Why am i acting like this?

LegacyUser

Hi....

God even writing this i know the answers im gonna get!

Me and my bf of 3 years split 4 months ago. Basically i am abroad and a lad tried to kiss me and i pulled away but my bf found out and because i didnt tell him he thought i kissed this guy back, or did worse... and if it was nothing why not tell him etc.

So it went from breaking up and seeing how we got on when i come back, to me pestering him and now its a case of the break up is permanent we can never regain the trust etc.

So i have relly been struggling but i've been getting there.

But he kissed someone else the weekend. I know, a kiss is only a kiss right? And its right! But im devastated!!!! I have kissed someone since too so like i have absolutly no right to think like this, we are single and what ever will happen when i come back will happen then, if not then it wont but i cant help fretting that he;s gonna hook up with her and be in a relationship / scoring her for a while or whatever (he's a serial dater but he took our breakup so badly he vowed singledom for the forseeable future!)

I know the answers, i know i shouldnt contact him, i know i shouldnt pine and enjoy my time away, i know this girl has nothing to do with me, i know its only a kiss, i know if its more than a kiss it STILL has nothing to do with me.

But im absolutly heartbroken...........

Someone please give me the kick in the face i need...!

Wurly

You don't need any more kicks to the face - you're giving enough of them to yourself.

Yep - being far too hard on yourself here. You were dumped because your boyfriend accuses you of cheating. Even though you told him you didn't. That's his problem - not yours.

You are a free agent so you can now kiss who you like. You have been branded a cheat for something you didn't do, so kissing someone now is bound to make you feel crappy. It's like you're proving your ex right or something. At least in your own head. But you're free to do what you like.

Also - it's always a bit weird kissing someone else when you've broken up with someone. It DOES feel like cheating at the start. You're just so used to being with them. Again, all very normal.

So your ex kissed someone else.. He still sounds angry over the thing that didn't happen. So he's out kissing girls. He may feel differently when he calms down and sees the wood for the trees.

I know it's upsetting.. But look, things get easier with time. Create some distance between you. Try not to put yourself in the situation where you have to hear all about his conquests. Nothing can be gained from knowing them. Ever.

So what's left to dissect? Nothing really. The first step would be to stop taking all the responsibility here. Your ex has very cleverly masked the fact that he has trust issues by laying all the blame at your feet for something you didn't do.

If you do decide to get back with him down the line, well, his issues need to be addressed.

Best of luck.

Terodil

Trí wrote: »

You were dumped because your boyfriend accuses you of cheating. Even though you told him you didn't. That's his problem - not yours.

Not quite. She lied by omission and he found out via a third party. That was very hurtful to him, probably far more so than the (failed?) kiss.

I would be pretty pissed by that too. So if the two get back together they will both have to work on their issues. The OP on truthfulness and communication, and her (ex?)bf on his listening skills and trust.

For the time being, though...

Trí wrote: »

You are a free agent so you can now kiss who you like. [...] Also - it's always a bit weird kissing someone else when you've broken up with someone. It DOES feel like cheating at the start. You're just so used to being with them. Again, all very normal.

is good advice.

Moomoo1

Terodil wrote: »

Not quite. She lied by omission and he found out via a third party. That was very hurtful to him, probably far more so than the (failed?) kiss.

I would be pretty pissed by that too. So if the two get back together they will both have to work on their issues. The OP on truthfulness and communication, and her (ex?)bf on his listening skills and trust.

I wouldn't be so sure that the kiss was even relevant. I think the ex wanted out and used this as an excuse. The pattern of what he said would conform to that.

Chinafoot

Terodil wrote: »

Not quite. She lied by omission and he found out via a third party. That was very hurtful to him, probably far more so than the (failed?) kiss.

I would be pretty pissed by that too. So if the two get back together they will both have to work on their issues. The OP on truthfulness and communication, and her (ex?)bf on his listening skills and trust.

I'm sorry but that is ridiculous. There is no need to tell your other half everytime some fella in a pub/club tried to make a move on you. I've had it done to me while I've been in a relationship and I haven't felt the urge to come home and say "Oh my god this fella tried to kiss me!". Nothing is going to happen because we're in a relationship and trust each other. Not telling him about it doesn't make her untruthful and it certainly shouldn't give him any reason not to trust her. She did nothing wrong, it wasn't even worth mentioning.

Anyone who needs to know every movement of their other half (and those he/she encounters) on a night out needs to get a bloody grip.

OP: its a horrible situation but you need to stop beating yourself up and let yourself move on. Its always hard when a relationship ends and you find out about your ex being with someone else. It feels strange and it hurts. But like Trí said, you have done nothing wrong. You didn't cheat on him and you know thats the truth. Your ex clearly has major trust issues that you shouldn't have to deal with.

Chin up!

LegacyUser

see, i suppose where the probelm lies is that in our first few months together i did kiss someone else, but told him straight away and with work and effort we sorted it out and i suppose thats where this stems from....

knowing this you probably all think im horrible. but im heartbroken. i absoluetly adore him. ok we had our problems like every other couple do but i just adore him.

im home in 4 months and i keep thinking what ill be will be but like, wil it? im wasting my time even putting it in my head aint i??

