Trying to stay strong and away from ex

LegacyUser

Hi there

I posted here a while ago, basically wondering if going on a 'break' can really help to sort out problems in a relationship. Well, it looks like I got my answer.

We had had our problems in the past. Mainly, he had pretty much lost all interest in me physically. It seemed to come pretty much out of the blue, and had led to me having lots of doubts. We had gone on holiday to see if it would help, but it was like every instinct was telling me that he wasnt been honest with me. I dont have any proof that he did mess me around, but there was definitly a level of dishonesty that I just couldnt put up with.

I finally called a halt to the break we were on, and asked my boyfriend to meet me for a chat, that I was finding the break, too hard to take. He didnt even seem to understand why I would be finding things difficult.

Well, in my case, I realised that I wanted to do everything I could to make our relationship work which is why I didnt want to continue on the break.

In his case, the break was 'a relief' and it was great not to have to really think about anyone else.

So, I ended up talking things out with him, putting my cards on the table, all the while knowing he didnt love me anymore. To go to him, knowing that at the end of the conversation, things would never be the same again was so hard.

It was one of the most gutting things I have ever had to do - tell him that I loved him, that I wanted to make it work, but I was going to walk away because he didnt feel the same.

He didnt argue. He didnt disagree. He didnt try to stop me. He didnt try to reason with me that he did love me.
He just kept saying he couldnt believe that this was happening.

I walked away.

That was two weeks ago. And they have been two of the hardest weeks I have ever put down.

After three years it feels just so wrong to be away from him.

And thats why I am here. I am so close to cracking. So close to breaking down. Dangerously close to getting in touch with him.

Please tell me that it gets easier?

Miss Fluff

Two weeks is such good progress, you have demonstrated such strength by not contacting him. I can tell you hand on heart and I'm sure every boardsie will agree with me when it I tell you that it does indeed get easier. It's not going to happen overnight but it will get easier with time and day by day the pain will ease a little. Surround yourself with family and friends, keep yourself busy and don't give in to contacting him. It will only make you feel worse and very confused.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Two weeks is such good progress, you have demonstrated such strength by not contacting him. I can tell you hand on heart and I'm sure every boardsie will agree with me when it I tell you that it does indeed get easier. It's not going to happen overnight but it will get easier with time and day by day the pain will ease a little. Surround yourself with family and friends, keep yourself busy and don't give in to contacting him. It will only make you feel worse and very confused.

Thanks Miss Fluff. I'm keeping busy as much as possible. Contacting him would be a huge mistake. I don't even want to get back with him. Its more like I have so many whys? and whens? When did he realise he didnt love me anymore? Why didnt he just tell me? Why did he continue on acting like things were okay, but just getting more and more distant from me etc etc...Anyway - I won't feel any better if I had those answers so theres no point in asking really. (I just need to keep reminding myself)

Rantan

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Two weeks is such good progress, you have demonstrated such strength by not contacting him. I can tell you hand on heart and I'm sure every boardsie will agree with me when it I tell you that it does indeed get easier. It's not going to happen overnight but it will get easier with time and day by day the pain will ease a little. Surround yourself with family and friends, keep yourself busy and don't give in to contacting him. It will only make you feel worse and very confused.

not much can be added to this really, do you have that physical longing that actually hurts? its a terrible feeling, but you know what, so is giving up fags, its the same thing, you are going cold turkey now, in another week or two things will start to get better. Dont crack now!

opinion guy

How angry are you ?

LegacyUser

The two above posts are very spot on!

The only thing I can really add is when you're finding things really hard and you feel like you want to contact him just remember you deserve much more than what he was offering you. You deserve someone who loves you and wants you ( both physically and emotionally) and shows that. You deserve someone who doesnt ask you to go on a break, who doesnt just let you walk away. I cant stress this enough.

What you did, laying your cards out on the table, and knowing by doing so there was a huge chance you'd be walking away from him and that would be the end, was an incredibly difficult and brave thing to do.

You did it because you knew you had enough, and you know in your heart you deserve more - Dont lose sight of that now.

