change them. None at all. I knew a guy who did this. Met a woman went out with her and then decided that she needed to lose weight, change her hair colour FFS!. Mad.

davyjose

juneau wrote: »

Love should be unconditional.

If he became violent and abusive, or unfaithful, would you dole out the same glib, catch-all statement?

LegacyUser

if you were in the relationship just for sex then i would feel that your concerns are entirely justified but I really do think that if you love someone, properly for who they are, then they are so attractive to you no matter what. I know for a fact i would love my bf, and find him attractive, and that he would turn me on if he was any weight or missing an arm or wrinkly and grey! and he has certainly told me that he feels the same way. If this situation was reversed and you had a child for example and your tummy went all flabby, then it would be exactly the same situation, you could have worked out more when pregnant etc, but how would you feel then if he told you he didnt find you physically attractive anymore?

Blackpitts

Hey Op
i was there so I know what you feel.
My gf was getting lazy and fat, she loved to spend sundays on the couch recovering from an hangover eating chips with gravy. At the end she put a lot of weight on and the attraction was gone.
I've tried to go for a walk, to take a mambership to a gym together, to eat healthy (i did all the cooking anyway), but all she could do was moaning about my shallow requests and eating ice cream after dinner every night.
She has driven me mad many times when she was looking at therself at the mirror and saying "oh, look at the state of me!", but she put no effort in getting back to shape.
At the end the love was gone and we broke up, maybe more than her appearance I was let down by the fact that she was lazy and she couldn't take care of herself, so she didn't want to take care of our relationship too.

I suggest you to have a chat with him, try to be straight but not rude, tell him how handsome he is and how you'd like to see him in shape like he was when you met him, usually guys take these comments on board far better than a girl. My current gf told me that I should have exercised more and the only thing i had in my head was "i want her to like me and I want me to like myself" and it has worked v good, sex is still amazing between us and we are getting married next year.

good luck

Wibbs

Blackpitts wrote: »

At the end the love was gone and we broke up, maybe more than her appearance I was let down by the fact that she was lazy and she couldn't take care of herself, so she didn't want to take care of our relationship too.

Bingo. That's what would throw me and have me leave too.

greenman09

Well i am heavy and my gf has been at me for years to lose a bit of weight. Fortunaletly for me i have done something about after few years and lost2and half stone in a few months. All it takes is a bit of willpower as when he sees it coming off he may stick to it. We are both at the gym and would walk every night, the big thing is changing the eating habits. Good luck in changing him as it will be worth it.
Speaking from experience.

LegacyUser

Blackpitts wrote: »

At the end the love was gone and we broke up, maybe more than her appearance I was let down by the fact that she was lazy and she couldn't take care of herself, so she didn't want to take care of our relationship too

Charming! Lots of people go through phases like this either through simple work exhaustion or feeling a bit low from time to time. It's not always 'oh they're fat and lazy and let themselves go'. If my BF was comfort eating and put on a bit of weight my only concern would be to make him feel better, he's my BF so I'm going to find him attractive whatever way he looks. It's a pity so many people can't see past a little bit of weight. I would never ever drop my guy for that. If you can drop someone simply for a bit of weight gain then there's more wrong with the relationship than too much chips and gravy.

BraziliaNZ

november2009 wrote: »

Charming! Lots of people go through phases like this either through simple work exhaustion or feeling a bit low from time to time. It's not always 'oh they're fat and lazy and let themselves go'. If my BF was comfort eating and put on a bit of weight my only concern would be to make him feel better, he's my BF so I'm going to find him attractive whatever way he looks. It's a pity so many people can't see past a little bit of weight. I would never ever drop my guy for that. If you can drop someone simply for a bit of weight gain then there's more wrong with the relationship than too much chips and gravy.

I would drop someone if i was no longer attracted to them and they weren't willing to do anything about it.

