Just... Lost

LegacyUser

I really don't know where to start... I moved to England to go to university this year. I always wanted to return to England as I left at an awkward age and it just always seemed obvious that I would move back. Only I lost contact with all my friends here a while back. This didn't seem to be a factor to me, I had my mind set on moving back and the fact that I could get a course I wanted without studying added to this (like f*** I was going to work for 515+ points).

Now I've never been the best at making friends, I'm quite shy and quiet, however the friends I did make we were all very close. Over a 5 year period in Ireland, I made quite a lot of close friends aswell as a girlfriend, all of which I left behind in September. I'm still in contact with my mates back (to where I finally recognise as) home, and as my Birthday and Christmas are coming up, there're quite big plans for a great welcome. My girlfriend and I are still together (Well... I think so, but am not sure since a fight on msn 5 minutes ago) however are really feeling the strains of a long-distance relationship.

I've been here for about 3 months. I've made almost no friends. I used to get along with my housemates but not really anymore. I walk to uni and attend lectures with a girl who lives near me but I don't see her outside uni hours. I don't go out at all really. I'll go to the gym alone every two days, wander through the city alone. I used to ask to use my housemate's computers but now I avoid contact with them since I fell out with them and made the trek to uni when I need to use one. I'm not a very out-going person but there's quite a lot of people out there who regard me as their best-friend.

When I left I was pleased. Things were complicated. I needed to get away. Now I'd give anything to be back. However, I don't think it's a possibility to simply transfer to an Irish university and dropping out is an impossibility. My parents have invested a lot in me and I can't do that. My brother and sisters would ridicule me. Even though I have no Social life and I miss my friends back home so much. They were devastated when I left, especially my girlfriend. However now, whenever we talk one of us inevitably manages to piss the other right off. It's got to the point where on the one hand I really want to spend a lot on her xmas present, yet I don't know if our relationship is going to survive the current tension.

Now I'm questioning my decision for the course I'm on.. I always knew I was capable of getting into and doing well in most of the higher end courses so it seemed inevitable that I would do one (until I realised I could get it for hardly anything and just stopped working). I never did well in school because I never had any interest in the majority of subjects. However, I am aware of my own intelligence and I'm always being reminded of differences between aptitude and IQ tests and actual academic achievement. I told myself that in uni i'd be doing a subject that I was very interested in so I'd do well. Well now that I'm doing it, I've realised that it's incredibly tedious. I wonder would I have been happier doing Art which, in my case, would've been a subject that I wouldn't have had to have worked at all to get into and of which I've always loved and shown an interest.

I'm actually ****ing miserable. I've moved from having a very active social life to being confined to my room (with no TV and my hifi is broken may I add..). I'm just lost. I don't know what to do. Last night, I was the closest to tears I've been in about 4 or 5 years.

fintan

College can be lonley, so it is up to you to do something about it, have you tried joining any sports or social clubs on campus? They are a great way to meet new people and have something to do in the evening. Try and strike up conversations with whoever you sit beside in class.

Long distance relationships can be extremly difficult, but you are in uni now, also dont under estimate the effect on english girls of an irish accent

Bri

Again, try join a sports club (A new sport might be even better as there'll be alot more beginners and established sports like soccer and rugby involve alot of clique culture)

Also try a society too - debating, etc. Even just listening in for a while. Filmsoc might be good.

I've been through the long distance woes - if your struggling now remember emotions might feel strong now but over a relatively short amount of time things can change. Remember to make a even bigger effort than usual not to lose your temper and be more reasonable (hard!) - also before or after christmas arrange a trip over for her and/or your mates. Meet 'em at the ferry even if your miles away and have a weekend in another city or something. This kinda thing requires a lot of positive action on your part.

Good luck!

chump

come on home... you've only been there 3 months... take the rest of the year out and work to get some of the money back your parents spent on you...
fill in the cao here in ireland and do some course starting over next september... no point living to be miserable, we all make mistakes...

don't mind the abuse you get, it'll be forgotten in ... a few years!

gud luck

the_syco

I know the feeling. Being alone sucks.
Was like that in the first while in Carlow. But I went to the computer society there, and the last few years there was great, cos I got to know a good few people there.
So join a club or society. There's something for everyone. You talk about wanting a challange; join the Debating society. The film society is good for the laugh (films, etc), and then maybe a few ot the sports clubs may be of intrest to you.