I know its a cliche but time is a great healer. And I know its very easy for anyone to say, but we've been through it. I've been through it, unfortunately more than once, and at the start is it hell but gradually, this eases. The main driving force in keeping me looking forward and not contacting is knowing I deserved more, and you know you do too.

Elba101

Well i'm going through something similiar myself. I'm on 4 weeks. Have my good days, my bad days and my really bad days. If you know that you will never get back together then don't contact him. You'll only undo all the progress you've made.

It's horrible, i know. And it can be so lonely because you've lost someone who at one point, you spend every waking moment with. I don't know if 'easier' is the right word. Acceptance seems to come first. Then you just learn to cope i suppose. Sounds a bit drastic but you did lose someone that you loved.

Stay strong and do what ever you can to not reach for the phone. You deserve someone who will love you. Don't settle for anything less!

jazzlewazzle

beepboop wrote: »

The two above posts are very spot on!

The only thing I can really add is when you're finding things really hard and you feel like you want to contact him just remember you deserve much more than what he was offering you. You deserve someone who loves you and wants you ( both physically and emotionally) and shows that. You deserve someone who doesnt ask you to go on a break, who doesnt just let you walk away. I cant stress this enough.

What you did, laying your cards out on the table, and knowing by doing so there was a huge chance you'd be walking away from him and that would be the end, was an incredibly difficult and brave thing to do.

You did it because you knew you had enough, and you know in your heart you deserve more - Dont lose sight of that now.

I know its a cliche but time is a great healer. And I know its very easy for anyone to say, but we've been through it. I've been through it, unfortunately more than once, and at the start is it hell but gradually, this eases. The main driving force in keeping me looking forward and not contacting is knowing I deserved more, and you know you do too.

First of all - heres to Boards - this is a great forum.
I could not have put all of the above better myself.
I was in this situation myself and did not handle is as well - we ended up being F buddies for a while.

Then a good friend told me I deserved better.
I said - your right - F that and moved on.
Just stopped contact.
Time is a healer.
Do all the stuff you love and be yourself and you will shine.
Fair play to you - you have been v courageous.. that is hard to achieve.
Keep it up!

advicewhore

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Two weeks is such good progress, you have demonstrated such strength by not contacting him. I can tell you hand on heart and I'm sure every boardsie will agree with me when it I tell you that it does indeed get easier. It's not going to happen overnight but it will get easier with time and day by day the pain will ease a little. Surround yourself with family and friends, keep yourself busy and don't give in to contacting him. It will only make you feel worse and very confused.

Seriously sums it up perfectly! it will get easier, the longer you are apart from him with no contact! its a hard time when you alone as you'll be asking all the questions in your head about why it happened and would it have turned out differently if you didnt confront him etc etc but HONESTLY the more and more you go without contact, you will become less reliant on the need to be with and also will become almost used to not having him in your life. things can only go up from here, so think positive you may not think it now but soon you will look back on this and be glad you made the decision that was right for YOU!

merlie

Hello Op,

I understand how you feel. It is really hard for you especially when someone else isn't on the same page as you. You have been with your boyfriend for a long time and sometimes we fall into or slip on the easy slippers and get comfortable and unbeknown to yourself he was either getting bored or meeting with someone else. The thing is don't speculate on what he did, just move on with your life and don't contact him.

I was in a relationship for 6 years and never thought my boyfriend would break up but we did and I thought too that I would never get over him even though we are still communicating, I have moved forward with my life. Yes it does get easier but you need to give yourself time to heal. Right now I completely understand 'the urge' you have to text your ex. But believe me when I say to you that it is better that you wait and see what happens, if he does text you then you still have communication but just keep moving on with your life, don't let him soak up your energies. If he doesn't text you, you do exactly the same thing, move on. Men can sometimes not know how to say things to a woman and can leave her dangling on and that is most likely why he was 'quiet' and didn't say or do anything, you said it all for him and if he had feelings for you then he would have done or said whatever to keep you with him.