Terodil

Chinafoot wrote: »

I'm sorry but that is ridiculous.

You're welcome to take this somewhere else.

Chinafoot wrote: »

There is no need to tell your other half everytime some fella in a pub/club tried to make a move on you.

Of course there is a need, especially if -- as we now know -- there has been a historical precedent! It should not be a desire to be controlled, it should be a desire to communicate and share events in one's life, especially if they relate to the partnership. In a relationship there is TRUST, as you say yourself, but trust can be hurt/degenerate very easily through lack of maintenance. Silence about such stuff is negligent.

The OP could have saved the situation if she had told her partner what was going on and explained that the advances were uninvited and unrequited. In fact, I wonder why she didn't -- to me it would have been totally natural! I would have come home and gone 'OMG, do you have any idea what happened to me? there was this girl (in my case) who tried to kiss me! the cheek of her!' etc etc -- completely natural in my book!

But whatever I would have done, talking to her partner about it is not unreasonable at all, it's prudent.

Which is why this statement:

Chinafoot wrote: »

Anyone who needs to know every movement of their other half (and those he/she encounters) on a night out needs to get a bloody grip.

misses the point phenomenally.

I repeat: Both have issues. The OP is not blameless, neither is her partner. They need to work on them together if they want to make it fly.

Telling the OP that everything is perfect and she should not change anything is bad advice because clearly she should change something (again, as should he). Because if he has to hear from it again from a third party instead of seeing her use that chance (as his partner) to talk openly with him about it and to simply avoid the danger, he's going to break.

Shin Bet

did the other guy just walk up and try to kiss you?
I very much doubt it, did you send signals to him that you were interested or available.
these are very relevanant as your ex probably touht you were geting cosy in a corner talking to this guy all night.

Chinafoot

ophere wrote: »

see, i suppose where the probelm lies is that in our first few months together i did kiss someone else, but told him straight away and with work and effort we sorted it out and i suppose thats where this stems from....

knowing this you probably all think im horrible. but im heartbroken. i absoluetly adore him. ok we had our problems like every other couple do but i just adore him.

im home in 4 months and i keep thinking what ill be will be but like, wil it? im wasting my time even putting it in my head aint i??

OP, people make mistakes. You came clean when you made a mistake and you both made the decision to stay together. He clearly still has problems with trust and thats something he needs to sort out for himself. You shouldn't have to be punished for something you did a long time ago. Use the next few months to try and clear your head and take a step back from things. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Terodil wrote: »

You're welcome to take this somewhere else.

:rolleyes:

Terodil wrote: »

Of course there is a need, especially if -- as we now know -- there has been a historical precedent! It should not be a desire to be controlled, it should be a desire to communicate and share events in one's life, especially if they relate to the partnership. In a relationship there is TRUST, as you say yourself, but trust can be hurt/degenerate very easily through lack of maintenance. Silence about such stuff is negligent.

Again completely and utterly disagree. If some randomer tries it on with me when I'm on a night out it doesn't even register with me. The fella is poiltely turned down and I get on with my night. I don't need to tell my boyfriend that I rejected someone's advances. It's not relevant to my relationship. The only time this would differ is if the person trying it on is known to myself and/or my boyfriend. Then, yes I would tell them. A randomer? No need.

Terodil wrote: »

The OP could have saved the situation if she had told her partner what was going on and explained that the advances were uninvited and unrequited. In fact, I wonder why she didn't -- to me it would have been totally natural!

To you, fine. To plenty of others it wouldn't even register. By the sounds of things in this relationship, the OP's ex has his own issues based on something she did 3 years ago. She says they worked through it but it is clearly still an issue for him...thats not her problem. He made the decision to remain in the relationship and she hasn't done anything to him since. She shouldn't be punished for a mistake she made at the beginning of their relationship. So, no I don't agree that the OP could have saved the relationship as her ex clearly just doesn't trust her. He could have just as easily said "I don't believe you that nothing happened and you're only telling me about it to cover your arse."

Terodil wrote: »

I would have come home and gone 'OMG, do you have any idea what happened to me? there was this girl (in my case) who tried to kiss me! the cheek of her!' etc etc -- completely natural in my book!

Natural to you. I, and clearly the OP, don't feel the need to mention every drunken randomer that tries to lob the gob.

Terodil wrote: »

Which is why this statement:

misses the point phenomenally.

It's not missing any point thanks very much. The OPs ex doesn't trust her based on something she did at the beginning of their relationship. She made a mistake and came clean straight away and they agreed to work through it. He made the decision to stay with her. If he was still unable to trust her he should have ended things but she should not have to tell him about every male who chats her up, pinches her arse or tries to kiss her when shes on a night out, to expect otherwise seems very controlling and paranoid. She knocked him back and thats all that should matter.

But we can agree to disagree, Terodil. It's getting harder to hear you up on that high horse.

Terodil

Edit: Nevermind. Ok we clearly disagree here Chinafoot, if only by a degree -- you set the filter on a 'person known' threshold, I would set it lower. I don't know why you have been that aggressive from the start but I don't want to continue this. The point has been made: There are people that are more sensitive and there are people that are less sensitive to such things, and couples would be wise to find a compromise that is neither interpreted as controlling nor as dishonest.