Blackpitts

november2009 wrote: »

Charming! Lots of people go through phases like this either through simple work exhaustion or feeling a bit low from time to time. It's not always 'oh they're fat and lazy and let themselves go'. If my BF was comfort eating and put on a bit of weight my only concern would be to make him feel better, he's my BF so I'm going to find him attractive whatever way he looks. It's a pity so many people can't see past a little bit of weight. I would never ever drop my guy for that. If you can drop someone simply for a bit of weight gain then there's more wrong with the relationship than too much chips and gravy.

Obviously you haven't read properly what I have written.
I've told my ex many times that the attraction was not the same, that I was tired to hear HER complaining about herself at the mirror and do nothing about it, I've tried to be supportive (diet, gym, walks together) for a long time, but she couldn't give up the ice cream or the chocs while she was spending nights at home watching crappy TV.
She didn't want to bother about what it was important for me in our relationship (and every relationship has a % of love and a % of attraction), so I felt I couldn't trust her in case we would have other types of issues, even more serious than some extra weight.
As a matter of fact her laziness was in the way she managed her money, her belongings, her job...I started to connect the dots and all I could see was an unreliable person that I didn't want to spend my life with.
If the OP's bf will show some effort in losing the extra weight, she will think only good things of him and this will make also their relationship healthier.

LegacyUser

davyjose wrote: »

If he became violent and abusive, or unfaithful, would you dole out the same glib, catch-all statement?

That's a stupid statement someone who "loves" you would not do these things. So you're comparing how you look to giving someone a beating.. Riggghhhtt. Do they have a wives home for women who's men have beer bellies???

squonk

Haven't read all this admittedly but I find it a bit distasteful on the part of the OP. OK, she has a valid point, if someone is letting themselves go because they're lazy or whatever and in a relationship then that's bad. What I read was that this chap is working long hours in a sedentary job. Now, if you're getting out of work late, tired and hungry you're not exactely going to skip to the gym are you?

I think the OP should either try to convince him to look for a job that's less demanding on his time, because it'll be better for him to have more of a life and it'll be good for the relationship overall too.

My gripe is that it sounds like the guy is working overtime, putting on a bit of weight because of it and now the OP is unattracted to him. Fair enough but I just find it distateful and I think the best thing she could do is set the lad free. Say what you like, the guy isn't going to get more youthful over time so if she's put off now, then it doesn't sound good.

Terodil

squonk wrote: »

What I read was that this chap is working long hours in a sedentary job. Now, if you're getting out of work late, tired and hungry you're not exactely going to skip to the gym are you?

To be honest, there is even more reason to do that if you are working long hours in a sedentary job. It's essential to establish some balance. 'Mens sana in corpore sano.' He should therefore want to do that for himself because he'll feel much better that way too. The fact that his partner will feel more attracted to him again is a nice bonus.

@November: I don't think that anybody is saying that people don't need help now and then to overcome bad phases. But for such simple things such as a lack of exercise, balance, and health in one's life, it requires some self-initiative and discipline. The partner cannot help with those except with a kick in the a*.

Blackpitts

squonk wrote: »

What I read was that this chap is working long hours in a sedentary job. Now, if you're getting out of work late, tired and hungry you're not exactely going to skip to the gym are you?

i do also work in a sedentary job and I have not a lot of time to hit the gym, but I don't DO takeaways, I don't eat mars/bunnies/muffins during the day, I cook the food for the next day instead of eating a sambo or curry in the canteen, i don't drink fizzy drinks.
There are plenty of things you can do if you don't want to put weight on, I assume that the guy can do the same.
oh, and i go to the swimmingpool during the weekend, which is also something that everybody can do, IF they really want.

LegacyUser

My bf was "joking" about me being fat for a while. I put on weight (5'9" 10stone 5) and was unhappy myself with it. Now I've lost a bit (9stone 8") and I'm still unhappy with my weight, more than Ive ever been in my life. Tread carefully OP if you broach this. It really hurts

mood

amishallow wrote: »

We've being going out a few months but lately Ive noticed my partner is putting on weight and its becoming a turn off as Im becoming less physically attracted to him. He works in a very sedentary job and I don't think he eats very well when he's not with me - I eat mainly fish, veg etc but I know he'll eat anything when he's hungry. Ive suggested we go for walks and I always cook really healthy but the last time we were "getting it on" and taking off our clothes, all I could look at was his beer belly. I know this might sound shallow but I can't have sex with someone when I'm beginning to get less physically attracted to him.
He always says things like he can't beleive someone as pretty as me is going out with him (Im good looking but no supermodel!) but I think he's feeling that as we're in a very secure relationship and Im committed to him, he can let himself go. Guys, how should I approach this? I do not want to crush him or come across as a naggy girlfriend.