The rut your in; alot of people go though it. You may be in England, but its no different than alot of people I know. Some were from Donegal or Cork, and only went home once in a blue moon. You meet friends by doing stuff you like, hence clubs & soc's.

The 1st few months are always the hardest, but no worries. Once you join a society or two, you'll love it there, and regret having to go back home for christmas.

LegacyUser

I have no idea what societies exist and where to find them. I used to be handy enough at soccer until I screwed my knee, now I don't think I have the skills anymore and it hurts to run. I always have a fear of turning up at these things alone. I usually just stand around on my own, I've never been able to strike up conversations with strangers. The English seem a lot less friendly than the Irish for the most part.. And as for my accent, fintan, it's not Irish... (How I didn't pick one up in 5 years in Cark is anyone's guess).

the_syco

Stress wrote:

I usually just stand around on my own, I've never been able to strike up conversations with strangers.

Having been in the same boat, ask the SU about the computer soc, turn up @ the venue, sit @ a PC, anybody asks you why your there, say your intreseted in the soc.
Now, here come the lovely bit.
Since they ask you, they have started the conversation. Then ye join, and after a game or two, you'll be talked to.

LegacyUser

*heart just sinks a little lower*

Just checked the SU website and there is absolutely nothing of remote interest to me...

the_syco

stress wrote:

*heart just sinks a little lower*

Just checked the SU website and there is absolutely nothing of remote interest to me...

Your SU has a website? No way! Carlow's SU website was sometimes a month or so off.
I mean, just walk in there.
Skip a lecture, and do it, so it'll be empty (easier to ask when there's less people there), and ask one of the people there.
They'll have dealth with lots of first years who are trying to find their feet. Also, as an added bonus, they'll be able to tell you if you need anything (runners for footie, etc) for the socs, and give advice on how to settle in. Remember; its their job to try to get students to enjoy college life, and most of the time, they're voted into their positions for being able to do a good job
[edit]
And if there's nothing of intrest, no worries. Ask them is there any number amount of people interested in X club/soc. Sometimes there's not enough people for the club/soc. Finally ask was there an X club/soc. Sometimes, a 3rd or 4th year student may have knowledge of a past one, and hav gone to the X club/soc.

X club/soc = the club/soc that you want to join
[/edit]

TCamen

I started doing my MA in Coleraine late September this year. Since January it's the only course I've wanted, and I really thought "It doesn't matter if the place is the back end of nowhere as long as I get a place".
Well after a few months on the course, I've been back home in Dublin nearly every w/e. I've never lived in student residence before in my life, and I really don't like it. The uni doesn't have that much in the way of societies to join either, so basically it's easier to bear the journey back home every w/e just to be around friends & family, and most importantly-- get proper sleep away from the noise of student residences!
The couple of w/e's I've managed to stay up there are very very boring-- didn't leave my room for days except to go as far as the kitchen, which is a whole 2 feet away from my room. Otherwise I was just watching TV or DVDs in my room, or sleeping.I can totally understand how lost you must be feeling after all this time and not getting home even once-- I know I'd be as bad if not worse if I was stuck up @ uni all the time.
Bottom line though, I really like my course, and I'm really glad I got a place on it. As much as I hate the place itself, I'll bear it because I'm committed to the course, and it's all I want to do.

