Sometime I just wanna explode!

LegacyUser

Hi. Long time poster, gonna go unreg for this one. I'm a little worried about myself. I've always had a fiery temper. It's something I inherited from my da, and was exasperated by a pretty miserable school-life that left me fending off bullies on an almost daily basis. But I left school, got on with life, and eventually went into therapy to deal with my issues and sort things out.

And things did change. A great deal. Many people noticed the change in me. People who before didn't want to associate with me mentioned the change and became friends with me. I became more open and accepting, and I was delighted with the change in myself. I felt that I could finish therapy, and left a happier, better person in myself. And my therapist was happy to let me go.

Yet sometimes, I still feel the anger build up in me and I want to lash out. I have never lashed out at anyone physically, or abused someone verbally. But sometimes, I might shoot someone a dagger-look or curse to myself when I feel the urge. Most of the times that it happens, it is a self-defense measure. It's irrational, and I know it. I wish I could control it better and just relax more, but sometimes it just gets the better of me.

I know I will never physically hurt someone. I've been in one fight in my 30 years on this planet, and then, I was genuinelly provoked into it. The moment after the anger plateaus, it immediately subsides. And at those moments, I just feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself that I let the anger build up for that short time.
I guess what I'm asking is, am I a bad person for letting my emotions in those moments get the better of me? I really dislike when I do, and I just wish it didn't happen.

Oryx

Op, why do you get angry? Whats the trigger? Im just wondering if its a situation where you bottle something that could actually be voiced?

If you feel it, you will have to let it out somewhere, maybe in a safe way. Any supressed emotion will find its way out somehow.

LegacyUser

As irrational as it sounds, it usually stems from competition or confrontation. If I lose at sports or something similar, or if a friend mocks me, I find myself angry at myself, and paranoid that the other person (9/10 a close friend) will judge me as weak or inaffective. And I know that's ridiculous. A rational person doesn't think like that! But sometimes it just engulfs me and for a short time, I'm peeved at myself and the other person. And then it goes away. Insane, isn't it?!

Oryx

HulkOut wrote: »

As irrational as it sounds, it usually stems from competition or confrontation. If I lose at sports or something similar, or if a friend mocks me, I find myself angry at myself, and paranoid that the other person (9/10 a close friend) will judge me as weak or inaffective. And I know that's ridiculous. A rational person doesn't think like that! But sometimes it just engulfs me and for a short time, I'm peeved at myself and the other person. And then it goes away. Insane, isn't it?!

Part of the way out of this is recognising whats happening, which you do. So someone is unknowingly hitting a trigger within you, something you dislike or fear within yourself (weakness, ineffectiveness). There will always be someone better than you, you need to reconcile with how you are, youll never be that perfect, unreachable person. Maybe self acceptance is key, which sounds easy in theory but never is.

LegacyUser

I do realise it's not what the other person has done, but it's something inside me. I would never blame others for my insecurities or problems. I just would hate to end up being one of those grumpy, beligerent old coots. And I don't want to slip into the habits I had 5 years ago before I went into counselling.

Cinnomen

I am just the same as you, from reading your post It was almost as if I had written it myself.
I suffer badly from anger and by gosh its awful, Its like a switch that goes off and I cant stop, I had anger management but I didnt feel it helped, I was told techniques to stop myself before I go off into a rage but I could never do it, as I was getting angry there was never a stage where I thought..right Chelle now stop this and be calm...there was never time it is always like WHAM and im off in a rant.

I have yelled, I have screamed, I have crashed about and hit out, It came to the stage where my fiance who is the most amazing man in the world actually broke down and cried because he hated seeing me like that.
That was crunch time, but not only had I had the anger in the day I had started having night tremors as I called them screaming out in my sleep and having panic attacks, I saw a new doctor I wasnt happy with my old one I wasnt getting anywhere, im now on a new medication its called Sertraline, and so far so good (not a nightmare or rant in over a week *TOUCH WOOD!*), but its not only the medication it helps but it only masks the problem, Im set up to see a psychologist in a few weeks too.

I know you have had help seeing a therapist but have you ever discovered where this really comes from? Sometimes it can be a imbalance of something within our brains not our fault its just something isnt connecting when it should (I know what I mean lol) the tablets I think help with this. But sometimes theres something there and we need to find the root of the problem though it can seem darn hard to work out what it is.

Dont be ashamed, seek help, I too grew up with a aggressive parent maybe thats where I learned it from but it isnt easy, theres the guilt afterwards it puts you on such a low and you get so depressed and its awful.

See your doctor again if you can, PLEASE do not think you are a bad person your not you are just unwell, we cannot help it but with time we will get through it, feel free to message me anytime and I wish you lots of luck xxx