Girl it is time to move on and make yourself happy again. I wish you the very best of luck. Look after yourself

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys. Youre all right. I know it...I just need to remember it! I'm generally a strong and positive person and I hate going over the same story again with my friends...They are great and really supportive.

Thats why I posted. Last night was one of those nights that I nearly gave in. I didnt. Its a new day and while I'm still at the stage that every morning, I wake up with that physically sick feeling in my stomach, I know it will get better.

To the poster that asked how angry am I, well, I'm not angry at all. I'm ridiculously sad that it hasnt worked out. And still a bit numb really. I don't really blame him for it not working out. I just wish he had said something sooner. Thats what hurts. He cant help it if he doesnt love me anymore. People fall into and out of love. It just happens.

Anyway - thanks again everyone. Being able to come here and just talk is such a release.

Cheers!

opinion guy

UpsideDownSmile wrote: »

To the poster that asked how angry am I, well, I'm not angry at all. I'm ridiculously sad that it hasnt worked out. And still a bit numb really. I don't really blame him for it not working out. I just wish he had said something sooner. Thats what hurts. He cant help it if he doesnt love me anymore. People fall into and out of love. It just happens.

hey OP.
Yup that was me that asked that. And there was a reason why I asked it and didn't say anything else and thats this - it seems to me like on some level you are angry, you are just not letting yourself feel it. To be honest I see this alot in posts like yours and I think that people block their anger for two reasons a) they don't want to be mad at someone they love so they bend over backwards to understand the other person's reasoning and b) the anger is sometimes too strong to express for fear of losing control. Blocking the anger is a coping mechanism. But it doesn't always serve I feel because that anger doesn't go anywhere and at some point becomes something held on to that makes the whole trauma harder to get over. the other thing is - eventually it comes out some way or another - either on other people or your next partner or whatever.

Thing is its normal to feel angry. Its part of the mourning process. Its a natural emotional reaction to rejection. Understanding etc is well and good but its very intellectual. But the anger can be a healthy thing (hmmm as long as it doens't take over and get out of hand). It can give us that little bit extra..... power I guess to pick ourselves up and move on. I mean you opened yourself up and were prepared to give everything. What was angst ridden time for you, you say was relief to him. I think you are angry (I would be). You said you feel numb - I think part of that is you blocking out the anger (amongst other things) as a form of protecting yourself.

Hmm you might find it informative to look up Kubler-Ross stages of bereavement (meant to describe the states people go through after a death of a loved one but I tihnk can be applied more widely than that)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model


So if you think I'm way off the mark then disregard what I'm saying. But if you think I'm on to something maybe try to find a (healthy) way to express the anger. Maybe beat up a dustbin, smash some cheap plates or perhaps more usefully, get a pen and paper, some tissues and sit down and take some time to write out how he has made you feel in a letter to him that you will never send.

Anyhow hope I'm being helpful and not ranting off-topic

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

hey OP.
Yup that was me that asked that. And there was a reason why I asked it and didn't say anything else and thats this - it seems to me like on some level you are angry, you are just not letting yourself feel it. To be honest I see this alot in posts like yours and I think that people block their anger for two reasons a) they don't want to be mad at someone they love so they bend over backwards to understand the other person's reasoning and b) the anger is sometimes too strong to express for fear of losing control. Blocking the anger is a coping mechanism. But it doesn't always serve I feel because that anger doesn't go anywhere and at some point becomes something held on to that makes the whole trauma harder to get over. the other thing is - eventually it comes out some way or another - either on other people or your next partner or whatever.

Thing is its normal to feel angry. Its part of the mourning process. Its a natural emotional reaction to rejection. Understanding etc is well and good but its very intellectual. But the anger can be a healthy thing (hmmm as long as it doens't take over and get out of hand). It can give us that little bit extra..... power I guess to pick ourselves up and move on. I mean you opened yourself up and were prepared to give everything. What was angst ridden time for you, you say was relief to him. I think you are angry (I would be). You said you feel numb - I think part of that is you blocking out the anger (amongst other things) as a form of protecting yourself.