More than the loneliness, I can definitely relate to making a poor decision course-wise (if indeed, you think you have made a mistake taking the course).
When I did my Leaving Cert in 1999, I didn't get my first choice course, and took my 2nd-- never really had much interest in the course (Arts UCD), but lots of people I knew from school were going there, so it didn't really bother me. I just about got through 1st year and then, when 2nd year started and everyone else started to get serious about studying and exams, I realised how much I didn't like the actual subject matter and how unhappy I really was with it all.
I dropped out just after starting 2nd year in October 2000. I didn't tell my parents until I had officially dropped out & gotten myself a job. I worked for the rest of the year, reapplied on the CAO & got a course I really wanted and went back to fulltime education in September 2001.
Now, initially things @ home were pretty rough because I hadn't consulted my parents before dropping out, but eventually they came around-- mostly because they could see I really hadn't been happy in my first course, and that I fully intended to go back to college again the following year.
I got through my preferred course, and now, once I finish my MA next year, I'll be exactly where I want to be career-wise. If I'd stayed on my original chosen course, I honestly don't know what the hell I'd be doing right now.

I hope that you can set aside the loneliness of the situation - the location and lack of friends/social life - and think about the course, and whether you truly want to do it or not. I don't mean to sound like I think you've made a mistake, but if you're really that unhappy with the course, you can't continue with it if it'll only make you more and more miserable. I don't regret my decision to walk away from something I knew my heart wasn't in, regardless of all the trouble it caused at home at the time. Ultimately, this is about you, and what the best thing for you is.

ClareBear

TCamen wrote:

I hope that you can set aside the loneliness of the situation - the location and lack of friends/social life - and think about the course, and whether you truly want to do it or not. I don't mean to sound like I think you've made a mistake, but if you're really that unhappy with the course, you can't continue with it if it'll only make you more and more miserable. I don't regret my decision to walk away from something I knew my heart wasn't in, regardless of all the trouble it caused at home at the time. Ultimately, this is about you, and what the best thing for you is.

Couldn't have said it better myself....

Best of luck whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Well here's the thing. I did a very poor leaving cert. I'm not sure what I want to do. I have 3 older siblings who all got seconds in their chosen field and I'm supposedly the brightest. I'm always treated as the baby of the family, the Mummy's boy. People were speculating how I wouldn't survive away from home, how uni life would be too much for someone as lazy as me. It would be humiliating for me to drop out and move back.

I've never really had the close relationship with my parents the way I know some people have. I'm not sure if I can talk to them about this. They paid 5grand for my schooling last year with which I came out with 325 points- no offence to anyone, but I felt I did very poorly. I don't know what I can do with that. Ideally I'd want to go for either an English lit course or Art/Graphic Design. I mean it's an idea that I could take the year out, do a portfolio course and apply but then again the above paragraph applies... As far as Psychology goes, I feel that my current knowledge of it is fine. It's not interesting me as much as I thought it would

The last point comes back to my girlfriend. It has come as news to me that she has a few serious emotional problems. I don't know if she was manipulating me (we were fighting at the time). All I know is that I just want to be with her. I can't be this far from someone whom I care for a great deal when they have such self destructive feelings.

Superman

Personally I thought college would be alot more inclusive and a good place to get to know people, but it is defo alot harder than its made out to be, I can say I made a few mates but overall it has been a bit disapointing on the friends front but I guess thats life!

LegacyUser

What would you do?

chump

just bite the bullet and come home for christ sake...

it sounds to me like you don't wanna be there but the only reason you are is because you don't want to take a ribbing from your family/friends, you're too chicken to tell your parents and you feel guilty for your under achieving in life

i know too many people who ended up dropping out of 4year courses at the end of second year. do it now and save yourself even more grief in the future...

WhiteWashMan

im kinda at a loss as to what the actual problem is.

is it the girlfriend?
is it the course?
is it that you are lonely?
is it your parents?
is it your leaving cert.

i see many complaints, but i am unsure what the issue is.

to be honest, it sounds to me like you are a little over sensitive, and that you dwell on all the negative things in your life, and that tends to be compounded by your current situation, just making it worse. you could be given worse advice than get of your arse and go and meet people, but to be honest, i think you just have to figure out what the real issues is rather than wallowing in a whole heap of problems that you can neither effect or change.
issues with girlfriends and parents and leaving certs are done and dusted. let them lie. get on with your course, get out and meet people. they wont bang on your door you know, you actually have to step out to meet people. im sure at the moment you cant see the wood for the trees, but dude, you gotta turn your own life around. you wouldnt believe the amount of people that get depressed in university when they go move away from home. its incredibly common, so your no different that millions of other people.
if tis really that bad and you want to move home, then at least think about what you are going to do when you get home. i think the advice given to just come home is a little bit premature, becuase lets face it, are you going to start sitting around your parents house doing nothing, with not even university to go to now?

why dont you write down all the pros and cons of your situation, and especially all the cons in your life that you are thinking of, that dont nessecarily have anything to do with your situation?