I would hardly consider a relationship of a few months a 'very secure relationship' especially the way you are talking. If you can't have sex with someone who puts on a little weight what are you going to do if you are in a long term relationship? People age and put on/loose weight. So will you.

Stheno

unregistered wrote: »

My bf was "joking" about me being fat for a while. I put on weight (5'9" 10stone 5) and was unhappy myself with it. Now I've lost a bit (9stone 8") and I'm still unhappy with my weight, more than Ive ever been in my life. Tread carefully OP if you broach this. It really hurts

You arec very thin according to the BMI scales, I'm 5 foot eight and 9 stone 10 and still pretty slim. I've been as light as eight stone nothing, and looked skeletal.

OP if it bothers you that much then finish it, my bf of a year has put on two stone, has a bit of a gut now compared to then, but he's still him to me and I'm very happy with him.

I do think it depends on the stage of your relationship, early on it can make a difference imo.

Sleepy

nouggatti, you can't give advise to someone based on BMI. BMI is a statistical tool which is absolutely irrelevant in individual cases.

magneticimpulse

minidazzler wrote: »

TBH there are a few ways you can handle this.

Christmas is coming up, get him a Gym Membership, It's a fairly strong hint TBH.

If he doesn't get the hint. Then talk to him.

I don't suggest talking to him first as it will be embarrassing for both of ye!! The Gym membership should give him the idea!!

You are under NO obligation to find him attractive if he turns into an unfit fatty it's not what you started with. If he is not willing to get in shape to please you and at the same time get himself healthy, then think about having THE talk with him.

He can only get bigger in fairness if he doesn't change his habits!

thats a nasty christmas present!! ive joked about that with my ex as i wanted to join a gym and he did mention i was letting myself go. i was and i knew it, but really the down in the relationship meant i was letting myself go. he just didnt motivate me (i used to go to the gym everyday, cycle 200 km at the weekends, jog 10 km about twice a week before i met him). he was so negative about that i let a jog go here and there that it just all went. im only starting to think about getting back into my sporty self. maybe theres a reason why he letting himself go?

ski trip would be better then gym membership. then you can hint that they need to go to the gym to be fit for the ski trip. plus its sport in a fun way

lazygal

It sounds like the relationship is fairly new and at that stage attraction is still very important. We don't have to be supermodels, but I think if you don't look after yourself, you're letting yourself down. I know I can let myself go a bit but I will always make an effort when I'm out with my partner, be it a date or a night in. If I feel good, I am happier and I know he takes care of himself. Its an attractive quality for someone to take the time to look after themselves. My guy is a big bloke, but he makes sure he eats right, takes exercise and has his work suits and shirt tailor made, so I know he has some standards. Nothing is less attractive to me than a "can't be bothered" outlook. If he can't be bothered at the early stage, I don't think thats a good sign and I don't think the OP is shallow for expecting a certain level of effort in terms of personal experiance.

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

My bf was "joking" about me being fat for a while. I put on weight (5'9" 10stone 5) and was unhappy myself with it. Now I've lost a bit (9stone 8") and I'm still unhappy with my weight, more than Ive ever been in my life. Tread carefully OP if you broach this. It really hurts

You were never fat, even at your highest weight you were well within the healthy BMI range for your height - probably around 23 at your heaviest? This is something which should be emphasised here - as long as somebody is a healthy BMI (between 18 & 25) they are not technically overweight or fat. Maybe you should find another relationship? Take up a sport to help manage your weight and you might meet somebody else into the bargain.