Hmm you might find it informative to look up Kubler-Ross stages of bereavement (meant to describe the states people go through after a death of a loved one but I tihnk can be applied more widely than that)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model


So if you think I'm way off the mark then disregard what I'm saying. But if you think I'm on to something maybe try to find a (healthy) way to express the anger. Maybe beat up a dustbin, smash some cheap plates or perhaps more usefully, get a pen and paper, some tissues and sit down and take some time to write out how he has made you feel in a letter to him that you will never send.

Anyhow hope I'm being helpful and not ranting off-topic

Thanks Opinion guy. Nope - youre not ranting and its not off topic. I'm pretty good and getting angry when and if I need to.

I was angry when we were on a break and when we met up I realised that he didnt really care about things working out, and just didnt say it.
I was angry when I realised he would have left this 'break' drag on and on and not really give a damn either way. He was happy to meet up for a chat because he missed the company, not the relationship.

Strangely enough - I did exactly what you suggested (well, not quite a letter, but an email I didnt send) at that time! It did help for me to see the woods for the trees and realise how one-sided things had become and how hopeless it was to just continue thinking it would work out.

That was then..
Its just that right now, I don't feel it anymore. I might be a little numb still and I am definitely quite sad. And maybe its because I am not at that stage yet, or maybe its that getting angry because someone doesnt feel the same as I do anymore wont actually move me on any quicker from where I am now.
Or maybe I've just done the anger thing to death already :-)

NightOwl91

Your strong and you deserve credit first off.
two weeks is great progress...
Now, the hardest part:
I was with a guy just like that..And he let me walk away 4months ago.
Theres a hole in my chest and it wont heal for sometime....
But..
He didnt love me. If he did, he would of done everything in his power to stop me...
And I am happy I saw this..better I know now than later..
He hasnt rang me. Texted me or msned me...
He cut all contact. Blocked me on every site and msn
Acting as if he was the victim..and he was the one who hurt me over and over..
But thats irrelevent to u.
It is going to be very hard...it will feel mentally and physically horrible...But you will be so happy when you get to the 2month mark.
And you will find yourself..the person you are without him and you can build on it.
DO NOT CALL HIM. Its seems desperate and besides, you made the descision to walk away and if you go back he'll play on your weakness ...hes the guy..if he wants you..he'll DO EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO WIN YOU BACK

You should stay away. I know its hard. But you gotta do this for YOURSELF
If he didnt stop you...hes not right for u and you did the right thing
good for you . Stay strong. And 2bh, if he let you walk away etc you can do better, espiecally when you choose to walk. You knew all along stay strong chick.

LegacyUser

NightOwl91 wrote: »

Your strong and you deserve credit first off.
two weeks is great progress...
Now, the hardest part:
I was with a guy just like that..And he let me walk away 4months ago.
Theres a hole in my chest and it wont heal for sometime....
But..
He didnt love me. If he did, he would of done everything in his power to stop me...
And I am happy I saw this..better I know now than later..
He hasnt rang me. Texted me or msned me...
He cut all contact. Blocked me on every site and msn
Acting as if he was the victim..and he was the one who hurt me over and over..
But thats irrelevent to u.
It is going to be very hard...it will feel mentally and physically horrible...But you will be so happy when you get to the 2month mark.
And you will find yourself..the person you are without him and you can build on it.
DO NOT CALL HIM. Its seems desperate and besides, you made the descision to walk away and if you go back he'll play on your weakness ...hes the guy..if he wants you..he'll DO EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO WIN YOU BACK

You should stay away. I know its hard. But you gotta do this for YOURSELF
If he didnt stop you...hes not right for u and you did the right thing
good for you . Stay strong. And 2bh, if he let you walk away etc you can do better, espiecally when you choose to walk. You knew all along stay strong chick.

Thanks NightOwl91. Everything you say makes sense. Fair play for making it to the 4 month mark. Youre right - by the 2 month mark it should and will be easier.