Sleepy

Stress wrote:

I'm always treated as the baby of the family, the Mummy's boy.

Well, this is your chance to either prove them right (and admit you're a Mummy's boy) or your opportunity to strike out and be your own man. Being an adult involves being able to shrug off your past failings while learning from them. Honestly, you just sound like a whiny Mummy's boy. Fair enough, that's the way you've been brought up, but if you're in college you should be old enough to recognise these traits in yourself and grow out of them.

BuffyBot

I have to agree with WWMan - as he said "you gotta turn your own life around.".

It seems to me you're stuck in your past and can't/won't move on. You have to start forcing yourself to look forward and not backwards.

TCP/IP

listen mate my mum paid out about £4000 in fees for my first year in private college and i hated it and the pricks that were in it, so i came home one day and said i am not happy and i am leaving went and did a fas course in computers and from day one i felt that i just fit in and from then on live has been great, my point dont just sit there and be sad get off your arse and do something about it and make yourself happy nobody will do it for you.

Whatever you do dont sit in your room alone that is not healthy get out there and intereact with the human race

LegacyUser

I've decided that I want to drop out and move back. I've thought a lot about what I'll do and I want to work whilst doing a portfolio course, then apply for Graphic Design somewhere next year. My only problem at this stage is my parents and whether they'll support me. WWM, the issue was what to do about my situation. I never came here saying that I thought I had a unique problem, I just didn't know what to do. This seems like a big thing for me, huge even. I think I may be kicked off my course anyway as I failed to hand in any of my coursework this week. I just really couldn't be f**ked.

the_syco

Stress wrote:

The last point comes back to my girlfriend. It has come as news to me that she has a few serious emotional problems. I don't know if she was manipulating me (we were fighting at the time). All I know is that I just want to be with her. I can't be this far from someone whom I care for a great deal when they have such self destructive feelings.

Tell the bitch to **** off! Your having trouble as it is, without more sh|t. If she can't let you be happy, get rid of her.
Also, once she's gone, you can get intrested in some local talent

As for dropping out & the parents; email some of the local colleges (by local, I mean near your home in Ireland), about some courses which you'd like to apply to. Get a CAO form, & fill it out, etc. Then, if you do decide on coming home, you can show your parents that you have a plan, and your not just giving up hope. As for those who think your a "mummy's boy", tell them to f*ck off.

Which is more important; the respect of those who don't think highly of you, or the rest of your life? The latter should be the most important.

And if you do come home, get a job. Then the parents won't give-out to you too much. Even opt to pay them back some of the money, etc.

bellx

Had a similar situation myself, dropped out, and spent most of last summer in my house being depressed, watching dvd's, sleeping odd hours etc.I was pissed off at anything and everything. I had little to no contact with anyone and was obsessed with certain aspects of my appearance.
This year i'm doing a course which i never has any intention of liking but I do, I really like it. I'm now playing soccer every week, and have started up a pretty damn good band and my social life is quite good too. My point being that you just have to stick certain things out or make a completely clean break and start again, which is what I did. You need to make that choice. You keep going on about how smart everyone says you are, but have you really ever proved it? Its easy to go around saying how smart you are but most subjects bore you and you just couldn't be bothered. The thing is that won't hold anymore buddy, you're what 19 maybe 20?? You got to get up off your ass and take a look at yourself because before you know it you're not going to that young anymore and it will be even harder. This, my friend, is your chance. If your parents care about you enough, and you are determined enough, they will give you the money. Try getting a job for the rest of the year and paying them some of it first? Irish children and Irish parents are notoriously distant, you're not alone there! But they love you and you love them and we get on with things, stop obsessing over these things,your youth is way too short for it.