feelings of guilt

LegacyUser

For as long as I can remember I have been struggling with feelings of severe low confidence and self-esteem and i contanstly am struggling with feelings of guilt. I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

My father left when I was just four (Im 21 now) leaving my mum to bring me up alone. I barely saw him over the years but have salvaged some sort of relationship with him recently, as he is now very ill with cancer.

I am very close to my mother as she is my only close family. She relies on me quite a lot for support and company. I feel like she relies on me like a spouse and makes me feel so guilty if i don't attend family gatherings or other occasions etc. When I wanted to move away for college she layed on the guilt trip ( "i'll be all on my own, no one will bother with me, what will i do in this big house all alone" etc) that i felt so bad for even contemplating it that I ended up choosing a college course closer to home.

I am now looking to move out of home with friends and again my mum has been laying on the guilt, thick and heavy. When she found out that I was spending time with my father she was absolutely livid with me. I can understand her anger and hurt but at the end of the day, i have a right to have contact with my father.
I have tried to explain this to my mum and explain that it doesnt take anything away from my relationship with her. She doesn't listen to a word I say and she tells me that I am ungrateful for all the things she has sacrificed for me over the years.

My friends tell me that i need to distance myself from her and concentrate on my own life. They think she is emotionally blackmailing and they see how i struggle with my feelings of guilt. But i find this so difficult as she is the one who brought me up by herself, worked very hard to give me a good life and sacrificed a lot for me.

She says things to me like "i hope you never get married and have children because then you'll never have time for me". When I discuss things like wanting to travel etc, she freaks out at me, saying that if I go away I will never want to come back.

I don't really know what to think or how to handle the situation anymore.I really don't know how to cope with the constant cycle of resentful and guilty feelings.

Any advice would be really welcomed.

Babooshka

Hiya

Your friends are right. Your Mam sacrificed so much for you, and done her best by you after your dad left. Why did she do all that do you mind me asking? So you'd be miserable for the rest of your life? Surely she did all of that so you'd be happy...It's a conundrum isn't it when Mammy's play martyrs..."I did all of this for you...look at my stigmata!".... I did all this for you so I could make you feel bad at the end of it...Mothers!!

You didn't ask your Mother to give birth to you and be miserable for you and sacrifice her life for you, she did it all by herself. I'm speaking from experience, it's going to hurt when you leave because it's going to feel like you're deliberately hurting her, and she'll probably stamp her feet and have a tantrum. Give it time and she'll calm down eventually, and if she doesn't...her choice. You're an adult now, not a lot she can do if you do go. I didn't have a decent relationship with my Mother until I left, and it took a year or two, but it was pretty much the same thing. You're not your Mother's care taker, she should have been yours.

If you have a place to go where you can feel safe and happy, I'd go.

EDIT: don't get me wrong I love my Mam to bits and love seeing her (mostly!) now, but it took her being on her own to realise that she had to treat me a bit more like a grown up and the balance of power was not always with her before we got there. Best of luck whatever you decide.... - B

tbh

"mam, I love you and I'm grateful to you for everything you've done for me. I'm always going to be here for you when you need me, but I'm also going to have my own life. You need to start making your own friends."