Having trouble keeping up long-distance relationship

LegacyUser

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two and a half years. In October I moved to London to do a Masters course, and he is still in Dublin as that is where his job is. I didn't want to make him move to London just to be with me; in the same way, he didn't want me to stay in Ireland just for him, as doing this course is an amazing opportunity for me and I really really wanted to do it. I thought it would be ok, I have done long-distance before as I went out with a guy from Kerry for over three years.

Anyway, I'm finding it a lot more difficult than I expected. While I did long-distance before, I talked to that boyfriend on the phone every day and we tried to see each other as much as possible. However, my current boyfriend is being quite as communicative. He never texts me unless I have texted him, and doesn't actually respond to all of my texts. If I am lucky I will get one text in the evening saying something like "Hope you had a good day, goodnight". There have been times when he has gone four or five days without contacting me at all. We both have skype, and sometimes we talk on that, but it can be difficult to find a time that suits him. We talk on skype maybe every week to ten days. I should see him over Christmas when I am back in Dublin, but I can't get back before then and he says he can't visit me before then either.

I am finding that I am more and more unhappy with the lack of contact. I'm not homesick exactly, I really like being over here in London and my course is great, but I really miss my boyfriend. I have tried telling him that I would like to talk a bit more, but I am starting to feel like some sort of deranged harpy when I end up saying things like "Why haven't you texted me back?". I don't like being a nag, I just don't think he understands how much I'm missing him. He says he misses me as well, but doesn't really have much to say because there's not much happening. We get on really well most of the time when we're together, he makes me really happy, we even spent a month on holiday together this summer and it was fantastic.

He isn't the most talkative of people, which is fine when we're together, but I'm finding this separation really difficult. I don't know what's going on with his life these days, and he doesn't really know what's going on in mine. I feel as if we are drifting apart, and I am the only one trying to do anything to stop it. What can I do to persuade him to keep more in contact without nagging?

Monkey61

First to give him the benefit of the doubt - Some people just aren't mad into texting. I know it might sound a bit silly, but if my girlfriend moved away for a year, I probably wouldn't want to be texting her everyday either. It would seem boring and repetitive, especially if there wasn't any major news going on.

On the other hand though, if my girlfriend moved away for the year, I would probably go with her. Unless I had some major ties that I couldn't sever - very important job etc. I find it a bit odd that he has so little time to talk to you on the phone as well. How can anyone be that busy? How often did you guys see eachother before you moved? Presumably more than once every week to ten days?

I don't think you can make him contact you more if he doesn't want to. It sounds a bit like he is content to potter along in the relationship without really putting himself out and some people are just like that and there is little you can do to make them change.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I am in the same situation as you are. I am also in London while my bf still lives in Dublin. We are in the LDR for 2 years already and it doesn't get easier. I am very much the same as you. I would like to hear from my bf once a day. He never just texts me out of the blue, I always have to text firth and often he doesn't text me back, sometimes I don't hear from him for 3 days. We talk on the phone/msn/Skype 2-3 times a week. At times I am very down about this and I feel like he doesn't care about me or he is just not that into me, etc. But with time I realized that he is just not the kind of guy who is into texts. I still have trouble with that at times and I tell him how I feel. He feels bad about that, I know he cares about me a lot. He loves me. He just isn't the kind of guy who texts just for no reason, what I mean is he needs to have some news which he could tell me otherwise he would feel weird. I am on the other side would text him telling him pointless things (really pointless things like a fly was bugging me for the last 3 hours, or so ) I guess thats just a girls thing! Girls talk all the time about lots of things.

What I think is a red flag in your post is "I don't know what's going on with his life these days, and he doesn't really know what's going on in mine".
That is something which I can't understand. What are you talking about when you are having a chat on the phone? Are you just having a go at each other? I am really interested in my bf's life and vise versa, so when we do chat we actually talk about everything which is pretty important.

Have you told your bf that you feel like you are drifting apart? I think you really have to talk with him about that. Tell him how you feel! Maybe sugest to agree on two or three days a week on which you will talk on the phone or via skype.

Hope I could help you a bit!

Monkey61

Monkey61 wrote: »

First to give him the benefit of the doubt - Some people just aren't mad into texting. I know it might sound a bit silly, but if my girlfriend moved away for a year, I probably wouldn't want to be texting her everyday either. It would seem boring and repetitive, especially if there wasn't any major news going on.

But Jaysus, it's long distance. I can understand not being into texting if you're seeing each other every day, but when it's all you have, texting a few times a day is the least you can do. It's just a way of feeling like you're in touch with the person and that they're there for you throughout the day. I can't text my boyfriend from my phone (he's in Asia and phone isn't compatible) but recently discovered that Skype texts work and it makes a big difference to be able to send him a little message any time rather than relying on email, which he can't check when he's out. I don't care if the messages are 'pointless', they are very important to me because I know he's thinking about me. Being able to send a goodnight text before bed is one of the only ways to make this relationship feel 'normal'. I'd hate it if he didn't bother replying.